Doris Day(s) #19: “The Tournament” (02/18/69, prod. no #8530)

Previously on Doris Day(s)—in the episode “Buck’s Girl,” to be precise—we were introduced to Cotina’s veterinarian-in-residence, “Doc” Carpenter, played by character veteran Walter Sande.  In that episode, Doc and Buck Webb (Denver Pyle)—laird and master of stately Webb Farms—compete with one another for the affections of smokin’ hot manicurist Verna McIntosh (played by Kay Stewart, the show’s dialogue coach) because they’re both lonely, horny old men.  In the end, Buck graciously steps aside to allow his old chum a little manicurist happy-ever-after…though I strongly suspect Verna might have turned down Buck’s proposal of marriage when she realized she would have to spend a lot of time around his idiot grandsons.  (That was probably edited out for syndication.)

As this week’s episode commences, Buck and Doc are entertaining themselves with a game of horseshoes because the Cotina Town Symphony concerts don’t start up again until the fall.  Okay, I’m just snarking about that—actually, they’re in competition for a yearly horseshoe pitching contest because this is a pastime common in rural areas (they did this on Petticoat Junction one time, in an outing entitled “The Ringer”).

DOC: I tell ya—I got it this year…I just got the feeling that we’re goin’ to win the whole thing this year…

BUCK: Yeah…we’d won it last year if Burt hadn’t hit that lucky streak… (Chuckling) You know, I still think we should have demanded the slide test…

I’m gonna have to agree with you there, Buckaroo.  Everybody in Cotina knows that Burt was taking “the clear.”  Elsewhere on the property, handyman Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton) is washing windows—I guess the family’s domestic Juanita (Naomi Stevens) doesn’t do them—and conversing with Juanita and her boss, the Widder Martin (Doris), as the two women prepare refreshments.

LEROY: Boy, that lemonade sure looks good, Juanita…

DORIS (laughing): I think you’ve got a customer…

Hey…on the salary Doris is paying her, girlfriend’s got to make ends meet however she can.  Doris pours Leroy a generous glass of Country Time, and then hands him a tray with two more glasses and a pitcher to take out to Buck and Doc.

DORIS: Take it easy now, Leroy—you know they’re practicing…so don’t disturb them…

LEROY: Oh, you know me, Miz Martin…

And there’s the familiar Doris side-eye.  Well, you good people have seen enough of this show to know that Leroy can’t help but imitate Goober Pyle—he brings the lemonade to Buck and Doc, and in the process makes enough noise to constantly throw Buck off his concentration.  Finally, Buck tells Leroy to do something productive (ha!) like feed the chickens…and when the sound of Leroy’s putting seed in a metal can causes Buck to explode with a Gildersleeve-like “Leroy!” the farmhand slams down the feed bin cover…right on Doc’s hand.  (Good thing he’s got a wife at home.)

BUCK (too scared to look): Pitchin’ hand?

DOC (resignedly grasping his hand in pain): Yeah…

Leroy then beats a somewhat amusing hasty retreat, spreading out seed and calling “Here chick chick chick chick” as he falls over his feet and into a nearby rocking chair.  I have to be honest here—I’m not entirely sure why Doc would have his hand so near to the feed bin in the first place (which was also positioned behind him).  I think we need to assign most of the blame to him, not Leroy.  But, for the purposes of this episode, Buck doesn’t see it that way…he takes out his frustrations on a piece of leather in the barn in the next scene.

DORIS: Worse things have happened, you know…

BUCK: Sure…and Leroy’s been involved in all of them…only this time, he outdid himself…

Oh, Leroy…will you ever win?

BUCK: He cost me a partner…

DORIS: I think you should just be grateful that Doc didn’t break his hand…

BUCK: That’s about the only thing we can be grateful for…but don’t tell Leroy—he’ll try again…

DORIS: Oh, come on…you make him sound like Calamity Jane…

That’s just silly, Doris.  Everyone knows you’re Calamity Jane.  (“Once I had a secret love/That lived within the heart of me…”)  Doris suggests to Buck that he get a new partner—none other than Doris Martin, Esquire.  As it turns out, Doris was a one-time Cotina Grammar School horseshoe champion…though she won that title in eighth grade, so it’s been a while.  Buck argues that she’s too rusty to get back in the pitching competition, but Doris stubbornly tells him that she’s going to start practicing and get that old magic back.  I did chuckle at the screen cap below—she hands Buck the paintbrush that she’s been using to paint a chair in this scene, brush end first.

A scene shift finds Doris making good on her promise; she starts tossing a few shoes as her sons Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke) look on.  “What school was that, Mom?” asks the older, smart-assed one.

“Cotina…same one you go to,” Doris replies, throwing another horseshoe.  Billy is skeptical about her story, but she explains “Of course, if you don’t keep it up…you get rusty.”  (That’s what she said.) 

Inside the house, Buck is on the telephone—trying to scare up another partner at the last minute with miserable results.  Because it’s a one-sided conversation, we’ll skip over the particulars except to point out that the chat closes with Buck repeating something his friend “Eddie” apparently says on his end of the phone: “Always a bridesmaid…ha ha…”  Buck hangs up the phone and dismisses Eddie with a Bob Newhart-like “Same to you, fella.”

Doris continues practicing, and one of the tossed horseshoes lands near Leroy, who is pounding the fence with a hammer.  (I was going to say “fixing the fence,” but I know better than that.)  When Doris asks Leroy if he can heave it back to her, he picks up the shoe and goes through a ridiculously cartoonish wind-up motion before he lets it fly…then a comical whizzing sound can be heard on the soundtrack as Leroy scores a perfect ringer.

Doris and Sons are flummoxed.  Dor asks Leroy if he can do it again, which he does (with the same wind-up and whizzing sounds) after Doris maneuvers Nelson the Swiped Sheepdog (Lord Nelson) out of the way.  Leroy winds up scoring another ringer.  And another.  And another.  Leroy, it would seem, is some sort of horseshoe savant.

DORIS: Leroy!  Where did you ever learn to do anything like that?!!

LEROY: Oh, I could always hit whatever I throwed at…

DORIS: I’ve never seen anything like it!

(Leroy looks embarrassed)

TOBY: Is he better than the kids in the eighth grade, Mom?

Well, he should be—he’s had four years to practice.  Doris proclaims Leroy to be a champion…and what’s more, he’s going to be Buck’s partner in the tournament.  “Oh, gosh, Miz Martin,” Leroy says sheepishly, “I don’t think Mr. Webb would like that very much.”

“He hasn’t seen you pitch!” proclaims Doris, as she orders Billy and Toby to go inside and collect their grandpa so that he might witness Leroy’s phenomenal horseshoe prowess.

BILLY: We’ve got a new horseshoe partner for ya!

TOBY: He’s real great!

BUCK: Yeah?  Who?

BILLY: Leroy!

“What have I told you two kids about chewing on that strange patch of grass out there behind the chicken coop?”  Buck is understandably skeptical, but he agrees to accompany young William and Tobias out to the yard.

LEROY (with a wave of his hand): Hey there, Mr. Webb…

BUCK: Leroy…

LEROY: I ain’t seen ya in a couple of days…

BUCK: Be glad…

Yes, I did laugh out loud at that.  Doris tells him “Pitch it, Leroy!”  So Leroy goes into his little wind-up stance again but before he can throw Buck asks him “What are you doin’?”

“This is the way I throw,” explains Leroy, embarrassed.  Buck walks away and in the direction of the house…but stops when he hears Leroy’s shoe hit the stake.

BILLY: He made a ringer, Grandpa!

BUCK: Well, I saw it…anybody can make one ringer…

Doris hands Leroy another shoe, and as Buck is telling his grandson “I wouldn’t have Leroy as a partner if he’s the last…” Clang!  Leroy makes another ringer.  “Well…if you boys insist,” Buck says with a change of heart.

BUCK: Where’d you learn to throw like that?

LEROY: Back home…on my daddy’s farm…

BUCK: No, I mean that crazy wind-up…

LEROY: My daddy taught it to me…do you want me to change it?

BUCK: Oh, no!  No…don’t change a thing…

Doris hands Leroy yet another shoe, and Leroy continues his pitching dominance.  (Which raises an excellent point—if Leroy “could always hit what I throwed at,” what in the name of Major League Baseball is he doing slopping hogs instead of working on his E.R.A?)  Another ringa!

DORIS (to Buck): What do you think?

BUCK (extending his hand to Leroy): Partner!

Aww…group hug, everybody!  The scene then fades so that Ralston-Purina can pay the bills, and as Act Two gets underway we find Buck on the telephone talking to a party that’s eventually revealed to be Doc Carpenter, bragging on his boy Leroy.  “Of course, he’s got the craziest wind-up you ever saw…but it’s just one ringer after another!”  Buck urges Doc to get over to the ranch right away because “you’ve got to see it to believe it!”

A scene shift finds Leroy in his room in the barn, exercising his arm.  Okay, before you start pushing one another aside to be the first to the comments section, I will provide the screen cap:

Doris knocks on the door, and Leroy takes time out from pumping iron to open it…she enters with a lunch tray, joshing “Hot off the training table for the champion!”

DORIS: Beef broth, liver…and a raw vegetable salad…

What—no Napoleons?

DORIS: Now eat…

LEROY: Liver…

DORIS: Yeah…the coach says it puts iron in your arm… (She nudges him in the shoulder) Oooh…

LEROY: Well…I’ll do my best…I sure don’t want to disappoint Mr. Webb…

DORIS: Leroy…disappoint him…well, you made it possible for him to enter this tournament!  I’m grateful to you…

LEROY: Shucks, Miz Martin…I’m just glad I can do somethin’ that makes him happy…

Doris reminds Leroy to eat every bit of the splendid repast that she’s sat before him, and that Buck will probably want to practice again that afternoon.  When Doris exits, Leroy grabs the piece of liver and offers it to Nelson…who sniffs it, licks it, and then runs off as if to say “I don’t think so, sh*tkicker.”

The scene then changes to Doc pulling up in his jeep in front of Webb Manor, and he toots his horn to get Buck’s attention.  Buck comes running out of the house and starts yelling for Leroy.  “Wait ‘til you see this,” he tells Doc.  “And you’re not going to believe it even after you see it!”

BUCK (as Leroy emerges from the barn): Well, there he is—the best goldanged horseshoe pitcher in the country…

Buck!  You watch your phraseology!

DOC: Well, I hear you’re really something, Leroy…

LEROY: Aw…thank you, Doc…way they treat me around here, you’d think I was the world’s champion or somethin’…

BUCK: Uh, Leroy…come on…let’s throw a few for the Doc, okay?

As Buck sets up the horseshoes, Leroy is thoughtful enough to ask Doc how his hand is.  (“Hurts like a son of bitch, Leroy…thanks for asking.”)  So Leroy throws three shoes in a row, and never misses a ringer to Doc’s astonishment.  “Buck,” he says quietly, “I’m going to miss being with you this year.”

BUCK: …and I got a place all picked out for that trophy…right in the middle of my mantle, where everybody can see it…

DOC: Ohhh…

LEROY: Mr. Webb… (Chuckling) What if we don’t win?

“Then one of us is going to be walking along the Cotina Expressway, hitchhikin’.  And since I own the damn place that should narrow down the candidates some.”

BUCK (after staring at him for a moment): What do you mean?

LEROY: Well…I mean…I’m sure we will…but…what if we don’t?

BUCK: Don’t even think that way, boy!  I’m…I’m countin’ on you!  We gotta win!  And I know you’re not gonna let me down…

Buck has apparently forgotten that Leroy managed to crush the metacarpals and phalanges of the right hand on his best friend through the simple act of closing the cover on a feed bin.  Buck tells Leroy just to keep on practicing, then turns to Doc and says “I’ll buy you a cup of coffee” as they both start toward the house.  (I guess that lemonade concession isn’t working out too well for Juanita.)

Buck’s “win or go home” attitude unnerves Leroy a little, but it’s reinforced further when Toby the Idiot Boy watches Leroy as he practices.

TOBY: How’s the arm?

LEROY: Oh, first-rate, Toby…first-rate…

TOBY: You ever been in a tournament before, Leroy?

LEROY: Nope!  (He tosses a horseshow with his wind-up, and scores a ringer)

TOBY: I bet it’s scary…

LEROY: Why should they be scary?

TOBY: I don’t know…

“I like cheese!”

LEROY: Well, what’s the diff’rence between throwin’ ringers here or throwin’ them for the championship?

TOBY: I guess you’re right… (Leroy throws another ringer) I sure hope you don’t miss in the tournament…

Leroy throws a third shoe…and his streak of ringers is broken.  Speaking of broken, Toby is concerned that if Leroy should miss in the tournament, “it sure would break Grandpa’s heart.”  Leroy pitches another shoe…and it lands on top of the yard fence.

“If you missed…he would probably kill you,” says the cheese-loving spawn.  And that’s when Leroy nervously pitches a shoe right through the dining room window, where it lands smack dab in a pie that Buck and Doc are having with their coffee.  (I bet Juanita throws in the coffee if they pay for pie.) 

Buck runs over to the window and starts yelling at Toby: “You quit playin’ with those horseshoes—they’re too heavy for ya!”  “I didn’t throw it,” wails Toby.  “Leroy did!”  Leroy, standing around like a doofus, is unable to bring his arm down to his side. 

Buck turns to Doc.  “Leroy?” he asks.  “Uh-oh,” Doc returns, as the two of them run out to the yard. 

BUCK: What happened, boy?

LEROY: Well…I don’t know, Mr. Webb…my arm locked and I lost my control!

DORIS (running up): What happened?

DOC: Oh, Leroy threw a horseshoe through the window…

DORIS: Through the…?  Oh, Leroy…

“I guess the ol’ machinery’s breaking down,” Leroy whines as he futilely tries to keep his arm at his side.  He apologizes profusely to Buck, who announces solemnly “There goes the horseshoe tournament.”  Damn it, Leroy…this is why we can’t have nice things.

Doris places a large rock in Leroy’s right hand, which adds enough heft so that his arm is by his side again.  But it’s clear to all that psychosomatic magic has worked its charms on the idiot farmhand, and he feels just terrible about letting Buck down.

DORIS: Well, it’s not your fault—for heaven’s sake…

LEROY: Well…to tell you the truth…this thing’s been buildin’ up inside of me…I can’t sleep nights, and my stomach’s all tied up in knots…

Might be your liver and beef broth diet, Leroy.  I’m just sayin’…

LEROY: …and when Toby said what he did…well…it was just the last straw…

DORIS: Toby?  What did he say?

LEROY: Well…just before I threw that horseshoe through the window…he said that if we didn’t win the tournament…well…Mr. Webb will probably kill me…

“Oh…I thought he might have said something to upset you.  Because, yeah, I can see my father doing that.”  Doris sends Leroy to his room, which will allow me to cut to the quick on this thing.  She explains to Buck that he’s put so much pressure on Leroy that the stiff arm is all in his head—just an ailment he developed in order to get out of the tournament.

DORIS: He sure thinks the world and all of you, you know…I think he’d do anything for you…

BUCK (quietly, after a pause): Seems like I’m the one that’s been lettin’ him down instead of the other way around…

DORIS: Well, he’s pretty miserable…I know that…

BUCK: Why don’t I go out and have a talk with him…?

Buckley, my man…you’re one of the good ones!  Buck goes out to Leroy’s crib and after asking him if his arm is any better, explains to him that he’s kind of glad about the situation.  Not that Leroy’s hand is messed up, you understand, but that he’s relieved that he won’t “have to compete for that dang trophy.”  (Language, Buck…)

LEROY: Well, I thought you wanted it real bad…

That’s what she said.  (Okay, I’ll stop now.)

BUCK: Well, yeah…but…sometimes you can want somethin’ so bad that it just gets blown plumb out of proportion…

LEROY: Yes, sir…

BUCK: Now take that trophy for instance…I made winnin’ that so important that…well, I just…well, I had to flat out lose…

Buck is pretty effective at turning all this around on himself; Leroy is now upset that Buck was convinced they might lose.  “You know,” Buck muses, “there’s only one thing I’m sorry about—and that’s that all those people won’t get a chance to see what a good horseshoe pitcher you are.”  As he continues his halftime locker room spiel, Buck notices that Leroy is tossing Doris’ rock from one hand to the other.

Buck goes back to the house to find Doris at the dining room table, puttering around with a toaster.  It would appear that Buck had promised to fix it for her sometime back but really had no intention of doing so; the entire scene is pretty dull but I only mention it here because the broken appliance made me wistfully think of those halcyon days of Mayberry Mondays and the hours whiled away at the humble establishment known as Emmett’s Fix-It Shop.  The writers of this particular Doris Day Show episode were Dick Bensfield and Perry Grant; it would be their second and last contribution to the series (their other collaboration was the premiere episode, “Dinner for Mom”) because they were pretty busy concocting wacky plots for R.F.D. at the time (they would eventually pen 33 scripts for that show, more than any other writer or writing team).  Bensfield and Grant also wrote for such classic sitcoms as The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet (probably their best-known gig), The Partridge Family, The Odd Couple and One Day at a Time.  The team were also responsible for creating one of the worst TV series of all time—the dismal Hello, Larry starring future Doris Day Show cast member McLean Stevenson.  Their last project was the Marla Gibbs laugh riot 227 (on which they were also executive producers); Perry left this world for a better one in 2004 but Dick will celebrate his 88th birthday this June.

Anyway—since the sheer inanity of this episode is starting to get to me—Buck explains to Doris that he told Leroy he’s not interested in the silly old tournament because it dawned on him in mid-conversation that it really doesn’t matter a great deal in the grand scheme of life.  But Buck’s philosophical “screw-the-contest” pep talk has the opposite effect on Leroy—he tells Doris he’s worried that Buck might be afraid of entering the contest (after Doris notices that Leroy’s arm has healed) and so it’s his turn to give him a little rah-rah.

LEROY: Mr. Webb…life’s a funny thing…if a man can’t get up in the mornin’ and look hisself in the mirror…why…he just as well stay in bed…

DORIS: He’s right…

LEROY: …a man can’t be ruled by fear…you take a bronc rider…now, he gets throwed…uh…he’s gotta get right back on before he gets chicken…

BUCK: Bronc rider?  Now wait a minute, Leroy…

DORIS: Or a horseshoe player…or…

BUCK (realization kicks in): Oh…oh, yeah…yeah…

DORIS: Uh…Leroy told me how nervous you were about playing in the tournament…

LEROY: She bein’ your daughter, I figured it would be okay…

BUCK: Oh, yeah—that was all right…

Leroy then goes on to parrot precisely what Buck told him earlier in his room, namely that “the fun is in the playin’” and that if they don’t win—“They can’t hang us for it, can they?”  (Oh, just let me dream, Leroy…just let me dream.)

To make a long episode short (though it might be a little bit late for that), Leroy’s arm is all better and he’s ready to partner with Buck in the contest.  And it appears that Buck fixed the toaster…well, that is until a slice of toast goes sailing to the ceiling, producing one more side-eye from Doris…

If I downed a shot every time Doris did that, I’d probably pass out and never remember any of these episodes.  (Not a bad idea, now that I think about it.)

Coda time: The family are gathered around the mantle oohing and ahhing over the trophy—and Billy asks “Where’s Leroy’s?”  (This is not like your T-Ball league, where everybody gets a freakin’ blue ribbon, son.)  The trophy, it’s explained, belongs to both men…yet Buck insists on sharing all the glory with his handyman, who waves him away in embarrassment.

BILLY: Wait till next year!

DORIS: Yeah, that’ll be the greatest—boy!

LEROY: What about next year?

DORIS: Well, you and Grandpa are the defending champs, Leroy!

BUCK: Sure!  You think the pressure was on us this year…next year will really be tough!

Cue the problem with Leroy’s arm again!  (“I’m warning you, Dobbs!”)  The family help the incapacitated Leroy to the couch, and I take a drink without seeing Doris’ side-eye.

Next time on Doris Day(s)—the show apparently couldn’t get Strother Martin to reprise his role as “Tyrone Lovey” for a third time, so they settle for a substitute in another veteran character actor (whom some of you might remember as “Perkins” in the Spin & Marty serials on The Mickey Mouse Club) to pinch-hit.  It’s the not-at-all-uproarious-in-the-slightest “Love Thy Neighbor”…and while I’m thinking about it—apologies for not getting a chapter of Big Gubmint Agents vs. Phantom Legion up on Saturday, but the CMBA Blogathon took longer than I had planned.  (It will return on the next Serial Saturdays.)