Welcome back to Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s new weekly Monday feature, Doris Day(s)! Though I have to say…I notice there aren’t quite as many of you here as there were last week. (I also have to say I’m not too terribly surprised by that.)
In culling some information from the always reliable IMDb,
he said sarcastically, I came across something of interest. The cumulative rating for The
Doris Day Show—the average of all the IMDb users who take copious
amounts of time out of their day to tell complete strangers how much they like
a certain movie or TV show—is 7.0.
Here’s the thing: Mayberry, R.F.D. is 5.8. Now…seriously, IMDb people; you cannot
convince me that The Doris Day Show is a better TV program than Mayberry
R.F.D. That’s just crazy talk; I
watched some episodes from the third season last night and ended up curled in a
fetus position, because I’m dreading having to watch them again for the later
write-ups. So I’m thinking: maybe R.F.D.’s
cumulative rating is so low because people got a large taste of it here on the
blog. (Hopefully I can do the same for
Dodo.)
This week’s episode starts with The Widow Martin and faithful housekeeper Aggie Thompson (Fran Ryan) making the beds in the boys’ room. I don’t completely understand why
AGGIE: Yeah…well…they better pick him…that’s all I have to
say…
AGGIE: “If he’s good enough”—what
do you mean, “If he’s good
enough?” Do you know anybody his age
who’s better? If he doesn’t get it, by golly…
AGGIE: Ah, well…
He made the team! (Crowd goes wild) Yes, Billy is the pitcher and he’s being congratulated by his grandfather, Buck Webb (Denver Pyle), and the Webb Farm ranch hand, Leroy B.
Remind me to have a talk with Buck later on after the blog.
BILLY: I’m the pitcher!
LEROY: You ought to see him throw
that fast ball… (Makes throwing sound) Strike!
There is one member of Doris ’ family
who could give a rat’s ass that Billy is on the ball club…and that is Doris ’
youngest son, Toby (Tod Starke). Younger
children often suffer when attention is diverted to the eldest in the family,
even though they themselves enjoy a favored child status because of their youth. Toby
should be glad that he doesn’t have a younger
brother; otherwise he’d always feel
persecuted as the middle child…if what my sister Kat has been pissing and
moaning about for over forty years has any merit.
Awww…poor little guy. While the rest of the family enthusiastically runs outside to see Billy do his pitching thing, Toby holds his mother back and she instinctively knows that something is wrong. “Hey,” she tells him, “why don’t you and I make some lemonade for everybody—would you like that?”
As he follows his mother into the kitchen, two things are
weighing on Toby’s mind: first, how much weed killer could he slip into his
brother’s lemonade in order to make certain the deed was done yet allow him to
escape detection…and the other involves dazzling Doris with his own school
accomplishments in order to make her forget about Billy.
TOBY: I’m gettin’ an ‘A’ in
spelling…
TOBY (as they go into the kitchen):
Mom?
TOBY: I’m gettin’ another gold star
for attendance…
You might have to skip to the main event, Tobe…eat a bug in
front of her.
TOBY: Mom?
TOBY: I’m gettin’ a uniform, too!
TOBY: I’m going to be in the school
choir…
TOBY: Of course…it’s not going to
be a real uniform like Billy’s…
Well, no…it’s more like a dress, when you get right down to
it. But I think Doris
has steeled herself for that eventuality.
The scene then shifts to the institution of higher learning attended by young Master Tobias. I skipped ahead a little to this screen cap because I wanted to compare and contrast the size of Toby with the other children in his class. We can surmise that because of Toby’s small stature he will need to get used to seeing his undergarments swaying in the breeze from the school flagpole on a regular basis—it’s as if he’s in the wrong class. Though you could argue that he’s in the right class and the explanation for the other kids being bigger is that they’ve been held back. (Either way, his undies are going to be up that flagpole daily.)
Toby’s teacher is played by one of the true movie and TV character greats, the soft-spoken Woodrow Parfrey—which, as I mentioned in the introductory post on The Doris Day Show, is the closest we’ll come to a Howard Sprague character in the early years of this sitcom. (You’ll remember that Parfrey was in two R.F.D. episodes: “An Efficient Gas Station” and “Goober’s Brother”…in which he played the titular role.) Here he plays Maxwell Digby; he’ll reprise that role twice more on the Day show and then play a completely different character in Season 2. Parfrey’s film credits include Planet of the Apes, Madigan, Dirty Harry, Charley Varrick, Papillon and The Outlaw Josey Wales. (Here at Rancho Yesteryear we remember him best for two roles: as one of the irritated tobacco company executives in Cold Turkey, and as the harried student driving instructor in Used Cars.)
DIGBY: Now…straighten up in your
chairs…and everyone give me your attention…
Parfrey pronounces this last word as “atten-SHUN!” That made me smile.
DIGBY: Yes…now…before we start…I
want all of you to know something…we have only twelve places open for singers…twelve…now…I don’t want any of you who
doesn’t make the choir to be disappointed…because…after all…we need an audience just as much as we need performers… (He smiles)
Digby calls the first child up, who answers to “
It’s now Toby’s turn. His rendition of the same song makes Ben sound like Sinatra, particularly since Toby (as my music teacher once memorably remarked to me) has a tenor voice: he sings ten or twelve notes off-key. Mr. Digby has the unenviable responsibility of telling this kid he stinks to high heaven.
DIGBY: Toby…I’d like to talk to
you…
TOBY: Don’t you want me to get my uniform first?
DIGBY (after a pause): Uh…come over
here a minute, will you? (Toby goes over
to his desk) It’s a fact…uh…that nobody
can be the best in everything…you know that, don’t you?
TOBY: Uh-huh…
DIGBY: Uh-huh…and…uh…in this case…
“You’re not the best…at
anything…”
TOBY: Oh, that’s all right…I won’t
sing very loud…
DIGBY: I’m afraid that won’t do,
Toby…you see…there are only twelve
places…and it wouldn’t be fair to the other children if we didn’t pick the best…
TOBY: You mean…I can’t belong to
the choir?
DIGBY: I’m sorry…
Poor, dejected Toby slowly walks out of the classroom as the
next contestant auditioning for Cotina Idol is called. A scene shift then finds Grandpa Buck in the
kitchen, scarfing down some chocolate chip cookies with a milk chaser…and one thing
I’ve noticed throughout this series is that Doris and whoever happens to be
working for her (be it Aggie or Juanita) bake cookies, cakes, pies and donuts
to the point where you’d think they were the number one supplier for
Boysinger’s Bakery. (No wonder those
damn kids are so hyperactive—they’re on a permanent sugar high.)
Aggie comes in through the back door and gives Buck a disapproving throat clearing, and he explains that he was just getting Toby some cookies.
TOBY: I gotta talk to Mom…
TOBY: Uh-huh…
AGGIE (walking over): They didn’t
have boy sopranos back in those days…
AGGIE: Well, that I believe…
Buck, whose nickname for his grandson (“Scutter”) will
gradually fall by the wayside with each season, tells Toby he’s proud of him
and that he feels good to have someone following in his footsteps. Toby, who’s a fundamentally decent kid
despite being painfully slow, is about to tell his grandfather he can’t carry a
tune in a bucket when his gold record-selling mother comes into the kitchen.
I didn’t know Allan Sherman was Doris ’
son…
AGGIE (sing-song): He’s got
something to tell you…
TOBY: I forgot…
“I like cheese!”
AGGIE: It’s about the choir!
TOBY: Oh…yeah…uh…they start
rehearsing tomorrow…
Toby hasn’t technically
lied to anybody here…but he hasn’t exactly said “I was rejected from that
musical aggregation because I have a voice that sounds like cockroaches
rustling around in garbage cans at dawn.”
There is then a dissolve, and we find the Brothers Martin preparing for
bed. Toby decides to bare his soul:
TOBY: Billy?
BILLY: Yeah…?
TOBY: If I tell you something…you promise not to tell anybody else?
BILLY: Maybe…
TOBY: I can’t tell you unless you swear...
BILLY: All right…I swear…what’s the
big secret?
TOBY: I’m not in the choir…
And if Billy would have simply got up and went into the next
room, ratting out his brother along the way, we’d be done for this week. As always…we’re simply not that lucky.
TOBY: I thought I was going to be in it…
BILLY: What a dope…
TOBY: You swore you wouldn’t tell…
BILLY: I’m no squealer…but you
better tell Mom before you get into real trouble…
TOBY: Do you think she’ll be mad?
BILLY: How should I know?
TOBY: Okay…I’ll tell her now…
But before Toby has a chance to come clean, he and brother
William are summoned downstairs by the voice of their grandfather. “Do you think he found out?” Toby asks his
wiser, older brother.
He has not. The kids are presented with fabulous prizes—namely, a new bike for each of them. Toby has now learned one of life’s important lessons: padding one’s resume reaps generous rewards.
TOBY: Are they really for us?
Cue the sad trombone!
Billy dismounts from his bike walks sadly over to his mother.
TOBY: Uh-huh…
TOBY: Well…what if I don’t stay in the choir?
TOBY: Little kids ought to be out
in the fresh air…
That is not going to work, Toby. Trust me on this one.
TOBY: …not cooped up in an old
school practicing…
TOBY: Yeah—but he’s out in the
fresh air!
His grandfather imparts upon him that “we got to stick with
things once we begin”—which you would think would provide Toby with an opening
(“Suppose I haven’t begun?”). Doris
reiterates: her boy is not a quitter; and so the boys are sent upstairs after
giving Gramps a hug and a kiss.
BILLY: Groovy, Mom!
Far out. Doris
knows that something is troubling Toby (just not that he’s racked with guilt
after telling a big stinky fib), but leave it to Dobbs, er, Leroy to dope out a
solution to the problem (yes, I used “dope” for a reason).
LEROY: Sometimes they call it stage
fright…
AGGIE: Did you read that in one of
your movie magazines?
LEROY: Happens to all the big stars
just before they perform…
AGGIE: Well, Mr. Ziegfeld…supposing
we step out into the kitchen and I’ll fix a pot of hot chocolate and you tell
me just exactly how it is in tinsel town, okay?
“And then later we’ll bounce off the walls with some pure
cane sugar…”
In the bedroom:
BILLY: Boy, you fixed things real good…
TOBY: What am I gonna do?
BILLY: You better get in that
choir…if they take my bike away because of you, you’re really going to get in
trouble…
“You had best sleep with one eye open, my brother…for you
are entering a world of pain…”
Back from the Ralston-Purina break, Buck and Leroy are helping the boys with their bikes before they pedal off to school.
TOBY: You don’t have to do that, Mom…they’re
fixing it at school…
The boys head off for school on their bikes, and in a scene
dissolve, we find the children who were talented enough to get into the choir
legitimately without lying to their parents rehearsing in the classroom,
accompanied by Mr. Digby on the piannah.
Toby’s child brain has come up with a scheme to obtain a choir robe, but
he has failed to reckon with the fact that while Digby might have been born at night,
it wasn’t last night.
DIGBY: Hey, I saw you riding that
new bike…it’s real sharp!
“What kind of lie did you tell your Mom to score that sweet
ride?”
TOBY: They’re okay, I guess…
DIGBY: Want to see me about something?
TOBY: I was just wondering if any
of the kids might be sick or anything…
DIGBY: No…no…everybody’s fine…but I
promise you—if there’s any emergency, I’ll call you…
TOBY: Okay…
DIGBY: Okay… (He sits back down at
the piano, but Toby is still standing there) Something else?
TOBY: Don’t you think it might be a
good idea …if I had a uniform so I can be ready in case anything happens?
DIGBY: I’m sorry…we only have
enough uniforms to go around…not a single extra…
Oh, Toby! Tell
me…what’s it like to pilot your own vessel on The Great Lake of Fail? Nevertheless, Toby did not get to where he is
today (snicker) by being easily discouraged, and plans to acquire the precious
choir robe continued unabated. He waits
for choir practice to let out, and then calls out to songbird Ben
Spring .
TOBY: Wanna ride?
TOBY: I changed my mind…go
ahead…I’ll hold your uniform… (He tries to grab the robe)
TOBY: Listen, Ben…my mother never
saw one of these…let me take it home and show her, huh?
Toby…George “Kingfish” Stevens you ain’t.
TOBY: If I tell you something…you
promise not to tell anyone else?
TOBY: I’m in a lot of trouble…my Mom and Grandpa think I’m in
the choir…
TOBY: I tried to…but they won’t
listen…
Oh…you big fibber…
TOBY: Anyhow…if I could just show
my mother the uniform…everything would be okay… (Ben shakes his head) If you
lend me the uniform, I’ll give you something…
TOBY (reaching into his pocket): I
got six cents…
“Ohhhh…you were so close, Toby! I could have rented it to you for seven…”
Ben shakes his head again in the negative…and then walks over to check
out The Tobester’s wheels.
TOBY: I’m not letting you have that!
TOBY: But it’s brand new!
TOBY: Wait a minute…till
tomorrow…then I get it back… (He takes his books off the handlebars) Meet me at
the bus stop…
Sheah…right…Ben will have that damn bike in a San Francisco chop shop by nightfall. But Toby has acquired what he set his sights on—the precious choir robe. Unfortunately, the “uniform” is a little big on him, and
TOBY: Oh, I don’t think mothers and
grandfathers are allowed…
Toby…you really suck at this, you know?
“Did I forget to mention we’re performing at Folsom?”
TOBY: You don’t have to if you
don’t want to…
“Hey, Toby…where is your family sitting?” “They’re over there…the ones wearing the
bells…” Toby’s constant deceptions have
not only set him on a road to perdition, but they result in this pathetic
screen cap with the dog that Doris pilfered from Please
Don’t Eat the Daisies:
There is a dissolve, and we find
TOBY: I think I got a fever…
“Could be dengue fever…I hear it’s going around at school…”
TOBY: I’ll bet I got 110°…
TOBY: My stomach hurts, too…
“Get out of bed, you little goldbrick…”
TOBY: You want me to go to school
when I’m sick?
“Gosh, Mother…that thought never even crossed my mind!” Doris tells Toby that
she’s going downstairs to fix him a nice big glass of fresh orange juice
(“Grande,” as Peter Falk describes it in one of my favorite movies, The In-Laws) and “you just think about
it for a while.”
Downstairs in the kitchen, Ben has stopped by because Toby
never showed up at the bus stop as promised.
Nice going, Benjamin!
Way to let the feline out of the burlap!
Doris suggests the two of them have a little
talk, and in the scene that follows Buck and Doris also have a
heart-to-heart. Doris
explains that because both of them told Billy and Toby how proud they were of
their respective accomplishments, “we were putting him in competition with his
own brother.” (Sibling rivalry? Oh, Doris…you and your hare-brained parenting
ideas.) “We didn’t give him any room to
fail, Dad…so he had to lie to us.” (If
you say so, Dor.)
Well…the jury’s still out on that one.
Ooooh, snap! Doris
returns to her son’s bedroom, and informs him that he doesn’t have to go to
school if he really doesn’t feel well.
Toby starts to show signs of guilt by arguing that he’ll miss performing
in the choir, but his mom waves it off as not being important.
You are definitely understating this, Dor.
Down, girl…
TOBY: He was?
Wow. That’s positively
Zen, Dodo. She goes back downstairs,
where Buck is sitting at the kitchen table…get a load of the size coffee mug
he’s drinking out of…
Pots of hot chocolate…a mug full of coffee as big as my head…sugar out the wazoo…I don’t know if this family ever sleeps. Anyway, the two of them discuss Toby further, and Buck asks
Toby does not disappoint…he comes downstairs and tells his
grandfather he should take the bicycle back.
TOBY: You’re not going to like me
anymore when you find out…
“What makes you think I like you now, boy?”
TOBY: You were so proud of Billy
when he made the Little League…and I wanted you to be proud of me, too…and I
really tried…but I can’t sing so good…
“Grandpa…who’s ‘Mrs. Miller?’” So Buck offers up some platitudes about how
all a person can ever do is try, and “it took a man to walk down those stairs to
tell your mom and me the truth.”
(Omitting the fact that it took some big brass ones to tell the kind of whoppers
he was spouting off in the first place.)
Both Doris and Buck reiterate that they’ll always be proud of the little
loser…and hey—he got out of going to school, so…
Coda time!
I’m going to cut to the quick with this scene, because in watching it, it made me quite nostalgic for the days of R.F.D. when Sam Jones would strum his guitar on the Jones Farm porch and croon Carolina Moon. This time it’s Buck with his six-string, as he tries to help Toby become a better singer and fails miserably in the process. He, Doris and the boys sing Ke-Mo Ki-Mo (The Magic Song), and at one point even
Next week on Doris Day(s): Doris and her family examine the hard-hitting topic of racial prejudice in an installment that brings back Woodrow Parfrey as well as special guest R.G. Armstrong and semi-regulars Peggy Rea and Lisa Gerritsen. (I’m only slightly exaggerating about this, by the way.)
4 comments:
I'm still waiting to get my robe....
I'm still waiting to get my robe....
Check the top of the flagpole! Rah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
Yay Woodrow!
WHAT in the heck is up with those kids all being 3-5 years older than Toby? Surely a grade school choir would have more than one tiny kid auditioning. Glad to see the cheese-loving standard still applies to rotten kid actors, though.
Man I want some cookies.
I know the relatives (distant cousin) of Woodrow Parfrey, they are living in Moffat County. They are the direct descendants of William Youngs Parfrey, II.
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