I’m starting to see daylight, knowing that with the
completion of this week’s installment of
Mayberry Mondays we have but two
episodes to finish in our grand
R.F.D. experiment…and then our long
national blogging nightmare will be over.
(And the next two episodes—oh, dearie me, do they stink to high
heaven.) The title of our little sojourn
to television’s favorite small town this week is a bit of a misnomer—village
idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) does not in any way resemble a hero; it
probably should have been titled “Goober, the Potzer.” But leave us not tarry over such trivial
details: as our little playlet unfolds, we find the show’s main character,
poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-town-council-head Sam Jones (Ken Berry), in
the city council office stamping envelopes…and assisting in the licking of stamps
is his idiot son Mike (Buddy Foster).
This scene produced a mild chuckle from me, since it subtly suggests
that the only useful purpose the kid serves is as a moistener when there are
letters to be mailed.
SAM: Well, Mike—you’ve been a big help… (Handing him the last
envelope) And that’s…about it…
MIKE: That’s good…my tongue’s starting to curl…and it tastes funny!
“I like cheese!” The
audience is spared any more of this Cowardesque banter with the arrival of
pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson), sorely missed from last
week’s proceedings (and as commenter basura rightfully points out, an episode
without Howard is like a PB&J with just the white bread).
HOWARD: I’m glad I caught you two
together…I just dropped in to remind you about Saturday…
SAM: Saturday?
HOWARD: Well, yes! The ten-mile hike for
the Junior Woodsmen!
Isn’t that the group to which Huey, Dewey and Louie
belonged?
HOWARD: I’m counting on you to come
along to help with Mike and his young friends…
SAM: Ohhh…oh, yeah…uh…well, uh, how many are we going to have
this time, Howard?
HOWARD: Oh, just five or six young
lads…the right number for a rewarding sojourn with Mother Nature…
The fact that Howard is completely unabashed about using the
word “lads” is the reason why he’s the gift that keeps on giving. This is amenable to Sam, who says he’ll get
with Howard later about what they need to bring and all. Howard gives them a snappy salute and heads
out the door, nearly colliding with Goober…who gives Howard a quick greeting
before coming into the office.
GOOBER (to Sam): I got your car
outside if you want to run me back to the gas station…
Goober punctuates this line with an unusual “Pop—vroom”
sound as he tosses the keys to Sam…but that’s not what’s so odd about this—it’s
the fact that he has to be
driven back
to his Gas ‘n’ Lube.
“Goober’s New Gas Station” established that he moved his business into town, and both Sam and
Emmett have walked to it at various times since the relocation.
GOOBER: What did Howard want?
SAM: Howard? Oh…he was
here in his official capacity as head of the Junior Woodsmen…
GOOBER: He still circulatin’ that
petition to save the swamp rat?
SAM (chuckling): He just wanted to remind us about our hike
next Saturday…he hasn’t had an outing with the boys for a couple of months now…
“And the restraining order’s finally been lifted, so…”
MIKE: Do we have to
go, Pa?
SAM: Well, what do you mean, do you have to go? I thought you and the other kids enjoyed
those hikes…?
MIKE: We do…but the way Mr. Sprague does it…I mean…
“Jesus H. Christ on a nature trail…that man is the most
boring individual on the face of this planet…”
MIKE: …well…we never get to go where we want to go! We always end
up at Myers’ Lake…
SAM: Well…I guess I could suggest going someplace else this Saturday…where would you like to go?
MIKE: Indian caves!
GOOBER: Out Mill Creek Road?
MIKE: Yeah! Aw, but Mr.
Sprague is always saying they’re too dangerous
to go in without a guide…we might get lost or something…
SAM: Well…he might be right, there…you know, those…those old
caves go way, way back into those hills—I don’t think anybody’s ever traced
them all the way…
GOOBER: I could be your guide…
Warning!
Warning! Danger, Will
Robinson! Weak sitcom premise
alert! Because, golly, what could
possibly go wrong with allowing Goober
to explore caves while supervising “five or six young lads”?
SAM: You, Goob?
MIKE: No fooling?
GOOBER: Yeah! As a kid I explored every nook and cranny of
them Indian caves…I know my way around in there like I do the back of my hand…
“My mama used to leave me in them when I was…hey! What’s this on the back of my hand—I never
noticed that before!”
SAM: Hey! You know, I
wouldn’t mind seeing those caves myself!
GOOBER: Well, yeah—we could take
some flashlights and lanterns and stuff…pack a lunch and make a day out of it!
Sam’s only reservation about this patently terrible idea is
that Howard might have other plans as far as the Junior Woodsmen excursion
goes…and not that he’s entrusting the lives of his son and his friends to a man
who used to be able to lift a hog clear over his head. But Mike tells him Howard shouldn’t object
too strenuously to including Goober: “With only five or six guys goin’…one more
kid wouldn’t hurt any.” (Every episode…one laugh-out-loud moment—though
this one is punctuated by Goober’s slightly-hurt expression.)
The scene shifts to the outside of the manor house located
on Jones Farm, where…
Why the hell do I even bother to call it “Jones Farm,”
anyway? This program has been carrying
on the charade for seventy-six episodes that Sam Jones makes a living from the
soil, and I’m telling you right now—this is bullsh*t. No real farmer would have the time to do
everything he does—namely, sit around and philosophically jaw with his idiot
friends—and still grow anything
resembling a cash crop, unless it’s the kind that’s popular in some states for
medicinal purposes if you know what I mean, and I think you do. That guy is getting a subsidy check—no two
ways about it.
All right, rant over—the Junior Woodsmen are all backpacked
up and ready to go on their hike to Miller’s Cave or whatever the hell it’s
called, and are appropriately assembled by Mistah Sprague, who looks like a
drill sergeant that’s suddenly discovered he’s got news for himself. There is then a shift to a scene just outside
the Indian Caves,
and as the Woodsmen eagerly rush toward them in order to be attacked by bears that
much more quickly, Troop Leader Sprague rains on everyone’s parade.
HOWARD: Let’s all line up here,
fellas…now there are certain set procedures we have to follow before we can
enter the caves…do any of you boys know what the first step should be in order
to make this a more satisfying and rewarding experience?
“Toss you into the lake so we can continue trying to have
fun?”
GOOBER (raising his hand): I do!
HOWARD: Yes, Goober…?
GOOBER: Let’s eat!
(The kids break out in laughter and
cheers)
HOWARD: Well, I have to admit—that
is an excellent suggestion…
Sam instructs the kids to shed their packs and start
gathering wood for a fire, and then a dissolve finds Howard tying knots in a
rope in front of the group.
HOWARD: Now, you know these caves
are uncharted and they have many twists and turns…but Goober here knows them
pretty well, and he…well, he’s going to act as our guide…
GOOBER (beaming as he holds up a
lantern): I’ll go in first with the lantern!
HOWARD: I’ve made a large knot
every five feet or so in this guide rope…that’s so each of you boys can hold on
to his place in the line as we move through the caves—all right?
SAM: Good idea, Howard!
HOWARD: Well…the result of careful
planning…
GOOBER: Everybody ready to go?
SAM: How about it, fellas—you all set?
(The kids acknowledge agreement)
GOOBER: All right, men—let’s go!
HOWARD: Wait a minute, Goober! I’ll
give the orders here… (Goober rolls his eyes) All right, men—let’s go!
Let the spelunking begin!
The kids are impressed with the breadth and depth of the caves (and
rightly so—they’re the best Hollywood money can build), and
as Goober leads the party through the innards of Indian
Caves, we have this conversation
between Mike and his little pal Richard:
RICHARD: Do you suppose we’ll find
any buried Indian treasure?
MIKE: Only pirates
have buried treasure…
RICHARD: Well…maybe there were some
pirate Indians…
Only when
Pittsburgh
is playing
Cleveland, son. Richard is played by former kiddie thesp
Brian Morrison (who turned 52 last Wednesday, so a belated birthday shout-out
to Bri) in his second
R.F.D. appearance…having introduced
the character in the episode
“The Kid from Hong Kong.” Suddenly, a dramatic twist in the narrative!
GOOBER: Wait a minute! Wait a
minute!
HOWARD: What is it? What is it?
SAM: What’s the matter, Goob?
GOOBER: My stomach’s beginnin’ to
rumble…you guys mind waitin’ here while I go back and get ‘nother sandwich?
You know I don’t like to nitpick…but if all they ate was
sandwiches, why did Sam ask the kids to go gather firewood? (Well, I suppose they could have been
grilled cheese…)
HOWARD: Please…just keep moving, Goober…
GOOBER: Well, yes, Captain…okay, General… (He gives him a sarcastic salute)
SAM: Goob…wait a minute…wait…are you sure you’re going in the
right direction here? Maybe you ought to
check the compass, huh?
GOOBER: Well, not me—I’ve been in
here a hunnerd times! Just follow ol’
Goober!
A syndication mandated edit finds our explorers in a large
area of the cave that has Howard very impressed, particularly with some of the
formations on the walls:
HOWARD: Hey! Look at this!
MIKE: What is it, Mr. Sprague?
HOWARD: Why, it’s a perfect example of inclined
stratification! Yeah…these lines
were…were formed by crimping and folding many centuries ago…
MIKE: Oh…that’s very interesting, Mr. Sprague…
Always likes to keep his audience riveted! Howard continues to drone on about the
formation of the cave rocks as only he can do, and as such Goober decides to
wander up ahead. It does not take too
long before the spelunkers realize that their “guide” is no longer with them.
MIKE: He’s gone, Pa!
SAM: Well…you don’t suppose he went on ahead, do you?
HOWARD: Oh, no…even he wouldn’t do a thing like that!
I don’t think Howard really believes that statement.
HOWARD: He must have seen us stop!
RICHARD: You want me to run up
ahead and see if I can find him? (He
starts toward a passageway)
HOWARD: No no no no no! Definitely not! No no no no no…we don’t know where that
leads! The best thing we can do is to
stick together…
SAM: Where, Mike?
MIKE: He said something about being hungry…and wanting another
sandwich…I’ll betcha while we were standing here talking…he went back for food…
HOWARD: You know, Sam—I wouldn’t be
surprised if that was exactly what he did…
“It’s a well-known fact that it’s the nature of the
primitive Goober to forage for food.” So
the group decides the only course of action is to retrace their steps and head
back for base camp, and as they make tracks for the exit…
…yes, you’ve already guessed it—Dumbass is lost in the
cave. (Oh, this irony is delicious—have
some seconds, and try some of that dipping sauce!) Outside where it’s safe…
SAM: Nah…he’s not here, Howard…
HOWARD: Well—he hasn’t been here;
either…his food wasn’t touched…
Yes, I laughed out loud at that for reasons I can’t
explain. (“There are no signs of his
stool, either…”)
MIKE: Gosh, Pa…he must have kept on going in the cave…
“This is probably not the best time to tell you this,
Mike…but I’ve been living a lie. Goober
is your real dad.”
SAM: Yeah…I’m afraid he’s lost in there, Howard…maybe he can
find his way out but maybe he can’t…
MIKE: Do you suppose we should go in and try to find him?
HOWARD: Nah…we couldn’t do that,
Mike—none of us knows our way in the cave…and besides, we’ve lost our guide
rope…
SAM: Yeah…well…he’s safe enough in there temporarily…with that
big lunch he ate, he’s not going to starve to death…look, I think we’d better
get these kids home before it gets too dark, Howard…and get back out here with
some kind of help, huh?
HOWARD: Yeah…I think you’re right…
“Or…we could meet Millie at Morelli’s and grab a bite to
eat…then head over to Siler City and catch The
Andromeda Strain—I hear that’s supposed to be good! I’m sure there’s no real rush to get to Goober…he is a cave expert, after all…” Come on—you can’t tell me that Howard won’t
jump at the prospect of leaving Goober to be devoured by bears, freeing him to
a life where he no longer has to explain things to his dim chum. Well, Howard tells the kids to get their gear
together and meanwhile, back in the cave…
…Goober eats his last candy bar. You know what they say—sometimes you eat the
bar…and sometimes the bar, he eats you.
(Oh, like you weren’t thinking of that joke yourself.)
Back from commercial, we find a worried Sam getting off the
phone in the city council office. He
walks over to grab a cup of free city-subsidized Sanka, and at a table sits
Howard, fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) and Sam’s main squeeze,
bakery doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka).
SAM: The, uh, Sheriff’s department over in Mt. Pilot…be happy to help…but they don’t have anybody over there
who’s familiar with the caves either…it’s out of their territory…
There’s a tip for you local police departments out
there—next time someone reports a drowning, simply stroke your chin and say:
“Well…technically, water isn’t in our
jurisdiction…”
HOWARD: Well, this…this, uh,
Barnsdale you mentioned—who’s he?
SAM: Oh, that’s, uh, Ted Barnsdale…he’s the county
geologist…he’s explored the caves several times, he has all the equipment and
he probably knows them better than anyone else around here…
“Well, with the exception of the dipsh*t who’s trapped in
them now…”
SAM: He’s coming back off a field trip late tonight, and we’re
going to meet ‘em all out at the cave first thing in the morning…
EMMETT: You mean you can’t do
anything till then?
SAM: Well, they’re sending a couple of deputies to stake out
the entrance to the cave till morning—just in case Goober finds his way
out…but, uh, they feel it’s too risky to go in there without the expert…
MILLIE (sighing): Oh, dear…
EMMETT: Well, if Goober gets hungry
in there before morning he can eat sand
lizards…
(Millie is repulsed by this notion)
HOWARD (to Millie): Don’t think he
won’t!
(Sam and Emmett laugh)
MILLIE: Poor Goober…it’ll be so terrible for him…trapped in a cold, dark
cave all night…
SAM: Actually, he’ll be safe enough…
MILLIE: Oh, Sam…it’ll be so
depressing and uncomfortable for him in there…
SAM: Have you ever seen that furnished room he lives in?
We rarely get to see the soft white underbelly of the
sweetness-and-light that is
R.F.D.—so watching these alleged
friends of Goober joke about his predicament is actually sort of amusing, in a
black comedy sort of way. We then are
taken back to the cave, where a terrified Goober continually yells “Help!” and
to add insult to injury, his lantern finally goes out. In pitch darkness, we hear him wail: “Now I
lay me down to sleep…” Why the network
didn’t go to the show’s producers and propose a crossover with
Lassie
(also on CBS at this time) is an idea gone unexplored—she would have found Goob
before the General Foods break.
It is morning, and as Sam, Emmett and Howard (still
hilariously wearing that dorky ranger’s hat) wait by the cave entrance we are
introduced to two of the guest dramatis personae in “Goober, the Hero.” One of them is Sheriff Fred Matson, who’s
played by one of the character greats, James Westerfield. The burly Westerfield appeared in such films
as
On the Waterfront (as Big Mac),
Three Hours to Kill,
Lucy Gallant,
Decision at Sundown,
Cowboy
and
Birdman of Alcatraz—Disney
devotees know him as “Officer Hanson” in three films:
The Shaggy Dog,
The Absent
Minded Professor and
Son of Flubber.
The other gentleman is the previously mentioned Ted
Barnsdale, played by another veteran from the character actor trenches—Len Wayland. If you’re a
Dragnet junkie like I am,
you know Wayland from multiple appearances on the 1967-70 version; his
friendship with creator Jack Webb even led to a co-starring role in Webb’s final
TV series
Sam, which was on for about twelve minutes in 1978 (it was
about a crime-fighting German Shepherd, and starred Mark Harmon in one of his
earliest boob tube gigs…no, he did not play the dog). Wayland also had recurring roles on such
series as
Dr. Kildare,
Felony Squad (as the D.A.) and
Dallas,
in addition to soap operas like
A Time to Live and
From
These Roots.
HOWARD (to Ted): I understand you
know these caves fairly well…
“Well, enough not to go blundering around in them like a
damn fool and risk being eaten by…uh…well, I’m sure he’s still alive…”
TED: Yeah—they’re a pretty
complicated headwork of tunnels…but if we examine all the branches
systematically, we’re bound to find your man…
“Or his remains, surely…”
The sheriff tells Barnsdale to lead the way, and now all we can do is
wait.
HOWARD: I hear The Mount Pilot Clarion got wind of this last night—most the
news media will probably be here to cover Goober’s rescue…
SAM: Yeah?
EMMETT: We ain’t had so much
excitement since they dragged the lake
for old Mrs. Venable!
Emmett’s joke about “Mrs. Venable” is the second time for
the series—he refers to her mysterious demise in the previously mentioned
“Goober’s Gas Station.” I don’t claim to
be a scholar in the ways of Mayberry, but I’ve often wondered if this wasn’t an
in-joke directed toward Alma Venable, a one-time hairdresser who did the hair
of Geneva Griffith, mother of Andy.
Venable operates the
Mayberry Motor Inn in Mount Airy, NC and is owner
of a large collection of memorabilia once belonging to actress Frances Bavier,
which she houses in the “Aunt Bee Room”—she also has the “Mayberry Squad Car”
on the premises, as well as “Emmett’s Truck”…though I don’t remember Emmett
ever driving any other vehicle besides a DeSoto.
Sam suggests to Howard and Emmett that they saunter over to
see what they can do to help…and the camera then cuts to the inside of the
cave, where our little lost Goober is now waking up. He’s puzzled by the fact that the cave is
bathed in light, and he looks up to see an opening. Emerging from his cave prison, Goober is
amazed to see…
…a Tyrannosaurus Rex chasing Rick, Will and Holly
Marshall! Okay, just a little
Land
of the Lost humor there…he actually finds this:
A little shack in the
North Carolina
woods. And because the first priority of
the Goober is to always forage for food, he ventures down to the cabin where
this gentleman resides inside…
It’s Gus! So this is
where he retired after leaving Mayfield!
I am, of course, referring to the iconic role of character legend Burt
Mustin, that of “Gus the Fireman” on the sitcom
Leave It to Beaver. Let me just say for the record…that if there
is a President Emeritus of the “Hey!
It’s That Guy!” fraternity—Mustin surely must have pasted it in his
scrapbook shortly before the dawn of time.
He’s no stranger to Mayberry, of course—he appeared multiple times on
The
Andy Griffith Show, usually as a codger named “Jud Fletcher” (also
spelled “Judd”…as in “For the Defense”)…and I even wrote about his guest
appearance one time in a twisted episode of
Gomer Pyle, USMC. Other shows on which Burt had recurring
roles:
The Great Gildersleeve,
A Date with the Angels,
The
Beverly Hillbillies,
Petticoat Junction,
All
in the Family and
Phyllis. (My favorite Mustin guest role is a
Dragnet
episode in which he plays Calvin Lampe, dismissed by Friday and Gannon as a
meddlesome old coot as they try to solve a homicide until they learn he’s a
retired police detective…and then they nearly kill one another trying to be the
first to kiss his ass.)
GOOBER: My name is Goober Pyle from
Mayberry, and I’m lost…
“And in other breaking news…sugar is sweet.”
GOOBER: Could I come in a minute?
BENSON: You ain’t one of them hippies, are ya?
Goober assures him that he is not, and so Benson—Harvey
Benson—invites him in. When he
introduces himself to Goober, our favorite manchild remarks: “You must be Old
Man Benson!” (“No, that’s my father…schmuck…”)
BENSON: The oldest Benson there is
that’s still kickin’…you’re a good seven miles from Mayberry…hmm…got lost in
the woods, huh?
GOOBER: No…lost Indian caves…
Goober keeps staring over at a pot of stew that Benson has
bubbling on the stove, and though the old man is reasonably sure Goob’s not a
member of the Manson family he decides it might not be a bad idea to let his
guest fill his belly with some grub. As Goober
generously ladles it on a plate, he explains to old man Benson how he stupidly
got into the cave in the first place.
BENSON: Bad place to be iffen you
don’t know your way around…
GOOBER: Well, I thought I did—but I kept runnin’ into blind
alleys…I’d still be there if I hadn’t woke up and found the exit…
BENSON: You stumbled onto the old
north entrance…don’t hardly anybody know about that…over a mile from where you
went in…
This starts to cast a shadow of doubt on the cave
“expertise” of Ted Barnsdale, County Geologist. Scarfing down the stew, Goober glances at his
watch.
GOOBER: Wow—it’s almost ten o’clock…my friends must be goin’ crazy lookin’ for me—have you got a phone I can use?
BENSON: Got no car…got no phone…
Got no light. Not a
single luxury. Like Robinson Crusoe,
it’s primitive as can be. As Benson
himself explains: “Fella has either one, his friends keep droppin’ in or
callin’ up…people’s what I come out here to get shed of.” (Oh, Gus…they must have done you so wrong back in Mayfield.) Goober then notices Benson’s antique television
set…
…and asks “Holy smokes, that old set still work?” “Like a charm,” boasts OMB. “That thing’s stuck with me since
Kukla,
Fran and Ollie.” (“Plus I’m
smart enough not to let that cretin at that Mayberry fix-it shop get his greasy
mitts on it!”) Because this is a sitcom,
as soon as Benson turns it back on we get this gentleman…
Anytime a character in either a movie or TV show switched on
a TV set—it was even money that the
announcer-reporter-newscaster-sportscaster-what-have-you would be Bill
Baldwin.
Baldwin
has a long list of credits at the IMDb, but he’s primarily remembered for
narrating such series as
Harbor Command,
Bat Masterson and
Animal
World. We take you now to an
on-the-spot report from the venerable Mr. B:
BALDWIN: Friends, as this rescue operation moves into its third
hour this morning, there is still no sign of the unfortunate victim who
disappeared into the winding catacombs…of Indian Caves…
GOOBER: Hey! That’s…that’s the entrance! That’s where I went in!
BENSON: That’s it, all right!
GOOBER: Then…I must be the unfortunate victim!
“Son…level with me…you’re not really that stupid, are you? You’d
never have made it out of that cave if you were…”
BALDWIN: …after an all-night vigil
by two deputies here at the entrance to the cave…Sheriff Matson this morning
rushed Mr. Ted Barnsdale—an expert on subterranean exploration—to the site…Mr.
Barnsdale has twice entered the
gaping maw of this treacherous cavern…and twice come out with no clues whatsoever…no evidence as to whether Mr. Goober Pyle
is alive and well…or instead has…been swallowed up forever in some uncharted
abyss…in this dangerous chasm…
GOOBER (horrified): Wow! Did you hear that! If I didn’t know I was sittin’ here watchin’
I’d be scared to death!
We then go back to the entrance to the cave, where Baldwin—reporting
for Mt. Pilot’s
TV station WZAZ—conducts an interview with Sheriff Matson:
BALDWIN: Sheriff—perhaps you could summarize for us the progress
that’s been made so far?
MATSON: Well, our county geologist
tells me that…this here cave has four main branches…and he’s already checked,
uh, two of them with the help of my men…
BALDWIN: I see—well, besides that…do you have a backup plan to…facilitate the operation?
MATSON: Dogs…
BALDWIN: I beg your pardon?
MATSON: We’re flyin’ in a couple of
bloodhounds by helicopter…from Burleigh County…we’ll turn ‘em loose in the cave and they’ll sniff out the
culprit…uh…the, uh, victim…
After strapping on the ol’ feedbag at Benson Estates, Goob
is about ready to bid his benefactor goodbye since his friends are probably
worried about him.
GOOBER: I gotta get movin’…let my
friends know I’m safe…helicopters, geologists, dogs…they’re spendin’ a fortune huntin’ me…
BENSON: Sure are…
GOOBER: If I follow this road out
here will that take me back to the cave entrance?
BENSON: Yep…if you’re crazy enough to go there…
GOOBER: Whaddya mean by that?
BENSON: Son…you breeze up to that
cave entrance right now…with all them cameras and reporters and sheriffs
swarmin’ all over the place…you’re gonna be the
most unpopular man in these parts!
Got a TL for you, Harve…he wasn’t held in particularly high
esteem before he went into that cave.
GOOBER: Well, how you figure? I’m the one they’re lookin’ for!
BENSON: That’s right! But they’re lookin’ for you in the Indian Caves, where you’re supposed to be trapped underground! They’re usin’ a lot of money and manpower to
rescue a poor, unfortunate victim…now you go waltzin’ up there good as
new—Sheriff Matson and them men are gonna be mad as hornets!
GOOBER (sitting down): I never
thought of that…
BENSON: You can’t cheat them boys
out of a rescue! Besides—you’d be the
laughin’ stock of the county!
Got another TL for you, Harve…he…oh, never mind. At this point in the narrative, reporter
Baldwin is back on the air with geologist Barnsdale to report a couple of new
developments in l’affaire Goober…and
he also asks two of Mr. Pyle’s friends, Mr. Jones and Mr. Sprague, to join him
on camera. Faithful Mayberry Mondays fans
know that the program’s surefire formula for comedy is to simply point a
television camera at Howard…but since the dialogue here isn’t particularly
knee-slapping, I can now guess why the writers insisted he leave the hat on.
BALDWIN: Fellas…could you identify these items or connect them with
the missing victim, please…?
HOWARD: Yeah…well…uh…uh…this is Mr.
Pyle’s comic book, all right…Captain
Whammo—he never goes anywhere without
it…
SAM: Yeah, and the candy bar wrapper…that’s definitely his…I saw him eat five or six
of those after breakfast yesterday…
BARNSDALE: I found these in a
section called “the Grotto”…
(Barnsdale is interrupted by the
sounds of barking dogs)
BALDWIN: Sheriff! What have
we here?
MATSON (coming into camera view):
Dogs! Dogs! The dogs just got here! Bring ‘em on in here, fellers!
BARNSDALE: Good…we’ll take them in
with us and give them the scent…I think we’re closing in on our man!
BALDWIN: Thank you, Ted…and thank you, Sheriff…
MATSON: Now them dogs is trained by
my cousin over in Burleigh…Clyde Matson…runs
the pet shop at 16 Brill Street…open nine to five…
Goober is at this point so concerned that he pours himself another
glass of milk. “With all that trouble
and expense looking for me—well, them guys are liable to kill me if I just walk up now and say ‘what’s new?’” Old Man Benson did not become the crafty unsociable
hermit he is today without learning a few things along the way, however…he
tells Goob he’s going back in that cave!
(Prompting Goob to quickly make himself a mayonnaise-and-bean sandwich
for the road.)
At the other entrance, as Millie gets coffee for everybody
because, female, Sheriff Matson emerges from the cave to excitedly announce
that Goober has been found! (I know, I
know—I was hoping the same as you…that Goober would instead elect to stay with Harvey
as the focus of a Mayberry R.F.D. spin-off, Goober and the (Old) Man.) “He looks a little beat-up from bein’ trapped
down there,” asserts the sheriff, “but otherwise he’s fit as a fiddle.” Naturally, Goober’s friends and loved ones
are pleased that he’s safe and sound.
GOOBER: Thank you, everybody! Thank you!
I’d like to thank all of you for snatchin’ me from the jaws of death…
(Reporter Baldwin runs up
and makes his way through the crowd)
BALDWIN: Oh, Mr. Pyle…if you’re not too exhausted, can you say a
few words to our television audience?
GOOBER: I’ll try…
Baldwin walks Goober over to where
the cameras are waiting, and the interview begins.
BALDWIN: Ladies and gentlemen…I want you to meet the heroic
survivor of twenty-four terrifying hours in Indian Caves…Mr. Grover Pyle…
GOOBER: Goober…Goober Pyle…
BALDWIN: Of course…but Mr. Pyle—briefly for our audience…could you
tell us the secret of your successful underground struggle with the forces of Mother Nature?
GOOBER: I-I-I just tried to figger
what one of my favorite heroes would do and I done that…
BALDWIN: One of your favorite heroes?
GOOBER: Uh…Captain Whammo…
This provokes priceless reactions from both Howard and Sam.
GOOBER: …he always keeps his
head…and don’t never panic…
BALDWIN: I see…well…how did you manage twenty-four hours without
food or water?
GOOBER: Uh…will power…
BALDWIN: By sheer will power…that’s an absolutely remarkable story, absolutely
remarkable…well, I know you want to get back to civilization and a well-deserved
meal, so I won’t detain you any further…
GOOBER: Yes, sir…
BALDWIN: Thank you very much, Mr. Grover Pyle…
GOOBER: Uh…Goober…Goober Pyle…
When Goober steps off camera, another idiot is there to take
his place. (I just love the expression
on Hartman’s face—it is prime rube, ladies and gentlemen.) Goober then runs over to where Sam and Howard
are standing, asking “Didja see me on TV?”
As he grabs his comic book from Howard, Millie comes up with a couple of
sandwiches.
MILLIE: Here, Goober—this isn’t
much but maybe it might tide you over until you get home…
GOOBER: Oh, thanks, Mill…but I’m so
full I couldn’t eat another thing…I…
(Realizing once again he’s said something stupid) Whuh…what I mean is, I really
had a big lunch yesterday!
Goober nibbles at one of the sandwiches, and we can’t get to
the coda of this thing quickly enough.
The
Indian Caves
snafu has made the front page of
The
Mount Pilot Clarion—demonstrating for all that there is simply not
enough news for a paper like that to print a daily edition. But Howard, in the council office with Sam,
still has some unanswered questions regarding Goober’s mysterious “rescue”:
HOWARD: I don’t know, Sam…what do
you think?
SAM: What—about Goober’s…ordeal?
HOWARD: Yeah! And about the sandwiches! “I’m so full I couldn’t eat another
bite”…there’s something strange about
the whole business…
SAM: Yeah…yeah, I agree…
HOWARD: …and when they were helping
him into the Sheriff’s car—a
mayonnaise-and-bean sandwich fell out of his pocket…
Sam cuts Howard off quickly because he’s spotted Goober
getting ready to enter the office. Goob
is carrying a small stack of Mount Pilot Clarions under his arm, and he’s about
to come clean to his friends that “somethin’ ain’t quite right.”
GOOBER: If I let you in on it…you
promise not to tell anybody?
SAM: If you say so…
GOOBER: Well…it says there “Mr.
Goober Frederick Pyle was rescued after twenty-four hours without food or
water”?
HOWARD: Yeah…?
GOOBER: That ain’t exactly right…
(Howard shoots Sam a knowing look)
SAM: It isn’t?
GOOBER: No…I just tole them my
middle name was “Frederick”…what it really is is “Francis”…
And scene! Two more
episodes, friends and neighbors—and I’m going to be honest and upfront with you
like I always am unless it conflicts with my plans for world domination. The next episode is plenty bad—it’s one of
those Millie-is-going-to-be-jealous escapades.
But “The City Planner” does feature a guest appearance from a seasoned
actress who will (knock wood) celebrate her seventy-seventh birthday come this
May 30…and an
OTR veteran making her third
and final appearance on the show. As for
Cousin Alice (Alice Ghostley)—she’s the only regular who had nothing to do on
the show this week, so
Thrilling Days of
Yesteryear’s patented Alice-o-Meter™ stays right where it is at twelve
appearances for the third and final season.
Will I be able to overcome the guaranteed lethargy and ennui to talk
about “The City Planner” next week? Keep
an eye on this space to find out!
