Doris Day(s) #17: “The Buddy” (02/04/69, prod. no #8528)

Sincerest apologies for skipping out on last week’s Doris Day(s), good people—I was up to my armpits in blogathons, and after finishing all that I said in my best Little Richard impersonation “I can’t do no more!”  I will admit that had my enthusiasm for this week’s episode been a little more…well, enthusiastic, let’s say—I would have tried my darndest to cobble it together last Monday.  But it is The Doris Day Show we’re talking about here, and mustering a high level of eagerness is not easily done.

As our thrilling opus opens this week, we find The Widder Martin (Doris) with her father, Buck Webb (Denver Pyle), futzing around with some plants as her progeny Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke) work on their bikes.  Like the sons on The Brady Bunch, the Martin boys never actually ride the bikes…they just like fixing them.  Suddenly, the family’s indescribably dense farmhand, Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton) arrives with the morning mail.

LEROY: Hey, the mail’s in…

BUCK: Is that the size of it?

That’s a rather personal question…isn’t it, Buck?

BUCK: The one letter?

LEROY: It’s…for Mrs. Martin… (He hands it to Doris)

DORIS: Oh…thanks, Leroy…I’ve been waiting for this…

BILLY: We never get any letters either, Grandpa…

TOBY: We don’t even get postcards…

“I like cheese!”  Doris’ missive is apparently from a woman named Louise, and little is known about her except that she has a balcony you could Shakespeare off of.  (FST reference for the win!)  All seriousness aside—it would appear that Louise is great with child, and is scheduled to give birth any day now.  “What’s so great about having a baby?” asks Billy, to which his slower brother replies: “I’d rather have a guinea pig!”  (There’s my argument: forced sterilization.)

BUCK: How’s she like Phoenix?

DORIS: She likes Phoenix…but she doesn’t know a soul…

BUCK: Uh-huh…and she’d like to have somebody she knows come up and sit with her a while, huh?

DORIS (continuing to read): As a matter of fact…

BUCK: As a matter of fact, that’s what she’s talkin’ about right there in the letter, isn’t it?

DORIS: Look—I’d like to go…you know I’d be happy to help her…

BUCK: Well, why don’t you go?

There’s an explanation—Juanita is away visiting her family, and Doris knows that left to their own devices, her family and Leroy will devolve into primitive Neanderthals, eating with their hands and communicating with simple grunts and gestures.  (And then things will only get worse from there.)  Buck tut-tuts this, telling her that they’re perfectly capable of running Rancho Webb by themselves…and asks his three sons to back him up on this.  (Keep in mind that this brain trust would make the same convincing arguments as Howard, Fine and Howard.)  But if Doris doesn’t light out for Phoenix, we’ll have no plot for this episode—so she bades everyone “toodle-oo” and tells them their on their own.

“But Doris…well…there’s a few…” Buck calls after her, but no luck.  “We’re on our own, fellas,” he tells Leroy and the boys.  May God have mercy on their souls.

A syndication-mandated edit finds Buck whipping up a mess o’vittles for Leroy, Billy and Toby at breakfast.  With both their mother and Juanita gone, the kids will be forced to go without Zagnut bars and linzer tortes.

LEROY: You sure know how to lay a good breakfast, Mr. Webb…

BUCK: Well, thank you, Leroy…

LEROY: Cereal, coffee, ham, pancakes… (He starts to pour syrup on his pancakes)

BUCK: Those aren’t pancakes…those are eggs!

LEROY: Oh…well, they look…kinda flat…

BUCK: Well, I happen to like flat eggs…

LEROY: Well—me, too…if there’s anything I can’t stand it’s a…puffy, fluffed-up egg…

Billy asks Buck for the time, and he’s told that it’s eight-thirty.

BUCK: What time you supposed to leave for school?

BILLY: Ten minutes ago!  Come on, Tobe!

Billy and Toby grab their books and lunchboxes (again, they’ll have to make do with sandwiches) and head out the door but Toby is stopped by Buck…it would appear the youngest Martin boy has committed a fashion fox paw.

BUCK: Where are your socks?

TOBY: I couldn’t find any…

BILLY: Come on, Tobe! (He runs out the door)

BUCK: Well, wait a minute…what about your socks?

TOBY: Don’t worry, Grandpa…the teacher never picks up our pant legs…

Oh, he’s just adorable.  Buck then turns back to the oldest son.

BUCK: I get up an hour early to get down here to fix breakfast…and all I get are complaints… (He sits down in one of the chairs)

LEROY (spooning Buck’s breakfast onto his own plate): I don’t have any complaints, Mr. Webb…I do have a question though…

BUCK: Yeah?

LEROY: What’s for lunch?

Leroy grabs a little more syrup for his “pancakes,” and Buck is properly repulsed at the sight.  “On the eggs?” he asks.

“If you ain’t tried it, don’t knock it,” is Leroy’s stupid response.  (“I’m warning you, Dobbs!”)

There is a cardinal rule in sitcoms that if an individual without ladyparts isn’t in the immediate vicinity, any male character is incapable of chores like cooking and housework…and the shift to Buck piling up many dishes in a clothes basket is a testament to this.  I would proclaim this poppycock were it not for the fact that my mother happens to be reading over my shoulder.

LEROY (entering the kitchen): Well, I got that washin’ machine runnin’ just fine, Mr. Webb…

BUCK: I thought I told you to keep your hands off my machines…

LEROY: Well, all I did was put in some soap and turned the switch on…what could happen?

BUCK: I don’t know…but somethin’ will…

Yes indeedy do!  Buck asks Leroy to pitch in on eliminating the mountain of dishes that have piled up in the sink in a short period of time, and as Leroy attempts to be helpful he asks his boss when Doris will be home.  Buck shoots him what we refer to in my house as The Look, and then—as if it were scripted—the phone starts to ring.  Again, because Buck is incapable of doing laundry he must look for the telephone under several piles of clothing until he locates it…and to no one’s surprise, it’s Doris on the other end.

As you can see in the above screen capture, Doris is making plans to “liberate” a dog from her pal Louise, possibly as a playmate—or, considering its size, a snack—for Nelson the Sheepdog (Lord Nelson).  Doris and her pa make idle chit-chat (she called to see how they were doing) but in the midst of their conversation…

…oh, dearie dear.  “It’s leakin’!” Leroy cries out, and as he runs to the door he slides on some of the suds and runs face into it, which was good for a chuckle.  Leroy opens the door to the laundry room and suds spill out…all while Buck still has Doris on the phone.

BUCK: You must have used too much soap!

LEROY: I only used one box…

BUCK: One box?  You’re only supposed to use a cup, you nincompoop!  (To Doris) No…not you, honey…

The next few minutes features Leroy attempting to cope with the Laundry Situation, and failing miserably because doofus.  He keeps coming in and out of the laundry completely covered in soap suds, and the state of affairs is not unlike that Brady Bunch episode where Bobby attempted to clean his suit, with similar results.  I noticed that there was more than the usual amount of silly sound effects and goofy Leroy sounds as the sequence rages on.  On the phone with Doris, Buck learns that she’s going to stay with her friend a few more days and he assures her not to worry—the house might still be standing by the time she returns.

BUCK: Well…you gonna float around all night on soapsuds or you gonna get this cleaned up?

LEROY: Mr. Webb…I swear I don’t know where to start…

BUCK: Well…right over there is a mop…you pick it up by the woody part…and the stringy end is what does the work…

Trusting Leroy with something that has multiple moving parts…you do like to live dangerously, Buckley Webb.  The doorbell rings, and Buck rushes to the front door to welcome this week’s special guest.

Hey, it’s Mary Wickes!  The veteran character actress from such films as The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942), Now, Voyager (1942), Who Done It? (1942), White Christmas (1954), The Music Man (1962), The Trouble with Angels (1966), Where Angels Go, Trouble Follows (1968) and Sister Act (1992) was great friends with the sitcom’s star in real life (Mary played housekeepers in the Dodo vehicles On Moonlight Bay [1951] and By the Light of the Silvery Moon [1953]).  Couch potatoes know Wickes from her roles on the Annette serial on The Mickey Mouse Club, Dennis the Menace, Make Room for Daddy, Julia, Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, Doc and Father Dowling Mysteries (she also appeared in guest roles on all three of Lucille Ball’s sitcoms). 

In our last installment of Doris Day(s), I pointed you to a post from Stephen Bowie at The Classic TV History Blog about a biography (I Know I’ve Seen That Face Before) written by Steve Taravella on Wickes that settles the question as to the actress’ sexuality…contrary to the characters she played, she was not batting for the other team.  So I’m going to be good and not make any jokes about this…though there may be a Full Metal Jacket reference or two.

EMMA: No use trying to hide behind that beard, Sergeant…I’d recognize you if you wore pigtails!

BUCK: Emma!

Emma?  From St. Louis?

BUCK: Emma Flood!  (He pulls her into the house)  Major Emma Flood!

In…person!  The two ol’ Marine buddies have a quick meet-and-greet, and Buck asks her what she’s doing in his neck of the woods.  “I just got put out to pasture,” she explains.

BUCK: Oh…they retired you?

EMMA: As of two days ago…I thought I’d stop by and see you on my way through!

BUCK: Well, I’m glad!  Where ya headed?

EMMA: Oh, back east…

BUCK: Huh…family back there?

EMMA: The only family I’ve got is the Marines!

All righty then.  Emma’s not too certain what she plans to do once she gets back East…but as she gives the living room a quick glance over she knows a group of helpless men when she sees one.

EMMA: You’re still living alone, huh?

BUCK: Well…uh…no…my daughter and her two boys are staying with me…she’s out of town right now…

EMMA: When did she leave—two years ago?

A nice little laugh-out-loud moment…it helps if you have an old pro like Wickes to deliver a line like that.  Emma gets a look at the kitchen, and witnesses Cotina’s resident Manchild failing miserably at his simple task of cleaning up.

BUCK: Oh, that’s Leroy B. Simpson…my hired hand…

“I’m so sorry…he’s from Barcelona…”  Buck introduces Emma to Leroy, who reacts with a salute that I did admittedly chuckle at.  “Carry on, Simpson,” she tells him—not realizing that there actually was a CBS pilot with that name that would have focused on the exploits of Leroy after he left the employ of the Webb family.  (Okay, I just made that up—I hope no one out in the audience is frightened by that thought.)

Emma observes that she got here just in the nick of time, and asks Buck where she can find the spare room—“Don’t be ashamed to ask a friend to help you,” she says to him.  “If ever a man needed help, it’s you.”  Buck is trying to stammer something along the lines that he doesn’t want to impose, and that’s when The Katzenjammer Kids come stumbling down the stairs, with Toby whining that Billy swiped his crayons or something.  “Share!” Emma barks at them, and when Nelson decides to return the barking compliment she orders the mutt to “Sit!”  (“If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon…you will be a minister of death praying for war…but until that day you are pukes…you are the lowest form of life on Earth…you are not even human f**king beings…you are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian sh*t!  Because I am hard, you will not like me…but the more you hate me, the more you will learn…I am hard but I am fair…”)

A dissolve finds Emma loudly blowing a whistle three times as Buck and the boys groggily make their way downstairs, with Nelson at their heels.  (Leroy also enters the house—he lives in the barn.)

EMMA: It’s o-six-hundred hours!

BUCK: O-six-hundred?  Is that any reason to get us up with the birds?

EMMA: You’ve gone soft, Buck…

“Well, that happens to men my age…the doc won’t give me a prescription…”

EMMA: In the old days, you’d have been out here on the double, riding herd on the cleanup detail…

BUCK: Clean?  Well…everything is clean…the house is looking good…why don’t we just let up a little?

EMMA: If I let up, you’ll let it get just as messy as it was after your daughter went to Phoenix…all right, people…move it…come on…

“As soon as your bunks are done, I want you two turds to clean the head…I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in and take a dump!”  Emma chases the kids upstairs, and Leroy sits down at the foot of the stairs to put on his boots.  He would like to lodge a complaint.

LEROY: Mr. Webb?  How long is that Miss Emma gonna work for us?

BUCK: She’s not working for us—she’s a houseguest!

LEROY: A guest?  She don’t act like a guest…she acts like she’s in charge!

BUCK: There’s only one person in charge around here…and that’s me!

LEROY: Does she know that?

BUCK: Well…she’s got her job…and I’ve got mine…

EMMA (entering the foyer from the kitchen): Breakfast in ten minutes!  Chipped beef, waffles and sweet-and-sour sauce!

Wow…the menu at Peking Waffle House!  (A spin-off franchise popular here down South.)

EMMA: Remember where we used to have breakfast like that, Buck?  Hong Kong…will you ever forget those days?  Me neither…and I’ll tell you something else…I remember the nights even more!  (Emma goes upstairs)

LEROY (after a pause): You…and the Marine?

Semper fi, Mr. Simpson.  “Haven’t you got somethin’ to do?” asks Buck irritably.  My guess it’s not eating breakfast…in fact, I’d be amazed if Leroy was ever able keep down food again.

There’s a dissolve to Billy and Toby’s room.  The Martin kids are clad in shirts and ties (good for a snicker) as Major Flood inspects their bunks.  She even successfully bounces a quarter off their bed, though she notes ‘that blanket could be a little tighter.”  (And a little less damp...but I digress.)

EMMA: Now then…have you dusted the books?

BILLY: They’re clean!

TOBY: We don’t read ‘em enough to get them dirty…

Emma insists on administering the white glove test…and the boys fail miserably.  “Get on that after breakfast,” she tells them sternly.

“Do we have to clean the glove, too?” asks Toby smart-assedly.  (“You little scumbag!  I got your name, I got your ass!  You will not laugh, you will not cry…you will learn by the numbers, I will teach you…now get up, get on your feet…you had best unf**k yourself or I will unscrew your head and sh*t down your neck!”)

Emma also points out that one of the boys has not folded his socks correctly (“That’s two demerits,” she admonishes them) and demonstrates the proper procedure in the creasing of footwear.  “Okay, you can hit the chow line now,” she tells them.

There’s a dissolve to the barn, where we find Buck banging on a shovel on an anvil—presumably to straighten it out, I suppose.  It doesn’t make much sense—particularly since he tells Leroy he’s planning to throw it away—but it’s pretty much business for him to do while the two of them have this conversation:

LEROY (looking at his watch): It’s almost eighteen-hundred hours…

BUCK: So?

LEROY: Well…the Major’s gonna be expectin’ us to dinner…

BUCK: Yeah…I don’t think I’m gonna go in…

“Neither am I…especially after that 'Hong Kong' story this morning.”  Okay, I’m just kidding about that—the real reason why neither man wants to go inside for evening chow is that even though Emma is a good cook (well…from what I’ve heard about food in the service, I’d dispute that) they’ve grown weary of her rules.  “My stomach can’t enjoy eatin’ while the rest of me is sittin’ at attention,” Leroy explains.

But Leroy had the foresight to sneak out a sandwich…which he pulls out of his denim jacket and starts to tuck in.  (Color me amazed.)  He also smuggled out a second sandwich, which he shares with Buck.  Seconds later, Billy and Toby arrive in the barn with the dog; they’re offered a bite of sandwich but they decline.  They’re late getting home from school because they’ve been whiling away their copious kid time at the library.

BUCK: Library, huh?  You workin’ on a project?

BILLY: No…it’s quiet there…

TOBY: And the librarian doesn’t blow a whistle at us…

BILLY: Or make us do K.P…

TOBY: Or make us fold our underwear in squares…

The kids want to know when Emma is going to leave, so the bad dreams will stop.  “Well, you see, fellas,” explains Leroy, “the Major is an old girlfriend of your Grandpa’s and it makes it kind of hard for him.”

“You ever kiss her, Grandpa?” Billy asks.  And then Buck is persuaded to tell a few stories that guarantee the bad dreams won’t stop anytime soon.  Okay, I’m just funning again—but Buck acknowledges that Major Flood has worn out her welcome and that action is needed.

TOBY: I know!  Maybe if we tell her the house is haunted she’ll leave!

BUCK: That’s a good idea, Tobe…but I don’t think there’s a ghost alive that would scare Emma Flood…

LEROY: No…she’d probably just make him wear clean sheets…

Leroy and the boys decide that since Buck is fearless and “is not a-scared of anything” he should be the one to tell Emma to hit the bricks.  So Buck is determined to fish or cut bait.

BUCK: Major…I think it’s time you and me had a little talk…

EMMA: Oh, sure…just as soon as I get these pies out of the oven…

That Emma is one crafty dame!  And they’re not ordinary pies…they’re blueberry—Buck’s favorite.

BUCK: I wish you hadn’t gone to all that trouble…

EMMA: Oh, when you like doing for somebody it’s never any trouble…

BUCK: Well…what I mean is…you been workin’ pretty hard around here…

EMMA: Well, what else would I be doing if I weren’t working?

BUCK: Well…you…talked about going East…

And that’s when Major Flood comes clean with Laird Webb.  There’s nothing for Emma back East—she’ll just wind up lonely, living with a buttload of cats.  “That’s why I appreciate so much you letting me help out here.”

If he were to give his ol’ squeeze the bum’s rush Buck would never be able to look at himself in the mirror in the mornings again.  (Of course, since he has a beard he doesn’t do much shaving to begin with.)  He’s going to have to let Doris tell the old dame to go, and she’ll get started on that right after the commercial.

Back from the break, Doris has triumphantly returned from Phoenix…and she enters the house with a cheerful “Yoo-hoo!”  From out of nowhere, she is swarmed by her kids, her dog and handyman Leroy—who greet her with a ferocity unknown in TV sitcoms.

BILLY: We got a new housekeeper…she blows a whistle…

DORIS: You got a what?

TOBY: Yeah—she makes us fold our socks!

BILLY: Yeah…and comb our hair and shine our shoes…

“And the twenty-mile runs…oh, Mom—it’s terrible!”  Since both her rugrats insist on talking in unison, Doris asks Leroy to explain just what the H-E-double hockey sticks is going on—and that’s when he gives her the lowdown on Major Emma.  “She’s a killer,” he volunteers, and further expounds that she’s been filling in for Juanita until her return (which is apparently tomorrow).  Buck then jogs downstairs to greet “the prodigal daughter” as well.

DORIS: Look…before you say one word…could you please explain the lady Marine?

(All of them start talking at the same time, Emma then enters the foyer from the kitchen)

EMMA: You must be Mrs. Martin!  I’ve heard so much about you—I’m Emma Flood…

BUCK: Emma and I were in the service together!  Old friends, you know…

EMMA: Your father was my good right hand…

Whatever you do, Dor…don’t mention “Hong Kong.”  Emma explains that she agreed to pitch in because a house tends to fall apart without a woman’s touch.  “Was the house falling apart?” she asks her family.

“Well…if you ask me,” begins Leroy.  “Nobody asked ya!” retorts Buck, shutting off further debate.

Doris thanks Emma for taking care of “her menfolk,” and as The Major goes back into the kitchen Leroy and the boys head upstairs to wash up for chow.  “If we don’t, we get demerits,” explains Billy.  Doris and Buck then have a heart-to-heart on Emma’s situation—how the Marines retired her, she had no place to go, and now she’s taken over the House of Webb.

DORIS: Did you tell her about Juanita?

BUCK: No…

DORIS: Well, she comes home tomorrow!

“Not if we place a call to La Migra…”  Both of them acknowledge that they’re in trouble, and the stillness is broken with the shrill sound of Emma’s whistle.  “Eighteen-hundred hours,” explains Buck.  “Dinner.”  The kids, Leroy and Nelson come racing down the stairs.  “Listen now—you’d better get your coat off and get in line,” Buck tells his daughter.

There is then a dissolve to Doris and Emma bonding doing the washing-up—Dor compliments Major Flood on the chow, and confesses she had two pieces of blueberry pie.  (Doris!  You carefree spirit, you!)  It’s here that we learn that Emma is hitting the road in the morning—now that Doris has returned, it’s best that she was on her way.  She’s going to Cleveland, where the only remaining member of her family is a married cousin that she hasn’t been in contact with in twenty years; Doris, thinking about the unappetizing prospect of anyone moving to Cleveland, asks Emma if she has any old pictures of her father…little realizing that she’s this close to opening up that Hong Kong can of worms again.  As Emma heads off to find her scrapbook, Doris gets on the telephone…and finds herself talking to a “Colonel Brock.”  She reminds him of the meeting they had last week, and reveals that she “might have the solution to your problem.”  (Quel intrigue!)

Doris, Buck and Emma are poring over her old scrapbook when the doorbell rings.  When Doris answers it, we meet the second of our two special guests this week…

Yes, it’s Willis “Bill” Bouchey—who’s no stranger to Mayberry Mondays fans.  He played the high school principal in “Driver Education”…

…a Reverend in “The Church Bell”…

…and a wealthy Mayberryian who inexplicably allows Goober to house-sit in “Goober, the Housekeeper.” 

(By the way—the first two screen captures are from the new Mayberry R.F.D.: The Complete First Season DVD set.)  What’s so hilarious about Bouchey’s character in this Doris Day episode is that after welcoming him into the house, Dor remarks “You know my father”…to which the Brock character replies “Of course…good evening, Martin.”  Apparently he does not know her father answers to “Buck.”  This little continuity boo-boo is compounded by the fact that in the closing credits…

…Bouchey is referred to as “Colonel Forsythe.”  Wackiness!  Well, let’s not let all this detain us from the conclusion to our playlet.  Colonel John Brock is introduced to Emma, who snaps to attention in his presence.  Brock is the director of the Foxwood Military Academy, so you know everything is going to work out dandy.

BROCK: Are you still in the service, Major?

EMMA: No, Colonel…

DORIS: Uh…Miss Flood retired…just retired…

BROCK: Really?  I don’t suppose there’s any chance you might be remaining in this area?

EMMA: I was planning to go to Cleveland, sir…

BROCK: Oh…well, that’s too bad…I could use an administrator like you at Foxwood…someone with real rank and experience…someone with plenty of push…

DORIS: Oh—that sounds interesting!

Oh, Dodo…you clever little minx!  So Emma is going to be in charge of the Foxwood cadets—“Four hundred…all gung-ho,” explains Colonel Brock—and she can be ready that evening, because “I travel light.”  Doris then has a strange line: “Colonel, we’re fresh out of champagne—but we have coffee.”  Really?  Who’s been at the bubbly?  The kids?  Leroy?  Nelson?  If it’s Emma, maybe having her administrate at Foxwood isn’t such a hot idea after all.  As Emma goes upstairs to grab her gear, Brock says, beaming: “Now that is my kind of woman!”  (The safe word is “Hong Kong," Colonel.)

Doris, Emma and Buck say their goodbyes; Buck tells Emma to keep in touch, which shouldn’t be too hard since the Academy is only fifteen miles away.  As she leaves, she says to Leroy: “Shape up, Simpson—I’ll be back to check you out.”  Run fast, run far, Leroy.

LEROY (as the Foxwood Academy van pulls away): I sure feel sorry for those kids over at that military school…

BUCK: Well, it’s either them or us…

Oh, come on, fellas…it’s not like she made you run the obstacle course with full pack while pinning you down under a withering crossfire.  (Though that might have been snipped out of this episode in the syndication edits.)

LEROY: Wasn’t it lucky that Colonel Brock just happened to drop by tonight?

Leroy…you know nothing of Doris’ phenomenal Mom powers…you silly, twisted boy.  There’s not much of a coda on this one—Juanita has finally returned, and she complains to Doris that the boys are still in bed (they’re going to miss out on chocolate chip pancakes—at least that’s what I think Doris is stirring in the mixing bowl) and won’t get up for any reason.  So Doris marches upstairs and, upon entering their room, loudly blows a whistle that Major Emma left with her for safekeeping.  (Toby will soon be greeted by that old bedwetting problem again, I’m guessing.)

Buck also comes rushing into the bedroom to find out what the commotion is all about and Doris explains that she inherited the whistle as a souvenir “from an old buddy.”  “Thank heavens,” he returns.  “I thought the Marines had landed again.”  (Oy…close sesame…)

Next time on Doris Day(s)…the writers of the show decide that our heroine needs a little male companionship—something that didn’t go so well the last time the subject was broached in “The Matchmakers.”  You know I’d never lie to you good people unless it would result in handsomely rich rewards for myself…but this episode is pretty stinky though you will get to see Doris pretend she’s drunk—that should be good for a laugh or two.  The guest star is a familiar 60s sitcom face who starred in such clunkers as Bringing Up Buddy, The Cara Williams Show and It’s About Time—be sure to join us here for “The Flyboy” on the next Doris Day(s).  Que sera, sera…