Mayberry Mondays #47: “The Sculptor” (03/09/70, prod. no. 0224)

Every now and then on one of the talking head channels, some academic or political pundit will be trotted out to decry how the media depicts rural folk (particularly Southerners like myself) as naïve bumpkins or unsophisticated jaspers.  Thrilling Days of Yesteryear firmly believes that labeling people or tarring them with a broad brush is just plain wrong, and always takes special care to avoid this practice…regardless of whether or not it’s true.

Besides—this week’s edition of Mayberry Mondays is going to do the heavy brushing for us.  The episode starts out with a reference to a previous installment entitled “Millie, the Model”—in which our favorite bakery counter girl, Millicent Swanson (Arlene Golonka), journeys to the Big Apple for the purpose of modeling clothing for an important designer.  Sam, missin’ his gal somethin’ terribul, follows her to New York and is treated by Millie’s new friends as if he still had manure on his shoes…but just when he’s convinced that he’s lost Millie to her new glamorous life, a couple of escort bimbos (one played by Farrah Fawcett) start flirting with him and Millie sticks his ass back on that bus to Raleigh with her faster than you can say “Ernest T. Bass.”

Anyway, let’s raise up the curtain to reveal the humble establishment of Mayberry’s resident fix-it savant, Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman), who as we can see in the above screen cap is working with dangerous power tools…and that does not bode well in the slightest.  Millie walks in, and over the din created by that honkin’ big drill learns that the reason why Emmett asked her boss (the rarely seen Mrs. Boysinger) to send her over is that there is an important piece of mail for her that was delivered to Emmett by mistake.  (Considering the early mail delivery in Mayberry, this doesn’t seem so contrived since the town’s up-at-the-butt-crack-of-dawn postman was probably too bleary-eyed to read the correct address.)

MILLIE: Who could be writing me from New York?

EMMETT: Rex Alexander…

MILLIE: Rex Alexander…

EMMETT: That’s the return address…

MILLIE: Rex Alexander!!!  Oh, my goodness!

EMMETT (under the table): Who’s he?

MILLIE: Oh!  (Opening the letter) Oh, I can’t believe it! 

EMMETT: Can’t believe what?

MILLIE: Oh!

EMMETT (getting to his feet): Can’t believe what, Millie?

MILLIE (reading the letter): Oh, this is fantastic!

EMMETT (walking over to her): What?  What’s fantastic?  What?

MILLIE: Oh…Rex Alexander!

EMMETT: What’s he say?  (He starts to reach for the letter)

MILLIE: I’ve got to go tell Sam!

EMMETT: Yeah…let’s go tell Sam…

Quick cut to the city council office of poor-but-honest dirt farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry):

MILLIE: You remember when I was in New York about six months ago modeling those dresses?

SAM: Yeah…yeah…

MILLIE: And I was being taken to all those cocktail parties and everything…well, I kept bumping into this man named Rex Alexander…

I’ll bet that was painful.

MILLIE: …and he was a very…famous…sculptor…

(Sam gets a puzzled look on his face)

EMMETT (to Millie): Go on, go on…

MILLIE: Well, we had a lot of wonderful talks, and I told him all about Mayberry…and what a delightful place it was, and…well…he’s coming to visit!

SAM: No kiddin’?

MILLIE: Uh-huh…he says the way I described Mayberry to him it sounds just like the place to get away from it all…

If by “it all” you mean “civilization.”

MILLIE (reading): …uh…”place of warmth…of peace and rural tranquility…where I can escape from the grinding pressures of the city”…

EMMETT: What is he—some kind of a bum or somethin’?

Hobo…heal thyself.

MILLIE: Emmett…he’s a famous, famous sculptor…why, he just finished a piece that’s going to be…uh… (Back to the letter) “…in the forecourt of the General Electronics building on Park Avenue…”

SAM: Wow!  He’s really somebody, huh?

MILLIE: Mm-hmm…he wants me to find a place he can rent for a month or so… (Back to the letter) Uh…”some lived-in little house with perhaps a shed or a barn I can use as a studio…”

SAM: Huh…a house with a barn, huh?

You could lend him yours, Sam.  It’s not like you’re using the barn or anything.

EMMETT: Hey, the Murdoch place is for rent…they took off for Delaware Water Gap last week…go live with his mother…

SAM: Yeah…that barn’s in pretty good shape, too—isn’t it?

(Millie and Emmett murmur in agreement)

MILLIE: Oh, yes!  I think the Murdoch place will be just perfect!  I’ll go check on it—see ya!

SAM: Yeah…okay, Mill…

Millie nearly collides with Emmett as she races out of the office, and we then dissolve back to Emmett’s shop, where our heroic fix-it man appears to be destroying an antique chair.  He is soon joined by pedantic country clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson).

HOWARD: Say, is my electric vaporizer ready yet?

EMMETT (stealing a glance at the vaporizer while he continues to muck around with the chair): Oh, that thing?  I had to send away for some parts on that…

HOWARD: How long is it going to be?

EMMETT: Well, if I were you…I wouldn’t figure on any chest colds for another couple of weeks…

Every episode…one guaranteed laugh-out-loud moment.

HOWARD: Well…when you get it…say, did you get an invitation to that tea at Millie’s tomorrow?

EMMETT (back to banging on the chair): Yeah, for that sculptor fella, huh…

HOWARD: She says he’s all settled in the Murdoch place, so she wants him to meet the gang…

EMMETT: Oh?

HOWARD: I’m very anxious to meet him…I understand he has a beard…

That shouldn’t be so unusual for Howard.  He had a beard last week; some girl named Barbara Evans. (Ba-zinga!)

EMMETT: So what?  He starts puttin’ on any airs with me, I’ll cut him right down to size…

HOWARD: I’m sure a man like Rex Alexander doesn’t have to put on any airs for anybody…he has ten major works of art in front of ten buildings all over the country!  New York, Chicago, Detroit…

EMMETT: Well…maybe he ought to keep movin’…

Oh, that Emmett.  We then dissolve to Millie’s “tea,” where sculptor Rex Alexander is being feted with egg salad (he’s offered some by diabolical housekeeper Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor [Frances Bavier]) and other nosh-like items (Howard tells him, “I think you’ll find those deviled hams there pleasing to your palate,” as he hands him a cup of tea).  Rex is played by actor Robert Sampson, a veteran character thesp whom you might remember from the short-lived 1972-73 sitcom Bridget Loves Bernie, in which he played Bridget’s brother, Father Mike Fitzgerald.  (The series, a popular romcom about a Catholic girl who marries a man of the Jewish faith, was axed after one season because people found it offensive.)  Sampson must have been what casting directors thought priests looked like, because he also played men of the cloth in episodes of Ironside and Sarge…though in the case of that last show the main character was a priest, so that’s not at all unusual.

Sampson had a semi-regular role on the 1950s television version of Milton Caniff’s comic strip Steve Canyon (he was the tower operator, Sgt. Walsh) but most of the time did a lot of guest appearances on such shows as Alfred Hitchcock Presents, The Lawless Years, Bonanza, The Big Valley, etc.  (Some of you might remember him as the father of the little girl who vanishes in her room in the Twilight Zone outing “Little Girl Lost.”)  In the 1970s/1980s he would continue on guesting on the likes of Police Story, Quincy, M.E., Dallas, Hill Street Blues and The Colbys—he appeared in several episodes of Falcon Crest as sheriff Turk Tobias.  Among Sampson’s film credits: Look in Any Window, The Broken Land, Hero’s Island, Zig Zag, Mr. Ricco and the cult classic Re-Animator.

HOWARD: Well!  We haven’t had much of a chance to chat…I mean, the introductions there were coming so fast and furious…

REX: Yeah…you’re right…

EMMETT: Are you plannin’ on doin’ any sculptin’ while you’re here?

REX: Well, only if the spirit moves me…

HOWARD: Well, I must admit…I’ve always been a great devotée of sculpture myself…

REX: Have you really?

HOWARD: No talent for it…but…uh…deep appreciation…yeah…I think my favorite work is Rodin’s The Thinker…

REX (smiling): Oh, yeah…

EMMETT: Is that the one where the guy’s sittin’ there naked with his chin in his hand?

No, Emmett…it’s the sculpture Dobie Gillis used to sit beside, contemplating life’s problems on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

HOWARD: Yes, Emmett…

EMMETT: He’s stark naked!

HOWARD: Yes, Emmett…

REX: Uh, Mr. Sprague…um…what’s your function here in Mayberry?

This is going to be rich.

HOWARD: Uh…well…I’m what you might call the…um…keeper of the archives…

EMMETT: Why don’t you answer the man?  (To Rex) He’s the county clerk…pays $92.50 a week…

REX: And how about you, Mr. Clark?  What do you do here?

EMMETT: I run the fix-it shop…anything conks out on ya, bring it in…it’s right on Main Street…

REX: I’ll remember that…thank you…

EMMETT: That’s okay…

REX: Listen…if you don’t mind, I’m going to circulate…I want to talk to as many people as I can…

Translation: “You are sad, strange little men.  And you have my pity.”  As Rex takes his leave of Howard and Emmett, Emmett hollers out at him: “If you’re looking for any action in Mayberry, we bowl every Thursday night!”  Howard reacts to this with his typical Shameface.

With a scene dissolve, sculptor Alexander is being introduced to Sam’s son, Mike the Idiot Boy (Buddy Foster).  The reason for this will be made clear by Aunt Bee, though I strongly suspect the real explanation is that they were hoping the little mook would do some of his tricks to keep the guest of honor amused.

AUNT BEE: We wanted you to meet Mike…because Mike has been doing some wonderful artwork in school…

SAM: Oh!

AUNT BEE: Haven’t you, Mike?

MIKE: Well…I’m okay on horses and cows…but my people never look like people…

AUNT BEE: Oh, Mike…you’re just being modest…your people are just wonderful…particularly since you’ve been making their feet smaller…

MIKE: Can I get a sandwich?

Yeah, it’s only fair you give the kid a goodie after he’s performed.

AUNT BEE: And it’s wonderful the way he does hair now… (Gesturing) He doesn’t have it straight up, he makes it lay down…

A possible foreshadowing of Mike’s future career as head shampoo boy at Irma’s House of Coiffures?

REX: Millie, it’s truly been delightful…now, the place is wonderful…the people are wonderful…it’s like breathing fresh air again…

“Don’t take too deep a breath, Rex…that’s the rendering plant just down the road…”

MILLIE: Oh, I’m so glad you’re enjoying it…

MYRTLE: Goodbye, Millie…

MILLIE: Oh, goodbye, Myrtle…goodbye…

You will, of course, remember Myrtle from the previous episode “The Mayberry Road”—portrayed by veteran character actress Maudie Prickett; Myrtle and several other guests are departing Chez Millie as Millie, Sam and Aunt Bee converse with Rex Alexander at the front door.

MILLIE: Ah…well, I didn’t exaggerate about Mayberry then, did I either?

REX: No…no…it’s everything you said it was…

“And now I understand why you fled to New York.”

AUNT BEE: We were afraid, you coming from New York, you might think we were a little provincial…

If “provincial” is a euphemism for “Hicksville”…then, yes.

REX: Oh, nothing of the sort…just natural…and that’s wonderful…

AUNT BEE: Mr. Alexander…from what I’ve told you of Mike—do you think it’s a talent that should be encouraged?

SAM: Oh, Aunt Bee…

AUNT BEE: Please!  Now…I’ve been working with him regularly, and there’s something I didn’t tell you…he does very nicely with watercolors…and he stays within his outlines…

“We just need to work on keeping him from trying to drink the paint.”

REX: Well…I would say it’s a matter of waiting…to see how he blossoms…

“’Cause I watched that kid try to eat a sandwich…you didn’t do his room in lead paint by any chance—did you?”  Rex has to get back to the old Murdoch place, so he graciously says his goodbyes to Millie, Sam and Aunt Bee.  Upon Rex’s departure, Sam observes: “He really seems to dig Mayberry.”

“Yes…a lovely man,” replies Aunt Bee…in a way that reminds me of a schoolgirl crush.  On his way home, Rex takes a stroll through various Mayberry neighborhoods…and sees sights that one would associate with small-town life…

Kid on a tire swing…

…several Klansmen washing a car…

…old guy raking leaves—why are all these activities taking place at night, I wonder?  Well, all this contemplation on Rex’s part is going to result in an announcement of major proportions…and Millie (along with Rex) runs into the council office to tell Sam all about it:

MILLIE: Sam…you’ve got to stop whatever you doing…Rex has the most exciting news…

SAM: Oh?  What?

REX: Well, I don’t know how exciting it is…

MILLIE: Oh, now…don’t be modest…Rex wants to do a sculpture piece for Mayberry!

SAM: What?

REX: Yeah…something you can put up in your town square…

SAM: Oh…ho…that’d be great, Rex…and I’d know everybody’d like it…but the kind of fees you get?  Oh, we can’t afford…

MILLIE (interrupting): Oh…it’s a gift, Sam!

SAM: A gift?

REX: Yes… (Slight pause) You know, since I’ve been here for a week now…this town has really grown on me…I mean, it’s given me an understanding of a different way of life…

SAM: And…and you want to do a piece of sculpture for us?

REX (smiling): Yes, that’s right…no, I want to do something that…uh…I don’t know what yet…but…uh…something that will symbolize the spirit of this town…

I have it: a giant block of stone with the words “Back in five minutes” carved on it.

MILLIE: Imagine!  A genuine Alexander right here!  Well, we’ll be the envy of towns from miles around!

“Hey—did you see that giant ashtray over in the town square in Mayberry?  I wish we had one.”

SAM: Oh, yeah…well, it would be an honor all right…I mean, knowing how much your work is sought after, and everything…

REX: Well, it will be a labor of love—I want to start right away!  (He turns and leaves the office)

SAM: Well…great!  Thanks!

MILLIE: Sam, isn’t this exciting!

SAM: Gee…imagine that…Mayberry with a famous work of art… (Millie nods in assent) You know…this just might be how Paris got started…

Except Paris is in France, where there’s good food and wine—which gives them a bit of a head start.  Not everyone is as sold on the idea of a work of art placed prominently in Mayberry…and by everyone, I mean a certain fix-it shop man whose idea of great art is a specially framed edition of a Gasoline Alley strip that made him laugh once.

HOWARD: What do you mean, “What’s it going to look like?”

EMMETT: Just what I said…if this thing’s gonna be outside the Town Hall, I wanna know what it’s gonna be…is it gonna be a general on horseback, or is it gonna be a nymph with water squirtin’ out of her head, or what?

HOWARD: All we know is that Rex Alexander has been inspired by what he feels about Mayberry…now what form the inspiration is going to take, we don’t know…

EMMETT: Well, why can’t he give us a sketch?

HOWARD: Oh, Emmett—it wouldn’t be right to ask him for one…doesn’t it mean anything to you that we’re getting a genuine Rex Alexander…for free?

EMMETT: Nope…not until I see it…

Howard then throws both of his arms up in the air in that “I’m surrounded by yokels!” fashion, and there is then a dissolve to what appears to be the town’s ice cream parlor, where Myrtle runs into Aunt Bee.  Myrtle must have come off the bench to be the substitute Clara (Hope Summers) this week, just as Emmett is providing all the idiocy we usually get from gas pump jockey Goober Pyle (George Lindsey).  During their conversation, an unidentified soda jerk prepares some ice cream for Aunt Bee—the old fashioned way, where they’d pack it in those cardboard pint containers.  (I got a little misty with nostalgia watching him.)

MYRTLE: Any news about the sculpture?

AUNT BEE: No, but he’s working on it night and day, though…

MYRTLE: No clue as to the theme?

AUNT BEE: No, and…none of us feel as if we should ask…

MYRTLE: But we will have an unveiling?

AUNT BEE: Yes, we talked to him about that… (She hands the jerk money to pay for the ice cream) There…

MYRTLE (also addressing the counterman): A cup of coffee, please…you know, Bee, I think it’s just unbelievable…unbelievable that Mayberry should be so blessed…

AUNT BEE: You know, we were talking about that last week…this will be Mayberry’s first important piece of art…

MYRTLE: Since we put the iron deer on the firehouse lawn!

The two women say goodbye, and with Myrtle sitting down at the counter for her coffee (she takes it black…like her men), there’s a dissolve to Sam as he saunters past the fix-it shop.  You would think he’d learn by now that it would be better for him to sprint past the fix-it shop…but some people are slower than others…and I don’t mean sprinting speed.

EMMETT: Any news from the genius?

SAM: No no no…he’s still working…

EMMETT: What’s takin’ him so long?

Well, gosh, Emmett…I guess the Testor’s hasn’t sufficiently dried yet.  (Schmuck.)

SAM: Well, Emmett…a man does an important piece of sculpture—it takes time…

EMMETT: But it’s been two weeks!  Martha’s brother’s a sculptor down in Florida…he can carve an alligator out of a railroad tie in half a day!

After all the kvetching and kibitzing and pissing and moaning from various Mayberrians…the big day has arrived.  The populace has gathered in the town square, ready to feast their eyes on Rex Alexander’s tribute to their fair, tranquil city.  Howard makes his way through the crowd and stands beside Emmett, who for reasons unexplained is standing next to Myrtle—his long-suffering wife Martha (Mary Lansing) apparently not able to make this episode.

HOWARD: Well…this is it, huh? (He chuckles)

EMMETT: Yeah…big thing, ain’t it?

MYRTLE: Well, you can tell from the very size of it that it’s important…

Sam brings the crowd to attention and introduces your mistress of ceremonies…Aunt Bee.

AUNT BEE: Friends…friends of Mayberry…and fellow art lovers…

“Oh…and you, too, Emmett…”

AUNT BEE: This is the occasion that we have all been looking forward to…the unveiling of this work of art that has been so generously bestowed upon us by Mr. Rex Alexander of New York City… (She nods to where Rex is standing with Sam, Millie and Mike the Idiot Boy as the crowd breaks out in applause) And so…with no further ado…Miss Millie Swanson—who is responsible for his being in our midst—will unlock the beauty of this work of art…this most distinguished gift…Miss Millie Swanson…

As Millie gets a nice hand from the crowd (I’d like to give Millie a nice hand…nudge nudge…wink wink…), she pulls away the covering to reveal…

And now let’s get reactions from those in attendance!

I’m not joking.  You could hear a pin drop in that square.

MYRTLE (uneasily): Well…there it is!

HOWARD: Yep…heh heh…that’s it, all right…

SAM: Well, hey…heh heh…wow!  How about that!

AUNT BEE: Yes…how about that!

MIKE (opening his big yap): Pa…

SAM (menacingly): Nuhh… (To Rex) Boy, that’s…that’s really…that’s…oh, boy…

I think this would be as good a time as any to have General Foods pay a few bills.

Back from commercial, several of the members of Mayberry’s prominent think tank have congregated in the diner to discuss the meaning of Alexander’s latest masterpiece.

EMMETT (carrying a cup of coffee to a table where Howard and Myrtle are also seated): Okay…the title is “The Struggle”…

HOWARD: That’s right…

EMMETT: So would somebody tell me what’s struggling with what?

AUNT BEE: Well, it appeared to me that it might be good versus evil…?

HOWARD: Maybe he was trying to depict the struggle for economic survival…

AUNT BEE: Hmm…maybe…

MIKE: What was it, Pa?

SAM: Finish your donut…

MIKE: All I wanted to know is what it was…

SAM: Well, if you keep your ears open you’ll find out…

Spoken like a true parent.  You just might get the hang of this yet, Samuel.

MYRTLE: In my opinion, it’s war and peace…

EMMETT: And in my opinion, it’s a piece of junk…and we ought to load it on a truck and dump it in Myers’ Lake…

MILLIE: Emmett, that’s no way to talk about a great work of art…

MIKE: Is it a great work of art, Pa?

SAM: Of course it is, Mike…

MIKE: Well…what’s it mean?

SAM: Drink your milk…

They either held this ceremony on a Saturday or they let school out for the occasion.  Either way, they could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by rounding up everyone below the age of 12 until it all blew over.  (Okay, I have to confess I did snicker at the next bit: Emmett yells out in the restaurant, “All those in favor of dumping it into Myers’ Lake raise your hands…” which prompts Mike to raise his.)

HOWARD (to Emmett): Why don’t you keep your mouth shut for a minute!

SAM: Yeah, I’m for that, Emmett…you know, Rex Alexander didn’t get where he is by turning out junk…

MILLIE: And it’s not his fault that we’re having trouble understanding his work…

AUNT BEE: Well…do you think we dare ask him?

HOWARD: Well, Aunt Bee—you can’t go up to a famous artist and ask him flat out what he’s driving at…

AUNT BEE: Oh…I suppose not…but…one thing’s for certain—we have to know what it’s all about if we’re going to learn to appreciate it…

SAM: Hey, Howard…you’ve kind of dabbled in the arts…maybe if you and Rex had a talk…you know, on an artist-to-artist basis…

HOWARD: Yeah…maybe…

MILLIE: Well, I could ask him to drop by my house…

HOWARD: Yeah…if I were to approach the subject in a…subtle way…all right, I’ll give it a try!

SAM: Good, Howard…good…

MIKE: Pa…why don’t…

SAM (firmly): We’re leaving…

So Millie whips up more tea and biscuits (the English term for “cookies”) and she, Howard and the esteemed Mr. Alexander are seated in her parlor, having a bit of a chinwag.

HOWARD: As you can well imagine, Mr. Alexander…the whole town’s been buzzing with comments…heh…over your magnificent gift…

REX: Oh…well, I just hope they find it meaningful…

MILLIE: Oh, it’s very meaningful…

HOWARD: Yes…yes…it…although…naturally, the true meaning of the piece was obvious to me…uh…ah…strangely enough, s-some of our good townspeople…look at it in many different ways…

REX: Ah…that’s great!

HOWARD (momentarily taken aback): Yeah…yeah!  But I was wondering…if…if for the benefit of those of us who aren’t quite as perceptive as others…I was wondering if you could possibly express what you felt about the work…I mean, while you were in the throes of creativity…so to speak…

I think this next bit is where Chrysler got the idea for their “Halftime America” campaign.

REX (sighing): Well…all right…uh…I think if I were going to put it into words I would say that it was…uh…inspired by…the spirit of Mayberry…and its courageous, free-thinking people…

He has to be talking about some other Mayberry.

REX: The Struggle…is symbolic of the…microcosm…now in this case, the small town…standing firm in its simplicity against the contaminating influences of our computerized society…

Howard, the most loquacious man ever born in that burg, can only respond with a simple “Hmm.”

REX: Uh…to put it more simply…I…I would categorize the pieces…uh…representing man against machine…

HOWARD: Well… (Chuckling) Well, I’d say…I’d say…I agree with that wholeheartedly!  (More chuckling) Wouldn’t you, Millie?

MILLIE: Oh, yes!  Yes!  Yes, indeedy!

HOWARD: That sums it up very nicely…heh heh…man against machine…

And now it’s time for Rage Against the Machine:

EMMETT: Man against machine?  What does that mean?

HOWARD: Emmett, I’m just giving you the meaning of his particular work of art in simple terms…

AUNT BEE: And I was so sure it was good against evil…

SAM: I still don’t get it, Howard…

HOWARD: Well, that’s all he said…that and something about contaminating our society with computers…

AUNT BEE: Oh…dear…

SAM: Well…look…it’s only been here one day…I think we ought to give it a fair chance…why don’t we try to live with it for a while and…kind of study it, huh?

HOWARD: That’s the way I feel…I mean…if Mayberry rejects a work of art by a man like Rex Alexander everybody’s just going to think we’re a bunch of hicks…

Oh, no, Howard…they couldn’t possibly think that.

AUNT BEE: I agree…I think we owe it to ourselves to give this thing a fair trial…I mean—look how long it took us to get used to sliced bread…

Okay.  Nearly had an iced tea accident with that one.  So we then get a montage of various Mayberry people intensely studying The Struggle.

Howard…

Myrtle…

Doofus Jones…

Aunt Bee is having a gander when she’s approached by Emmett.

EMMETT: Bee…it’s no use…I’ve tried, too…

AUNT BEE: Oh…you know, in its own… (Her voice trails off)

So we dissolve to the fix-it shop, where Sam, Emmett and Howard discuss why it’s important to maintain music, art and drama classes in school curriculums.

SAM: I’ll tell you the truth, guys…I haven’t found anybody in this whole town who can come right out and say what it is…

HOWARD: I know…we’ve all tried pretty hard, but it’s just been a losing battle…

SAM: I’m afraid so…

HOWARD: I don’t know what there is about it…but a work of art is supposed to reach out, and…speak to you…

SAM: Yeah…

EMMETT (looking up from his work): If that thing starts talkin’, we’re all in trouble…

SAM: Well, I’m afraid we just…have to face it—modern art is not for Mayberry…

EMMETT: Well…what are we gonna to do to get rid of it?  (Brightening) Myers’ Lake?

SAM: Oh, come on, Emmett…we’ve got to be diplomatic about this…

HOWARD: Yeah…we gotta be careful…I mean…we don’t want to hurt Rex Alexander’s feelings—after all, it is a gift…

And this is why you should always hang onto the receipt.  Before Emmett can make another idiotic suggestion, Sam cuts him off shortly and explains that both he and Aunt Bee (twisted and evil) have been talking the Alexander matter through and think they’ve hit upon a solution to wiggle out of the town’s predicament.  There is then a scene change to the Mayberry town square, where we see the Alexander sculpture and then cut to a long shot of Sam addressing the good people of that gentle hamlet with another boring speech.

SAM: I’ve asked you folks here this afternoon to…witness yet another ceremony…with this…imposing piece of sculpture…we’re very fortunate to have with us…a distinguished visitor…Mr. Anthony Harper…

A distinguished-looking gentleman acknowledges the audience’s applause, and Mayberry Mondays aficionados should have little difficulty in recognizing him as character great Howard Wendell…making his second appearance on R.F.D.—the first as one-percenter Lucius Fremont in “The Church Bell.”  (After seeing Wendell in that previous episode, it was like I couldn’t get away from the guy after that—he kept popping up in practically every rerun I watched afterward.)

SAM: Uh…Mr. Harper is a man to whom Rex Alexander’s reputation in the art world is very well known…and now, I’d like to present Miss Beatrice Taylor…who’ll explain the reason for Mr. Harper’s visit…

(Crowd applause)

AUNT BEE: Fellow art lovers…

“And you, too, Emmett…” (Hey—we’re short on jokes this week; we have to recycle what we can.)

AUNT BEE: …Mr. Harper…Mr. Alexander…after much thought…and soul searching…the Fine Arts Committee of the town council…

Mayberry has a Fine Arts Committee.  Who’da thunk it?

AUNT BEE: …has come to the conclusion…than in as much as Mayberry is a small town….

“How…small…is it?”  “It’s so small, the ‘Welcome’ and ‘Come Again’ signs are on the same post…heeeyyyyoooo!!!” (Rimshot!)

AUNT BEE: …and off the beaten path…it hardly seems fair to us to keep this authentic Alexander masterpiece to ourselves, and hide it from the rest of the world…

EMMETT: Hear, hear!

(Howard shoots him a look)

AUNT BEE: When we approached Mr. Harper, who is the curator of the Raleigh Art Museum…he wholeheartedly agreed…and so, with the kind permission of Mr. Alexander, of course, we are placing this work of art…on permanent loan…to the museum, where thousands of people can enjoy it…instead of the few who would see it in Mayberry…

So Harper gets up and makes another pretty speech about how grateful the museum is to be getting such a breathtakingly beautiful piece of art no one in Mayberry can appreciate.  Standing before the sculpture, he engages the only man in that town with a little Moxie on the ball in conversation:

HARPER: It’s overwhelming…isn’t it, Mr. Jones?

SAM: Ah, yeah…

HARPER: Such an inspiring portrayal…of man against machine…

SAM: Yeah…

HARPER: Man here on the left…caught in a magnificent turmoil of stone…Machine…here on the right…with its concentric convolutions…of perpetual motion…

SAM: Uh…actually…Mr. Harper…the way I understand it…the, uh, the machine is on the left…the man is on the right…

HARPER: Well…heh heh…yes…yes, of course…

Coda time!

Howard drifts into Sam’s office with his briefcase—he had work to do for the county, and while he was there he stopped by the museum to take a look at Mayberry’s sculpture.

HOWARD: …very prominent position, with a spotlight on it and everything…

SAM: Yeah?  Were there a lot of people around it, what?

HOWARD: Oh, just a few…but you know something?  They were arguing over what The Struggle meant…

SAM: Oh…

HOWARD: Yeah…

SAM: …just like we were…

HOWARD: Yeah…they finally had to ask the guard to settle…

SAM: Yeah?  What did he say?

HOWARD: He told them it was a struggle between the sexes…

SAM: No…

HOWARD: Man versus woman on the eternal battlefield of love… (Sam laughs) You know something?

SAM: Mmm?

HOWARD: There was a sizeable crowd gathered around that statue in no time!

Well, I think we learned a valuable lesson in all of this.  Modern art is evil and should be shunned, and Millie should probably be burned in the town square for bringing it to Mayberry in the first place.

With Aunt Bee back in fine fettle (you don’t think Sam was the one who came up with that proposal to fob off that sculpture on the Raleigh Museum, do you?), Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™ notches up another Bavier appearance, making a grand total of ten appearances for the show’s second season, and a tally of twenty-two for the series overall.  But we’ll probably have to resign ourselves to seeing that number refuse to budge for the next several episodes (since I’ve previewed them and she’s off on another sabbatical again).  Goober fans can rejoice that our favorite grease monkey returns next week in “The Health Fund,” R.F.D.’s wacky look at the controversial issue of healthcare which will have some additional verisimilitude with the recent Supreme Court decision upholding the Affordable Care Act and all.  Be sure to join us next week for another Mayberry Mondays!