OUR STORY SO FAR: The year: 1939. The place: well, we seem to seesaw back-and-forth from various locales…one moment we’re walking around in a section of Africa known as “the middle jungle,” complaining about the icky bugs and stifling heat. Tong-Gara is the focal point of this enigmatic province, populated by Tongghili tribes and ruled by a judge whose power over the natives rests in a sword with a mysterious secret. What is this secret, I hear you asking? No one knows except for a select few; the currently appointed judge, natch (it would stand to reason that if you rule by the Sword of Tongu you should know what the heck it does), and a British explorer named Alan Courtney…who at this juncture is deader than the proverbial tent peg. An ephemeral woman (Ruth Roman) wearing white and a Wonderbra answering to “Lothel” also knows the secret…but the resident “Jungle Queen” never stands still long enough to clue anybody in on the sword mystery, thus prolonging our misery.
Oh, and occasionally we take a side trip to London to remind folks that the mission of Courtney’s niece, Pamela (Lois Collier), is to…well, it was to find her uncle and since she has found him (quite dead, thank you) you’d think this would be over. Nevertheless, we’ve eight more chapters to go and besides, really exciting things are happening here:
That’s right! Exciting things! (Incidentally, this “Mr. X” official isn’t so “secret”—he was actually identified as “Lord Bell” by Ms. Courtney in Chapter 4. Note to Bruce Wayne: don’t ever tell this dame you’re the Batman. You will regret it till the end of your days.) Like…um…well, X (Lumsden Hare) and his undersecretary (George Leigh) listening to a speech by Hitler on the radio. (You can tell it’s supposed to be Adolf because it’s a bunch of German gibberish being shouted at loud volume. At one point in this sequence, the stiff-upper-lipped X instructs his aide to switch Shickelgruber off with a snidely delivered “Isn’t that enough?”) But here’s a messenger arriving to break the tension and propel the narrative forward!
MR. X (reading from a piece of paper): Pamela Courtney and the two Americans are alive!
UNDERSECRETARY: Alive! It hardly seems possible, sir!
MR. X: I know…but Chatterton reports that Miss Courtney and one of the Americans are already out of the middle jungle…
UNDERSECRETARY: What about Miss Courtney’s uncle?
MR. X (still reading): They brought Alan Courtney’s body with them…he was murdered by Nazi agents…
I say…dashed inconvenient, that…speaking of Nazi agents, the scene then shifts to the person currently calling the shots in “the middle jungle”: the treacherous Dr. Elise Bork (Tala Birell), fake Swedish botanist. She is paying a call on the “Royal Commissioner” referenced in the above title card (which is more or less bureaucratic-ese for “Head Paper-Pusher”), whom Mr. X previously referred to as “(Braham) Chatterton” (Lester Matthews). Bork, entering Chatterton’s office, confronts the Commissioner’s loyal toady Rogers (Cyril Delevanti).
BORK: Hello, Rogers
BORK: Oh, yes…yes, I was told the sad news…and now I’m afraid I bring more…we hear the jungle telegraph at the farm, you know…
“And we also have a subscription to the Tong-Gara World Guardian…”
BORK: One of the two Americans with Miss Courtney stayed in the jungle, didn’t he?
BORK: Indeed…then it must be those two men whom the Tongghili are trying to kill…blaming them for the abduction of Godac, the all-powerful judge of the middle jungle tribes…
Yes, I realize I just told you all of this in a few short sentences. I just have a jones for gloriously bad exposition dialogue, and Jungle Queen never disappoints. Well, let’s see how Bob (Edward Norris) and J-Jack (Budd Buster) are doing in the jungle…when we last looked in on them, they were in danger of being overcome by the stock footage smoke from a raging stock footage fire. (They’re also shooting at the natives, even though most of the Tongghili couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with their spear-throwing prowess.) But help is on the way!
LOTHEL: I can save you, friends of Bwana Courtney! Come this way!
(Both Bob and Jungle Jack, hacking and coughing and wheezing, stagger over to where Lothel is standing…completely unaffected by the smoke and fire.)
JACK: Lothel! The mystery queen of the jungle!
It ain’t Panther Girl of the Kongo, kiddo! So where does the mighty Lothel lead our heroes? To a canoe conveniently parked by the river. (I swear I’m not making this up.) Sure, these two idiots would have stumbled onto it eventually…but where’s the fun in that? (Is it Lothel’s to lend, by the way? Because the owner is really going to be pissed when s/he gets back…)
JACK: We won’t have any trouble getting away now!
BOB: You saved us again, Lothel…
“It’s true…I AM awesome.”
BOB: Mr. Courtney said…before he died…that you could tell us what we want to know…
“Who put the bomp in the bomp-de-bomp-de-bomp? Who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?”
LOTHEL: But Bwana Courtney was a true friend to the Tongghili…
BOB: So is Jungle Jack…and I hope I can prove to be one, too… (Lothel smiles) Tell me, Lothel…what is the secret that gives Godac his great power in the middle jungle?
Tell him. Tell him please tell him tell him tell him please so we can end this nightmare of a cliffhanger. But alas, it is not to be…there is then a huge splash behind the two men, and Jack, after looking in that direction, cavalierly dismisses it as “just some animal.” (Honest to my grandma, that made me laugh out loud. “Nothing to worry about, old matchbox…just a crocodile the size of a Buick!”) Naturally, when Bob and J-Jack turn back in the direction of Lothel…poof! She’s Casper
Maati (Napoleon Simpson), Kyba (Clarence Muse) and the rest of their jungle brethren watch from a distance as the stock footage conflagration continues to burn (unaware that Bob and Jack have swiped the canoe and are a-paddlin’ to safety)
MAATI: Those two strangers can’t live through that fire…
KYBA: No…both are dead…Godac, our judge, is gone…the ancient secret of the sword is lost with him…
MAATI: Don’t be so sure, Kyba, about Godac…reports should be coming back to Tong-Gara by now from the searching parties…he may be safe…
He’s out! Out by a mile! As Kyba runs back in the direction of the chuck wagon, Maati tells one of the natives: “I’m not going directly back to Tong-Gara, so watch Kyba…don’t let him escape, he’s a traitor.”
Maati is not your average run-of-the-mill native, content in his superstitions and mundane middle jungle existence…he has big ideas and grandiose schemes of becoming the new judge of all the tribes—think of him as a Tongghili Newt Gingrich. And he’s entered into cahootdom with Bork’s agent in the middle jungle, a particularly nasty piece of work named Lang (Douglass Dumbrille) who is presently holding the all-powerful Godac (Clinton Rosemond) prisoner. (Yes, I know this makes no sense—if Godac did obtain power from a sword, he’d be able to break away from his Nazi captors faster than you can say “Emil Jannings.”)
LANG: We brought you here, Godac, to protect you…Lothel is your enemy…and Kyba obeys her…
Then Noma (Emmett Smith), Maati’s gofer, interrupts Lang’s lyin’ out his arse with a “You’re wanted, Bwana Lang,” and so Lang tells a couple of henchmen (George Eldredge, Peter Helmers) to “guard Godac with your lives.” (I have no idea where these two guys have been all this time…they must be Nazi temps or something.)
What’s equally funny about this is that Lang and his stooges are keeping Godac captive in some sort of cave at the top of this cliff…and since the person who wishes to speak to Lang is Maati, Lang and Noma have to climb down the cliff face so that Godac won’t find out about Maati’s collaboration with the enemy…even though there’s very little he can do about it, since he is a prisoner. (It’s all rather confusing, really.)
MAATI: I am ready…I will save Godac and take him back to Tong-Gara…Godac has the secret of the sword…I must save him…
LANG: Yes! But we must do it so he’ll believe you! Then he’ll choose you to succeed him…and then he’ll tell you that secret…
I love how Lang is constantly having to re-familiarize Maati with the latest plan because Maats seems to have the diagnostic skills of a three-year-old. “I’ll learn the secret of the sword,” he says, almost as if he’s in a trance. “Then kill Godac.” (Oh, and anytime Maati is involved in some sort of Nazi scheme, someone’s death inevitably results.)
LANG (with an evil chuckle): That’s right, Maati…and then with the aid of Germany
MAATI: Tell me…and I will do it…
LANG: You go back to Tong-Gara…and accuse Lothel and Kyba of abducting Godac…
Done, sold, Bob’s your uncle! One optical wipe later…
MAATI (addressing the Tongghili tribes): Kyba…with the help of Lothel…controls the secret of the sword by holding Godac captive! Only Godac knows the secret!
ORBON: Kyba sent me to search for Godac…we found his trail, but it disappeared in the swamp! One of the captors wore shoes…
Why the heck is Kyba sort of standing around Maati and Orbon (Jim Basquette) so passively? If I were him, I’d have already hired a lawyer…though preferably I’d be hauling ass and elbows through the middle jungle about now.
MAATI: So did the two strangers…Kyba’s friends, who died in the fire…
KYBA: I don’t know any strangers…I told Godac to choose you instead of me…why then should you accuse me of betraying him?
Since Kyba brings up a valid argument, I’m curious to see how Maati will respond other than “I will kill Kyba.” He doesn’t get that opportunity, however, because Lothel has decided to handle her own defense with the sound of a gong and her skipping merrily through the Room of Fire:
LOTHEL: The upper and the lower thrones are empty…and the secret of the sword will be lost forever if Godac is not found…I will find him for you!
MAATI: I believe that you and Kyba know where Godac is! But if you return him unharmed, Kyba’s life will be spared! But if you fail…Kyba walks through fire!
And it burns, burns, burns…the Room of Fire. Seriously…Kyba…buddy…get the hell out of there. I’ve seen your people throw spears…they stink on ice… One sound of the gong later and with the closing of the Fire Room door, Lothel is gone again. (I just want to say that the person who came up with the idea of adding the reverb to actress Ruth Roman’s voice…not a wise choice. Half the time I can’t even hear what the hell she’s saying.)
The scene shifts to Bob and Jungle Jack, paddling away in their stolen canoe, until the two men pull up to the bank and Bob says: “I wish you could go all the way with me.” (Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.)
But J-Jack has got to get back to those “cats” that he’s rounding up for the museum. “The river runs right past Tambosa,” he tells Bob. “You should get there a little after dark.” There is then a cut to the familiar “botanical garden” sign cluing us that we’re now at Nazis R Us, the headquarters of Dr. Bork. Denker (Walter Bonn), Bork’s stooge, is watering some unidentified flora (hey—who says Nazis aren’t meticulous about proper plant care?) when he hears the old secret-phone-inside-the-brick-fireplace ringing.
DENKER: This is Denker…oh…oh yes, Lang…no…no, Doctor Bork isn’t here…yes…yes, I can but…it’s risky…
So here’s what Denker has to do…and incidentally, this is the reason why Germany
LANG: Denker will get her on the other phone and make an indirect connection for us…
WEBER: Why take chances, Lang?
LANG: Oh, they won’t suspect Dr. Bork speaking to her own farm…after all; she’s a famous agriculturalist…a Swede, of course…
Both men laugh at this last remark…I have no idea why. Now…pay attention to that “indirect connection” bit—Denker isn’t equipped with a switchboard…so he has to put the two phones together so that Lang and Bork can converse. What makes this doubly hilarious is that he’s sort of hesitant at first, almost as if he’s trying to work out in his head how this is going to go down. But Nazi ingenuity triumphs in the end!
Joining Bork in Chatterton’s office are Pamela and Chuck Kelly (Eddie Quillan), Bob’s none-too-bright sidekick…both of whom have cleaned up a bit from wandering around in the jungle. Bork, maintaining the illusion that she’s still talking to Denker (“my foreman at the experimental farm”), learns from Lang that “Both Courtney’s safari chief and the American are dead…Lothel is playing right into our hands by hunting for Godac…Maati will rescue him tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Denker,” replies Bork. “I’ll attend to the matter at this end…and I’ll tell Sir Chatterton about the drums…”
CHATTERTON: More jungle telegraphs, Dr. Bork?
BORK (solemnly to Chuck and Pam): Your friends have been…sacrificed to Tongghili vengeance…
PAMELA: Sacrificed?!!
CHUCK: More Nazi murders, you mean… (To Chatterton) After what she told Rogers earlier, sir, we expected the worst…but…
Chuck’s voice trails off as the realization that both Bob and Jack have left this jungle for a better one sinks in. But he’s an American, damn it…and he’s not licked yet!
CHUCK (pointing to the various items on Chatterton’s desk): We can’t trace the wire, the rifle or the spear…but this knife is different—it’s new, and it’s an English make…
PAMELA (quietly) Trace it where, Chuck?
CHUCK: Nazis killed your uncle with this, Pam…the same Nazis that murdered Jungle Jack and Bob…we failed to get those Nazis out there in the jungle…but there’s a chance this knife was bought right here in Tambosa…
CHATTERTON: I say—if it was…
CHUCK: It if was, we’ve got to find out who bought it and who took it into the jungle…
CHATTERTON: Good man, Rogers!
Top hole! Well, there’s one dissenter in the “good man” ranks…and that’s kindly Doc Bork, who definitely doesn’t want nosy Chuck to do any more snooping about this knife bidness.
CHUCK: Nazis…huh!
BORK: You haven’t a very high opinion of German espionage…have you, Mr. Kelly?
CHUCK: Not of their methods and morals…but…they’re smart…
BORK: Well, I must go… (To Pamela) Let me again express my sympathies for the tragic death of your uncle…I’ve lost a friend…
PAMELA (tearfully): So have the Tongghili…
Chuck, to his credit, isn’t buying Dr. B’s act so easily. “She lost a friend…she wasn’t even at the funeral!” (Hey, Charles…that Nazi plant farm doesn’t run itself, you know.) “I wish I’d have stayed with Bob,” he adds and then there’s a quick bit o’footage of Bob paddling along in his outrigger outside of Tambosa to let the audience known he’s doing fine. Back in Chatterton’s office:
CHUCK: We know the Nazis are in the middle jungle…we also know that they want to control the Tongghili…
CHATTERTON: Yes…by playing on the grief or power of some native who wants to take Godac’s place…
PAMELA: The abduction of Godac is the key to the whole situation…
CHATTERTON: Quite…the Nazis will torture from him the secret of his power…tell it to their own candidate, whom the Tongghili will then obey…
PAMELA: …and so rule the tribes through their traitor…that must be their plan!
Wow…for a minute there, I was afraid that clunky exposition exchange wasn’t going to go anywhere. Chuck then posits that if they can grab the Nazi’s agents, they can put the kibosh on the whole scheme—and that’s when Chatterton’s phone rings.
CHATTERTON: Hello there—Chatterton here…yes…oh, hello Rogers Rogers
CHUCK: Where was “Baby” bought?
CHATTERTON: From a character called “Tambosa Tim”…he keeps a grog shop…
PAMELA: I know the place! It’s on the waterfront…
And so Pamela and Chuck head off to Tambosa Tim’s (Motto: “Ask about our clam chowder…but only if you’re not planning on eating any.”) where a delightfully surly waiter (Al Woods) named “Bilge” serves our heroes up some liquid refreshment with a smile. “We ain’t much on lemonade…so if it tastes rancid-like…don’t complain.”
CHUCK (handing him a coin) Here…keep what’s left over…
BILGE (surprised at getting a tip): Thanks, mister…
CHUCK: Is your boss around?
BILGE: My boss? (He points in the direction of a large, sweaty man fanning himself and chatting it up with a customer) That’s him there…the big fellow, talkin’…always like that…
CHUCK: Tell him I want to see him when he’s got time…
BILGE: He’s got plenty of that, mate…
The Sydney Greenstreet-looking guy at the bar—the one that looks like he’s using an off-brand of detergent (seriously…Lothel and Chuck keep their nice white clothing looking brand-new while in the jungle…what’s Tim’s problem?)—is “Tambosa” Tim (Cy Kendall), who engages in a windy conversation of old sea stories to a weary customer:
TIM: …well, as I was sayin’…the tide fell twenty feet in them parts…and when it had, we turned out all hands and patched the holes in the bottom of the schooner’s hull (laughing) and booted ‘er off them rocks at full tide… (More laughing) High, wide and handsome!
Only one of these adjectives could accurately describe the man known as…Tim.
TIM (still laughing, and then notices he’s been joined by his waiter): Someday I’ll launch you, Bilge…now what is it you want?
BILGE (pointing in the direction of Chuck and Pam): Couple over there wants to talk to ya…
TIM: Huh…what about?
BILGE: Search me…
TIM: Heh…if I did I’d probably find a lot of things I lost…
It’s this gay, witty banter and distinguished old-world charm that has earned Tim’s establishment four stars in the Michelin Red Guide, by the way. Tim waddles over to where our heroes are sitting.
TIM: I’m Tambosa Tim…what can I do you for?
CHUCK (producing the knife from his suit pocket): Know where I can get another knife like this?
TIM (staring at it intently) Huh…where d’ya find this one?
CHUCK: Picked it up in the jungle…
TIM: Well…how it’d happen you brought it here?
CHUCK: Friend claims you can tell me where to get another, if anyone can…
TIM: Smart friend you got…
Never a good idea to assume too much, Timmy.
TIM: You know Captain Drake?
CHUCK: No…
TIM: The captain of the Silver Star…the schooner that’s tied up outside…
Oh, that Captain Drake. (Schmuck.)
TIM: He…uh…he got a gross of them kinda rippers in a deal once…maybe he hasn’t sold them all yet…?
CHUCK: Thanks…I’ll go there now…
(Chuck rises from the table, and Pamela joins him)
TIM: Tell ‘em I sent ya…maybe you’ll get a better price!
Wow…you know, it’s entirely possible I misjudged Timothy. I mean, sure…just because character great Kendall’s cinematic stock-in-trade is genuine scumbags (his character and the dive he’s running is reminiscent of his role as “Lucky” Kamber in that same year’s Secret Agent X-9, also released by Universal) doesn’t mean that he wasn’t honestly trying to help Chuck and Pamela out…
BORK: You handled it very well…
TIM: Everything I do, I do good…
Well…so much for that jumped-to conclusion.
TIM: Ain’t it risky…them two goin’ on the Silver Star?
BORK: No…because Miss Courtney and Mr. Kelly will never leave there…
TIM: Suppose their friends trace them here?
BORK: Admit you sent them to Captain Drake…he’ll deny ever having seen them…
Chuck! Pam! Turn back, you morons! Captain Drake is working for the Na…oh, it’s no use…they can’t hear me. After asking an old salt (Harry Cording) whom the IMDb humorously identifies as “Husky Desk Sailor” (he’s also wearing a fetching neck scarf, which is good for a giggle) our sitting ducks are introduced to the equally slimy (though he clearly has someone doing his laundry) Captain Drake (Oliver Blake):
DRAKE (seeing Chuck and Pam): Well…well, a delegation…now ain’t that interestin’…I’m Drake…who are you?
CHUCK: Tambosa Tim told us you had more knives like this… (He brandishes the one shown to Tim earlier) I’d like to buy them…
DRAKE: Tambosa Tim, huh…that does it…the old pirate…I don’t trust his friends…
PAMELA: Oh, but we’re trusted by Mr. Chatterton, the Royal Commissioner…
But Captain Drake couldn’t care if it was Royal Crown Cola. Despite Chuck’s admonition that “if you’re looking for trouble, Drake, you’re liable to find it”—this guy steps into the picture…
Drake orders the non-Husky Deck Sailor to truss up our two chuckleheaded heroes like a pair of prized steers…but when the swab asks Chuck to hold out hands, for one brief shining moment Chuck attempts to redeem himself in this serial by taking both men on!
Go, Chuck! Go!
Hit ‘em, bwah!
Oh…never mind…incidentally, that’s why Bob’s been bitching at you to visit the gym more. So, it’s lights out for Charles, and back at the Office of the Royal Desk Jockey, Bob is explaining to Chatterton that the rumors of his death have been greatly exaggerated.
BOB: …and so…Jungle Jack is back in his camp and…I’m here…
CHATTERTON: Mr. Kelly and Miss Courtney will certainly be glad to see you!
BOB: I’m sorry I missed them…I took my time coming through town, not knowing the way…
“Had the Sizzling Skillet Fajitas at Applebee’s…it’s all good…” And then Rogers, Chatterton’s “good man,” enters the office with a disturbing bit of news:
CHATTERTON: But Rogers
“Yes, old man…communications device…invented by Don Ameche…”
BOB: Then…Pam and Chuck have been framed!
Get a load of the righteous indignation on Bob’s face. (That earned a hearty laugh from me.) With less than two minutes to go in the sixth chapter, it’s Robert to the Rescue! He rushes out of the office, and it’s on to Tambosa Tim’s:
TIM: Remember ‘em? Nice young couple? Of course I remember ‘em…I never forget nobody, never…I sent ‘em over to Captain Drake’s…
BOB: Where can I find him?
TIM: The schooner out in front…he’s got the kind of knives they want…friendly man, Captain Drake is…
“If you’re fond of scorpions…” So next stop—the Silver Star. As Drake and his men are loading up cargo, Bob has a few questions to ask:
BOB: I’m looking for some friends…Miss Courtney and Mr. Kelly…they were sent here by Tambosa Tim…
Just wanted to interrupt to give you a better look at this “Husky Deck Sailor” guy since the first time he was in this thing it was too dark. He looks like Vernon Dent’s gay twin.
DRAKE: Never met them two…never saw ‘em…never anybody around here like that…
BOB: They came to see you about a hunting knife…
DRAKE: A hunting knife, you say? And what would a sailor know about hunting knives?
Busted! Seeing the knife in question on Drake’s belt, Bob whips out his shooting iron and holds the Captain at gunpoint. After some initial resistance, Drake agrees to lead Bob to where he’s holding them captive…but Husky Deck Sailor guy, who has been watching this exchange, drops a deadly load of cargo down on Bob!
1 comment:
Both men laugh at this last remark…I have no idea why.
I swear, I think all horrible movie serials are required by the Constitutions of several major nations to have people laugh at innocuous dialogue.
I laughed so hard at Mr Nazi Ingenuity's smug expression when he figured out how to put two phones together. He must possess many advanced technical degrees.
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