Doris Day(s) #35: “Doris the Model” (11/17/69, prod. no #0415)

So here’s the short version of today’s installment of Doris Day(s): in wacky circumstances that could only have originated on a lame sitcom, The Widder Martin is dragooned into modeling clothes in a fashion show when the models originally scheduled for the event quit for reasons that will be explained in a moment.  It’s pretty much an excuse to allow Dodo to strut around in sartorial finery, which really doesn’t make a lot of sense in the long run because—and I say this as a person whose fashion sense could barely be covered in a pamphlet—girlfriend always did have an exceptionally tuned sense of style despite the fact that she lived on a farm and probably earned peanuts in that dead-end job of hers. 

This is one of the reasons why I never took to That Girl, to be honest: I refused to believe that Ann Marie (Marlo Thomas) was able to afford such a fabulous apartment and exquisite clothes toiling as a struggling actress.  (Plus, you will never convince me that ol’ A.M. wasn’t turning tricks on the side.)  Of course, Doris wouldn’t get the opportunity to practice the world’s oldest profession until she shook loose her father (Denver Pyle) and kids (Philip Brown, Tod Starke) in later seasons, so it’s possible she benefited from Buck’s cultivation of some other kind of cash crop on that ranch of his…if you know what I mean, and I’m sure you do.  (Incidentally, Buck and the kids are absent in this episode—an indication of events to come.)

Anyway, as the curtain rises on Act One we see Doris showing off her “new hair” to her pal and fellow office drone Myrna Gibbons (Rose Marie); we got a preview of Dor’s coif in the Yuletide episode “A Two-Family Christmas,” which I covered out of sequence in December of 2014.  Myrna loves Doris’ “weave” (as does Dodo’s boss), and I call it that because Doris has a line of dialogue in which she asks Myrn “Why don’t you get one?”  (To be honest, I would have laughed harder if the exchange went like this: “Nice wig, Doris—what’s it made of?” “Your mom’s chest hair!”)

DORIS: Men love long hair!

MYRNA: Yeah…look, here’s the guest list…

DORIS: Myrn—did you hear what I said?  Men…love…long…hair…

MYRNA: It won’t help…

The “guest list” to which Myrna is referring is one pertaining to a fashion show that’s being sponsored by Today’s World (the NOW magazine), and Doris is tres impressed by the fact that “every fashion editor on the West Coast has accepted.”

MYRNA: Naturally—who wouldn’t want to see a Montagne collection?  Gee, I wish I was invited…

DORIS: Yeah…so do I…

But you aren’t, girls—because your wicked stepmother has decreed that you stay behind and…er…do some filing or whatever the hell tasks you perform at that magazine.  Since this episode would be fairly dull without some conflict, Doris’ boss Michael “Nick” Nicholson (McLean Stevenson) enters the office to provide some.

NICK: Doris, I’m going to have to send you on an errand…

DORIS: Yes, sir…

NICK: Montagne and his models are arriving on the 11:00 plane from Paris…I was going to meet them myself but I’ve got too many details to take care of…so I’m going to have to ask you to do it…

You may have surmised from Doris’ expression of unbridled glee that she’s looking forward to this little assignment because she’ll get to meet “Monsieur Montagne” personally.  There’s just one catch.

DORIS: Oh, Mr. Nicholson—by the way…do they speak English?

NICK: Well, I don’t know…

DORIS: Oh…if they don’t, I’m in big trouble…I don’t speak French!

NICK: Oh, boy…

MYRNA: Um…I speak it perfectly…

NICK: You do?

MYRNA: Like a native…

I don’t want to say anything before all the facts are in…but the look on Myrna’s face suggests that she’s lying her ass off.  But if we’ve learned anything about Nick since the second season began, he’s a pretty gullible sod, and so he allows Myrna to tag along as interpreter.

DORIS: Hey, I didn’t know you speak French!

MYRNA: I…I don’t…

DORIS: What?  You just told…

MYRNA: I want a chance to meet Mr. Montagne, too!

Myrna…why you’re not running that damn magazine by now is a mystery for the ages.  “Oh, great,” whines Doris.  “So if they can’t speak English how will we talk to them?”

“We’ll use subtitles,” explains Myrna.  (Yes, I did laugh out loud at this.)

The scene shifts to San Francisco International, where a man wearing a poncy scarf and a jacket draped over his shoulders enters the terminal accompanied by two attractive women.  Before we begin with the meat of this week’s plot, let’s get acquainted with the guest star.

Montagne is played by character great Johnny Haymer, who by this point in his career had built up a rather impressive sitcom resume by appearing on such favorites as The Dick Van Dyke Show, He & She, Get Smart and My Three Sons.  You might remember him from a memorable bit in Annie Hall (1977) as a comic soliciting material from Alvy Singer (Woody Allen), and his movie resume also includes the likes of American Hot Wax (1978) and Real Life (1979).  It’s interesting that Haymer appears in this episode of Doris’ show with McLean Stevenson because a good many people probably recognize Johnny as Sgt. Zelmo Zale, a semi-regular on TV’s M*A*S*H; I originally thought that Haymer joined the cast of that sitcom after Stevenson’s departure but it turns out John’s first M*A*S*H appearance was in the 1973-74 season (in the classic “For Want of a Boot”), and he was in three additional episodes the following season.

Oddly enough, the show for which I remember Haymer best—and it’s not his voice work on such cartoon series as Scooby and Scrappy-Doo or Alvin and the Chipmunks—was a terrible sitcom entitled Madame’s Place, on which he played ex-boxer/butler Walter “Pinky” Pinkerton.  Place was a first-run syndicated series that featured ventriloquist Wayland Flowers and his puppet “Madame,” always entertaining in brief venues like Hollywood Squares but a tad tiresome in a half-hour sitcom.  The only explanation I can offer as to why my friends and I watched this show—it was during my ivy-covered college days at Marshall University—was that we were waiting for Gunsmoke, which was on afterward.  The premise wasn’t necessarily horrible—it featured Madame as a faded film star in the Norma Desmond mold and was filled with more the recommended daily allowance of gay subtext—and the cast was okay (Susan Tolsky from Here Come the Brides was on it, as was Judy Landers—we used to yell out “Stacks!” whenever she came on, in reference to her B.J. and the Bear character) but because the damn thing was on five-days-a-week the seams in the writing eventually began to show.  (Madame’s Place showcased the occasionally offbeat guest star, like Dr. Joyce Brothers and William Shatner, and many Groundlings alumni also turned up: Edie McClurg, Paul Reubens, John Paragon, etc.)

Back to the action: Doris greets Montagne with a predictable amount of pidgin French, and while she doesn’t resort to the time-honored tactic of yelling loudly in an effort to be understood she does engage in a bit of pantomime (she asks him if he had a nice flight by miming a bird flapping its wings).  Fortunately, Monsieur Montagne spares her any further embarrassment by revealing that he does speak a bit of the language (un per, as the French say)…but is a bit red-faced when he tries to introduce Dor and Myrna to his female companions and…sacre bleu!  They have skedaddled!

MONTAGNE: Oh, those girls…the minute my back is turned, they disappear…

DORIS: Where could they be?

MONTAGNE (sniffing): I smell food…

“And appalling food at that.”  Doris helpfully volunteers that there is a refreshment stand nearby, and that’s where we find Simone Giroux (Arlyn Genson) and Yvette Bouchard (Gail Stevens), orgasmically chowing down on hot dogs.  Montagne chides the two women in French, and though my high school French is tres rusty, I interpreted what he said as “Imbeciles!  Don’t you know you pay three times as much for the food in an airport?!!”

DORIS: Oh, Monsieur—is something wrong?

MONTAGNE: Oh…I have to watch them every minute…they are crazy about your American food…delicatessen, hamburger, hot dog, corned beef, pastrami…if I let them, they become too fat for my clothes…

MYRNA: Yeah…I know the problem…

So this part of the plot is kind of cute and amusing (well, apart from the fat-shaming), particularly due to the established belief that supermodels subsist solely on water and watercress to maintain their wafer-thin figures.  Montagne explains to his new American friends that Simone and Yvette “eat and eat and eat until they cannot move”—though he kinda sorta makes that sound like it’s a bad thing.  Be that as it may, he’s got to keep that decadent American cuisine away from them.  Doris feels sorry for the two women, but then she has to pull Myrna away from the lunch counter in the midst of Myrn’s ordering a hot dog.

Back at the NOW magazine, Nick is in the middle of a conference with several other white guys bragging about the upcoming fashion show, and he turns things over to assistant editor Ron Harvey (Paul Smith), who’s also boastful that the preparations have been put together “with the precision of a moon shot,” for those of you who can’t get enough of topical NASA humor.  Ron fumbles through his manila folder and his pockets for the show’s schedule—which he seems to have misplaced with the precision of clueless assistant editors—but fortunately Myrna enters and comes to his rescue with the necessary paper…which Ron carelessly left on his desk.  (“Your timing is perfect, Myrna.”)

DORIS: Did you get to him in time?

MYRNA: Yeah…he was going from embarrassed red to panic purple…

The phone rings, and it’s Montagne on the other end.  He desperately needs to speak to Nick, and when Doris informs Montagne that Nick is in conference Montagne drops the bombshell that Simone and Yvette—zut alors!—have flown their hotel coop.  He suspects the girls have hied themselves to a delicatessen, and that they must be located before they “blow up with food.”  (Blowed up real good, I’d say.)  Doris will have to break the news to Nick, and she enters his office while Ron continues to drone on with the details of the fashion exhibition.

RON (as Doris whispers in Nick’s ear): Well, as you can see—every contingency has been taken care of…I mean, every detail planned…absolutely nothing could go wrong!

NICK: Except our models have just disappeared…

RON: Except our models have just disappeared…whaaaa?

The scene shifts to a delicatessen, where kindly deli owner Hal (played by Paul Marin) sets down a generous helping of potato salad in front of hungry Simone and Yvette.  “My brother Nat remembered you like it with a lot of mayonnaise,” he beams as the models squeal in epicurean delight.  Brother Nat is played by a familiar TV face, making his second of three appearances on The Doris Day Show…

…yes, it’s character fave Larry Gelman—a.k.a. The Odd Couple’s Vinnie Barella, The Bob Newhart Show’s Dr. Bernie Tupperman and Maude’s Hubie Binder…to name a few of the many.  (We last spotted Gelman chasing Doris around a desk in the season opener, “Doris Gets a Job.”) “You know,” Hal continues, “Nat and I never thought we’d see you in San Francisco again—it’s such a pleasure to serve you ladies.”

Doris and Nick observe the models feasting outside Hal and Nat’s store window.  They run in and drag the women out (the models blow kisses to the deli brothers, which made me chuckle) and lay down the line: ixnay on the oodfay.  “After the show you eat all you want,” explains Doris.  “Le hot dogs…le corned beef…le chopped liver…le kosher pickles…le everything!”  But here’s the dilemma: how will Today’s World deal with two ladies who apparently have tapeworms?

In Montagne’s hotel suite, the designer explains that while Simone and Yvette have promised that they will not succumb to the munchies “unfortunately, when it comes to delicatessen—their word of honor is worthless.”  Clearly, someone will have to police la models…but Montagne cannot do this, as he is busy.  As Nick discusses the situation with Montagne, Doris tries to get her boss’ attention by volunteering to play Food Cop.  “Doris, I think your new hair has gone to your head,” he cracks, a line that just struck me funny for some odd reason.

NICK: You will have to be up twenty-four straight hours…

DORIS: I don’t mind!  I’ll get Myrna…she’d love to!  I can handle it…

MONTAGNE: I think she can do it…

NICK: You think you can do it?

DORIS: I know I can do it… (Saluting) Policewoman Doris Martin, at your service, sir…

MONTAGNE (after a pause, to Nick): You think she can do it?

Of course she can do it!  This is Doris Freaking Martin we’re talking about, Frenchie!  There’s a scene shift to the outside of the hotel at night, with a light on in one of the rooms.  We hear a buzzer, and Doris opens the door to allow a waiter (Sam Javis) in, wheeling a food cart.  Doris lifts up the various covered plates to make sure everything is kosher (well, I couldn’t resist) but she does find one plate with several pads of butter.

Then, using her powerful sense of smell, she detects the distinctive odor of something that is kosher.  Looking under the cart she finds…

J’accuse!  Contraband with a pickle on the side!  “I don’t believe it!” Doris exclaims in her best Victor Meldrew manner.

DORIS: Look at this!  Where did you get this?

WAITER: Well, I don’t know…

MYRNA: Talk!

DORIS: Where did you get them?!!

The waiter comes clean.  “Two guys gave me the sandwiches and handed me a buck to stick them under the cart,” he confesses…and his description of the felons being short, chubby and delicatessen owners means only one thing—Hal and Nat!  Doris waves the waiter in with the other items while she and Myrna consume the contraband in the form of delicious pastrami sandwiches.  “I’m glad they didn’t order bologna,” Myrna puts in.  “I don’t like bologna.”

Doris confesses that bologna gives her gas, which prompts Myrna to reply “Everything gives you gas.”  Sorry, Myrna my pet—I refuse to acknowledge the existence of a flatulent Doris Day.

Yvette and Simone may have just gotten off the plane…but they’ve learned a trick or two.  First, they try to smuggle in illegal salami in the form of dry cleaning…

Next, a delivery from the roof.  “It’s not too bad an assortment though, I’ll tell you that,” editorializes Myrna.

Finally, with Doris and Myrna conked out, Yvette and Simone sneak out of their hotel room and off to a night of brisket and cream soda as the curtain falls on Act One.

Doris the Model—Part the Second.  Doris, knowing full well she will be in deep merde with her boss when he learns that the two fashion models beat a hasty retreat while she and Myrna were supposed to be supervising them, waits with her pal outside Hal and Nat’s.  Doris is certain they’ll return to their favorite hangout.

MYRNA: Yeah, but it’s such a long shot—they could be stuffing their faces with somebody else’s corned beef…

DORIS: Well, we can’t go chasing them all over town!  We’ve got to play this hunch and hope…

And when a taxicab pulls up outside the deli, the reason why Doris is known as “Texas Hold ‘Em” Martin is revealed—Hal and Nat and Simone and Yvette and Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice emerge from the vehicle.

DORIS: Okay, girls…you’ve had your fling and you’ve eaten to your heart’s content…now you come back with us…

HAL: I’m afraid they’re not going with you…

DORIS: They have to go!  The show is about to…

NAT (interrupting) Sorry…we don’t believe in our wives working…

Mon dieu!  How’s that for a plot twist?  Hal and Nat inform Doris and Myrna that they’ve made the models Mrs. Hal and Mrs. Nat in Reno.  “We’ve been in love with them ever since the first time they walked in and ordered our chopped chicken liver,” explains Nat.

“Now we’re going to feed them until death do us part,” responds Hal dreamily.  “Come on, girls—before the rush hour starts.”  See, I would watch a sitcom with this premise: two schlubby deli owners marry a couple of ooh-la-la French models, and the wacky complications that ensue.  Unfortunately, this is the last we’ll see of this quartet—it’s back to the lame sitcom we’re stuck with now.

Since my interest in what happens next in this episode has taken a severe nose dive, I’m going to summon up what happens next as quickly as I can.  Nick and Montagne are frantic back at the auditorium, where the fashion show is about to commence.

MONTAGNE (in his pronounced French accent): Imbecile!  Idiot!

NICK: What does that mean in English?

MONTAGNE: The same thing—imbecile…idiot…

Doris and Myrna arrive with the bad news.  Montagne, devastated to hear that not only have his employees married into delicatessen royalty but have retired from the modeling business, struts and frets and lets loose with a flume of French profanity.  “You know—I got a feeling he’s not too thrilled about the news,” Myrna cracks.

What to do, what to do.  Ron Harvey arrives backstage and, of course, he’s completely useless—even though he thumbs through his little black book for some of the models he’s dated in the past.  No—they can’t possible get there on such short notice…so it’s Myrna to the rescue!

MYRNA: Mr. Nicholson—you don’t have to look for any other models…you got the perfect one right here!

NICK: Oh, come on, Myrn—you wouldn’t fit into those clothes in a million years!

Haha, because Myrna is too dumpy.  She doesn’t mean herself, you wanker—she means Doris!  Doris can wear the clothes and save the day…and she does!

Work it, girl!

If you thought Doris on the catwalk was lame, you will be right at home with the coda of this little opus.  Myrna enters Doris’ office with a devastating outfit, and brand new wiglet hair!  “Hey, groovy!” squeals Dodo in approval.  (Far out!)

MYRNA: I figured if those skinny models can wear this kind of stuff why shouldn’t a real woman try it, huh?

DORIS: It’s really groovy…

MYRNA: Yeah, huh…oh, I tell ya—from now on, men just aren’t going to pass me by as if I didn’t exist…from now on, they’re gonna notice me…

DORIS: You better believe it!

Ron Harvey enters the office…and he is speechless.  He is captivated by Myrna’s new look.  Words fail him, and he struggles to describe his feelings at that moment in time.

RON: Well, well, well—this is quite a surprise!  A very pleasant surprise!

MYRNA: Oh…is it?

RON: Yes!  It’s the first time in months you’ve been to work on time!

Ya burnt, Myrna!  “He’s a man,” consoles Doris.  “What does he know about clothes?”  What indeed.  Fans of TDOY’s dearly departed Mayberry Mondays—and I hate to admit this, but I find myself missing R.F.D. more and more with each Doris episode I tuck under my belt—might be interested to know that this turkey was directed by Hal Cooper, who helmed thirty-eight of the misadventures that took place in that sleepy little North Carolina town.  (Cooper would direct one more Doris episode, “The Gas Station”—which features the return of the Day show’s resident faux Goober, Leroy B. Semple Simpson [James Hampton].)

In the third season of The Doris Day Show, Monsieur Montagne (and Johnny Haymer) returns for the episode “The Fashion Show,” where once again Doris proves she’s too sexy for her shirt.  Fortunately, that agony is still a ways off—but we’ll still have to endure more pain next time with “Doris Strikes Out,” which does have one bright spot: it features a beloved actor best known for his starring role on WKRP in Cincinnati.  Join me next time, won’t you?