Mayberry Mondays #36: “Palm Springs, Here We Come” (11/24/69, prod. no. 0212)

Obviously I can’t take credit for the fact that Mayberry’s R.F.D. celebrated “Palm Springs vacation” story arc is falling right into your laps during “Spring Break”…however, if you’re grateful enough to send in small cash denominational donations, I certainly won’t attempt to dissuade you.  We’re indeed fortunate that the first episode, in what is a wacky attempt to get the principals of the series out of that sleepy little North Carolina burg, indeed features all of the cast members…no one is ducking out on this one, me hearties.

But as a change of pace, instead of Mayberry’s “city fathers” spending incalculable hours hanging around the dusty shop of fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman), they have relocated to a brand-new venue: the dusty gas station of pump jockey/village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey).  Joining Emmett and the Goob are pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson), who all lazily watch poor-but-honest dirt farmer (and city council head) Sam Jones (Ken Berry) pull up in his pickup.  He even receives a Cheers-like “Sam!” as a greeting.

HOWARD: How’s it going?

SAM: Oh, pretty good…I’m just in town doing some marketing for Aunt Bee…

HOWARD: Ah…

SAM: Gee, she got a nice surprise—you know, her friend Selma Plunkett is coming to town to visit her for a day or so…

HOWARD: Selma Plunkett?  No kiddin’!  Huh…

We’ll meet Selma here in a few, but I just wanted to break in to remind you that Selma’s one of these pals of Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor’s (Frances Bavier) we’ve not heard one thing about ever until now.  (Another one of those women Aunt Bee knows from “in stir,” I’m guessing.)

GOOBER: I ain’t seen Selma since the weddin’…

EMMETT: You know, of all the people from Mayberry who got married—Selma really hit the jackpot…

GOOBER: Yeah, that guy was worth millions…

SAM: Oh, he still is…

HOWARD: Hmm…made his money in ball bearings, didn’t he?

SAM: Mm-hmm…

That would be the famous Bert “Ballsy” Plunkett—you remember the slogan: “On your next trip or junket…get your bearings with Plunkett.”  (Okay, wisenheimers—you find something that rhymes with “Plunkett.”)

SAM: They got homes all over the world…I think they spend most of their time in Chicago, but they’ve got places on the French Riviera…Palm Springs…I don’t know where else…

EMMETT: Just shows you what can happen to a person…she met that fellow on a cruise she took to the Orient, didn’t she?

SAM: Yep…

HOWARD (chuckling): I remember that story…

Please somebody stop him before he tells the long version…

HOWARD: They were both on the deck getting some fresh air and the ship rolled suddenly and they fell into each other’s arms…that’s how they met… (Laughing)

GOOBER: Boy, that’s romantic…just think…if it hadn’t been for that roll, she’d be back workin’ at the gas company…

Poor Aunt Bee.  You may recall that the time she took a trip on the seven seas in “Aunt Bee’s Cruise” all she ended up with was a captain who wouldn’t leave his girlfriend (aka the seven seas).  So Sam—because he simply doesn’t know any better—invites the Unholy Trio to stop by the house when Selma is visiting: “I know Selma’d be glad to see all of you,” he burbles, when the last thing most people who manage to escape Mayberry want is to cross paths with those turds-for-brains again.  Sam also asks his friends to bring his main squeeze, exquisite bakery counter girl Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka) with them (she was sorely missed last week).

Aunt Bee plays gracious hostess to her pal “Sel” at Casa del Jones, eliciting the help of Sam’s only son, idiot boy Mike (Buddy Foster), to help her with the entertaining.  He proffers Selma a tray of cookies…only because he was too tall to be an end table.

MIKE: You wanna cookie?

SELMA: Oh!  Well, thank you, Mike!  (She takes a cookie and a napkin, then laughs) What a lovely tray!

AUNT BEE: Oh!  Thank you!

MIKE: We borrowed it when we heard you were coming!

Don’t look at me.  I voted for Team End Table.

SAM (setting down a tray with a pitcher of lemonade and glasses): Mike, you can put it down now…

MIKE (to Selma): Is it true you have houses all over the world?

SELMA: Well…not all over, Mike, but…we do have several places…as a matter of fact; I just came from our home in Palm Springs…

Ah, the one-percent…they’re really just plain folks like us.

AUNT BEE: Oh, really?  Oh, what’s Palm Springs like?

SELMA: Beautiful, Bee…absolutely beautiful…

SAM: It’s supposed to be one of the great resort areas in the world, isn’t it?

And the one-time mayor of Palm Springs was actor Charlie Farrell, star of Seventh Heaven.  (Little Jack Benny Show reference out there for the fans in the blogosphere.)

SELMA: Yes!  You’ve never been out west, have you, Bee?

AUNT BEE: Oh, yes!  Andy, Opie and I went to Hollywood!

For those of you who’d like to earn some extra credit, I refer you to he sixth season TAGS episodes “Off to Hollywood” (10/25/65), “Taylors in Hollywood” (11/01/65) and “The Hollywood Party” (11/08/65)”  (A fourth episode, “Aunt Bee on TV,” references the trip but takes place in Mayberry…I include it only to imitate the four-story Palm Springs R.F.D. arc, which I think probably got its inspiration from the TAGS original.)  You know, if Selma really were Aunt Bee’s lifelong bosom chum she’d know all this already.

I guess now is as good a time as any to introduce the actress playing Selma—though TV and movie fans will certainly recognize the sweet countenance of character great Ruth McDevitt.  Strangely enough, McDevitt actually did two episodes of TAGS (“Helen’s Past” and “Emmett’s Anniversary”), playing a character named Mrs. Pendleton…so if there is anything to this Toobworld thing, Selma’s going to get a hell of a shock if she runs into her doppelganger.  McDevitt made the rounds on a multiple number of TV shows and in movies (The Parent Trap, The Birds) but here at Rancho Yesteryear she’s fondly remembered as advice columnist “Miss” Emily Cowles on Kolchak: The Night Stalker.

AUNT BEE: But we didn’t make Palm Springs… (Laughs)

SAM: Well, we’ll get out there one of these days…

MIKE: When, Pa?

SAM: I don’t know for sure, Mike…but I’ll give you plenty of notice…

All I can say to this, Sam, is…you’re doing it wrong.

SELMA: Bee…I just had a thought…Bert and I are going to be in Europe for at least two months…the Palm Springs house is just going to be sitting there…why don’t you three take a trip?  The house is yours!

AUNT BEE (flustered): Oh…oh…Selma, no…that wouldn’t be possible… (Sudden realization) Oh, I hope you don’t think I was hinting…

SELMA: Well, of course I don’t…

“If you were hinting, you’d say something like ‘Gee, Sel…those diamonds make you look fat!’”

SELMA: Well, it’s something I think you should consider…

AUNT BEE: Well…you know…just shutting up this house…

SAM: Yeah…and I’ve got the farm here…

Funniest.  Line.  Ever.

MIKE: Pa, you said things were going to be slow here for the next month…you said that yesterday!

SAM: Yeah, yeah…I know that, Mike…but…

AUNT BEE: And there’s Mike’s schooling…

MIKE: Oh, I can get out of school, Aunt Bee…a lot of kids do it when their folks take them away…

Ooh, I wish someone would take you away, you little (expletive deleted).  Selma continues to cajole, Aunt Bee and Sam waffle…and then Selma puts her foot down—the three of them are going to Palm Springs.  “Maybe it’s time we did something crazy once in our lives, huh?” asks Sam, forgetting about that unpleasant incident last year at the high school pancake breakfast.  So the Jones (and Aunt Bee) will soon be winging their way to fun in the sun…oh, half a tic—Sam has to answer the door…

…and the rest of our cast comes strolling in, all smiles and anxious to meet the rich old lady who’s slumming in Mayberry.

GOOBER (to Selma): You look like a million dollars… (Selma laughs)

HOWARD (punching Goober in the shoulder): I told you not to say that!

GOOBER (to Millie): I made that up on the way over here…

There’s such a fine line between clever and stupid.  Sam introduces Millie to Selma (check out Millie’s white gloves), who’s ecstatic to see Howard (told how good he looks, he brags “I jog to work every morning!”) and asks Emmett about Martha (Mary Lansing), who, he explains, is visiting her sister.  (Quel convenience!)

SELMA: How’s the fix-it shop?

EMMETT: Oh, it’s still there… (Laughs) I guess it looks kinda small to you, after seein’ all them big fix-it shops all around the world!

GOOBER: Hey, uh…Selma?

SELMA: Yes, Goober?

GOOBER: Is them real diamonds you’re wearin’?

SELMA (taken aback): Well… (Laughing) they’re supposed to be!

HOWARD (rolling his eyes): What a question…

GOOBER: Look…it just so happens, Howard Sprague, that rich people are always afraid of bein’ robbed so they only wear their real jewelry to…coronations and stuff like that! (To Selma) Ain’t that right, Selma?

SELMA (diplomatically): Uh…yes! I’ve heard that…

GOOBER (speaking deliberately): There are some things that you don’t know, Howard…

Fine…here’s your flower, Algernon.  Mike is figuring to burst with the news of their trip, which—to borrow a phrase Howard once used in “The Panel Show”—absolutely knocks the others off their pins.  The reaction from their fellow Mayberrians is one of envious delight, and then Selma comes through with a counteroffer:

SELMA: Look, everybody…it’s a five-bedroom house—you can all go if you want to!

HOWARD: Aw gee, Sel…

SELMA: I really mean it!  There’s plenty of room!

HOWARD: Wow—it sure is nice of you to offer!

GOOBER: Yeah!

SAM: Well, whaddya say, everybody?  That’s just about the best offer you’re ever going to get!

EMMETT: It sure is!

AUNT BEE: Well, why not?  The more the merrier!

EMMETT: Well…with Martha away, it’d be a perfect time for me!

Emmett!  You hound!  When the cat’s away, eh?

SAM: Great!  How ‘bout you, Mill?

MILLIE (barely containing her excitement): Oh!  Well…this is so sudden!  Oh…but I do have a two-week vacation coming! (She giggles)

SAM: Well…look, everybody…why don’t we see if we can arrange our affairs and then we’ll check tomorrow, huh?

EMMETT: Yeah!  I can close the shop…

HOWARD: Okay!  Okay!

GOOBER (half-muttering) Maybe I can get someone to take the… (Brightening) Hey!  If I get to go, I’m gonna take my golf club!

HOWARD: One golf club?

GOOBER: Look, Howard—I’m not a pro, you know…

There is then a dissolve to the council office, and there’s good news all around.  Howard has checked with the county, and they’re perfectly okay with him taking the time off (he probably falls under the category of “nonessential employee”)…and with Martha opportunely out of town, Emmett can close up the fix-it shop and make the jaunt as well.  Sam will neglect his farm for the two weeks (like he hasn’t been doing that since this darn show premiered in the fall of ’68), though he has convinced token black resident Ralph Barton (Charles Lampkin) to keep an eye on the place and do the necessary irrigation.  (I can just picture Ralph’s reaction: “There is nothing growing on this [additional expletive deleted] land…”)

Millie will take her two-week vacation early (instead of the summer), and Goober bursts in to inform everyone that he’s found some kid to pump gas while he takes time off as well.  So that means that Sam will only have to mosey over to the school and let them know they won’t have to deal with his idiot son for a fortnight; Sam is not worried because “his grades are fine.”  “Palm Springs, here we come!” shouts a jubilant Emmett, raising a Styrofoam cup of coffee in a toast.  And…enter Mike the Idiot Boy.

MIKE: Pa?

SAM: Hmm?  Oh…hi, Mike!

MIKE: Can I talk to you outside for a minute?

SAM: Well, sure…sure!

Outside on Emmett’s trusty panhandling bench, Mike hands his dad a paper.

MIKE: The teacher said I was supposed to show you this…

SAM: Oh! (He unfolds the paper) All right…let’s see here… (Sad music appears on the soundtrack) You’re flunking arithmetic?!!

MIKE: Yes, Pa…

SAM: What…I thought you were doing great, Mike…

MIKE: Well, that’s before we got fractions…we had a test last week…

SAM: What was your mark?

MIKE: I got five right…

SAM: Out of how many?

MIKE (quietly): Fifty…

SAM: I see…

MIKE: Dumb fractions…

Riiight…it’s the fractions that are dumb.  (By the way—that means he only got one-tenth of the questions right.)  You’ve got a serious problem there, Sammy.  There are vegetables smarter than that kid.  Sam goes to have a talk with Mike’s teacher, who’s played here by Jessica Myerson.  Myerson was at one time a member of the San Francisco improv group The Committee, which featured many veterans from Chicago’s Second City and whose famous alumni include Peter Bonerz, Barbara Bosson, Del Close, Hamilton Camp, Howard Hesseman, Mel Stewart and David Ogden Stiers.  She also made the rounds in terms of TV guest roles, with a brief semi-regular gig on the 1973 sitcom Thicker Than Water, the U.S. version of the classic Britcom Nearest and Dearest.  Her film appearances include Get to Know Your Rabbit and Steelyard Blues, but she might be better known as Sally Field’s character’s ma in Mrs. Doubtfire.  Her character here in the R.F.D. episode doesn’t get any other identification as “Teacher” so I’ve decided to call her “Miss Myerson” because it’s my blog.

MISS MYERSON: The problem is, Mr. Jones…is that so much higher mathematics depends on a knowledge of fractions…and if the child doesn’t get it in the first place, well, then he’ll very likely have trouble from then on…

SAM: Yeah…now…don’t misunderstand me…I’m not disagreeing with you or anything…it’s just that…we had this…wonderful opportunity to go to Palm Springs…and I was planning on taking Mike out of school…

MISS MYERSON: Well…of course, that’s your privilege…

SAM: But you wouldn’t recommend it right now, huh…

MISS MYERSON: Well, it’s just…it’s a difficult question to answer, Mr. Jones…it is an inopportune time…I suppose Mike told you what he got on the test…

SAM: Yeah…five out of fifty…

“And he had to copy off the rutabaga sitting in front of him to get that, so…”

MISS MYERSON: Yes…he just doesn’t understand the work…

“Also…I don’t know if you know this…but he did very poorly on the school’s standardized aptitude test.  About the best you could hope for him is a future job in the car wash industry.  Though I have heard of a special academy in Mt. Airy for the not-too-terribly-bright…”

SAM (with a sigh): Well…I guess that takes care of Palm Springs…

MISS MYERSON: There is one possibility, however…we’re going to have another test next week…now, if between now and then Mike can suddenly grasp fractions…well, then that would make a difference…

Oh, Jessie…you’d be better off asking that kid to split the atom.

SAM: Huh…one week… (She nods) That’s not too much time, is it?

MISS MYERSON: No…it really isn’t…

“And as we’ve been discussing…the kid’s just plain stupid.”  If this were a film from the eighties, we’d then have a montage of Mike power cramming for the test, with madcap sequences of him falling asleep at his books as Howard drones on and on, his dad attempting to keep him awake as he studies (stage this in the shower and it’s high hilarity for all), etc.  But this is Mayberry R.F.D., and so we’re going to let Sam open up a nice bottle of whine.

SAM (to Aunt Bee as they both enter the living room): All of a sudden fractions have to come into my life…

AUNT BEE: Well, it’s obvious he just doesn’t understand them, Sam…

SAM: Well, arithmetic was always my best subject—you’d think a thing like that would be inherited!

I don’t know too much about the late Mrs., Jones…but I can’t seem to wipe away a scenario of her and Goober behind the bleachers getting to know one another in the biblical sense, if you know what I mean…and I think you do.

SAM: I never got any less than a B, you know!

AUNT BEE: Well, maybe you had an easier teacher…

SAM: Who, Mrs. Griggs?  Ho ho…toughest teacher in the whole school…

“She once shot a student just for snoring too loud!”

Sam’s confidence in his idiot son is so wanting he tells Aunt Bee to go ahead to Palm Springs with the others because “how much can he learn in four or five days?”  “And leave you here alone with Mike?  Why, I wouldn’t even think of it!” is her unintentionally hilarious reply.  The die has thus been cast—if Mike fails to do well on next week’s test, anyone expecting to go on that Palm Springs sojourn is seriously boned.  The scene shifts to Emmett’s fix-it shop.

MILLIE: …well, if they don’t go we can’t go either…

HOWARD: ‘Course not…Selma’s really Aunt Bee’s friend…

MILLIE: Hmm…

GOOBER: Boy, I was really lookin’ forward to this thing…

EMMETT: Well…there’s still one ray of hope…

MILLIE: Mike’s test…

EMMETT: Yeah!  Sam says he’s gonna work on fractions with the kid…

Although it would have made the previous exchange funny as hell, the four of them are far too polite to burst out laughing.  So we dissolve to Mike’s bedroom, where patient Sam attempts to instruct his son on mathematical fractions…and if he can’t learn this stuff, he’s going to kill him.

SAM: Now…what is a fraction?

MIKE: You know, Pa…one-half, two-eighths…

SAM: No, no, no…no, Mike…those are fractions…see, I’m trying to get you to understand the basic idea here…for instance…a fraction…is always less than one—isn’t it?

MIKE: I guess so…

SAM: No…wh-wh-what I mean is, it’s part of the whole, right?  W-Well, it is, Mike, it is…now…now listen to me very carefully: a fraction is part of the whole…the whole…is something…that can be divided into fractions…which make up the whole…and…uh…vice versa, see…the…uh….the whole is composed of fractions…of maybe different kinds…which, when you put ‘em all together…they…uh…

"Durrrr..."

The look on the kid’s face says it all.  (Actually, I think I forgot what I know about fractions just after listening to Sam try to explain them.)

SAM: Write this down, now…uh…one-fourth…and three-eighths…yeah…good…we’re gonna add ‘em…now…what is the first thing you do?

MIKE: I knew…but I forget…

SAM: Well, the first thing you do is find the…what?

MIKE: The answer!

SAM: No, Mike…no…you find the common…?

“Common sense!  Common good!  Common clay!  Boston Common!”

SAM: Okay…now…if you’re going to add one-fourth and three-eighths…what is the common denominator?

MIKE: Well…um…

SAM: Well, is it the four or is it the eight?

MIKE: The four!

SAM: No…

MIKE: The eight?

We do have a week on this, don’t we?  (Hoo boy.)  Let’s see if Aunt Bee can shed a little light, shall we?

AUNT BEE: Now…if I’ve served one-third of the pie—how many thirds do I have left?  Hmm?

MIKE: Two-thirds!

AUNT BEE: Exactly!  Now…suppose we take the remaining two-thirds….and divide it into sixths…how many pieces do we have?  (Mike starts to write figures down on a piece of paper) Now…take your time…don’t rush…just concentrate…got the answer?

MIKE: A hundred and forty-two pieces!

"You will learn fractions...you must submit to my will!"

Cue the sad trombone!  Our little Mayberry family has even reached the point of total desperation by allowing this moron to tutor young Michael…

MIKE: You gonna be mad at me if I don’t pass the test?

GOOBER (laughing): Why…heck no, Mike—don’t make no difference to me…we can always go there some other time! 

MIKE: I guess so…

GOOBER: We can take back all that stuff we bought…don’t worry about it!

MIKE (sadly): I guess so…I’ll see ya, Goober…

Aw…bless his heart (buh-less his little heart!)…that little dimwit hasn’t a friend in the world.  Well, when we return from allowing Sanka and Jell-O pay the bills, it’s the big day.  Mike enters the kitchen, where Sam and Aunt Bee have been praying for an education miracle.

AUNT BEE: Now…what would our little man like for breakfast?  Come on—you can have anything you prefer…

If it were me…I’d want a 20-pound butt steak with some fried potatoes and hot buttered biscuits.  But then, I don’t have a test to take.

MIKE: Do I have to have breakfast this morning?

AUNT BEE: Oh, Mike…you can’t take a test on an empty stomach…

“Besides, what will you throw up when your efforts result in miserable failure?”

SAM: Aren’t you hungry?

MIKE: No, Pa…

AUNT BEE: Just a little glass of milk…hmm?

MIKE: Okay…

SAM: Yeah…now, look…Mike…just…just do your best…and that’s all you can do…

“Believe me.”  Sam optimistically thinks that Mike stands a good chance of passing the math test, the way he’s been improving…but cautions him: “And…um…if by some chance things don’t work out too well…don’t worry about it.  We can go to Palm Springs some other time.”  That time won’t include Aunt Bee or Emmett (both of whom will probably be dead by then)…and of course, Goober will have already been committed…but I’m sure the fifty-year-old Mike will have fun helping Millie push Sam around in his wheelchair.

Mike stoically goes off to meet his arithmetic fate as Aunt Bee hands him his lunchbox.  It’s a plain affair, but wouldn’t it have been funny if it had been this?

Cut to the hallowed halls of Mayberry Elementary.  Emmett and Howard anxiously wait on a bench in the hallway, but Goober (after drinking at the water fountain) paces nervously and keeps asking what time it is.

HOWARD: Come on, Goober, sit down…you’re making me nervous…

GOOBER: Sam should’ve fed him some fish…that’s brain food, you know…

EMMETT: Did Sam say whether the test was in the afternoon or the mornin’?

HOWARD: No, he didn’t say…he just said we’d know more about it when school let out…

GOOBER (sighing): Well, I don’t know what more could have been done…I taught him everything I know…

EMMETT: Now I’m really worried…

I think I laughed harder at this than that “Marriage killed it deader than a mackerel” line of his from last week’s episode. Goober takes offense, and Howard tries to play peacemaker in his usual “Gad, look at the size of my vocabulary” style by commenting: “There’s a mere slip of a lad in this building who’s been carrying a pretty big burden…let’s think of him for a change, instead of ourselves…”  (What a ponce.)

There is a brief cut to the clock in the city council office, and Sam—who could be out watering his sugar beets, or something—instead drums nervously on his desk.  He turns in the direction of the door when it opens, but it’s only Aunt Bee and Millie, who apparently just happened to be in the neighborhood.  Aunt Bee, as is her wont, looks sad and concerned.

AUNT BEE: Well, I have a feeling he’s doing just fine…

SAM: Well, sure…sure…

MILLIE: And…and if he doesn’t, we can always go to Palm Springs another time…

AUNT BEE: Of course…and if we have to go someplace, why…there are wonderful places right around Mayberry…

“The House of Mud…the Rusty Bike Pile…the Medical Waste Museum…” 

Sam agrees with Aunt Bee: “Why, sure…sure…as a matter of fact, it might even be silly to go clear across the country when we have so much right here.”  But then even he realizes that this is Palm Freaking Springs we’re talking about here, and he—along with Millie and Aunt Bee—is simply incapable of refraining from erupting in derisive laughter after that statement.

Back to the elementary school.  Before Goober can ask Emmett for the umpteenth time what time it is, the bell rings…

HOWARD: This is it…

EMMETT: We’ll soon know which way the wind’s blowin’…

GOOBER: Yeah…if he comes out with a smile on his face, it’s a good sign…here he comes… (Mike emerges from the classroom with many other kids and Goober mutters to Howard) He ain’t smilin’…

HOWARD (laughing) Hi there, Mike!

EMMETT: Mike…

HOWARD: We were just in the neighborhood, and we thought we’d drop in and see how things went…

GOOBER: Yeah…

Oh, who’s going to believe these three…come to think of it—it’s not that hard to believe these bozos could be at an elementary school…at least where Goober and Emmett are concerned.

MIKE: It was tough…

EMMETT (placing a hand on his shoulder): How tough, Mike?

MIKE: Gee, I don’t know…I know I got some right…but I don’t know how many…

EMMETT: Don’t worry about it!  Can’t win ‘em all…

HOWARD: Boy, you’d never believe how bad I was at arithmetic…

Please somebody stop him before he tells us…

HOWARD: Heh…as a matter of fact, there’s still lots of it I still don’t know…

(Both Goober and Emmett laugh, desperately trying to break the tension.  The four of them are soon joined by Miss Myerson.)

MISS MYERSON: Oh, Mike!  Oh, Mike…Mike, I knew it was important to you so I marked your paper first—do you want to know what you got?

EMMETT (grabbing Mike’s paper): Hey!  A “B”!  A “B”!  He got a “B”!

(There are shouts of triumph from all quarters)

GOOBER: Hey…is that good enough to go on the trip?

MISS MYERSON: I think he understands it now…

Emmett scoops Mike up in jubilation as he and Howard rush off to tell everyone the trip is on, baby!  Goober follows, but then stops and turns around and does this bit, which qualifies as the one dumb thing in every episode I laugh hysterically at…

As they enter the council office to the strains of For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow, the clearance between Mike’s head and the door jamb (Emmett and Goober are carrying the kid on their shoulders) is so small that for one brief shining moment I was hoping he would be knocked unconscious, making this the best R.F.D. episode ever.  (I know…I know…we simply aren’t that lucky.  But it’d be a cold summer day in Mt. Pilot before that kid could do any more fractions, let me tell you…)

SAM: Mike…you made it, huh?

MIKE: I got a “B”!

SAM: Atta boy!

(Aunt Bee gives Mike a kiss as everyone remains deliriously happy)

HOWARD: I always knew he was smart as a whip!

GOOBER (to Howard): I taught ‘em on my fingers…

MILLIE: I guess that means we can go to Palm Springs…?

SAM: I don’t see why not!

EMMETT: Hey, maybe we can go tomorrow…?

SAM: I’ll check on the plane tickets!  (He picks up the phone)

AUNT BEE: Oh, my goodness!  I’ve got a million things to do!

SAM (into the phone): Hello, Sara…?  Would you get me the Raleigh airport?  Ticket information?  (He then notices that Mike is strangely quiet) Hey, Mike…is there something wrong?

MIKE: No…I was just wondering what it would have been like if I hadn’t gotten that “B”…

Mike, now forty-five and wearing a Goober-like cap, stands in the middle of a desolate wasteland.  He is mortified for remembering that incident from so long ago, since nuclear war has completely annihilated  the town that was near and dear to him, and he frustratingly shouts “Nooooo!!!!!” even though no one remains alive to hear him.

Okay, I was only kidding about that.  Back at the house, Aunt Bee is on the phone with her unseen best bud and Mayberry’s resident bluenose harridan, Clara Edwards (Hope Summers).  Mike, despite having passed his test (personally, I think he copied off that Rodney Simms kid), is still being an annoying little prat:

AUNT BEE (on the phone): Oh, no…no, Clara…no!  Now we don’t need a gift…no…

MIKE (interrupting): Aunt Bee—can I have a shoebox for lizards?

AUNT BEE: Mike, please… (Back on the phone) Clara, it’s entirely unnecess… (Realization sets in) Lizards?  Where?

MIKE: In Palm Springs!  I promised Harold I’d bring him back some.

The unseen “Harold” to whom Mike is referring is his equally mentally-challenged friend, played by child pugilist Richard S. “Fishface” Steele.  Aunt Bee pleads with Mike to find something more appropriate in the line of souvenirs for his friend (do they make chocolate-covered lizards?) and after firmly telling Clara that getting her a going-on-vacation gift will not be necessary, Sam comes in with a honkin’ big fruit basket.

SAM: Look at that!

AUNT BEE: What’s that?

SAM: It’s a going-away present from Elmo…it’s California oranges and grapefruit…

I’m probably the only one who got misty-eyed at the mention of “Elmo,” the lovable drugstore proprietor on both TAGS and R.F.D. played by character great Vince Barnett.  The last R.F.D. episode he was on was “Mike’s Losing Streak,” but he’ll turn up in about half-a-dozen other installments soon, beginning with “Emmett Takes a Fall” (and breaks a hip).  Sam also lets Aunt Bee know that he’s got the plane tickets, and pretty soon the gang will be having the time of their lives in Palm Springs.

AUNT BEE: Oh…Sam…what’s everybody wearing on the plane—do you know?

SAM: No, I…I really don’t know…but one thing Howard’s making a big point of—he says we shouldn’t look like the typical tourists, you know, when we get on the plane and get to Palm Springs and all that…

AUNT BEE: I couldn’t agree more…conservatism should be our keynote…

Everyone has agreed to meet at the bus station at 9:30 the next morning, and all those assembled are dressed as if they’re ready to go to church.

AUNT BEE: Sam?  Did you say you locked all the windows?

SAM: Yep!  Sure did!

MILLIE: I’ve got some motion sickness pills in case anybody needs some…

EMMETT: Not with those jet planes…they fly above the weather!

MIKE: Can I sit by the window, Pa?

“Window?  There won’t be any windows in that crate, son o’mine!”  Howard enthusiastically joins the group, dressed conservatively save for a camera around his neck.

SAM (looking at his watch): Goober ought to be here any minute now…

AUNT BEE: Oh, Sam…did you say you cancelled the newspapers?

SAM: Yep!  And I soaked your sweet peas…

I have no idea why that made me laugh.  But the next e-mail I send is going to have that in the subject header.

HOWARD: Well, I must say everybody certainly looks very nice…

SAM: Well…thank you!

HOWARD: You know, what gets me is that tourist look—you know how you see people gettin’ off the planes in Hawaii?  All decked out like Christmas trees?

SAM: Yeah…I know what you mean…

MILLIE: I couldn’t agree with you more….

MIKE: Here comes Goober!

Wait for it…

I’m surprised his luggage isn’t comprised of Piggly Wiggly bags and a cooler with ice.

HOWARD: Goober!

GOOBER: Howard, what are you doin’ with that camera…you was the one who said we wasn’t supposed to look like tourists!

HOWARD: I’m not getting on the plane with you dressed like that!  The least you could have done is wear pants!

GOOBER: Well, if I had your knees I would have!

HOWARD: Oh, yeah?

GOOBER: Yeah!

This brilliant repartee continues on for a bit until Sam laments: “Oh boy…what a way to start a vacation.”  You serrit, kiddo.

In the coda to today’s episode, our little band of Mayberry regulars soar high above the clouds…

AUNT BEE: My!  We’re high up!

EMMETT: Yeah…heh heh…just imagine these fellas who make a parachute jump from up here…of course, if the parachute don’t open all they do is take it back and they give ‘em a new one…

(Aunt Bee gives Emmett a puzzled look)

MILLIE: Up here they look like little ants…

Like Ant Bee?  (Okay…put the pitchforks and torches down, folks…they can’t all be good.)

SAM: Maybe we haven’t taken off yet and they really are ants… (Millie giggles and playfully slaps at Sam, who can’t help but notice that Howard is scowling) Oh, come on, Howard…forget it…

HOWARD: Oh, it’s so embarrassing to go on a trip with that nut…

SAM: Well…at least we got him to put on pants…

Yes.  I did laugh out loud at that.  Mike comes back to where Sam, Millie and Howard are seated to show them his “wings”—namely, those little lapel souvenirs they used to give kids whenever they flew on airplanes.  (Memories.)  Goober then turns up to show his friends his wings, too, as Howard tries desperately to sink into his seat.  (Stacia is right—no one does “shame face” better than Jack Dodson.)

With the triumphant return of Aunt Bee from my home state of West Virginia, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear has had its patented Bee-o-Meter™ oiled and polished in order to add a new tally in the number of appearances actress Frances Bavier has made on Mayberry R.F.D.: four appearances in Season Two, sixteen show-ups on the entire series so far.  The shenanigans continue next week in an outing entitled “Palm Springs, Here We Are”…so I do hope you’ll make it a point to join us.