But since I already sent in the rent check for April, I will
bravely press on with the beginning of “Mike’s Car”—which sort of made me laugh
at the beginning with this establishing shot:
“Hidy-hi there, friends and neighbors—come on down to Mount Pilot Motors! Just take the exit ramp and follow the signs for four miles…then pull into that Sunoco there on your left and ask the attendant ‘Where the hell am I, anyway?’” We find Mayberry’s favorite faux farmer waiting on a new hubcap for his truck, and to pass the time, his doofus son sits at the wheel of a bitchin’ convertible pretending he’s Tod Stiles.
I was kind of hoping Sam would experience a psychotic
episode similar to George Bailey (James Stewart) in It’s a Wonderful Life when his kid resorts to that same
gambit. Alas, I’m simply not that lucky.
“Hidy-hi there, neighbor!
What do I have to do to put you and your idiot son behind the wheel of
this little baby right here?” Mike,
ambitious if stupid, tells his father that he’s been dreaming all his life to
own a car of that kind and Sam replies that there’s no reason why he can’t make
that dream come true when he grows up.
Then Mike hits upon a devastatingly brilliant idea:
“Plowing his fields”…you are one funny dude, Farmer Jones. After giving Mike the standard
“work-hard-and-save-your-money” lecture, Mike instead falls in with a bad crowd
and steals a car, thereby winding up in juvy.
No…half a tick—that’s from a never-telecast Afterschool Special, “Born
Ignorant.” Instead, there’s a scene
change to the Mayberry City Council office, in which fix-it savant Emmett Clark
(Paul Hartman) enters, carrying a table fan.
EMMETT: Brought your fan back…just a loose wire…
Loose wire. This is
what is known in the sitcom biz as “foreshadowing.”
EMMETT: Heh…no charge…
EMMETT: That fan belong to the
town?
EMMETT: Then that’ll be two-fifty…
EMMETT: Well, they gouge me enough
for taxes—I got a right to gouge them back…
Ah, life in the Red States.
At this point in the conversation, Mike bursts into the council office
to excitedly tell his father he’s got a part-time job…working at the
establishment owned by the town’s idiot-in-residence, Goober Pyle (George
Lindsey)! (Yeah, all of you thought I
was just being mean, cracking all those jokes about the kid having no future beyond
being a gas pump jockey—well, who’s the nutcase now, Ray? Who’s the nutcase now?)
“With your scholastic aptitude and lack of formal learning? It’s testing products, right?”
“Pa, I’m already flunking three classes as it is—why would
that matter?” Okay, he doesn’t really
say that…but he does tell Sam that he can do that at night and wants to know
what Sam’s verdict is. So here’s the
kicker: Sam looks at Emmett, and Emmett gives
him a nod of approval. Knowing what
he knows about Emmett and his history of idiocy and breathtakingly bad judgment
in matters of marriage (and other things); Sam agrees to let Mike take the gig on
Emmett’s say-so.
EMMETT: You know…I’ll never forget my first car…
“I hope you’re not starting at Goober’s this afternoon,
son…because we’re going to be here a spell…”
EMMETT: …the only Hupmobile in Chatham County
Now, I know Emmett is referring to the Chatham County in
North Carolina…but I laughed out loud at this because as many of you are well
aware, I lived in Savannah, Georgia (in the Peach State’s Chatham County) for
many years—an area derisively referred to by many (and rightfully so, to be
honest) as “The State of Chatham.”
“Fifty cents an hour and all the motor oil I can drink!”
“I knew that
wasn’t tobacco growing in that area by the rutabagas…and I should never have
put it in my pipe.” As you’ve probably
surmised, Sam is quite proud of the fruit of his loins for taking on
responsibility, and even curmudgeonly Emmett is pleased. “You can never go wrong, son, if you save
your money…and keep your hair short,” the fix-it contributes sagely. (“Oh, never play cards with a man named
‘Doc’…never eat at a place called ‘Mom’s’…and never sleep with a woman
who…well, that one you won’t have to
worry about.”)
So in the next scene, we find Mike hard at work at Goober’s Gas ‘n’ Lube. The Goobster is frustrated because he’s unable to figure out why a customer’s car no longer starts after he has completed a lube job, and Mike helpfully points out that it might be because “the key’s not on.” (This is a quaint reference to those halcyon days when the ignition switch was a separate part of an automobile.) Goober the Manchild does not take kindly to being upstaged by a junior version of himself, and snippily instructs Mike to take a tire propped up against a car to a pile near another part of the service station. (Goober then tries the ignition switch key and the car roars to life, producing small chuckles from less discriminating viewers.)
While retrieving the tire, Mike falls in love for the first time in his life: with a beat-up convertible that Goober obtained in a tire trade…but which he has never got around to repairing. Yes, you are probably thinking the same thing I did—if he spent less time jawing with Sam, Emmett and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson, who’s MIA from this episode) he might have the luxury of being able to devote more time to these projects. Mike eagerly asks Goober if a day might come when the car could be restored to its former glory, to which the only mechanic that county has replies: “Yeah…in time.”
Mike’s fascination with the dilapidated jalopy is crosscut
with a couple of scenes in which his father can’t stop bragging about his son’s
newfound sense of responsibility: first to Emmett, which really doesn’t matter
much since he’s a jackass, and then to Cousin Alice Cooper (Alice Ghostley), to whom
he reveals that he’s promised Mike he will match whatever amount of money the
kid finally puts toward his dream of owning his own set of wheels. Do I need to go any further with where this
plot is headed?
GOOBER: …thirteen…fourteen…fifteen dollars…first week’s salary…
Technically, I didn’t need to transcribe that above line of
dialogue—but I was sort of impressed
that Goober can count to fifteen.
GOOBER: Oh, I don’t know…thirty
dollars maybe…
And with a “Goob…can I talk to you a minute?” the cha-ching
of a cash register can be faintly heard on the soundtrack…and this is what
awaits Laird Samuel when he returns home to stately Jones Farm.
Sam doesn’t understand why Mike needs a car since he’s only
thirteen years old, so his idiot son tells him that he can work on the vehicle
until such a time comes. Mike then tells
his dad he’s off to see his chums until Sam reminds him he’s got to go to
work. Au contraire, mon pere, Mike tells
him—he’s got his car…so he quit! And as
Sam begins to reconsider if letting Mike eat paint chips as a child was a good
idea in hindsight, he walks over to the passenger side and pulls on the door
handle…which comes off in his hands. Cue
the sad trombone!
“Sam…do you know how many people in this town who are not
only dumber than I am but have money
burning a hole in their pocket? What
else was I supposed to do?”
GOOBER (under his breath): It was
just a lucky break…
GOOBER: I might not have another
bargain like that for a year…
GOOBER: It won’t run…
GOOBER: I guarantee it! I’ve been workin’ on it for a week… (He
suddenly realizes he’s said something stupid, which is a rare occurrence for
him) Well…I mean…let’s face it, Sam—some cars are just dogs, no matter how
much…talent you put into ‘em…
GOOBER: Tinker with it! Take it apart…put it back together…
GOOBER: He’s gotta start sometime…
And there you have it.
The die has been cast. Even
Goober, a man of very little brain, has read the tea leaves and knows that Mike
is destined to have grease under his fingernails for the rest of eternity.
GOOBER: …it’ll be a good education
for him! How do you think I got where I
am today?
Send your answers to igsjrotr(at)gmail(dot)com. The funniest response will probably make iced
tea come out my nose.
Singular, not plural.
(Yes, Mr. Leal, I went there.)
GOOBER: Yeah, well, he showed a lot
of promise around here…the other day I let him help me adjust a carburetor…he
took right to it, didn’t drop the hammer
or nothin’…
I wasn’t aware Goober mentored under Emmett.
GOOBER: You owe me seventeen
dollars…
GOOBER: It’s two dollars more for
changin’ the registration…
GOOBER: It hasn’t even got a battery, Sam! It’s what we in the used car business call “a pusher”…
So Sam reluctantly pays for the car. In a scene dissolve, we find young Mike by
his set of wheels, tinkering under the hood and grimy as all get out. Enter the man whom his mother said was his
father, and that’s good enough for him.
Into this figurative Garden of Eden ride a couple of snakes
on bicycles…and it is with their arrival that I must issue a correction here on
the blog. One of the characters that appeared
on Mayberry
R.F.D. on a semi-regular basis was Mike’s friend Harold Henderson,
played by former child actor Richard Steele…whom was once confused by the (always
reliable) IMDb for a boxer-thespian with the same name (which is why we
humorously referred to him here as a “child pugilist”) and christened with the
nickname “Fishface” by TDOY supporter
and guest reviewer Phil Schweier (who remembered Steele from a recurring role
on the 1968-71 sitcom Julia). The Harold character started out as a rather
bland sidekick for young Mike but in later episodes morphed into somebody whose
pure dagnasty evil antics frequently got the younger Jones into trouble.
As to why the R.F.D. people chose not to use the
actor that usually plays Harold…well, that’s a question I cannot answer. But it does sadden me to see this imposter
taking on the role, particularly when what transpires is a real dick move that
would have been so in keeping with the groundwork “Fishface” set down for the
series. Harold and Denny put on their
best Eddie Haskell demeanors while greeting Sam and Mike, and then when Sam has
to go into town “to pick up Cousin Alice” the shivs come out.
DENNY (looking at the windshield):
Hey, look at this…it isn’t even his
car…it says on the registration “Sam Jones”…
HAROLD: It’s great! (Reacting to a look from Denny) I
mean…well…it’s okay…we got a better
car!
DENNY: Yeah…who wants a bunch of
junk like this?
That “bunch of junk,” my young unemployable, cost thirty-two
dollars…and I’ll thank you to get your grimy elbows off of it. Still, we won’t need a group of MIT grad
students to determine where this is headed…
DENNY: They got better cars at the dump…
HAROLD: Betcha you don’t even know
how to drive it!
You know, Mike…if you’re going to trash talk in front of
your friends, you might want to put a little more confidence into it.
DENNY: Boy—how stupid can you
get? Spending money on a car you can’t
even drive…
Mike…you really
suck at this.
HAROLD: Will it run?
DENNY: Aw, I bet it won’t even start…
DENNY: Prove it!
HAROLD: There’s a battery in your
Pa’s tractor…that would work…
DENNY: Yeah!
Mike, I think it’s time to disassociate yourself from these
rough boys…tell them they will have to go home and that you’re not allowed to
play with them anymore.
DENNY: Why not…?
HAROLD: ‘Cause he’s chicken…
HAROLD: He’s chicken and his dumb
car won’t work!
DENNY: Then let’s get the tractor
battery and find out!
HAROLD: Where it always is…right
there in the barn…
“It’s that vehicle covered with all the cobwebs…” Mike is still not on board with this swiping
the battery thing…so when Denny and Harold decide to mosey off to tell Mike’s
other friends (and really—if these two jamokes are representative of the
company that kid keeps, no wonder he’s a loser) that he’s made a bad automobile
purchase Mike asks them: “Aren’t you going to give me a hand with the battery?”
We don’t learn the consequences of The Great Junker Car
Experiment until after we return from a commercial break, and by that time Mike
has upped the ante on his adolescent mischief by hooking up the tractor battery
to his new ride. He tries to start it
up, but nothing happens…producing much jeering from his j.d. buddies. “This must be the quietest motor in town,”
cracks Denny, that well-honed wit.
Mike quickly surmises that the trouble is that one of the car’s wires “isn’t supposed to touch the metal”…so making that adjustment, he cranks ‘er up again and vee-ola! The car is purring like a contented cat!
DENNY: Let’s drive it!
HAROLD: Yeah!
HAROLD: Couldn’t we just go around
the yard?
HAROLD: Don’t you wanna drive it?
DENNY: Just go two feet…just two feet…prove it will move!
HAROLD: How much is that gonna
hurt?
DENNY: Come on, Mike…
Didn’t I tell you kids to go home! Go away, you wild boys, you! So Mike applies some gas, and the car goes
zipping around Jones Acres.
Unfortunately, he is not able to apply some brake (I guess Goober was
telling the truth about that heap), and so he plows into the mailbox…
…and eventually gets the car to stop by maneuvering it into a ditch.
DENNY: You were right, Mike…it runs…I’ll see you around…
HAROLD: Yeah…me, too…
DENNY: I just remembered some homework I gotta do!
HAROLD: I think my Mom’s calling
me…
DENNY: If anybody asks…we weren’t
even here…
Oh, those are great friends of yours, Mike. Well, maybe you can take some solace in the
knowledge that they’ll be the most popular of the new fish when they check into
the juvenile detention center. So Mike
finds a way into town (the longest and saddest bike ride in history, no doubt)
and enters the council office to tell his father the news in a scenario that,
as much as I have ragged on Mike in the past, is not unlike the many times when
I had to tell my dad about something I royally screwed up.
Every episode…one laugh-out-loud moment.
Ah, I’m misty with nostalgia just thinking about how much
this reminds me of similar situations with my dad…though there is a slight
difference in that I generally ended up coming to about eighteen hours later
with no memory as to what happened before.
He’s kind of got a point, Samuel. You should know by now that leaving that kid
by his lonesome is an invitation to trouble.
Remember last time, when he forgot to breathe? Be that as it may, Sam’s throttle is stuck in
full parental damage control: “Now you get yourself down there and you make
sure nobody runs into that car! I’m
going to get Goober and the tow truck…and then you and I are going to have a
little talk, young man…”
As Sam marches Mike out of the council office, they almost collide with bakery doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), who’s stopped by for a quickie. “Oh, hi, Mike,” she burbles. “When are you going to take me for a ride in your new car?”
“Never!” shouts
Sam as the two of them head out the door.
Now, I personally feel Sam handled this situation as well as could be
expected—particularly since the network probably would have frowned on footage
of him giving his kid a thrashing…but no, Sam has to go for broke by soliciting
advice from the two childless dinks
in Mayberry:
GOOBER: It could not have started—I checked it all over!
GOOBER: Oh, well—nobody’s perfect…
EMMETT: You gonna spank him, Sam?
GOOBER: Spank him? Didn’t you ever do nothin’ as a kid?
EMMETT: Yeah…and I got walloped for it!
Yes, I am ashamed to admit I laughed out loud at this.
GOOBER: I’m not wallopin’ your kid!!!
I laughed out loud at that, too. No, Sam’s solution is for Goober to get his
tow truck and his deputy sheriff’s uniform.
GOOBER: For what?
EMMETT: You’re gonna give your own
kid a traffic ticket?!!
GOOBER: Why do I have to be the bad guy?
EMMETT: Hey…he’s got a point there,
Goob…
GOOBER: I cain’t do it…I never give
a kid a ticket before…
GOOBER (sighing): All right…but
he’s gonna hate me for it…every kid in town is gonna hate me! They probably…won’t let me umpire their
ballgames anymore…
“Boy—some cop we got,” Emmett editorializes…conveniently
forgetting that he had the opportunity to relieve Goob of that post in “The Caper” and chose not to. There’s a scene
dissolve, and we find Goob surveying the scene of the accident wearing his
deputy sheriff regalia…and I have to tell you, I was sort of disappointed that
he didn’t say something like “There are only two kinds of lawmen, the quick and the dead…”
Goob really puts on a show—he writes Mike up for illegal parking, no brakes, no license plates, destruction of property (mailbox), no rear view mirror, no horn (“That’s a five dollar one right there,” Goob points out) and most importantly—no drivers’ license. Mike starts to wet himself, and worries he’ll be put in jail. His dad assures him that everything will be okay as long as he’s learned a lesson. “Oh, gosh,” Mike mewls. “I’ve learned my lesson all right—I don’t think I could learn it any better going to jail!”
Back at the council office, Millie learns what Sam and
Goober have done and is not at all pleased with Sam’s approach to parental
discipline. Handing him the ticket, she
snarls: “Here’s your ticket…I suppose you’ll want to frame it like you did your
son.”
GOOBER: Hey, don’t do that! You gotta take that into court!
GOOBER: You gotta take it with you
when you go in to see the judge…
GOOBER: Whuh…you didn’t say nothin’
about that! You said write a ticket, and
make it as official as I can…
GOOBER: Well, it ain’t gonna be
that easy…I already mailed a copy in
to the court…
“You mean Mike’s name is coming up before a judge? A real
judge?!!” Sam asks
incredulously. The answer to this is
no—it’s Sam who’ll be bowing and scraping before the magistrate, since he’s the registered owner of the
car. Millie takes perverse delight in
rubbing this in, even at the risk of not getting any farmer lovin’ for the next
week or so. As she tapes the ticket back
together she muses: “There’s one good thing—I work in a bakery; I can always
bring you a cake with a file in it.”
Coda time!
We had a rather abbreviated appearance from Cousin Alice
this week, so it’s only fitting that she’s bringing in a load of wash into the
Jones kitchen as Sam enters from the back door, pulling at his tie.
“…and also that they had better watching their motherf**king
backs…”
Sam asks him about the car, and Mike hands him an envelope
as he tells him he sold the Mikemobile back to Goober. Sam notices that Mike has given him the
entire amount of money they paid for the car, and Mike says he did that because
he thought it might make up for the trouble he caused, as he’s realized how
tough it is to be a parent. (In other
words, he’s kissing ass.)
4 comments:
Goober: How do you think I got where I am today?
Pharmaceutical trials?
Thanks, Ivan, for that; I was jonesing pretty heavily. I want my Mayberry Monday!
An episode without Howard is like a PBJ sandwich with just the white bread.
Richn
“Fifty cents an hour and all the motor oil I can drink!”
HA!
Enter the man whom his mother said was his father
Double ha! Still, the penchant for stupid ideas (farming without talent, buying a fixer upper without knowing anything about fixing or upping) does indicate these two come from the same batch o' DNA.
That knocking over a mailbox bit brings back memories. My dad got it in his head one day after I'd been driving for nearly six months that the problem was I couldn't reach the gas pedal, so since this was a 68 Chevy and the seat was already up as far as it would go, he nailed blocks of wood to the pedal. Didn't tell me about it. Found out when I had to go pick up my friend Todd for band practice, and because I couldn't drive very well because BLOCKS OF WOOD, I ran right into his family's mailbox.
It is humiliating. Mike doesn't even have the common sense to hide in shame for a week after L'Affaire d'Mailbox.
Also, my parents turned me in for skipping out of a half-hour study hall in high school (I went to the library instead - I'm such a delinquent) but they did not get any sort of comeuppance.
product placement Sanka
Delicious.
I can't resist a personal shoutout (and I still think it was actually more refined than the previous terminology).
Also, I love the shoutout to TAGS' "Goodbye, Sheriff Taylor" and Goob's formal training by the one and only Deputy Emeritus Fife.
Also, yikes, you're right. I try to avoid personal remarks, but I got a good look at the screengrab of the aging Mike (specifically car16, where are you).
The even sadder thing is I realized there was a similar plot on a Waterman-era (I believe) episode of "The Great Gildersleeve" with Leroy, only of course it was much funnier and more intelligent.
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