We’re back—did you miss us?
Of course you did!
It’s
Doris Freaking
Day(s)!
And there are big
doin’s in this week’s episode, which starts off with a bath for Nelson the
Purloined Pooch (Lord Nelson), administered by none other than the Widder
Martin (Doris) and her father, laird and master of Rancho Webb-o, Buck Webb
(Denver Pyle).
Their topic of conversation
as they rid Nels of his flea and tick problem is how to approach a committee chaired
by Doris with the idea of a community center for Cotina.
DORIS: Look…if there’s any possible
chance of getting a community center built we have to take it! Now I mean it! Look at all the letters we’ve been
getting…from that cattlemen’s convention…and that touring theatre guild
and…and…what was it? The Philharmonic
concert…
BUCK: Sure, sure…
DORIS: They all want to come here!
At the risk of giving anything away—though the title of this
episode is pretty much a spoiler warning in itself—why any of these mildly important
groups would want to visit a town with little else but a “Pizza Pagoda” should
be a tip off that something’s not quite kosher.
(Foreshadowing!)
DORIS: …that’s exactly why I want
to listen to what this Mr. Flanders has to say…
Ned Flanders? Okely
dokely do!
BUCK: Doris…now wait a minute…it’s
a matter of money…now that committee
of yours is not about to spend a dollar unless they can see five dollars coming back…
I see the GOP has made some inroads into Cotina…
DORIS: Well, it’s time for a change…and we’re gonna bloody well do something about it!
Doris!
You watch your
phraseology!
Doris’ faithful domestic,
Juanita (Naomi Stevens), enters the barn to let her mistress know Mr. Flanders
has arrived early…and because Dor feels she looks a fright, she saddles Juanita
with the task of finishing Nelson’s bath while she and Buck go and greet their
guest.
Normally, Juanita is not given
much to do in the comedy department, but I did chuckle at her warning Nelson
not to shake after his wash (“Okay, kid…don’t shake”) and the dog pretty much
deciding he’ll do what he’ll damn well please anyway.
And outside the barn, here’s our special guest this
week—Joseph Campanella!
(Joe is still
with us, by the way, having celebrated his 89th birthday last November
21.)
As I hinted last week, I grew up
remembering Campanella for his recurring role as Ed Cooper, the ex-husband of
Ann Romano (Bonnie Franklin) on the long-running sitcom
One Day at a Time (and
I’m not surprised she divorced him—he was a jerk)…but he also had stints on the
first season of
Mannix (as Lew Wickersham, the head of Intertect), the
“Lawyers” segment of the rotation series
The Bold Ones (1969-72), the first
season of the short-lived
Dynasty spin-off,
The
Colbys (as Hutch Corrigan) and roles in such daytime dramas as
Days
of Our Lives and
The Bold and the Beautiful.
You could probably place a bet that you could
randomly turn on your TV set to an old series and stand a pretty good chance
he’s guest-starring in the episode—that’s how long his boob tube resume is.
By the way, I should warn ya—this Roger B. Flanders guy is
slicker than whale sh*t on an ice flow.
DORIS: Excuse the way we’re dressed…
BUCK: Yeah, we were just washing
the dog…
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
FLANDERS: Well, I know what that
entails…hey—this is a fantastic spread you have here…I couldn’t help admiring
your cattle on the way in…
“In fact, if I were still in my former line of work I’d
probably rustle a few…” Doris and Buck
exchange a little more boring small talk with their new friend, and Dor invites
him in for a cold drink. Flanders asks
Buck to help him carry a large item into the house—and reveals it to be this…
FLANDERS: The architectural design
is ideally suited for small towns…and can easily serve as a combined community
center… (Lifting the lid) A theater in the round…concert auditorium…convention
hall…
“Abattoir…”
FLANDERS: …well, you name it…
DORIS (gasping): That’s an
ingenious plan, isn’t it?
BUCK: It sure is…
DORIS: Did you design that, Mr.
Flanders?
FLANDERS: Yes, I did…
“Yes…I am
awesome…”
BUCK: Boy…Cotina has been needin’
somethin’ like this for a long time…
DORIS (sipping some lemonade): You
said it…
BUCK: Can’t you just see that
sittin’ down there in the square?
“Right by the Tastee-Freeze?”
FLANDERS: Well, it’s possible…it’s
been done before…
DORIS: You don’t know my committee…
BUCK: They’re a little slow…
“Precisely the reason why I’m here!” Doris also points out that the membership is
a bit conservative, while Buck suggests “penny-pinching” might be a better turn
of phrase. Flanders counters that he has
a great deal of experience fleecing the rubes persuading closed minds,
and he’d like the opportunity to discuss it with them. And with a simple dissolve, Doris makes it
happen.
As Doris calls the meeting to order, I thought we’d
introduce a few familiar character faces in her committee…
…you can’t see the gentleman in the back too well, but he’s
billed as “Councilman”—and has appeared on the program before in a brief bit as
a painter at the end of the episode
“The
Relatives.” Give it up for Bard
Stevens, everyone!
To his left (our
right) is Dodie Warren as “Committeewoman #3”—Warren’s acting credits,
according to the (always reliable) IMDb, include such films as
Divorce American Style (1967) and
Maryjane (1968); the IMDb also reveals
(if we are to believe their insistence on comprehensive accuracy) that she
later became a makeup artist, working on such sitcoms as
Amen and
Night
Court.
In the foreground on the left, in the role of
“Committeewoman #2,” is Evelyn King—whose IMDb resume includes classic film
favorites such as
A Guide for the
Married Man (1967) and
Scream,
Evelyn, Scream! (1970)…in which she does, in fact, play a character named
Evelyn.
That leaves Committeewoman #1 on
the right…but actress-show dialogue coach Kay Stewart really should have been
billed as “Verna McIntosh-Carpenter” because she’s reprising the same role—the
manicurist who marries Buck’s BFF Doc Carpenter (Walter Sande)—she played in
the earlier
“Buck’s
Girl.”
They don’t acknowledge it as such in the credits—but if you listen closely
in a scene at the end of “The Con Man,” you’ll hear Buck say “Say hello to
Doc.”
On the other couch, starting at the left is actor James Milhollin,
one of those oh-so-familiar TV faces even when you can’t quite come up with his
name.
Around Castle Yesteryear, he’s
best remembered as the haughty department store supervisor in the classic
Twilight
Zone episode “The After Hours”…but his movie resume includes such
favorites as
No Time for Sergeants
(1958),
Zotz! (1962) and
The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1965).
Milhollin answers to “Horace Burkhart” in
this Dodo episode.
In the middle, in the role of crotchety Jed Anslinger, is
character veteran Peter Brocco—Brocco made the guest star rounds of a number of
television favorites (I’ve seen him as a waiter in a few Burns & Allen repeats)
and played any number of small parts in classic movies such as The Reckless Moment (1949), Champagne for Caesar (1950) and His Kind of Woman (1951). (By the oddest of coinky-dinks, I caught him
as a wino in 1950’s The Killer That
Stalked New York the other day.)
The lady to Brocco’s left is a far more familiar television
face; that’s Madge Blake, whose boob tube immortality was cemented playing
“Aunt Harriet Cooper” on the TV version of Batman (1966-68). She also played Flora MacMichael, sister to
George (Andy Clyde) on The Real McCoys (the MacMichaels
were the McCoys’ neighbors); and the smothery, overprotective Margaret Mondello
(mother of Beaver Cleaver chum Larry) on Leave it to Beaver. (This Doris Day Show appearance as “Mrs.
Harty,” if the IMDb is to be believed, was Blake’s second-to-last show bidness
gig.)
Now that the introductions are out of the way, leave us
return to the action of this mesmerizing episode!
DORIS: First, I’d like to tell you
the reason for calling the meeting…we’re here to talk about building…a Cotina
community center…
Dun-dun-DUN!!! Dor’s
announcement predictably starts a lot of shocked conversations between the
various committee members.
ANSLINGER: Now look, Doris—you know
there’s not enough money in the treasury to throw away on a fool idea like a community center…
DORIS: Jed…would you please give me
a chance to talk to you about this?
BURKHART: What’s wrong with my meeting hall? It’s been good enough for twenty years…
VERNA: That’s why it’s time we had
a new one, Horace…
HARTY: And I gave up a bridge game for this…
Doris bangs her gavel, realizing that there are too many petty
personal agendas for her to be heard above the din…so she turns things over to
Flanders, who delivers a pitch so spellbinding you’d think Cotina has just
added a pool table in town.
(Little
Music Man reference for those of you
still with us.)
FLANDERS: Mr. Anslinger probably
feels that this is just some kind of moneymaking scheme that I’m trying to
foist on all of you…well, you know something?
He’s right—I intend to make
money from this project…for preparing the plans, and supervising the building…I
expect to be well-paid…however…Cotina will also profit…and to a much greater
extent…I feel that no community, no matter how large or small, can afford to
overlook a chance to bring in greatly increased revenues that will benefit all…
Flanders then starts reeling in the rubes by showing them
his little community center dollhouse and bragging about its multi-purposed
capacity…something that Burkhart isn’t too wild about, since he’s concerned
about the competition it will afford his meeting hall.
Two of the committeewomen have no problem
with this (“You’ve been getting away with murder for years,” chimes Number 3)
but the super salesman reassures Horace with some b.s. that he’ll continue to
do just fine since competition is necessary for a free market, and he’s sure to
make money from the overflow (those individuals who couldn’t book the center
because it’s so freakin’ full).
“We’ve
already gotten offers in the mail,” volunteers Doris, because there is a
multitude of theater guilds and philharmonic concerts who are going to commit
hari-kari if they don’t get the chance to perform in beautiful downtown
Cotina.
Now let’s talk money.
DORIS: How much is all this going
to cost?
ANSLINGER: That’s right, Mr. Flanders…thank you, Doris…
FLANDERS: Yes…thank you…we can’t
forget the cost…I can build this particular model for you for $210,000…
Wellllll…goodbye!
“Why—there isn’t that much money in the town treasury!” sputters
Anslinger, after the paramedics have restarted his heart. Oh, Jeddy…you don’t think Flanders would try
to sell you this white elephant without a comprehensive plan, do you?
FLANDERS: A special building fund
drive has brought immediate results every time…
BUCK: But what do you mean—a
building fund drive?
FLANDERS: Let me show you how other
towns have raised their money…
Flanders whips out his briefcase, and upon opening it pulls
out a gold plaque—anyone who contributes a C-note to this boondoggle will have
his or her name put on this plaque, which will be placed in the lobby of the
center to show their friends and neighbors that they were willing to pony up
for charity while they were hoarding their funds in that upstairs mattress of
theirs.
A fifty-dollar contribution will
get them a silver nameplate—and a $25 ante a bronze one—which will be attached
to the back of one of the center’s “orchestra seats”…and for the
really tightfisted, any contribution
will earn them a mention in the “honor roll” of every printed program.
“That’s a good idea!” marvels Buck.
There is noticeable hubbub from all assembled
that they agree with Mr. Webb—a snatch of conversation is heard along the lines
of “That will be wonderful for the children.”
(For God’s sake—won’t
someone
think of the children?!!)
FLANDERS: Now I can’t believe that
Cotina doesn’t have enough public-spirited citizens to raise enough money this
way to build your community center!
Beeeeelieve it! No,
seriously—Doris comforts Flanders with the knowledge that the populace of
Cotina is civic-minded enough to go along with this, never mind the results of
the last SPLOST referendum.
DORIS: Look, I know it’s a huge
amount—it’s staggering…but he’s going
to show us how to do it…so let’s do it, because I think it’s a fabulous idea! And we’ve just got to have it!
BUCK: Where would we get them
plaques?
FLANDERS: Through a special
arrangement with the manufacturer, I can get them for you…however, I believe I
have enough in the car to get you started…
ANSLINGER: What are they gonna cost us?
FLANDERS: You can have them for
exactly what I paid for them…as my contribution towards us getting this project
off the ground…depending on exactly how many you’ll need, I estimate the cost
will be about two thousand dollars…
Um…they’ll need to pay you two large for those chintzy
plaques—but that will be your “contribution”?
I do not think that word means what you think it means. But all Flanders needs now is to have the net
at the ready so he can yank them into the boat.
He asks Buck if he’s seen the plaque he showed to everyone in his
demonstration…a plaque that happens to have Doris’ name emblazoned on it. (Yeah, he’s got some sort of Jim
Rockford-type of printer in the back of his rental, I’ll bet.) Doris swoons at the sight of the plaque, and
announces that she’ll be the first to donate $100. “Put me down for one, too,” Buck says
eagerly. (Oh, this is like picking money
up off the sidewalk.)
And the meeting ends with all the committee members swarming
around Flanders as they ooh and ahh over the gold plaques.
You know, they could have renamed this burg
“Ravenswood” and I would not have batted an eyelash.
The scene then shifts to the guest room at Rancho Webb—Doris
and Buck are not going to allow their new pal Roger B. Flanders to bed down at
the Cotina Super 8, thank-you-very-much.
FLANDERS: You know…there are some
things you get completely out of touch with living in a big city…like good
old-fashioned country hospitality…
DORIS: I do have an ulterior
motive…
FLANDERS: Whatever it is, I agree…
Doris! You brazen
hussy, you!
DORIS: Well…I thought since you’ll be
spending the weekend with us, Mr. Flanders, that I could maybe talk you into helping with the fundraising campaign…
FLANDERS: In the first place—it’s Roger…please…and it’ll be my pleasure to
help…
DORIS: Will you? Oh, that will be so nice…
Years later, as he sat gently rocking on the porch of the
Cotina Retirement Home, Buck Webb’s thoughts often drifted back to that time
when he still owned the ranch and he sincerely believed that Roger B. Flanders
was his friend. (“He seemed like such a
nice fella…”) Seriously—you people might
want to count the guest towels before this essobee leaves.
Buck suggests that he and Doris make themselves scarce so
that Rog can get situated and that they can later discuss the “campaign” after
dinner—but before she leaves, Doris wants to confirm that the amount of the
certified check the committee will need to issue is twenty-one hundred dollars
(is the $100 Doris’ contribution? I
would think that would be separate, unless it’s for “incidentals”), which
she’ll have for him Monday morning. She
leaves, and as he closes the door he’s careful to lock it before he opens his
briefcase and places a small portable typewriter on the desk. As he begins to type, we hear his thoughts:
FLANDERS: Dear Mr. Mayor…as
president of the Southwest Philharmonic Concert League, I’m writing to you
regarding including your fair city of Jamesburg in our new symphony
series…however…it is necessary to have a community center of sufficient size to
accommodate the large audience…
And fade out to commercial!
(Hokey smoke, cartooners—this is getting exciting!)
Back from selling a little Ralston-Purina, the fundraising
drive for the prospective community center is going like wildcakes, with Doris
having to constantly answer the phone to accept pledges as the evil Flanders jots
down information on a pad.
In fact, she
is viewed after the commercial accepting a phone call from a person identified
as “Nell Collins”; we don’t get to hear the other end of the conversation, but
Nell has appeared on the show before in
“The
Job” (we actually heard her voice then—the lady with the colicky baby) and
the inference here is that she is Cotina’s resident phone operator.
When Doris completes the call, she announces
that Nell has pledged the necessary gitas for one balcony nameplate.
BUCK: Isn’t that nice…she works so hard for her money…
So hard for it, honey.
She works hard for the money so you’d better treat her right. Well, in case you were thinking we might get
through an episode without hearing from Doris’ idiot children, Billy (Philip
Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke)—allow me to disappoint you immensely. The two boys enter the house at top speed,
mewling about the money that they’ve taken from their chums at the playground with
their successful bully concession asking for community center
donations. (On the bright side…we do not
have to put up with the tired shenanigans of ranch hand Leroy B. Semple
Simpson [James Hampton] this week…so cloud, meet silver lining.)
BUCK: Did you get a list of their
names?
BILLY: Yeah!
BUCK: Well, give it to Mr. Flanders
so he can put them on the honor roll…
“And believe me—that’s the
only honor roll those little jamokes will ever be on.”
Billy announces that they might have to check
the spelling on some of them, because morons, but Flanders laughs this off and
announces that he’s got to go by the post office—so why not bribe the little
tykes on the way home with a couple of sodas.
Look at the expression on Toby’s face at this suggestion.
(“I want one with cheese!”)
Doris’ Bill Cosby-like mugging also cracked me up.
FLANDERS: How about you,
Doris—would you join us?
DORIS: Oh, I’d love to—but I have to answer the phone! The money is pouring in!
FLANDERS: Okay…mind the store…
“See if we need any more of those tote bags, too—will
ya?” Flanders also promises to bring
back Dodo some Rocky Road ice cream, and as he heads toward the door with the
kids in tow he’s stopped by Buck.
BUCK: Hey, Roger—when you get to
town…would you mail those for me?
ROGER: Oh, sure… (Looking at the
envelope) Southwest Philharmonic?
BUCK: Oh, yeah—since the campaign
is going so good, I thought we’d let a few people know we’re in business…
I suppose Roger could have given him a big kiss on the
forehead because Buck is such a chump…but that would kind of give the game
away.
(There’s a snicker moment after
Roger leaves with the boys and Buck asks Doris: “How do you spell
‘symphony’?”)
There’s a dissolve, and we
find Doris doing some household chores (that really should fall under the
purview of Juanita) when Billy asks when Mr. Flanders is due back from
town.
She explains that he and “Grandpa”
were supposed to pick up the check at nine (apparently it’s Monday already) and
that because he has to leave “right away” they should be arriving pretty
soon.
This gives Nelson the dog enough
time to enter Flanders’ room and jump up on the bed, knocking Roger’s briefcase
to the floor.
Doris scolds the dog and
starts to pick up the papers.
Cue the
sad trombone!
No, this just
has to be a mistake—so Doris grabs the phone and gets
Donna Summer
Nell Collins on the horn for long distance information.
As we are already aware, the Southwest
Philharmonic Concert League is merely a pigment of Flanders’ imagination
(little shout-out to Leo Gorcey there)…and this is confirmed for Doris’
suspicions.
A dissolve finds our heroine
pacing the kitchen, and becoming angrier by the minute.
She then peers out the window to see Roger
and Buck returning to stately Webb Manor.
Flanders is greeted by Doris’ brood, who ask if they can see
the big honkin’ check he’s getting for fleecing the Cotina townsfolk. Roger proudly shows it to them, and then
announces he has to finish packing so he asks the boys to help. (Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll take
hostages.) So that allows Doris ample
time to explain to her father that they have been flimflammed.
BUCK: What’s wrong?
DORIS: He’s a crook!
BUCK: Who is?
DORIS: Roger B. Flanders, that’s
who!
BUCK: What in tarnation are you
talking about?
DORIS: He’s a phony! A con
man!
Doris shows her dad the faux letterheads for the theatre
guild, etc. that fell out of his briefcase and that she just happened to
stumble across.
“All the outfits that
inquired about coming to Cotina,” ponders Buck.
(Nothin’ gets past you, big guy!)
Doris further explains that in her further inquiries, none of these
organizations exist.
“Then he wrote all
those letters,” continues Buck…or perhaps I should say, Farmer Obvious.
DORIS: You bet he did!
BUCK: Just to get us worked up
about our community center…
DORIS: Oh, that’s the bait—then he
just happens to come into Cotina, get
everybody in a big spin about the center…sell the twenty-one hundred dollars’
worth of plaques that he…probably cost him fifty
bucks…and then he takes off for the next sucker town! What are you laughing at?
BUCK: He’s good…he’s real good…
Buck explains to Doris that he’s channeling his inner
Bogart-as-Sam-Spade because he admires Flanders’ con (you almost expect him to
say: “Hell, I don’t know why we
didn’t think of this”) and while Doris is all set to phone the sheriff, her
father points out that Rog hasn’t done anything illegal.
DORIS: He’s a fraud and he should
be in jail!
BUCK: He sold us $2,100 worth of
plaques and nameplates—and a perfectly
good working plan for a community center…now if we want it, we’ve got to build
it…not him…
DORIS: Now you wait a minute…he
told my committee that he would supervise the construction of that building…
BUCK: You got a contract that says that?
This fall on CBS: Buck—For the Defense! Buck reasons with Doris that they have to take the initiative and get
the construction of the center off the ground after Flanders moves on to the
next burg with his counterfeit spiel.
“This town will fall apart like a two-dollar watch,” Buck intones, and
he convinces that Doris needs to talk to Flanders as opposed to having Cotina
law enforcement administer a proper rousting.
After all, Flanders appears to be a savvy architect—“We know that from
his plans and his model, right?”
“What are we supposed to do?” Doris asks her father. “Let bygones be bygones?”
“No!” Buck returns.
“You don’t let bygones be bygones—you just take that energy and his talent and point it in a
different direction.” (“And
besides…there’ll be plenty of opportunities for tar-and-feathering later…”)
I’ll go ahead and cut to the quick on this.
Flanders is readying to get the hell out of
Cotina…until Doris lets him know that the feline is out of the burlap.
She further shames him—as only Doris can
do—by pointing out that a man of his architectural ability should stick around
and see that such a fine center comes to fruition by supervising its
construction.
(“Not just a model in a
box—but the real thing,” pleads Doris.)
“Suppose I don’t come back?” Roger asks her.
“Then we both lose,” she says quietly.
(Okay, that’s about as far as the “romance”
goes—sorry about misleading you with the teaser last week.)
There is then a dissolve to Buck entering the
kitchen, where he remarks that the committee is turning ugly…and that’s not
much of a turn to start with.
Doris was
positive that Flanders would come back, but now she’s not so certain.
So has Roger let her down?
Of course he has—in the next scene we see
that he’s spent all of the Cotina cash on hookers and blow as he careens wildly
down a deserted highway in his new rental car.
Okay, I’m just kidding—just as Doris is about to announce to
the committee that they’ve been hoodwinked, Roger does return to address all
assembled…he simply had a flat tire, which delayed him. Despite using all her powers of sugary goodness
to reform Flanders, Dor was a little concerned Rog was going to let her
down…but smiling her smiley smile, she announces that their “Chief Architect”
is there to issue the first progress report on the new community center
venture.
The quick coda on this one finds the committee meeting
adjourned and its members slowly filing out of the Webb house.
Nelson, that rapscallion, jumps up on the
sofa and knocks Roger’s briefcase to the floor—prompting Doris to respond “Nelson,
not again!”
That’s when she shares with
Rog how she found out about his disreputable dealings.
Laughing, Flanders promises to build Nelson a
big honkin’ doghouse (which doesn’t make much sense, since the damn dog is
inside most of the time)—but only “after the community center,” as the curtain
falls on our little morality play.
Next time on Doris Day(s): a story with
Mayberryian overtones as Doris is dragooned into supervising the school
play…and our guest star will be a true character veteran best known on TV for
his long-running role as Sheriff Coffee on Bonanza. It’s “The Musical”—be sure to join us!
