Doris Day(s) #21: “The Con Man” (03/11/69, prod. no #8533)

We’re back—did you miss us?  Of course you did!  It’s Doris Freaking Day(s)!  And there are big doin’s in this week’s episode, which starts off with a bath for Nelson the Purloined Pooch (Lord Nelson), administered by none other than the Widder Martin (Doris) and her father, laird and master of Rancho Webb-o, Buck Webb (Denver Pyle).  Their topic of conversation as they rid Nels of his flea and tick problem is how to approach a committee chaired by Doris with the idea of a community center for Cotina.

DORIS: Look…if there’s any possible chance of getting a community center built we have to take it!  Now I mean it!  Look at all the letters we’ve been getting…from that cattlemen’s convention…and that touring theatre guild and…and…what was it?  The Philharmonic concert…

BUCK: Sure, sure…

DORIS: They all want to come here!

At the risk of giving anything away—though the title of this episode is pretty much a spoiler warning in itself—why any of these mildly important groups would want to visit a town with little else but a “Pizza Pagoda” should be a tip off that something’s not quite kosher.  (Foreshadowing!)

DORIS: …that’s exactly why I want to listen to what this Mr. Flanders has to say…

Ned Flanders?  Okely dokely do!

BUCK: Doris…now wait a minute…it’s a matter of money…now that committee of yours is not about to spend a dollar unless they can see five dollars coming back…

I see the GOP has made some inroads into Cotina…

DORIS: Well, it’s time for a change…and we’re gonna bloody well do something about it!

Doris!  You watch your phraseology!  Doris’ faithful domestic, Juanita (Naomi Stevens), enters the barn to let her mistress know Mr. Flanders has arrived early…and because Dor feels she looks a fright, she saddles Juanita with the task of finishing Nelson’s bath while she and Buck go and greet their guest.  Normally, Juanita is not given much to do in the comedy department, but I did chuckle at her warning Nelson not to shake after his wash (“Okay, kid…don’t shake”) and the dog pretty much deciding he’ll do what he’ll damn well please anyway.

And outside the barn, here’s our special guest this week—Joseph Campanella!  (Joe is still with us, by the way, having celebrated his 89th birthday last November 21.)  As I hinted last week, I grew up remembering Campanella for his recurring role as Ed Cooper, the ex-husband of Ann Romano (Bonnie Franklin) on the long-running sitcom One Day at a Time (and I’m not surprised she divorced him—he was a jerk)…but he also had stints on the first season of Mannix (as Lew Wickersham, the head of Intertect), the “Lawyers” segment of the rotation series The Bold Ones (1969-72), the first season of the short-lived Dynasty spin-off, The Colbys (as Hutch Corrigan) and roles in such daytime dramas as Days of Our Lives and The Bold and the Beautiful.  You could probably place a bet that you could randomly turn on your TV set to an old series and stand a pretty good chance he’s guest-starring in the episode—that’s how long his boob tube resume is.

By the way, I should warn ya—this Roger B. Flanders guy is slicker than whale sh*t on an ice flow.

DORIS: Excuse the way we’re dressed…

BUCK: Yeah, we were just washing the dog…

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

FLANDERS: Well, I know what that entails…hey—this is a fantastic spread you have here…I couldn’t help admiring your cattle on the way in…

“In fact, if I were still in my former line of work I’d probably rustle a few…”  Doris and Buck exchange a little more boring small talk with their new friend, and Dor invites him in for a cold drink.  Flanders asks Buck to help him carry a large item into the house—and reveals it to be this…

FLANDERS: The architectural design is ideally suited for small towns…and can easily serve as a combined community center… (Lifting the lid) A theater in the round…concert auditorium…convention hall…

“Abattoir…”

FLANDERS: …well, you name it…

DORIS (gasping): That’s an ingenious plan, isn’t it?

BUCK: It sure is…

DORIS: Did you design that, Mr. Flanders?

FLANDERS: Yes, I did…

“Yes…I am awesome…”

BUCK: Boy…Cotina has been needin’ somethin’ like this for a long time…

DORIS (sipping some lemonade): You said it…

BUCK: Can’t you just see that sittin’ down there in the square?

“Right by the Tastee-Freeze?”

FLANDERS: Well, it’s possible…it’s been done before…

DORIS: You don’t know my committee…

BUCK: They’re a little slow…

“Precisely the reason why I’m here!”  Doris also points out that the membership is a bit conservative, while Buck suggests “penny-pinching” might be a better turn of phrase.  Flanders counters that he has a great deal of experience fleecing the rubes persuading closed minds, and he’d like the opportunity to discuss it with them.  And with a simple dissolve, Doris makes it happen.

As Doris calls the meeting to order, I thought we’d introduce a few familiar character faces in her committee…

…you can’t see the gentleman in the back too well, but he’s billed as “Councilman”—and has appeared on the program before in a brief bit as a painter at the end of the episode “The Relatives.”  Give it up for Bard Stevens, everyone!  To his left (our right) is Dodie Warren as “Committeewoman #3”—Warren’s acting credits, according to the (always reliable) IMDb, include such films as Divorce American Style (1967) and Maryjane (1968); the IMDb also reveals (if we are to believe their insistence on comprehensive accuracy) that she later became a makeup artist, working on such sitcoms as Amen and Night Court.

In the foreground on the left, in the role of “Committeewoman #2,” is Evelyn King—whose IMDb resume includes classic film favorites such as A Guide for the Married Man (1967) and Scream, Evelyn, Scream! (1970)…in which she does, in fact, play a character named Evelyn.  That leaves Committeewoman #1 on the right…but actress-show dialogue coach Kay Stewart really should have been billed as “Verna McIntosh-Carpenter” because she’s reprising the same role—the manicurist who marries Buck’s BFF Doc Carpenter (Walter Sande)—she played in the earlier “Buck’s Girl.”

They don’t acknowledge it as such in the credits—but if you listen closely in a scene at the end of “The Con Man,” you’ll hear Buck say “Say hello to Doc.”

On the other couch, starting at the left is actor James Milhollin, one of those oh-so-familiar TV faces even when you can’t quite come up with his name.  Around Castle Yesteryear, he’s best remembered as the haughty department store supervisor in the classic Twilight Zone episode “The After Hours”…but his movie resume includes such favorites as No Time for Sergeants (1958), Zotz! (1962) and The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1965).  Milhollin answers to “Horace Burkhart” in this Dodo episode.

In the middle, in the role of crotchety Jed Anslinger, is character veteran Peter Brocco—Brocco made the guest star rounds of a number of television favorites (I’ve seen him as a waiter in a few Burns & Allen repeats) and played any number of small parts in classic movies such as The Reckless Moment (1949), Champagne for Caesar (1950) and His Kind of Woman (1951).  (By the oddest of coinky-dinks, I caught him as a wino in 1950’s The Killer That Stalked New York the other day.) 

The lady to Brocco’s left is a far more familiar television face; that’s Madge Blake, whose boob tube immortality was cemented playing “Aunt Harriet Cooper” on the TV version of Batman (1966-68).  She also played Flora MacMichael, sister to George (Andy Clyde) on The Real McCoys (the MacMichaels were the McCoys’ neighbors); and the smothery, overprotective Margaret Mondello (mother of Beaver Cleaver chum Larry) on Leave it to Beaver.  (This Doris Day Show appearance as “Mrs. Harty,” if the IMDb is to be believed, was Blake’s second-to-last show bidness gig.)

Now that the introductions are out of the way, leave us return to the action of this mesmerizing episode!

DORIS: First, I’d like to tell you the reason for calling the meeting…we’re here to talk about building…a Cotina community center…

Dun-dun-DUN!!!  Dor’s announcement predictably starts a lot of shocked conversations between the various committee members.

ANSLINGER: Now look, Doris—you know there’s not enough money in the treasury to throw away on a fool idea like a community center…

DORIS: Jed…would you please give me a chance to talk to you about this?

BURKHART: What’s wrong with my meeting hall?  It’s been good enough for twenty years…

VERNA: That’s why it’s time we had a new one, Horace…

HARTY: And I gave up a bridge game for this…

Doris bangs her gavel, realizing that there are too many petty personal agendas for her to be heard above the din…so she turns things over to Flanders, who delivers a pitch so spellbinding you’d think Cotina has just added a pool table in town.  (Little Music Man reference for those of you still with us.)

FLANDERS: Mr. Anslinger probably feels that this is just some kind of moneymaking scheme that I’m trying to foist on all of you…well, you know something?  He’s right—I intend to make money from this project…for preparing the plans, and supervising the building…I expect to be well-paid…however…Cotina will also profit…and to a much greater extent…I feel that no community, no matter how large or small, can afford to overlook a chance to bring in greatly increased revenues that will benefit all…

Flanders then starts reeling in the rubes by showing them his little community center dollhouse and bragging about its multi-purposed capacity…something that Burkhart isn’t too wild about, since he’s concerned about the competition it will afford his meeting hall.  Two of the committeewomen have no problem with this (“You’ve been getting away with murder for years,” chimes Number 3) but the super salesman reassures Horace with some b.s. that he’ll continue to do just fine since competition is necessary for a free market, and he’s sure to make money from the overflow (those individuals who couldn’t book the center because it’s so freakin’ full).  “We’ve already gotten offers in the mail,” volunteers Doris, because there is a multitude of theater guilds and philharmonic concerts who are going to commit hari-kari if they don’t get the chance to perform in beautiful downtown Cotina.  Now let’s talk money.

DORIS: How much is all this going to cost?

ANSLINGER: That’s right, Mr. Flanders…thank you, Doris…

FLANDERS: Yes…thank you…we can’t forget the cost…I can build this particular model for you for $210,000…

Wellllll…goodbye!  “Why—there isn’t that much money in the town treasury!” sputters Anslinger, after the paramedics have restarted his heart.  Oh, Jeddy…you don’t think Flanders would try to sell you this white elephant without a comprehensive plan, do you?

FLANDERS: A special building fund drive has brought immediate results every time…

BUCK: But what do you mean—a building fund drive?

FLANDERS: Let me show you how other towns have raised their money…

Flanders whips out his briefcase, and upon opening it pulls out a gold plaque—anyone who contributes a C-note to this boondoggle will have his or her name put on this plaque, which will be placed in the lobby of the center to show their friends and neighbors that they were willing to pony up for charity while they were hoarding their funds in that upstairs mattress of theirs.  A fifty-dollar contribution will get them a silver nameplate—and a $25 ante a bronze one—which will be attached to the back of one of the center’s “orchestra seats”…and for the really tightfisted, any contribution will earn them a mention in the “honor roll” of every printed program.  “That’s a good idea!” marvels Buck.  There is noticeable hubbub from all assembled that they agree with Mr. Webb—a snatch of conversation is heard along the lines of “That will be wonderful for the children.”  (For God’s sake—won’t someone think of the children?!!)

FLANDERS: Now I can’t believe that Cotina doesn’t have enough public-spirited citizens to raise enough money this way to build your community center!

Beeeeelieve it!  No, seriously—Doris comforts Flanders with the knowledge that the populace of Cotina is civic-minded enough to go along with this, never mind the results of the last SPLOST referendum.

DORIS: Look, I know it’s a huge amount—it’s staggering…but he’s going to show us how to do it…so let’s do it, because I think it’s a fabulous idea!  And we’ve just got to have it!

BUCK: Where would we get them plaques?

FLANDERS: Through a special arrangement with the manufacturer, I can get them for you…however, I believe I have enough in the car to get you started…

ANSLINGER: What are they gonna cost us?

FLANDERS: You can have them for exactly what I paid for them…as my contribution towards us getting this project off the ground…depending on exactly how many you’ll need, I estimate the cost will be about two thousand dollars…

Um…they’ll need to pay you two large for those chintzy plaques—but that will be your “contribution”?  I do not think that word means what you think it means.  But all Flanders needs now is to have the net at the ready so he can yank them into the boat.  He asks Buck if he’s seen the plaque he showed to everyone in his demonstration…a plaque that happens to have Doris’ name emblazoned on it.  (Yeah, he’s got some sort of Jim Rockford-type of printer in the back of his rental, I’ll bet.)  Doris swoons at the sight of the plaque, and announces that she’ll be the first to donate $100.  “Put me down for one, too,” Buck says eagerly.  (Oh, this is like picking money up off the sidewalk.)

And the meeting ends with all the committee members swarming around Flanders as they ooh and ahh over the gold plaques.  You know, they could have renamed this burg “Ravenswood” and I would not have batted an eyelash.

The scene then shifts to the guest room at Rancho Webb—Doris and Buck are not going to allow their new pal Roger B. Flanders to bed down at the Cotina Super 8, thank-you-very-much.

FLANDERS: You know…there are some things you get completely out of touch with living in a big city…like good old-fashioned country hospitality…

DORIS: I do have an ulterior motive…

FLANDERS: Whatever it is, I agree…

Doris!  You brazen hussy, you!

DORIS: Well…I thought since you’ll be spending the weekend with us, Mr. Flanders, that I could maybe talk you into helping with the fundraising campaign…

FLANDERS: In the first place—it’s Roger…please…and it’ll be my pleasure to help…

DORIS: Will you?  Oh, that will be so nice…

Years later, as he sat gently rocking on the porch of the Cotina Retirement Home, Buck Webb’s thoughts often drifted back to that time when he still owned the ranch and he sincerely believed that Roger B. Flanders was his friend.  (“He seemed like such a nice fella…”)  Seriously—you people might want to count the guest towels before this essobee leaves.

Buck suggests that he and Doris make themselves scarce so that Rog can get situated and that they can later discuss the “campaign” after dinner—but before she leaves, Doris wants to confirm that the amount of the certified check the committee will need to issue is twenty-one hundred dollars (is the $100 Doris’ contribution?  I would think that would be separate, unless it’s for “incidentals”), which she’ll have for him Monday morning.  She leaves, and as he closes the door he’s careful to lock it before he opens his briefcase and places a small portable typewriter on the desk.  As he begins to type, we hear his thoughts:

FLANDERS: Dear Mr. Mayor…as president of the Southwest Philharmonic Concert League, I’m writing to you regarding including your fair city of Jamesburg in our new symphony series…however…it is necessary to have a community center of sufficient size to accommodate the large audience…

And fade out to commercial!  (Hokey smoke, cartooners—this is getting exciting!)

Back from selling a little Ralston-Purina, the fundraising drive for the prospective community center is going like wildcakes, with Doris having to constantly answer the phone to accept pledges as the evil Flanders jots down information on a pad.  In fact, she is viewed after the commercial accepting a phone call from a person identified as “Nell Collins”; we don’t get to hear the other end of the conversation, but Nell has appeared on the show before in “The Job” (we actually heard her voice then—the lady with the colicky baby) and the inference here is that she is Cotina’s resident phone operator.  When Doris completes the call, she announces that Nell has pledged the necessary gitas for one balcony nameplate.

BUCK: Isn’t that nice…she works so hard for her money…

So hard for it, honey.  She works hard for the money so you’d better treat her right.  Well, in case you were thinking we might get through an episode without hearing from Doris’ idiot children, Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke)—allow me to disappoint you immensely.  The two boys enter the house at top speed, mewling about the money that they’ve taken from their chums at the playground with their successful bully concession asking for community center donations.  (On the bright side…we do not have to put up with the tired shenanigans of ranch hand Leroy B. Semple Simpson [James Hampton] this week…so cloud, meet silver lining.)

BUCK: Did you get a list of their names?

BILLY: Yeah!

BUCK: Well, give it to Mr. Flanders so he can put them on the honor roll…

“And believe me—that’s the only honor roll those little jamokes will ever be on.”  Billy announces that they might have to check the spelling on some of them, because morons, but Flanders laughs this off and announces that he’s got to go by the post office—so why not bribe the little tykes on the way home with a couple of sodas.  Look at the expression on Toby’s face at this suggestion.  (“I want one with cheese!”)  Doris’ Bill Cosby-like mugging also cracked me up.

FLANDERS: How about you, Doris—would you join us?

DORIS: Oh, I’d love to—but I have to answer the phone!  The money is pouring in!

FLANDERS: Okay…mind the store…

“See if we need any more of those tote bags, too—will ya?”  Flanders also promises to bring back Dodo some Rocky Road ice cream, and as he heads toward the door with the kids in tow he’s stopped by Buck.

BUCK: Hey, Roger—when you get to town…would you mail those for me?

ROGER: Oh, sure… (Looking at the envelope) Southwest Philharmonic?

BUCK: Oh, yeah—since the campaign is going so good, I thought we’d let a few people know we’re in business…

I suppose Roger could have given him a big kiss on the forehead because Buck is such a chump…but that would kind of give the game away.  (There’s a snicker moment after Roger leaves with the boys and Buck asks Doris: “How do you spell ‘symphony’?”)  There’s a dissolve, and we find Doris doing some household chores (that really should fall under the purview of Juanita) when Billy asks when Mr. Flanders is due back from town.  She explains that he and “Grandpa” were supposed to pick up the check at nine (apparently it’s Monday already) and that because he has to leave “right away” they should be arriving pretty soon.  This gives Nelson the dog enough time to enter Flanders’ room and jump up on the bed, knocking Roger’s briefcase to the floor.  Doris scolds the dog and starts to pick up the papers.

Cue the sad trombone!  No, this just has to be a mistake—so Doris grabs the phone and gets Donna Summer Nell Collins on the horn for long distance information.  As we are already aware, the Southwest Philharmonic Concert League is merely a pigment of Flanders’ imagination (little shout-out to Leo Gorcey there)…and this is confirmed for Doris’ suspicions.  A dissolve finds our heroine pacing the kitchen, and becoming angrier by the minute.  She then peers out the window to see Roger and Buck returning to stately Webb Manor.

Flanders is greeted by Doris’ brood, who ask if they can see the big honkin’ check he’s getting for fleecing the Cotina townsfolk.  Roger proudly shows it to them, and then announces he has to finish packing so he asks the boys to help.  (Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll take hostages.)  So that allows Doris ample time to explain to her father that they have been flimflammed.

BUCK: What’s wrong?

DORIS: He’s a crook!

BUCK: Who is?

DORIS: Roger B. Flanders, that’s who!

BUCK: What in tarnation are you talking about?

DORIS: He’s a phony!  A con man!

Doris shows her dad the faux letterheads for the theatre guild, etc. that fell out of his briefcase and that she just happened to stumble across.  “All the outfits that inquired about coming to Cotina,” ponders Buck.  (Nothin’ gets past you, big guy!)  Doris further explains that in her further inquiries, none of these organizations exist.  “Then he wrote all those letters,” continues Buck…or perhaps I should say, Farmer Obvious.

DORIS: You bet he did!

BUCK: Just to get us worked up about our community center…

DORIS: Oh, that’s the bait—then he just happens to come into Cotina, get everybody in a big spin about the center…sell the twenty-one hundred dollars’ worth of plaques that he…probably cost him fifty bucks…and then he takes off for the next sucker town!  What are you laughing at?

BUCK: He’s good…he’s real good…

Buck explains to Doris that he’s channeling his inner Bogart-as-Sam-Spade because he admires Flanders’ con (you almost expect him to say: “Hell, I don’t know why we didn’t think of this”) and while Doris is all set to phone the sheriff, her father points out that Rog hasn’t done anything illegal. 

DORIS: He’s a fraud and he should be in jail!

BUCK: He sold us $2,100 worth of plaques and nameplates—and a perfectly good working plan for a community center…now if we want it, we’ve got to build it…not him…

DORIS: Now you wait a minute…he told my committee that he would supervise the construction of that building…

BUCK: You got a contract that says that?

This fall on CBS: Buck—For the Defense!  Buck reasons with Doris that they have to take the initiative and get the construction of the center off the ground after Flanders moves on to the next burg with his counterfeit spiel.  “This town will fall apart like a two-dollar watch,” Buck intones, and he convinces that Doris needs to talk to Flanders as opposed to having Cotina law enforcement administer a proper rousting.  After all, Flanders appears to be a savvy architect—“We know that from his plans and his model, right?”

“What are we supposed to do?”  Doris asks her father.  “Let bygones be bygones?”

“No!” Buck returns.  “You don’t let bygones be bygones—you just take that energy and his talent and point it in a different direction.”  (“And besides…there’ll be plenty of opportunities for tar-and-feathering later…”)

I’ll go ahead and cut to the quick on this.  Flanders is readying to get the hell out of Cotina…until Doris lets him know that the feline is out of the burlap.  She further shames him—as only Doris can do—by pointing out that a man of his architectural ability should stick around and see that such a fine center comes to fruition by supervising its construction.  (“Not just a model in a box—but the real thing,” pleads Doris.)  “Suppose I don’t come back?” Roger asks her.

“Then we both lose,” she says quietly.  (Okay, that’s about as far as the “romance” goes—sorry about misleading you with the teaser last week.)  There is then a dissolve to Buck entering the kitchen, where he remarks that the committee is turning ugly…and that’s not much of a turn to start with.  Doris was positive that Flanders would come back, but now she’s not so certain.  So has Roger let her down?  Of course he has—in the next scene we see that he’s spent all of the Cotina cash on hookers and blow as he careens wildly down a deserted highway in his new rental car.

Okay, I’m just kidding—just as Doris is about to announce to the committee that they’ve been hoodwinked, Roger does return to address all assembled…he simply had a flat tire, which delayed him.  Despite using all her powers of sugary goodness to reform Flanders, Dor was a little concerned Rog was going to let her down…but smiling her smiley smile, she announces that their “Chief Architect” is there to issue the first progress report on the new community center venture.

The quick coda on this one finds the committee meeting adjourned and its members slowly filing out of the Webb house.  Nelson, that rapscallion, jumps up on the sofa and knocks Roger’s briefcase to the floor—prompting Doris to respond “Nelson, not again!”  That’s when she shares with Rog how she found out about his disreputable dealings.  Laughing, Flanders promises to build Nelson a big honkin’ doghouse (which doesn’t make much sense, since the damn dog is inside most of the time)—but only “after the community center,” as the curtain falls on our little morality play.

Next time on Doris Day(s): a story with Mayberryian overtones as Doris is dragooned into supervising the school play…and our guest star will be a true character veteran best known on TV for his long-running role as Sheriff Coffee on Bonanza.  It’s “The Musical”—be sure to join us!