…yes, it’s directed by none other than “Mr. Radio” himself—Elliott Lewis, a true renaissance man when it came to the aural medium in that he was not only a performer (best known for his peerless work on The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show as Frankie Remley) but also a writer, director and producer on such classic programs as Broadway’s My Beat and Crime Classics. Although radio would always be Lewis’ first love, he secured a great deal of work on the glass furnace, serving as a director and/or producer on such series as The Lucy Show, Petticoat Junction and The Mothers-in-Law—in the years before his death he served as a script consultant on TV’s Remington Steele.
The second indication is that after the opening credits, we find the trusty rusty pickup of gas pump jockey/village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) tooling along the streets of Mayberry until it reaches its destination: Goober’s Gas-Up. The truck is towing a little sporty car, and the visual of this did make me chortle a bit.
Pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson), who is
apparently done with his duties for the day, happens to be hanging out at the
station with poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-town-council-head Sam Jones
(Ken Berry)…who, as experience has taught us, is never done with his duties
because he’s essentially getting a subsidy check from Uncle Sam each
month. Howard immediately recognizes the
vehicle being towed because he remarks to Sam: “A fellow journalist!” He then reminds his friend that it’s Pamela
Bennington (Judith McConnell), “fashion editor of the Mt. Pilot Clarion.” Faithful TDOY
followers will remember that we all made Ms. Bennington’s acquaintance in the
episode “Millie, the Best-Dressed Woman”…in which bakery doyenne Millie Swanson’s
(Arlene Golonka) attempts to dictate what Mayberry women will be wearing is
foiled by Pamela’s entrance at one of the town’s notorious dances, where she
models a short skirt for the delight of the middle-aged leches mesmerized by
her shapely female legs.
GOOBER: Hey, fellers—look who I
found!
“Can I keep her?”
PAMELA: Hi, Howard! Sam…
PAMELA: Well, I don’t know…I was
driving along and then…all of a sudden I wasn’t
driving along…
HOWARD: What a shame! What do you surmise to be the problem, Goob?
GOOBER: I surmise her car conked out…
Every episode…one laugh-out-loud moment.
PAMELA: Well…that’s life…I have to get back to Mt. Pilot
GOOBER: Well…if you can
double-clutch, you can use the tow truck…
PAMELA (laughing): I’m afraid I’m
not ready for that…
Pamela starts to throw out hints that she’s going need a
lift back to the “Pile,” as I like to call it…and Howard uses his keen powers
of county clerk observation to discern Pamela is a damsel in distress. “I think I can solve your problem, Miss
Bennington,” he eagerly responds, reaching into his pocket. “I have a bus schedule right here!”
Pamela is underwhelmed, and the usual Goober-Howard dynamic
of idiot-and-even-bigger-idiot gets a nice twist when Goob mutters to the
clueless Mistah Sprague: “Don’t you know when a girl’s hintin’ for a ride, dum-dum?”
HOWARD: Of course I’d be more than privileged to offer you a ride…it’s just
that…well, I…I didn’t want you to think…well, you know—just the two of us
alone…
PAMELA: Oh, Howard…I’d be delighted to ride with you!
HOWARD: Oh, splendid! And you needn’t worry about my driving—I’ve
never had a moving violation…
As the two of them go off toward Howard’s car, Goober gives
Sam a look that says “The boy just don’t be knowin’.” The scene shifts to a car pulling up to the
sidewalk outside the Riviera Park Apartments.
PAMELA: Thanks for the lift…
HOWARD: Oh…my pleasure, Miss
Bennington…
PAMELA: Pamela…
HOWARD: Well…Pamela…
“And you can continue to call me Mr. Sprague.” Howard then says that he should probably let
her out before people get the wrong impression, so he exits the vehicle first
and goes around to the passenger side to open Pamela’s door like couples do
before they get married. Howard takes a
little time to admire Pamela’s digs…and her apartment complex, too (rimshot!):
HOWARD: Well…it certainly is a very
nice building—just for singles you say, huh?
PAMELA: Yes, it’s very nice…always
something going on—wonderful for
meeting people…
HOWARD: I’ll bet!
PAMELA: If you’re interested, I
think there’s a vacancy…
HOWARD: Oh?
PAMELA: Well…thanks again for the
ride…
HOWARD: Thank you for riding with me…
“You know, Howard—you really are a very sweet man,” she
tells him as she gives him a peck on the cheek.
(Howard gets to first base!) In
addition to giving Howard a stiffie, the kiss puts him in a reverie to the
point where when he gets back to his car he opens the door to the back seat
behind the driver…then snaps out of it and gets in on the driver’s side. As he does this, he wipes the lipstick
residue from his cheek with a hankie.
There is then a dissolve to the Mayberry Diner, where Howard
nearly runs into a departing patron as he enters the establishment. Seated at a booth are Sam, Goober and fix-it
savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman). The
reason for Emmett’s presence in this episode really goes unexplained; the
climax of this installment takes place at a party that Howard throws in his new
swingers’ pad…which Emmett does not attend, since he rarely takes his wife
Martha (Mary Lansing) anywhere. So you
kind of have to wonder why scribes Dick Bensfield and Perry Grant bothered to
write a part for Emmett. But he’s here,
and so we’ll simply have to make the best of it.
GOOBER: No movin’ violations?
(The others laugh)
HOWARD (sniffily): For your
information, Goober…it was a very pleasant
experience…uh…by the way—you fellas don’t happen to have any cleaning fluid on you, do you?
EMMETT: Cleanin’ fluid?
GOOBER: What do you want cleanin’
fluid for?
HOWARD: Well, I thought it might
help me get the lipstick out of my handkerchief…
“That’s right, bee-yotches…we had sex and everything!”
GOOBER: She kissed you?
EMMETT: Who kissed him?
HOWARD: Pamela Bennington…of
course, I call her Pam…
EMMETT: You mean that good looker
over in Mt. Pilot
GOOBER: In the broad daylight?
Howard brags that he and Pamela have “established a great
rapport,” even to the point of where she dropped the hint about the vacancy at
the apartment complex. Despite the fact
that Howard owns a house in Mayberry, he went by the rental office to pick up a
brochure because damn it, he’s moving into that place come hell or high water.
That might possibly be the funniest line in this whole
episode. Emmett starts to count the
number of bikinis in the brochure’s photograph, prompting Howard to admonish
him with “Emmett, you’re a married man…”
“Well, I may be down but I ain’t out,” cracks Emmett with
that well-honed Algonquin wit of his, eliciting a hearty guffaw from Goober.
HOWARD: Well, I…made a deposit…
Yeah, we’re done hearing about your little Pamela escapade,
Howard.
HOWARD: It’s only for a couple of months!
GOOBER: One kiss and he goes ape…
HOWARD: Well, I didn’t say I was
doing it just because of Pamela…
EMMETT: You ain’t sayin’ it…but
that lipstick is…
HOWARD: Well…Pamela may have
something to do with it—but even if she weren’t there, I figure that’s my type
of place…
GOOBER: With the swingers?
HOWARD: Well, why not? Just because a man
comes from Mayberry doesn’t mean he’s not hep…
I sit corrected. That’s the funniest line in this whole
episode. And the punchline on this is Howard
calls out to a waitress: “Hey, Gorgeous—lay a cup of java on me, will ya?” (I’d like to be able to report that she kicks
Howard right in the Spragues…but we aren’t that lucky, though she does give him
a look that suggests she’ll be serving him a piping hot cup of STFU.)
A scene dissolve finds Howard, Sam and Goober outside the Riviera
Park
The three of them enter a courtyard where people far prettier than Howard sit around in lounge chairs and at tables beside the spacious pool shown in the brochure. Howard is trying to locate the direction of his apartment, explaining “I think it’s down here somewhere.” “No hurry,” Sam cracks, clearly enjoying the scenery. So much so that in watching a young lovely on a beach towel he loses his footing and is inches from falling into the pool. (This made me laugh out loud, since it was a real F Troop moment.)
HOWARD: It must be around here
someplace…I know it’s right near Pamela’s…
GOOBER: Why don’t you ask one of
your swingin’ neighbors?
Howard asks this woman—who identifies herself as Jane Mullins—where 214 is. Jane is played by actress Judith Cassmore (billed here as Judy), who despite being fairly attractive is considered to be the complex’s wallflower (as we will soon see)…which will give you an idea of what the other women are like. (Babes. Fabulous babes.) Cassmore’s resume at the IMDb is a little on the skimpy side; apart from appearing in the 70s cult classic Foxy Brown most of her assignments were on the small screen, in guest star roles on series like That Girl and Love, American Style. (She did appear as Don Rickles’ secretary on his short-lived self-titled sitcom in 1972.)
JANE: Are you just moving in?
HOWARD; Uh…yes…214…
JANE: Oh! It’s over there! We’re practically neighbors! I’m in 203…
HOWARD: Oh…really? Well…thank you very much…
The three doofuses go on their way, and as an afterthought
Jane calls out to them: “There’s a barbecue every Wednesday night!”
“I don’t remember her from the brochures,” grouses
Goober. “Maybe she was underwater.”
Having finally settled into his new bachelor digs, Goober
and Sam are checking out Howard’s “pad” like the rubes we know them to be.
Condoms…
GOOBER: Is he the guy you’re
sublettin’ from?
HOWARD (after giving him a look):
Hey! You know, I think I’m going to hold
an open house party this Saturday night…or as they probably call it here, a
“bash”…
Another way they describe it would be “I have to wash my hair that night.” Sam and Goober are quite excited by this proposal, and in a syndication-mandated edit we find Howard decked out in some funky bachelor duds (check out the red suit), fluffing pillows on his couch as the soundtrack swells with hip tuneage that apparently came from the same music library as The Partridge Family. With his apartment looking properly swinging, he then walks over to a sugar dish sitting on the bar and empties the contents into an ashtray beside it. Taking the empty sugar dish, he starts to exit the apartment but quickly looks down at his shoes…and gives them a quick shine by the old-rub-them-against-the-back-of-my-pant-legs maneuver. He is then off…to
Howard doesn’t get the opportunity to rap on her chamber door because Pamela emerges from her digs at the same time he’s getting ready to knock. She is also accompanied by a man, played by actor John Strong—who (according to the always reliable IMDb) hosted a talk show in 1971 in addition to his acting credits on such shows as 77 Sunset Strip and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. His IMDb listing also states that he later became a writer and associate/supervising producer (on series such as Search and Return to the Planet of the Apes), with film credits that include Heart Like a Wheel (1983) and Cop (1988).
PAMELA: Why, Howard! What are you
doing here?
HOWARD: Surprise! I just moved in down the hall…
PAMELA: Well, how nice!
Oh…I’d like you to meet my boyfriend Pete Handley…
Cue the sad trombone!
HOWARD: Boyfriend…
PETE (extending his hand for a
handshake): Uh…glad to meet you, Howard…
HOWARD: Hi…
PETE (noticing Howard’s dish):
What’s that?
HOWARD: Oh, I just wanted to borrow
some sugar…
PETE: Aw, come on—that corny bit?
I got a TL for you, Pete—this is Mayberry R.F.D. It’s all
corny bits.
PETE: You’re not trying to move in
on my girl…are you, Clyde ?
HOWARD: Howard…
PAMELA: Oh, Howard and me? Don’t be silly…
“Howard is as gay as an Easter parade.” Pamela explains to her macho boyfriend that
Howard is a perfect gentleman…and “if he says he’s here for sugar, he’s here
for sugar.” (Well, he was there for sugar.) Pamela then tells Howard to go into the
apartment and help himself because they’re late for the dance…and I don’t know
perzactly what the security is like in that joint but I’d be a little leery of
letting people have the run of the place, if you know what I mean. At any rate, Howard is dejected because the
mixed signals he received from Pamela have caused him to drop a bundle on this second
home…and with that, we pay a few bills with a commercial break.
Part the second begins with the ever cheerful Millie
entering the diner with Sam, who humorously tells Howard to “slide over there,
swinger” in order to let Millie sit down in the booth while he grabs an extra
chair. Goober and Emmett are seated on
the other side of the booth.
GOOBER: Somethin’ went wrong…
EMMETT: Yeah…he got slapped…
HOWARD: I did not! For your
information, I merely decided that I wasn’t ready to tie myself down yet! I mean…before a man makes a big decision like
that, he…he ought to look the field over…
GOOBER (to Emmett and Sam): Pam dumped him…
HOWARD: Would you stop saying that?!! I’m going to keep Pam on my list, it’s …well,
it’s just…that I think that…if I’m going to be a swinger, I oughta swing!
GOOBER: Does that mean you’re still
gonna have the bash Saturday night?
HOWARD: Well, yeah! Sure!
Why not?
GOOBER: Hey…wooo….wow…wait ‘til you
see the lookers over there…which one you gonna bring? How ‘bout that wild-lookin’ blonde? You know—the one that Sam was lookin’ at when
he almost fell in the pool…
Sam…if you were a dairy farmer, you could keep a cattle prod
handy for when Goober says stupid things like that.
MILLIE: Oh?!!
EMMETT: What about it, Howard?
HOWARD: Oh, I’ll latch onto
one…give ‘em all a chance, that’s my
motto…
You’re just a hunka hunka burnin’ love, you stud muffin
you. “Where’s the chick—I want some
buttermilk,” he muses, looking around for his favorite waitress.
The scene shifts back to the
HOWARD: Hi…mind if I put my diddy
bag here?
SUSIE: Hello…
HOWARD (after laying out his towel
on the chair) If…uh…if I may be so bold…I’m
Howard Sprague…I just moved into 214…
SUSIE: Oh, hi Howard…I’m Susie…
HOWARD: Hi…heh…are you going in for
a swim?
SUSIE: Uh-huh…
HOWARD: Oh! Well, mind if I join you?
SUSIE: Oh, fine—as a matter of fact
I’m not much of a swimmer…
HOWARD: Oh…well… (Getting up from
his chair) In that case, it’s best to use the buddy system…I have a lifesaving
merit badge…
“But first—I really ought to call my mother…I want to make
sure it’s okay if I go swimming so quickly after eating.” As if his enthusiasm about merit badges isn’t
enough to send this lady running towards the Sapphic sisterhood, Howard then
dons this get-up:
He then asks her—and I won’t lie to you, hearing Dodson do this with the nose plug is hilarious—if she’s doing anything Saturday night. “I’m sure I must be,” she replies, staring at him in complete horror.
Howard throws his towel down on the chair in frustration, and as he walks off the increasingly "repulsive" Jane sees him. She greets him cheerily, and after exchanging a brief pleasantry Howard continues his quest to find someone hotter than she. Another woman who’s also worshipping the sun is approached by the suave county clerk…but we never learn her name because in sitting down in the chair beside her, Howard ends up smooshing her sunglasses. The amusing thing about this encounter is that this woman—identified as “Cheryl” in the credits—is played by Sandra de Bruin, who also played a stewardess Howard was trying to mack on in “Palm Springs, Here We Are.”
Well, having no luck in the “give ‘em all a chance” department, we find a somewhat dejected Howard walking down the hall of the complex and stopping outside the door to 203…the home of the "hideous" Jane. (To make sure the audience sees how grotesque she is—even though she’s really quite lovely—she comes to the door in curlers. Yecchhh!!!) Howard’s heart is clearly not in visiting with her—he calls her “Jean,” and she corrects him—but the two of them go inside the apartment, and she says she’ll leave the door open because “you know how people talk.” (See? Jane is like Howard’s soul mate, but he’s not bright enough to see it!) Leaving the door open will allow the two of them to hear an argument going on between Pamela and Pete, who’s really started to take on some major dinkitude:
PETE: …but I call everybody “Honey”…look—all I said to the
girl was “Hi, Honey”…
PAMELA: Pete, it’s not what you
said it’s how you said it!
“You were stripped to your shorts! In the restaurant!”
PETE: Oh, come on… (He takes her
shoulders) Look, I’ll see you Saturday…
PAMELA: You can forget Saturday night…I’ll be
busy…you’re not the only man in the
world, you know…
Meanwhile, back at Chez Jane:
HOWARD (as he’s leaving):
Well…thanks for the cocoa…
JANE: Thank you for inviting me to your party…I can hardly wait…Howard…
HOWARD (he gives her a little
wave): Well…bye…
I have a sneaking suspicion a heavy holding hands session
went on in there. As Howard goes back to
his “pad,” Pamela is exiting her apartment.
PAMELA: Howard! Where have you been keeping yourself?
HOWARD: Well…I’ve been kind of
busy…
PAMELA: Too busy to come and see me?
“Warning!
Warning! Danger, Dr. Sprague!”
HOWARD: Well…I mean…with your
boyfriend and all…I thought…
PAMELA: Oh…he’s nobody we have to worry about anymore…
HOWARD: Really?
PAMELA: Why don’t you come in?
Bow-chicka-a-wow-wow…we see Howard enter Pamela’s apartment,
and then the scene dissolves to the Mayberry City Council Office.
“Dude—what show do you think this is? The Brady Bunch?”
HOWARD: Aw, come on now, Sam—it
isn’t funny…
No. And it’s not
likely to ever become so, either.
HOWARD: Well, she was…sitting there
beside the pool when I moved in…she was reading a magazine—remember?
HOWARD: That’s the one…
And besides, Captain Parmenter, you were kind of busy trying
not to fall into the pool. Howard tells
Sam that the only honorable thing to do is “to call it off with Pamela and go
with Jane…right?”
“Right,” agrees Sam.
“So what are you going to do instead
of that?” Well, this particularly sticky
wicket that Howard is in is about to be resolved…enter an idiot.
GOOBER; Hey, Howard—didja ever get
a date?
GOOBER: Hey, great…who?
HOWARD: Well, I… (Realization kicks
in) Hey, Goob—who are you taking?
GOOBER: Oh…nobody…I just…thought
I’d show up and play the field…
I guess Goober’s cousin is washing her hair that night.
HOWARD: You want me to fix you up
with one of the swingers over there?
GOOBER: Hey! How ‘bout that…redhead?
HOWARD: Well, I don’t know about
her—but I tell you what… (Giving him a wink) You just show up, okay?
Goober leaves the council office on a cloud, and Howard
turns back toward Sam…who is giving him a real stare down. “Well, I’m only trying to bring two nice
people together, that’s all” is Howard’s excuse for tricking the manchild that
is Goober.
Sam continues to stare at him. “Well, say something—will you?” pleads
Howard.
“I’m trying to think of something,” is Sam’s reply…prompting
Dodson (Howard) to react with a funny sour face. The scene then shifts to Howard’s “bash,” and
we see our swinger standing next to a young lovely (Lea Cook) with a blindfold
in his hand. “For those of you who
prefer, uh, less strenuous games there’s Parcheesi right over there.”
“Hey, this is weird,” remarks the woman as Howard slips a blindfold over her. “Whoever thought of playing party games at a party?” Just wait until they break out the Strip Chutes and Ladders, kiddo…they’ll have to bring in
Sam unfortunately had to bring his girlfriend Millie, who is
standing over at the food table with her beau:
MILLIE: Um…which one is the blonde you fell in the pool?
Howard makes his way to where Sam and Millie are standing,
and asks in an irritated voice, “Where’s that Goober?” This prompts Millie to ask which girl is
Howard’s date—“That’s an interesting question,” jokes Sam.
HOWARD (to Pamela): I brought you
some punch…
PAMELA: Oh…thank you, Howard…
HOWARD: Two gallons didn’t quite
fill the whole bowl, so I…poured in a pint of champagne…don’t let the bubbles tickle your nose…heh heh…
You are a wild man, Mr. Sprague! In a funny bit of physical business, Dodson
starts to put his arm around McConnell’s Pamela…and stops quickly with the
arrival of plain Jane.
HOWARD: Oh…hi, Jane!
JANE: I brought you some punch…
HOWARD: Uh…thank you…
JANE: And I made the coffee…all I
had to do was plug it in…
HOWARD: Oh? Well…you didn’t have to do that…
So the faux go-go music starts in, and Sam and Millie hit
the dance floor—not dancing like hipsters but kind of a modified ballroom
strut. “Hey…that’s groovy music!” says
Pamela approvingly.
Jane likes that funky music as well, and both women wait,
expecting Howard to ask them to dance.
But Howard realizes that “I left the rumaki in the oven”…and he starts
off toward the kitchen Jane tells him she’ll take care of it. After Jane has left, Pamela says to Howard:
“She’s such a sweet girl—who’s she with?”
“Oh…some guy,” responds Howard. Well, I’m going to cut to the quick on this one only because the next few bits are simply variations on a theme (Howard invited both girls to the party, but can’t bring himself to cut one of them loose) though there is a funny gag where Howard sits on the couch holding hands with both women. Finally, “that dumb Goober” shows up—he went to the barbershop before the party and “got the works.” (“Smell the Witch Hazel?”)
Seeing that Goober has arrived, Howard asks Jane to come
with him to meet his pal because he’s going to fob her off on one of the lower
primates.
GOOBER (not completely hiding his
disappointment): Hey…
JANE: Hello, Goober…Howard—you have
such nice friends…of course, that’s
because he’s such a nice guy himself…
Another number from The Partridge Family strikes up, and
there is a nine-month pregnant pause as the three of them stand there until
Howard says to Goober: “Well, Goober—I guess you want to get dancing and
everything…”
Goober’s reaction that he’s going to have to frug with Jane
equals that of someone who’s just bitten down on a caterpillar he didn’t know
was in his soup. Goober asks Jane if she
wants to dance…but then Howard explains: “No, Goober…Jane’s my date—you’re with Pamela.”
Yeah, Howard may be a dweeb…but he’s a dweeb who does the
right thing.
MILLIE (to Sam): I’m confused…
(Howard makes his way past the
dancers to Pamela)
HOWARD: Pamela…can I ask you
something? (She nods) Well…Goober just got here without a date, and I want him
to have a good time and everything…and…well, I’m so busy being host…and…I know it isn’t fair to you…
PAMELA: Howard…would you like me to
be Goober’s date?
HOWARD: I know you’re disappointed,
but…
PAMELA: Wonderful! I’d love it!
Either Pamela is the most understanding person in the
world…or she’s turned on by a man who approaches her with a mouth full of
rumaki and asks her to shake a tail feather on the dance floor. Howard then asks Jane to dance—“I thought
you’d never ask,” she says to him happily.
JANE (as they dance): You’re a
smooth dancer, Howard!
HOWARD: Oh-ho…thank you! I learned at cotillion…
JANE: So did I!
So Sam and Millie join the dancing throng, too—and Sam takes
care to avoid Goober, who’s doing his patented
“epileptic-tamping-down-a-forest-fire” shtick.
“Hey, you’re too much!” laughs Pamela, having quite a time.
“That’s what everybody says!” observes Goober, as we limp to
the coda.
The wrap-up finds Emmett (you see why I questioned whether
his presence was necessary in this episode) getting the skinny from Sam on the
wildness that was HowardFest ’71:
EMMETT: Outside of you—that sounds
like one of those new moving pictures I’ve been hearing about… (Sam laughs)
Goober and Pam, huh…that just don’t figure…
I’d take whatever I could get for him.
EMMETT: Think he kissed her?
At that point in the conversation, Goober storms into the council office…sporting a shiner over one eye. He’s looking for Howard—“He didn’t tell me Pam had a boyfriend!”
Emmett finds Goober’s black eye uproariously funny…probably
because he’s now got something to tell Martha when he gets home that night.
Next time—and I want to stress next time only because I
can’t guarantee it will be next week; it will depend on my schedule and
all—we’ll have the return of Mike in an episode that will feature an apology
from me for not giving one of R.F.D.’s regulars a proper
send-off. That installment is “Mike’s
Car”…and I invite you to join us when you can.
