It also now superimposes the producer, director and writers
credits over the action (previously, these credits were featured in a short
“bridge” between the coda and the closing credits), as you can see in the below
screen cap…
…which also features pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) amusing himself with a little b-ball. As Howard demonstrates that not only can’t white men jump they also can’t freakin’ shoot, Sam and the other two members of the Mayberry Quartet, village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) and fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) come walking up the sidewalk to watch the ensuing hilarity whenever Howard has a basketball in his hands.
HOWARD: Well, what’s it look like I’m doing, Goober?
GOOBER: Well, it looks like you’re…tryin’
to sink baskets, ‘cept you ain’t
sinkin’ none…
HOWARD (haughtily): That’s not my
primary purpose…
EMMETT: Oh…well, they musta changed
the rules since I used to play…
“Of course, I’m also the one who told Jimmy Naismith no one
would ever play that game…”
SAM: Ah…that’s why you have
this…chart here, huh?
HOWARD: Yeah! Yeah!
See…each different maneuver brings the different muscles into play,
like…uh…well, like the trapezius
here…the latissimus dorsi…the gluteus maximus…here, stand back and
I’ll show you what I mean…
While Howard can impress folks with his knowledge of Latin
body terms…he kind of stinks when it comes to basic basketball skills; his
attempts to shoot a lay-up woefully miss the mark. (Not that I’m claiming superiority in this
area…but then, I don’t spend time on basketball courts demonstrating my
inability to play the game.) Goober
finally figures out Howard’s demonstration: “Yeah, I get it—the muscles you don’t use sinkin’ baskets, you use
chasin’ the ball…”
Sam informs Howard that the three of them are going over to
the lodge to shoot some pool and wants to know if he’s up for a game. But Howard is determined to stick it out (“I
think I’ll just stick with the inflated spheroid,” he says) even if the neighborhood
kids will soon be coming around to humiliate him, so Goober asks him for the
basketball and does a little showing off by sinking one one-handed.
GOOBER: Didja see that, Emmett?
EMMETT: Yeah, I seen it…are we gonna shoot pool or ain’t
we?
GOOBER: Nah, I think I’ll stay here
for a while…you go ahead… (Sam takes the ball from Goober and fires one
off…nothing but net) Hey hey!
HOWARD: Pretty good…pretty good…
EMMETT: Sam?
SAM: Well…this is kind of fun…good
exercise, too, as Howard says…
EMMETT: Well…suit yourself…I’m
gonna go along…maybe I’ll bum into Elmo or Earl…
SAM: Okay, Emmett…
EMMETT: Don’t you guys overdo it…you’re gonna wind up lookin’
like that guy in the picture…
Yeah, another one of those Emmett jokes that no one in the
audience seems to get but that amuses his idiot friends mostly out of
politeness. So Goober does a few
“Globetrotters” moves, even joking that they ought to form “the Mayberry
Globetrotters”…because nothing attracts single women more than white guys
trying to play basketball.
SAM (as he sinks another shot):
Hey, you know what we could altogether do that’d be fun, and… (The ball bounces
back to him) …a lot of good exercise…take up bike riding…
GOOBER: On bicycles?
No, on horses. (Schmuck.)
SAM: Yeah! Yeah, I was reading an article about it the
other day…it’s just as good for you as jogging—lot more fun, too…
HOWARD: That’s right…
GOOBER: I was a ridin’ fool when I was a kid…
There’s a
startling revelation.
HOWARD: Hey, you know what we could do…form a bicycle club! You know, get together and go on regular
weekend outings in the country!
GOOBER: Well, sure! Right off the bat we got me, you, Howard,
Emmett…
SAM: Yeah! Yeah, that’d be a lot of fun! (Stopping to think) Mm…wait a minute, Goob…
GOOBER: What?
SAM: I don’t think we ought to
count on Emmett…
GOOBER: Well, why not?
HOWARD: Oh, yeah…I think I see what
you mean…
“He’s referring to the sometimes strenuous nature of bicycle
riding, Goob,” Howard tries to explain to his empty-headed chum…but because
that has way too many big words, he’d be better off telling him “he’s too
goddam old.” It’s not that they wouldn’t
welcome Emmett, you understand—it’s just that a man of his vintage might not be
able to keep up with these three speed demons, and no one wants to be in the
uncomfortable position of having to put Emmett in their bike basket should the
old coot kick it during a weekend excursion.
So the three of them decide not to mention the genesis of the club…and
this will present a problem, because this means that someone in the group is
going to have to accidentally spill the beans to Emmett if we expect to have a
plot this week. The smart money would be
on Goober, because he observes: “Well, you don’t have to worry about me—if he
happens to ask if we’re formin’ a bicycle club I’ll just play dumb.”
But no…it’s not Goober.
The peace and tranquility of TV’s favorite sleepy little Southern city
will be inadvertently rocked by bakery counter girl Millie Swanson (Arlene
Golonka), who has innocently stopped by Emmett’s shop to ask about the state of
her toaster.
EMMETT: Sure… (He walks over to a
shelf) Here it is right here…just a wire pulled loose… (As Millie pulls out
some money from her purse) Ah, there’s no charge…
Right now, Chris Vosburg is seated in front of his computer
saying “I don’t believe it! That
sonuvabitch fixed something for the second
week in a row!”
MILLIE: Oh! Oh, well…thank you, Emmett!
EMMETT (laughing): That’s okay…
MILLIE: By the way—when is your
club going on its first outing?
EMMETT: What?
MILLIE: Your bicycle club!
EMMETT: Bicycle club? Whaddya talkin’ about?
MILLIE: The one that Sam and Goober
and Howard… (Her voice trails off)
Millie’s only response to this little fox paw is “oh,
dear.” Personally, she would have been
better off faking a seizure.
MILLIE:
Uh…n-n-nothing…n-n-nothing…I’m sorry, Emmett…I must have been
mistaken…well—thanks again for the toaster!
(Millie grabs the box but Emmett
hangs onto it)
EMMETT: Wait a minute, Millie…I
don’t think anybody’s mistaken…it
seems pretty plain to me—Sam and
Howard and Goober are startin’ some kind of a club…
MILLIE: Well…
EMMETT: Without me!
MILLIE: Oh…w-w-well, it’s very new, Emmett…I-I’m sure they just haven’t
gotten around to asking you to join yet!
EMMETT: My three best friends in
the whole world…freezin’ me out!
“If the world was gonna end at four-thirty in the afternoon,
I wouldn’t even ask them the time of day!” screeches Emmett, as he removes his
fix-it apron. “And to top it off, if
they think I’m gonna rush right out and try to find out why they don’t want to
include me in, they got another think comin’!”
Emmett then makes a dramatic exit out of the fix-it shop, because he’s
rushing right out to the council office to try and find out why they don’t want
to include him in.
HOWARD: The truth of the matter
is…we just haven’t seen you for a
couple of days…naturally, the subject…just never…came up in the course of
normal conversation, that’s all…
SAM: Yeah!
GOOBER: Okay…who spilled the beans?
As much as it pains me to say this…Goober is sort of a necessity in situations like this, even though this screen cap featuring an exasperated Howard would seem to contradict me.
SAM: Look…Emmett…uh…I…you got this
thing all wrong…but I’ll admit, you’re entitled to an explanation!
EMMETT: I don’t want no
explanation! I ain’t interested in your
club! (He pulls a shirt off of Sam’s
desk) What’s this thing?
HOWARD: Well, that’s our new jersey with our club emblem…the Red Devils…
EMMETT: Well, that ain’t the name
I’d-a given ya…but it’s in the right
direction…
Slightly off-topic…but during the years that I matriculated
at Ravenswood Penitentiary
High School , the “Red Devil” was our
official mascot. (The reason for this is
because life in Ravenswood can be hell.)
HOWARD: Emmett…w-w-we were merely
discussing exercise the other day at my house, and somebody mentioned
bicycling…
SAM: Yeah, and then somebody said
why don’t we form a little bicycle club and ride together on the weekends…now
the fact that we didn’t mention it to you is nothing against you personally…
EMMETT: Oh, no! (He throws the
jersey at Goober)
HOWARD: No! I mean…we thought you wouldn’t want to give
up your weekly pool games for bicycling, that’s all…
SAM: Sure! That’s it!
And we thought you might think that bicycling was more for kids than for grown-ups!
HOWARD: Yeah!
GOOBER: Especially with them tired ol’ bones of yours…
The gift that keeps on giving.
EMMETT: Oh, so that’s it! Now it comes out! You were trying to keep me out of your
bicycle club because you think I’m too
old?
HOWARD: Emmett…
SAM: No…no…look, Emmett…bicycling
can be very strenuous…especially if
you haven’t done it in a long time…and we thought…
EMMETT: Me? Too old? (Scoffing) Ha ha…just because a man’s over…over
forty you think he can’t ride a silly
little kid bike?
I know a man who’s over forty and he can’t even fix a silly little kid bike. Well, Emmett goes on an extended rant about how he has the stamina of “guys half my age,” pointing out that he’s up and down the stairs at Casa del Emmett all the time and lifting heavy appliances in the fix-it shop. Finally he sits down and pouts.
SAM: Okay, Emmett…okay…we’re sorry…I mean, we didn’t know you’d be that interested, and…we didn’t have any right to make up your mind for you…
HOWARD: Sam’s right, Emmett…we
apologize…
SAM: Yeah…
HOWARD (extending for a handshake):
Welcome to the Red Devils!
So Emmett forgives his thoughtless friends, and there’s much
celebratory backslapping until we dissolve to a shot of Howard riding a bike
down Mayberry’s main thoroughfare and shouting out “Hey guys!” to Sam and
Goober, who are waiting outside the council office with their bikes. Also in attendance: Mike the Idiot Boy and
Millie…who you would have thought would have been excluded seeing as how she
couldn’t keep her big bazoo shut in the first place.
SAM: Aw, he’ll be here…
HOWARD: Boy, I can’t wait for the
first hill we come to…when we stand right up on our pedals and put our entire gluteus maximi into play… (Laughs)
GOOBER: Hey! Here comes Daredevil Clark now!
And indeed it is!
Emmett pulls up on a brand new bicycle—“hand brakes…ten-speed
shift”—that he purchased at the drugstore run by resident Mayberry curmudgeon
and lech Elmo Halpert (Vince Barnett).
Emmett looks down at Goober’s bicycle:
EMMETT: What’s that—a girl’s bike?
GOOBER: Well, no it ain’t no girl’s bike…well, it was, but my sister give it to me…I put this broom handle across the
top, now it’s a man’s bicycle…
This is the guy who’s checking under your automobile’s hood, fellow Mayberrians. Try getting a good night’s sleep after that. Well, there’s a wide, wonderful world to be biked out there, friends and neighbors…so let’s saddle up!
SAM: What? What?
(Millie hands him a box) What’s that?
MILLIE: Cream puffs!
HOWARD: Oh!
MILLIE: Now make sure you hold them
by the string so they won’t get
smashed…
SAM: By the…oh, Millie—this is a cross country trip! I can’t ride with one hand…
MILLIE: Oh! But I just got them fresh from the bakery this morning…
SAM: Oh, Millie…look…I…can’t…
GOOBER: Sam! Hang ‘em on your handle bars! (Gritting his teeth) Cream puffs!
Every episode…one laugh-out-loud moment. Well, our Red Devils are soon off and racing
around the countryside. (For which I am
grateful, because a lot of the stuff in this episode is visual and doesn’t
require reams of dialogue or commentary.)
SAM (as the four of them are
riding): How’s that new bike, Emmett?
EMMETT: Oh, great! With these new gears there’s no effort at
all…
HOWARD: It certainly is exhilarating! Nothing like a bracing day in the country!
Another scene shift finds Sam, Goober and Howard still
pedaling along…
HOWARD: There’s a good place to
stop right up here…anybody for lunch?
GOOBER: Yeah—me!
SAM: How ‘bout you, Emmett? (Looking over his shoulder) Emmett?!!
HOWARD: We must have gone too fast
for him…
SAM: Well…he’ll catch up…
Unless he was devoured by wolves or something…but as is so
often the case, we simply aren’t that lucky.
So the others find a table to sit down and scarf down their cream puffs
(the healthy choice for bicyclists everywhere!), then begin to tidy up.
HOWARD (to Sam): You think maybe we
ought to go look for Emmett?
No!!!
SAM: Well, I don’t know…I… (He
looks off into the distance) Oh…we won’t have to…look!
Emmett slowly but surely pedals into view. “I don’t see how he can go so slow and keep that bicycle up at the same time,” observes Goober.
EMMETT (pulling up to the others):
Hi, guys! Hope I didn’t hold you
up! Uh…I had a little bike
trouble…the…uh…the chain was
slippin’…
GOOBER: Well, I brought some
tools…you want me to take a look at it?
EMMETT: No no no no…it…uh…it sorta
cures itself when it sits for a while…
SAM: How are you feeling?
EMMETT (trying to hide the fact
that he’s out of breath): Oh, great!
Great…I…I could have gone on for another six miles or so before
lunch…but…as long as you guys conked out here, I…well…that’s…uh…great country
out this road! It gets even better up
ahead there…
HOWARD: Uh…yeah…well, we didn’t
figure on going any further, Emmett… (He gives Sam a wink) We thought we’d
start heading back…
GOOBER: Whaddya mean? We’re gonna… (Howard smacks him in the arm)
Oh…yeah…yeah!
EMMETT: Uh…a little too much for
you fellas, huh?
Sam tells Emmett that they’ll be happy to stick around and
wait until he’s ready, but Emmett waves him and the others off. “You guys could probably use a head start…I’ll
just sit here and have my lunch and then I’ll follow you…I’ll catch up to you
in no time at all.”
“Yeah, I’ll catch up to you after this power nap,” the screen cap would suggest here. There is another scene shift, and we find Sam, Goober and Howard seated on the bench outside the council office. “The moon’s come up,” observes Howard, which would indicate that Emmett the Bicyclist is a bit behind in his return to Mayberry. Goober then spots Emmett slowly pedaling into town, and he starts to get up to greet Emmett but Sam stops him short…Emmett is never to know that he arrived back in town ten years later. (Okay, I’m joking about that.) The three men have a sad as the scene fades to black for a commercial.
Back from shilling Sanka and Jell-O, we find Emmett walking up to his fix-it shop to start another day of bidness…and he accidentally drops his keys on the sidewalk. It is extremely painful for Emmett to reach down for the keys, but he makes the effort just as Elmo is walking by.
ELMO: Hi, Emmett! Whatcha lookin’ at?
EMMETT (straining): I ain’t lookin’
at nothin’…I dropped my keys…
ELMO: Well, pick it up!
EMMETT (grabbing the keys): Whaddya
think I’m doin’? (He sits down in one of the chairs outside the shop)
ELMO: Stiff, huh?
EMMETT: No, I ain’t stiff…maybe I
caught a little cold in my joints…
ELMO (skeptical): Yeah…well, the
reason why I come over is because you’ve been badmouthin’ my bike! Tellin’ people the chain was no good!
EMMETT: I said it was slippin’!
ELMO: It was no such thing! I checked it out before I sold it to ya! If…if anybody’s chain is slippin’, it’s yours!
EMMETT: Oh, is that so?
ELMO: Look at ya…you’re so sore and
stiff you can barely stand it!
EMMETT: Look…it’s only natural the
first time out is a time to loosen up!
But you watch…I’ll be in perfect shape for that ride next Saturday!
Emmett struggles to get up out of the chair, and Elmo walks
off with a “whatcha gonna do” look on his face.
The scene then shifts to the following Saturday, as Sam helps Emmett
adjust his accoutrements (his backpack)…
GOOBER: You ain’t gonna hang back today, are ya?
EMMETT: Look—as long as this chain
holds out, you don’t have to worry about me!
Come on, Red Devils—let’s go!
Wow! It was just like
being back in high school for a second there.
“Well…all we can do is keep our fingers crossed,” laments Howard as the
four of them race off for another excursion.
Another dissolve finds Howard, Sam and Goober riding along a country
road, the three of them looking behind their shoulders periodically to see if
Emmett is still behind them. And as it
turns out, he is…far behind
them. He’s parked by the side of the
road with one shoe off when a truck carrying several bales of hay rides by and
honks the horn in recognition. Then
Emmett gets an idea—he hollers after the truck, and when it stops…
…I believe this is how Rosie Ruiz won the female category in the Boston Marathon in 1980. The scene then shifts to Howard, Goober and Sam still pedaling down that same road…only they’re passed by the very same truck that now can claim Emmett as a passenger! So when the three of them decide to take a lunch break…
EMMETT: I expected you guys a lot sooner than this! What took you so long? (Holds up a sandwich) Martha made chicken salad this week!
GOOBER (as he, Sam and Howard walk
their bikes over): Well, how did you get here?
EMMETT: Same as you…
HOWARD: But we were ahead of you!
EMMETT: Oh…well…uh…you know
that…uh…little side road about a mile out of town? I took that…it ain’t any shorter, but it’s a
better road, I guess…I really made time!
SAM: You sure did…
EMMETT: Well, are you guys just
gonna stand there, or are you gonna sit down and have some lunch?
So the four them have their nosh, and after they’re finished
it’s time to get back on the road. But
Emmett won’t be joining them, because he has a feeling that darn chain is going
to start slipping again. “If I don’t
catch up with ya, I’ll see ya back in town,” he tells his chums.
SAM: Uh…you…uh…planning on taking
that side road again?
EMMETT: Yeah…I might just do that…I
can concentrate better on my ridin’ when I’m alone…
“…and in the back of someone’s truck.” Because as you may have already guessed,
Emmett resorts to the same chicanery on the way back…only this time, Sam, Howard
and Goober spot Emmett’s bike in the back of another vehicle.
HOWARD: Well…it’s obvious by now
that Emmett isn’t up to our weekly rides…it’s too strenuous for him…
GOOBER: Yeah, I guess it is hard
for him passing that bike of his in and
out of them trucks…
Another laugh-out-loud moment.
SAM: Yeah…his pride got him into
this thing and now his pride won’t let him back out…
MILLIE: Well, i-i-it is a club…I
mean, maybe you could find a rule so that he could get out of the…club gracefully…
GOOBER: Yeah! Yeah!
Maybe we could tell him that we passed some new bylaws…like an “Old
Goat” amendment or somethin’…
And it’s Goober with the LOL hat trick!
HOWARD: Come on, Goober—this is serious…
SAM: We can’t pass any new laws…but
we are gonna have to be firm…now he can’t go on any more of these outings and
we’re gonna have to tell him so tomorrow…
HOWARD: Yeah, you’re right,
Sam…we’re gonna have to tell him the truth…put it on the basis that it isn’t
good for him!
SAM: Of course it isn’t! If only Emmett had the good sense to realize
that for himself…
Well, fortunately for the other Red Devils, an embarrassing intervention is going to be avoided because in the next scene, Emmett is observed carrying out his newly-purchased bike (under cover, as you can see) to his trusty DeSoto, parked at the curb. Another scene shift finds Goober talking with Sam at his gas station (Goober’s, of course, not Sam’s), with the Goob asking Sam if he’s “kicked Emmett out of the Red Devils yet.” As Sam patiently explains to his friend that they’re not “kicking him out” Howard breathlessly runs up to where the two of them are seated (I guess Mike the Idiot Boy is in charge of the farm today).
SAM: What? What?
HOWARD: A strange thing just
happened…I got a call from the bicycle shop over at Mt. Pilot…you know, I-I-I
issue all the bike licenses in the county…well, they called to verify the
registration on a second-hand bike they bought…and when I checked the files…guess who they purchased it from? None other than Emmett Clark!
Dun dun DUN!!!
GOOBER: No foolin’…?
HOWARD: Yeah…they bought it about
four-thirty yesterday afternoon!
SAM: Well, I’ll be darned…good ol’
Emmett; he finally came to his senses, eh?
HOWARD: I guess he was too ashamed
to sell it back to Elmo…
Well, let’s see…he’s no sooner sold the bike when you go
blabbing about it to everyone in Mayberry…gosh, I can’t possibly grasp the
reason why he didn’t sell the bike to someone in town! Goober spots Emmett shambling up to the gas
station, and so everyone immediately pretends they know nothing about the bike
(which in Goober’s case, won’t be too hard to do).
SAM: Bad luck?
EMMETT: The worst…my beautiful racing bike was stolen…
Unpossible!!! Yes,
Emmett eases out of his commitment to the Red Devils Bicycle Club by spinning a
tale of pure bullsh*t, tragically relating how his precious bike was stolen in
the dark of night by two desperate bike-thieving desperadoes.
EMMETT: I heard a noise about three o’clock …it was pitch-black outside…I quietly raised my bedroom
window…
“…after dismounting my good lady wife…”
EMMETT: …and looked out…but before
I could make an outcry, my beautiful racing bike was stolen by two armed desperadoes…
GOOBER: Well, if it was pitch-black
how do you know it was two
desperadoes?
(Howard nudges him in the ribs)
EMMETT: Oh, they usually work in pairs…
SAM: Yeah, that’s true…that’s true…
HOWARD: Yeah…
Emmett pleads poverty, and complains that he can’t afford
another bike…so he’s dropping out of the bicycle club and will return the
jersey at the first opportune moment.
Howard’s philosophical “Que sera, sera and all that” prompts a “What?”
from Goober…and of course, Howard never quite learns that Goober needs to
master the English language before
moving on to others. (Actually, I
thought this was kind of funny considering that it can be interpreted as an
in-joke: The Doris Day Show, whose theme song was Que Sera, Sera, followed R.F.D. on Monday nights during the
1970-71 TV season.) He says his proper
goodbyes to his bicycling compadres, and wistfully remarks: “The thing that
really gets me down is that next Saturday I was gonna suggest we take a
fifty-mile ride.”
With his friends allowing him to save face, Goober suddenly
remembers once Emmett has left that he’s what passes for law enforcement in
that town. “Maybe I’d better get on the
ball and put out a bulletin for those two desperadoes.” Oh, my aching sides.
Well, things don’t improve with the coda—Goober and Howard
are revved up for another Saturday of championship bicycling, but are
discussing between the two of them the fact that Sam has begged out because
he’s taking Millie up to Myers’ Lake for a picnic. It seems that the day marks the anniversary
of the day he first met Millie (the number isn’t specified, and probably
because that “anniversary” seems a bit suspect) but Goob and Howard have no
time for such frivolities—they have to search for America ,
and touch Indians. And then they see Sam
and Millie ride by…
…on a tandem bike. Sam is holding another box of cream puffs by the string because as Millie says, “We don’t want those cream puffs to get smashed.” Honestly, I don’t know how they keep it so fresh (and I don’t mean the cream puffs).
No sign of Cousin Alice (Alice Ghostley) this week, so Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented
Alice-o-Meter™ stalls at four appearances for the sitcom’s final season. You may recall that when the character was
introduced in “The New Housekeeper,” I mused as to whether or not those members
of the cast not mentioned in the opening credits (the only actors afforded that
honor besides Ghostley were Ken Berry, George Lindsey and the departed Frances
Bavier) were kind of pissed about Ghostley’s credits coup. I suspect there had to be some blowback about
this because with “The Bicycle Club” we get this before the closing credits:
I noticed that Buddy Foster is depicted in his bedroom—his participation was kind of minimal in this one, which would hint to me that an extended scene featuring him might have been snipped for syndication.
Also, too: with “The Bicycle Club,” we bid drugstore proprietor
Elmo Halpert a fare-thee-well; the episode marks his seventh and final
appearance on Mayberry R.F.D. Though
he may have only been a minor presence in Mayberry (actor Vince Barnett also
played “Elmo” in three TAGS episodes) he was one of my
favorites; veteran character actor Barnett appeared in three more
movies—including the Jonathan Demme-directed Crazy Mama (1975)—before his death in 1977. Next week on Mayberry Mondays:
disturbing revelations about our beloved “Fishface” in an episode entitled “Mike’s
Project.”
3 comments:
I don’t believe it! That sonuvabitch fixed something for the second week in a row!
Bike riding on bicycles. What'll they think of next?
Far be it for me to tell writers what to write, but surely something -- SOMETHING -- better than that cream puff gag could have been conjured up. Ah, but I ask too much from Mayberry RFD.
No kidding, Stacia. Jerry Seinfeld used to joke that his show was about nothing, yet that did not stand in the way of its being funny or entertaining.
But the sheer banality of the MRFD ep was stunning, and the TV Guide capsule at the ep's first run must have been slightly bewildering, something like:
"The boys all get bikes, but Emmett lags behind on rides."
Hilarity, needless to say, fails to ensue. It's not gentle humor, mind you-- this is comatose humor.
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