Welcome to Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s kickoff of our new Monday feature: Doris Day(s)! The mission is simple: to poke fun at every episode of the apparently forgotten The Doris Day Show, a sitcom ratings winner for the CBS Television Network from 1968 to 1973.
I say “apparently forgotten” because after its network run,
the series wasn’t syndicated much.
There’s no doubt a reason for this: personally, it hasn’t held up well
at all, with a blandness that rivals our previous blog project, Mayberry
R.F.D. (Let me put it this
way—compared to the Day show, R.F.D. is vanilla pudding with a
dash of Tabasco .) As of this writing, I’m a handful of episodes
away from completing the second season of the show and while there were a few
moments that made me smile, overall the program does Dodo a disservice—there
are only occasional flashes of the wit that made her one of the premiere movie
stars of the 1950s and 1960s. (And while
I don’t want to keep comparing it to R.F.D., unlike that series there is
not a laugh-out-loud moment in every episode.)
So before we start this week’s visit…how about we introduce
the dramatis personae?
Doris needs little introduction—the popular film star and singer began making movies in 1948 (with Romance on the High Seas) but twenty years later learned that her particular kind of filmmaking was out of vogue. So she cast her lot in television (the story goes that her bidness manager hubby, Marty Melcher, contracted her to do the show and that she only learned about it after he snuffed it), playing the role of Doris Martin—a widow who returns to her father’s ranch to live with her two sons in bucolic bliss.
The role of
Fran Ryan is Aggie Thompson, who is employed as a housekeeper at Rancho Webb. Ryan, who would win a Marjorie Main look-a-like contest in a walk, was just starting to appear on TV (she had a few movie and boob tube credits on her C.V.) at this time…but for reasons that are unknown to me, she was only in the first ten episodes of The Doris Day Show before her character vanished, never to be heard from again. (Police say it’s a cold case.) Wikipedia has explained her absence by mentioning that she was replacing Barbara Pepper as Doris Ziffel on Green Acres…but that didn’t happen until the fall of 1969, so I’m not sure I buy that. (Actress Naomi Stevens will pinch-hit for Fran in the remaining Day Show segments as “Juanita.”) Fran later played Miss Hannah on Gunsmoke (she took over the
Familiar TV face James Hampton plays Leroy B.
These are
The final member of the Martin-Webb household—yes, the damn dog actually gets a credit—is Nelson…or “Lord Nelson,” to use his full stage name. I know
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will
be
The future’s not ours
to see
Que sera, sera
Yes, the song that Dodo introduced in the Alfred Hitchcock
thriller The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956)
has been refashioned as her TV theme song…with a chorus of kids singing along
after Doris ’ first few bars. (I guess they thought people would think it
was her kids on the show…but believe me, those little mooks get an opportunity
to warble later on and they are not good.) You can watch the first season opening via
YouTube; I believe it was my friend Matt Hinrichs who once described it as
resembling a feminine hygiene commercial:
TOBY: What did you wish?
LEROY: Well, she can’t tell you
that, Toby…if she does, her wish won’t come true…
TOBY: They never come true anyway…
Buck tells Leroy to go fetch the presents, and while he does
that young Billy and Toby ask their mother if she was really surprised. “I really was,” she replies, giving her
youngest a hug. Leroy then brings
several gifties, and Doris opens the first one—a token
of Leroy’s esteem.
BILLY: What is it?
LEROY: No, it’s a rock…
AGGIE: Well, what’s it for?
LEROY: To keep paper from blowin’
off the desk…
LEROY: Well…I guess you could call it that…
Young Billy also has an important announcement regarding his
mother’s natal anniversary…though it might have been a good idea to wipe the
frosting off his mouth first.
BILLY: Me and Toby’s got a present, too…
TOBY: Uh-huh!
BILLY: We’re gonna take you out to
a big fancy dinner in a nightclub!
TOBY: Saturday night!
TOBY: And we’re gonna pay for it
with our own money!
TOBY: You said it, boy!
BILLY: Toby and me been workin’
three weeks to save up!
“Double shifts at the fertilizer factory!” Doris is overwhelmed by
this gesture, and of course cannot agree to not go. So a dissolve brings us to Saturday night, as
Doris is preparing for her “big date.”
Far out.
“Steve” is Doris ’ dear departed
husband. As the old joke goes—he’s not
dead; he just departed. All seriousness
aside, the explanation for why Steve is no longer among the living goes unexamined
on the show…let’s just take the initiative and fill in a little of the
backstory by saying he was killed in a fertilizer factory explosion.
Buck makes Doris promise to tell him all about the occasion
by assuring her that he’ll wait up for her…so while she gets herself assembled,
she asks him to shut her bedroom door behind him while she hies herself to the
bathroom. Inside the bathroom, Doris
can be heard singing Que Sera, Sera
as her two sons sneak into her room.
Those little minxes remove her wallet from her purse, setting up the
eventual plot conflict of this episode.
TOBY: You sure it’s not stealing?
BILLY: Of course not…we’re not taking a wallet, we’re just moving it…and you know if Mom had any
money, she’d want to pay for
everything…right?
TOBY: Right…
A dissolve finds Leroy pulling up to the house in a station
wagon; he enters the house and yells up at Doris that
he’s brought the car around. He passes
by Aggie, who is carrying a girdle with her—she heads up the stairs and into Doris ’
room at the same time the Martin boys emerge from their room dressed to the
nines (or as well-dressed as kids can be, I suppose).
BILLY: We already counted it fifty times!
TOBY: Can we just look at it again?
BILLY: Boy, are you a pest…
Billy shows his brother a change purse stuffed with funds,
and that seems to pacify the little scamp.
Then Doris appears on the stairs…
…ah…a vision of loverliness.
TOBY: Wow!
BILLY: You sure look pretty, Mom!
BILLY: We can’t tell you!
TOBY: It’s a secret!
DORIS: Oh…well…that does present a
problem, fellas…because since I’m doing the driving, and you’re the only ones
who know where we’re going—we may never get there…have you thought about that?
So Billy pulls a piece of paper out of his suit pocket and
hands it to his mother. She doesn’t
recognize the restaurant and so she asks him where he found the place—he
responds: “It’s real fancy…had a neat ad in the phone book!” The three of them are then off for an evening
of fine dining, as Aggie watches from the top of the stairs and Buck &
Leroy look on from the kitchen.
LEROY: They sure make a lovely couple…
Presenting the fancy nightclub! La Ptomaine!
Yes, Doris’ boys have brought her to a road house that is painted in three broad strokes: a waiter maliciously snuffs out the life of a fly with a swatter; a man in close-up loads his food with catsup; and another patron gobbles down a pickled egg while licking his fingers.
BILLY: We were sure lucky to find
this place…huh, Tobe?
Lucky to get to it before the Board of Health, anyway. A man who I could facetiously describe as the
maitre d’ approaches Doris and asks if he can help her—the boys respond by
telling him they have a “reservation.”
So the man takes them over to a table where a man is asleep with his head
on the table; the maitre d’ pulls him away from the table, then straightens it
and invites the Martin family to be seated.
The actor playing their gracious host is character veteran Norman Alden, who despite his lengthy resume of film and TV roles is perhaps best remembered for playing a mechanic named Lou in a series of popular AC Delco commercials. He did quite a bit of voice work—he was Aquaman on the Super Friends series—and had regular gigs on a variety of TV series including Not for Hire, Hennesey, Rango, My Three Sons and Fay. Personally, I remember Norm for two roles—he was the guy (Coach Fedders) who drowned in a bowl of chicken soup prepared by Mary Hartman Mary Hartman…and he was Frank Heflin, the Alexander Waverly-ish advisor to Electro Woman and Dyna Girl.
MANAGER: Well, lady…you want a
cocktail or beer or somethin’ before you order your dinner?
TOBY: That’s a good idea!
BILLY: We’ll have two Hopalong
Cassidys…
(The manager stares at Doris )
MANAGER: You…you want a…
MANAGER: On the rocks…
The manager gets the attention of a waiter—who is also a familiar face to TV brethren and sistren. Leonard Stone’s best-known role is undoubtedly that of Sam Beauregard, the used car salesman whose daughter Violet (Denise Nickerson) is magically transformed into a blueberry in the 1971 cult kids’ classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. He turns up in a lot of the 1967-70 Dragnet episodes (though not as many as I previously thought) and played Doc Joslyn on the 1965-66 summer camp sitcom
WAITER: Do you wanna order now?
BILLY: Can we have the menus?
WAITER: Don’t need no menu…all we
got are steaks…
BILLY: Well, we’ll have three of
those…
WAITER: Top, New York
TOBY: Yeah!
WAITER: Yeah, what?
BILLY: Dummy…you’re supposed to
pick one…
TOBY: I don’t even know what he’s
talking about!
BILLY (to the waiter): What’s the
best, sir?
WAITER: The filet!
BILLY: Okay…we’ll have three of
those, please…
(The waiter looks at Doris )
So the waiter writes down “3 filets” on his pad…which comes to a total of fifteen dollars. (You yourself may want to write that down…there may be a test on this material later.)
WAITER: Lady…would you like the
little fellow up a little higher at the table?
WAITER: Lamond! Bring me a couple of six packs!
So the helpful Lamond brings over the proper amount of canned brew in order for young Master Toby to be at the right height.
TOBY: Yeah…I guess so…
BILLY: Ain’t that cold?
TOBY: Yeah, it’s crazy!
I can dig it.
BILLY: Heck—we’re loaded, Mom!
And so is everyone else in that joint. But I digress.
TOBY: Heck yeah!
BILLY: We have $7.36!
Guess who’s just discovered her wallet is missing? Cue the sad trombone!
Back from the Ralston-Purina break—and just so you know, the
episodes from these MPI sets appear to either have been edited or time
compressed (or perhaps both) because this one clocks in at twenty-four minutes,
which is about two minutes less than it should be—Doris is starting to get a
little panicky because her big-spending sons aren’t going to be able to cover
the check. Toby and Billy are devouring
their meal with relish (hey—you can’t tell me that didn’t come with the steaks)
while Doris attempts to keep her portion down. She spies a gentleman who’s just finished
using the pay phone, and decides a phone call to the House of Webb is in order.
All Doris gets is a busy signal…and
that’s because Aggie the housekeeper is on the line, talking to someone named
“Paul” about the finer points of Gone
with the Wind. (I swear I am not
making that up.) Doris
slams the phone down in frustration…and then discovers to even more frustration
that the phone has swallowed her nickel…the only one she was able to dig out of
her purse.
MANAGER: What can I do for ya,
lady?
MANAGER: Well, I’ve heard ‘em all
so why don’t you try me?
MANAGER: Mm-hmm…
MANAGER: That’s funny!
MANAGER: You have any
identification?
MANAGER: What about credit cards?
I didn’t know La Ptomaine took Diners’ Club! When Doris tells him
sadly that she has no credit cards he sarcastically returns: “They’re at home
with the joke, huh?”
MANAGER: I have a better idea—why don’t you just come up
with the money before you leave?
MANAGER: No…you look, lady—I have problems here of my own…what you have is two
kids who like to steal wallets…
MANAGER: Hid it…stole it…what
difference does it make?
It makes a great deal of difference to Dodo, who resents the
implication that her kids are petty thieves.
Norm the manager offers to go over and impart to them the lesson that it
is important to make certain you can pay for what you ordered but she threatens
to cut his balls off if he does. Okay, I
exaggerated that last bit—she appeals to his tender side, pleading with him
that Billy and Toby are “ten feet tall” because they’re treating their mom to
the finest cuisine in the area and she won’t have a guy who’s just “tryin’ to
run a business” going over there and spoiling things. “…if I have to go over there to that table
and ruin their evening,” she warns him, “then I want you to see it.”
…
I can’t tell you how disappointed I am right now, Dor. She pleads with the cigar-chomping Norm that
she wasn’t stealing; she just wanted some change to make a phone call and to go
ahead and put it on her bill. She goes
back over to the pay phone and calls the house…but Aggie is into Hour 2 of her Gone with the Wind dissertation. (I’m beginning to see why Aggie only lasted
ten episodes. Either that or she was
stealing from her employer.) Hanging up,
the one-armed bandit takes Doris ’ ill-gotten nickel, and
she punches the phone in rage.
Back at the counter:
MANAGER: Whaddya want, kid?
BILLY: I was wondering if you could
do me a favor?
MANAGER: Like what?
BILLY: Well…tonight’s my Mom’s
birthday…and me and my brother are taking her to dinner with our own money…
MANAGER: And you hid her wallet
before you left the house…
BILLY: How did you know that?
MANAGER: Forget it, kid…what’s the
favor?
BILLY: Well…I was wondering if you
could bring a little birthday cake with a candle to our table and sing ‘Happy
Birthday’?
MANAGER: You’re puttin’ me on…
Billy tells him they can pay, and mentions the $7.36
largesse he and Toby earned sweeping out cisterns…and the tough manager’s
crusty façade starts to crack. Billy returns to the table, and while Doris
tells her two boys that it’s not only the best dinner she’s ever had but the
best present she’s ever received…there is a problem.
BILLY (grabbing the check): We’re
paying… (He looks at it) $19.48?!!
(Both kids’ eyes get wide as
saucers, then the manager arrives)
MANAGER: All right…what’s the
trouble here?
BILLY: We can’t pay the check!
MANAGER: You can’t, huh…? Lemme see the check… (He takes it from Billy)
Oh…this is the wrong check, stupid…
(To the waiter) This is for table 12!
WAITER: Whaddya talkin’ about? You know you haven’t…
(He grunts as the manager kicks him
in the shins)
MANAGER: Table 12…
WAITER: Table 12…
The manager hands Billy a tab…that totals $7.36. (He even adjusts it so the kids can leave a
tip.) A grateful Doris
thanks him, and he mutters “Well, I’m not through with you yet, lady…” He puts his fingers in his mouth to whistle
loudly, and the wait staff and “chefs” bring out an apple pie with a candle in
it to sing Happy Birthday to You.
MANAGER: Lady…uh…don’t say anything…just…do me a favor, will
ya? Next year on your birthday…don’t
come here…I can’t afford ya…
Coda time!
TOBY: And a chocolate sundae!
“Bring your brass knuckles…I’ll bring the penicillin.”
BILLY: The best part about it,
Grandpa…the whole thing came to $7.36…
TOBY: With a tip!
BILLY: That’s exactly what we had!
BILLY: No…we planned it that way…
Well…it would be more accurate to say that Dick Bensfield
and Perry Grant—the two men most responsible for the drek that was Mayberry
R.F.D.—planned it that way, since they wrote this dumb script. There’s more gooey sentiment with Doris
burbling about how nice the evening was, and then hugs and kisses are exchanged
as the kids are trundled off to bed.
Buck lifts up the receiver…and Aggie is on the extension,
still waxing nostalgic about GWTW. She tells “Paul” about how Clark Gable fell
off the jumping horse and got killed.
Buck interrupts her to scold her about talking for two and a half
hours…and to remind her that it was Thomas Mitchell that drew his rations. “And you’re next,” Doris
says into the phone…which to my mind is as good as a confession any day of the
week.
11 comments:
I know I watched this series since my dad loved DD and controlled our only TV, but outside of Que Sera, Sera (hey, if it's good enough for Sly Stone...), the only strong memory I have of the show is of Billy DeWolfe, and he's not around this early.
I know I watched this series since my dad loved DD and controlled our only TV
I feel your pain, by the way.
the only strong memory I have of the show is of Billy DeWolfe, and he's not around this early
Yeah, he turns up in Season 2 as an officious electric company knob--I just happened to watch this one Sunday. Before I dug into the MPI sets, the only memory I had of the show were the John Dehner-Jackie Joseph years. (Jackie was, of course, married to Ken Berry at one time...proving everything comes back to R.F.D.)
I only barely remember this show in reruns and even then, my primary memory is the credit for Lord Nelson. That's because I had a poster in my room as a little girl of a dog of that exact breed (like I know what it is) surrounded by grass and some wildflowers just like in the opening. In retrospect, I wouldn't be surprised if it WAS Lord Nelson.
Philip Brown must have been one of the Platypi in Fitzwilly. Neat. According to online sources, Starke was killed in a motorcycle accident when he was only 21 in 1983.
Still, it's hilarious that his first (and only) real gig starts with him giving a rock as a present.
DORIS, GIVE THAT DOG BACK. IT IS NOT YOURS.
DORIS, GIVE THAT DOG BACK. IT IS NOT YOURS.
I suppose when I stop and think about it...stealing the tip money isn't such a big deal for a woman who's a certified dognapper.
You gave it up much too early. START with Season 3 and go on to Season 4. THEY WERE THE BEST!!!
You gave it up much too early. START with Season 3 and go on to Season 4. THEY WERE THE BEST!!!
All in good time, my friend. It's all about pacing.
I remember seeing this episode the first time it aired. I especially remember the quick zoom to the ketchup and the french fries in the diner scene.
This was as adventurous as the cinematography got. I can't help thinking that they would have tried more New Wave-ish stuff, but the camera operator gave himself whiplash and a hernia during the french fries shot, so they decided to leave well enough alone.
This was as adventurous as the cinematography got. I can't help thinking that they would have tried more New Wave-ish stuff, but the camera operator gave himself whiplash and a hernia during the french fries shot, so they decided to leave well enough alone.
There's a rumor that the original cinematographer on this was Michael Snow, who attempted to duplicate what he did with Wavelength (1967). I think Dodo fired him.
(Okay, I may have made that up.)
Ivan, darling though Doris Day always is, watching this one episode of THE DORIS DAY show was enough. Oy, I bet "Dodo" wished she was in Hitchcock's version of THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH instead! But you can't be too irked with that with that swell supporting cast in this episode. Heck, you had me as "Brisco Darling," always one of Team Bartilucci's favorite recurring TV characters, and Norman Alden is always fun to see and hear (Team B first liked him in the animated AQUAMAN. I must also applaud Stacia's great taste in movies, since you mentioned FITZWILLY, one of Team B's favorite Christmas movies; who doesn't love a little larceny in one's movie holiday? :-D
Seeing the ketchup at the greasy spoon where Doris and Family ate, Carly Simon's "Anticipation" became an earworm (albeit an enjoyable one) in my head! This was a hoot! Swell job, pal!
I just read your review again after finding & watching this episode on the MeTV website. This series was carried on Nashville's WTVF starting around 1977, and this, being the premiere episode, is the first I ever remember watching in full at my friends' house. I was confused, though, as I only remembered the opening credits from the San Francisco years, so I didn't know why she was on a farm here. WTVF carried the show through at least 1 full cycle, as I remember seeing what I thought was a hilarious episode that involved her final boss, Cy, falling off a stool, I think while appearing on some tv show. I saw a few of the DVD extras while visiting a friend in NYC, who had the full 5-season set, and I was impressed with the audio quality of some tv or radio announcements that Doris recorded.
I just noticed an unusual connection here. Doris Martin was married to a guy named Steve. Did that make him a "Wild & Crazy Guy"? Steve Martin was by this time already working on THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR.
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