OUR STORY SO FAR: This week’s episode of the getting-sillier-by-the-minute serial Jungle Queen (1945) is entitled “The Burning Jungle.” Chapter 3 is known as “The Flaming Mountain.” If a fire marshal has been appointed to oversee “the middle jungle” s/he is apparently not doing their job. But all you really need to know is this—it’s just before the start of World War II in 1939, and the Germans have decided that the key to victory is controlling Africa because…well, they don’t really explain it too well. And besides—with villains like Nazi agent Lang (Douglass Dumbrille), faux botanist Dr. Elise Bork (Tala Birell) and her stooge Denker (Walter Bonn)—I’m starting to understand how the Germans lost the war in the first place.
BORK: Well, Lang?
LANG: Godac will never ask advice of Alan Courtney…
BORK: Alan Courtney’s dead? Are you sure of Maati?
DENKER: Once Maati has been told the secret that gives the judge his power…
LANG: …he will kill Godac—the present judge—and take his place…and do as we say in the middle jungle…
Now—I realize these people aren’t telling you anything you haven’t already read in these weekly synopses…I just wanted to you to witness how stilted this dialogue sometimes gets.
BORK: What has happened to Lothel?
LANG: Well, many of the Tongghili no longer believe in their mystery queen of the jungle…
BORK: Maati must arrange her execution as soon as he’s in power…
Maati (Napoleon Simpson) has as much chance of ruling that part of Africa as I have winning on Dancing with the Stars. But I digress.
BORK: Now what about Courtney’s niece, Pamela? And the two Americans?
LANG: When last seen, they were approaching Courtney’s camp…Maati should be attending to them now…
And so we bear witness as to what would come to pass under a Maati administration when the future judge of the Tongghili tribes gets the bright idea to let loose some jungle “cats” captured by the Alan Courtney expedition, now being run by Courtney’s sidekick Jungle Jack (Budd Buster). (Jack seems like an okay guy but when he learns of the news of the animal rampage, he runs off to points unknown, apparently having crapped his pants.) With the lions and leopards and other jungle felines running amuck, Pamela (Lois Collier) is frozen in fright at the sight of a lion leaping at her. At the same time, native Noma (Emmett Smith) readies his spear and hurls it at Pamela… fortunately, intrepid American adventurer Bob Elliot (Edward Norris) tackles Pam to the ground, and the spear kills the lion! Quel heroics! Chuck Kelly, Bob’s too-cutesy-by-half American sidekick, reacts the only way he can…by drawing his gun and shooting at anything that moves.
CHUCK: He didn’t mean to…but that native did us a favor by bumpin’ off that lion!
PAMELA: Speaking of favors…thanks, Bob—I wouldn’t be standing if it hadn’t been for you…
Well, considering he knocked you on your ass thirty seconds ago, that would make sense.
BOB: I only wish we could as done as much for your uncle…
PAMELA: So do I…
JACK (joining the trio): I’ll betcha the same men who murdered her uncle freed those cats!
CHUCK: Yeah! To give ‘em a chance to get to Pam while we were wrestlin’ the animals!
JACK: Say…I’d better see if those pets are all right…
And so with a change of underwear, J-Jack makes his way back to the cages as we watch some dull stock footage of jungle animals scrapping with one another. Maati and Noma meet up to discuss how their simple plan could have spiraled out of control:
MAATI: I turned the animals loose…what happened?
NOMA: Well, one of the men knocked the girl down…and the spear passed over where she was standing…what do we do now?
MAATI: You stay here…I’m going back to listen…
What, listen to the sounds of lions and leopards being rounded up as a metaphor for your incessant bungling, O Mighty Judge-That-Will-Never-Be? Because as quickly as you can say “More stock footage, please!” Jack and his helpers have put all the putty tats back in their tages…
JACK: Those cats won’t bother us now…
PAMELA: Are they on consignment?
JACK: Yeah…to a museum…got ‘em all ready to ship…
Um…I’m not a jungle hunter—though I did play one in the short-lived NBC sitcom Stranded in the Jungle—but wouldn’t it be easier to kill the animals beforehand if they’re just going to a museum (where I presume they’re going to be displayed in some sort of stuffed, taxidermy condition)? Well, I suppose you could let them run loose in the museum upon arrival (that sort of thing generally happens only in zoos) but it’s going to make school field trips a bit messy, what with the extra insurance and all.
CHUCK: Look here…we’re getting ourselves quite a collection of weapons…first a Mauser…now this hunting knife…that Tongghili spear thrown in for a dividend…there’s only one place the Tongghili got the rifle and this knife…
Must be a gun show nearby.
CHUCK: …Nazis…
BOB: Yeah…the same Nazis who don’t want us to learn the secret of the Sword of Tongu…
(There is a brief shot of Maati eavesdropping on this conversation.)
JACK: That’s the reason they murdered your uncle, Pam…he could tell you the secret…
PAMELA: I wonder if Godac, the new judge of the tribes, would listen to me…after all, I am Alan Courtney’s niece…
Considering what happened to Courtney, I’d think first before shouting that from the highest fiery mountaintop in Tong-Gara, ladygirl.
BOB: No, we don’t have to take that chance yet…your uncle mentioned Lothel…
CHUCK: If Queenie would only stay put for a little while it’d be okay, but… (He makes a fluttery gesture with his hands)
BOB: I’m going to Tong-Gara…
CHUCK: Tong-Gara? What for?
BOB: To convince Godac that the Germans killed his friend…Mr. Courtney…and to ask him about Lothel…
JACK: Eh…no one except a Tongghili has ever been there or talked with the judge…except Mr. Courtney…
BOB: You went there with him, didn’t you?
“Well, yeah…but I stayed in the jeep the whole time. Forgot to bring change for the meter.”
JACK: Oh, yes…but…I didn’t count…
BOB: You do now…you know the way, and the Tongghili will recognize you…
CHUCK (standing up): Well, when do we start?
BOB: Oh no, Chuck…
Hell to the no!
BOB: …you take Pam and Mr. Courtney’s body back to Tambosa…Jungle Jack will furnish you with an escort from the safari boys…someone has to tell the authorities there what happened…
“He was cleaning his knife and it went off.” Incidentally, is it just me or does it seem like Bob’s getting to be a bit of a bossy-butt, taking charge and ordering people around?
CHUCK: Fine pal you turned out to be…okay…okay…if I don’t see you again, I’ll look for your head on a pole outside some native village…
BOB: Don’t worry, chum—I’ll still wink at ya…
Oh, if only it could be Chuck’s head on that spike…then this would be the best chapter ever. Having obtained what needed to know, Maati runs back to where Noma is keeping watch and tells his friend: “What I heard will help Bwana Lang when I tell him in the morning…”
It is now morning, and as Dr. Bork is filling out her required weekly Nazi paperwork, the secret-phone-inside-the-brick-fireplace rings:
BORK (picking up the receiver): Hello? Oh, Weber…oh, he is? Put him on…
I kind of chuckled at this bit because it would seem to reason that if Lang was in the same radiophone room as Bork’s lackey Weber (Louis Adlon), he could have just picked up the phone and called the doc directly himself. Apparently there must have been an argument between the two men over the proper telephone protocol. (Weber: “You are neffer to touch zis phone, you schweinhundt!”)
BORK: …well, it’s about time you reported, Lang—what kept you so long?
LANG: I phoned as soon as I talked to Maati…Miss Courtney and the Americans are still alive…Alan Courtney’s murder has backfired…
BORK (on phone): Backfired? How?
LANG: Well, Godac is now inclined to believe that Lothel’s warnings are true…
BORK: I thought you planned to make it appear as though the Americans were responsible for the killing…
LANG: I can’t! A Tongghili spear was thrown at Miss Courtney…and she’ll remember it was…if Godac hears about it he won’t believe Maati…one of the Americans is going to him now…
BORK: The American must never get there…what about the girl and the other man?
I’m not so certain I would refer to Chuck in those terms. I think he just barely managed to pass the physical…
LANG: Well, they’re taking Alan Courtney’s body to Tambosa…they won’t be molested…the Tongghili respect the mourners of the honored dead…
BORK (on phone): In that case, I shall attend to them myself when they reach town…now—what about Maati?
LANG: Naturally he’s worried…and so am I!
BORK: We have depended too much on Maati…
It’s so hard finding competent help in the middle jungle these days…
BORK: …this time, have him do exactly what I’m now going to tell you…
And before we can be clued into what Doc Bork’s foolproof plan is, we cut away to footage of a funeral procession making its way to Tambosa. There is a reason for this…it’s because (I’m a little bit ahead in the reading) her scheme is so freaking stupid they don’t want anybody walking out in the middle of this. There is also a close-up of a scared-looking native, and then of someone beating out a rhythm on a drum:
CHUCK: Every time I hear the jungle telegraph…I think something’s up…
PAMELA: There usually is… (To a sherpa standing behind her) What do the drums say?
“Boom-diddy boom-diddy boom-diddy boom!”
SHERPA: Godac wants the chiefs to come see him!
CHUCK: I hope it ain’t a reception committee for Bob…
Yeah…because if Bob’s head ended up permanently on a stick, that would break my heart. Speaking of Bob and J-Jack, they are also making their way through the jungle—unaware that they are being followed by members of Maati’s tribe and those accursed drums!
BOB (to Jack): What are the drums saying now?
“Boom-diddy boom-diddy boom-diddy boom!” (Never gets old.)
JACK: Godac has called a meeting…to discuss Mr. Courtney’s murder!
BOB: Then there’s really a good chance he’ll listen to us if we get to him…
JACK: Yes…if we get to him…
Jack’s a glass-half-empty kind of chap. Two members of Maati’s clan watch as Bob and Jungle Jack pass by, and then they rush to where Maati and Lang are waiting.
NATIVE: There are two strangers coming toward our village…
MAATI: Good! That’s what we wanted to know…
(Maati waves them off in the opposite direction, and his men depart)
LANG: How long will it be before they arrive?
MAATI: I do not know…I have other warriors watching; they’ll come tell us in time…
More drums, a gong, and the return of Oven Mitt Native…
MAATI: That gong means that Godac has gone to put on his robes…
No, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. “…and that gong means Godac is in the reading room…”
MAATI: …when the gong stops, Godac will be at the upper throne…
Oh…so he is in the reading room…never mind…
LANG: Good! Are you sure you can do exactly as I told you?
Isn’t that what they used to ask Moe, Larry and Curly just before they started house painting? Maati assures Lang everything is copacetic: “You’re smart, Bwana Lang…your plan will make me the judge.”
“Well, I’m glad you approve,” replies Lang, as he leans against a tree and continues to smoke a cigarette. “I’ll wait here.”
The natives begin to assemble, and Maati arrives just outside the lodge hall to speak with Noma…who always seems to be the one doing the dirty work in this chapter play:
MAATI: There goes Godac now to the rooming chamber… (To native) Everything depends on you…
NOMA: And don’t worry…you’ll be the next judge…Bwana Lang’s plan is good…
I’m just wondering how long it will take in this narrative before the native population catches on to the fact that Bwana Lang seems to be pulling most of these plans out of his arse.
Godac’s faithful toady—and Maati’s opponent—Kyba (Clarence Muse) opens the rooming chamber door for his judgeship, and inside an unknown attendant waits to robe Godac. Kyba then addresses the assembled chieftains: “Godac has arrived!”
Maati is outside and about to enter the hall when he comes across two unnamed natives guarding the entrance like two ineffectual bar bouncers. I like how he just waves these two guys away. Godac may have arrived, but apparently he’s still adjusting his zip:
MAATI (to Kyba): I thought I’d be late…where’s Godac?
KYBA: I just escorted him as usual to the rooming chamber…he should be here now…
There is then a brief cut to Noma…who stealthily sneaks up to the rooming chamber door and opening it, cautiously peers inside.
MAATI: Does it not seem strange, Kyba, that Godac waits so long?
KYBA: We’ve waited before…why not now?
MAATI: I am very suspicious about all that has happened recently in the jungle…
KYBA: What do you mean?
MAATI: I think that Godac, our judge, should be guarded more carefully…let’s go to him…
“Not that I’m suggesting anyone would try to kidnap him, you understand…” But that’s exactly what has transpired. Noma and several of Maati’s men take Godac to where Lang was just chillin’ and enjoyin’ a smoke. Yes, this is the plan that originated from the brilliant Dr. Bork. Perhaps you were wondering (as was I earlier) why they just didn’t kidnap Godac from the get-go, thus whittling down a chapter or two of this stupid serial? The only explanation I can come up with is that Doc Bork was worried that this might smudge the Nazis’ reputation. (“We don’t want people to think we’re a bunch of jackbooted thugs!”)
NOMA (making the introductions): This is Godac…judge of the Tongghili…
LANG: Well…this time everything’s working all right…bring him along…
This guy Lang has no panache…no class. A proper film villain would have greeted his prisoner with something like: “Ah, Mr. Godac…we meet at last. But excuse my poor manners…could I have one of my men fetch you some refreshments?”
Back in the rooming chamber, Maati and Kyba find the attendant lying on the ground, dead as Tambosa on a Sunday morning. Maati has an evil look on his face, knowing that the plan came together…
…and back at the lodge hall, Kyba orders Orbon (Jim Basquette): “Send out searchers! Let the drums tell the middle jungle that the room attendant has been murdered…that Godac is gone!” This does not bode well, because with Godac missing, the assembled crowd is going to want their money back—they paid to see Godac, ferchrissake! Maati rushes into the hall with more bad news—the guard outside has also been croaked! He then makes his move, telling the crowd that the Lothel who warned against strangers has been consorting with the very same! And since this serial chapter is almost over, it’s time for an appearance by the Jungle Queen…the door to the Flame Room opens ominously…but instead of crazy-running through the Room of Flame, she shakes things up a bit this week by appearing behind the crowd at Godac’s throne:
LOTHEL: Maati sneaks into the jungle and talks there with your enemies! Ask Maati what he has promised those men if he is chosen to succeed Godac!
MAATI: Do you believe this woman who has tricked us before? Saying she did it to help us? Or do you believe me?
(The natives give Maati an “Aye!” of approval)
LOTHEL: Look! Look there!
The natives all turn in the direction of the Room of Flame, where the door mysteriously starts to close. When they turn back around toward Godac’s throne…Lothel has wisely taken a powder.
NATIVE (running up to Maati, Kyba and Orbon): Strangers come to Tong-Gara!
MAATI: Kyba…we shall see now who likes strangers best…you or me!
“I have a proven track record of always being anti-stranger!” The natives in the hall take this as a signal that they should form a mob and head out in the direction of the advancing Bob and J-Jack. “It looks as if the natives are coming after us,” observes Bob with his keen grasp of the obvious:
JACK: Yeah…just what I was thinkin’…listen… (He stops to hear ominous drums in the distance) No chance to talk to the Tongghili now!
BOB: What’s the matter?
JACK: Godac’s disappeared! Hey…this is no place for us…
And with that, Jack demonstrates his patented “getting the hell out of Dodge” sprint, followed closely by Bob. As Maati, Kyba and the rest of the tribes arrive at the spot the two men were standing before they suddenly had to run like cheetahs, Maati can’t resist rubbing it in: “One of those strangers is your friend, Kyba…and Lothel’s…why are they here now just when Godac has disappeared?”
Bob and Jack, instead of taking the time to sit down with the natives and discussing this unfortunate situation, resort to their baser instincts and start shooting at the Tongghilis. (Yes, exactly what one would do if they were planning a confab with their leader as to what the heck this sword nonsense is all about. “How about some lead before we talk?”) The Tongghilis may be a simple, backward tribe…but they are capable of releasing a method of vengeance that would make an ordinary mortal wet himself with fear (yes, I’m talking about Jungle Jack here)…
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| "Bambi! Man is in the forest!" |
Behold! The Terrible Stock Footage of a Jungle Brush Fire! Animals scurry around in panic! Bob and Jack continually fire toward natives they can no longer see! And then finally…they succumb to the smoke…resigned to their fiery fate…
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