Is there anything positive I can say about this week’s installment of Doris Day(s), “The Date”? Well, we shan’t have to endure the tired antics of Leroy B.
So I’ll try to make this week’s write-up as short as I can,
since we’d have to do some major league spelunking to locate any comedy in this
thing. We start with a scene involving
the Laird and Master of Webb Farms, Buck Webb (Denver Pyle), as he attempts to
help grandson Billy Martin (Philip Brown) with his homework. It is mentioned in the dialogue that Billy is
doing the “new math”—which only made me laugh because I immediately thought of
that Tom Lehrer song. (“Now let’s not
always see the same hands…”) Billy’s fromage-loving
brother, Toby (Tod Starke), is also on hand but as usual—he’s of little
help. To help Billy with the problem,
Buck prepares to cut an apple pie into sections…ferchrissake, Buck—that’s supposed
to be for breakfast!
BILLY: What are using a pie for?
BUCK: You wanna ask questions
or…do… (Struggling with cutting the pie) …you wanna learn?
BILLY: I want to learn!
TOBY: I want to eat!
“I like cheese!”
JUANITA: Toby, you already had dessert…
TOBY: This isn’t dessert…
“This is breakfast!”
BUCK: All right…now…here we’ve
got…uh… (He glares at Toby) Seven
pieces of pie…now, let’s suppose…you invite seven friends over to the house for
pie…but three of them don’t eat pie…
BILLY: All my friends eat pie…
BUCK: All right…let’s make it…four
friends and three strangers that
don’t eat pie…now…they come over to the house…and all your friends eat pie—how
many pieces you got left?
BILLY: None…
BUCK: None?
BILLY: Piggy Johnson always eats three pieces…
BUCK: Billy…if the Johnsons wanted
their little boy to be called “Piggy,” they wouldn’t have named him
“Harold”—would they?
BILLY: Right—but no matter what you
call him, he’ll still eat three
pieces of pie…
Haha, let’s all fat-shame the Johnson boy. The Widder Martin (Doris) enters the kitchen
to break up this comedy think-tank, and is dressed to the nines because
presumably she has another date with
the guy in whose car she left the earring.
She instructs her kidlings that it’s bedtime.
TOBY (with a mouth full of pie);
We’re not finished with Billy’s homework yet…
DORIS: As far as I’m concerned, you
are—now come on…into the tub and to bed…
Buck tells his daughter that he’ll handle the
preparing-for-bed chores, and she kisses the little pukes goodnight as they
head up the stairs.
DORIS (doing a fashion twirl): Hey! You didn’t say one word about my new dress!
BILLY: You sure look pretty, Mom…
DORIS: Thanks!
TOBY: Yeah…and you don’t smell bad,
either!
Oh, that Toby—he’s a pistol.
Juanita also takes it upon herself to compliment the boss lady because
negotiations for a raise are scheduled for the end of the month.
JUANITA: Oh, I just want to get
caught up…
DORIS: You worked all day!
Why don’t you relax and get your feet up and cool it?
JUANITA: Oh…I’d much rather iron
than just sit around and do nothing…now don’t you think about us tonight,
Chiquita—you just have a good time… (She gives Doris a hug) Have a delicious
dinner by candlelight…and listen to the beautiful music…and really enjoy yourself…
“And don’t for one minute think about me and my soul-sucking
existence of ironing your freaking wardrobe…I mean it, go live the life I can’t!” Well, Doris is experiencing slight pangs of
guilt as she enters the living room where her father asks (I did chuckle at
this): “Hey—was there ever a kid who liked
going to bed?”
BUCK: Hey…what’s the matter with
you?
DORIS: Juanita…here I am going out
for the evening and she’s in there ironing…
BUCK: Well, why don’t you tell her
to quit?
DORIS: I did! She says that it passes
the time…she has nothing else to do…
BUCK: Oh…
“But a few stingers under my belt, and I won’t give a flying
frog’s ass—don’t wait up, Pop!” Okay,
just having a bit of snark—Doris is really concerned about ‘Nita, because she
can’t remember the last time she had an evening out (that would suggest that the
onus is on you, Dor).
BUCK: But who?
DORIS (realization sets in): Frank
Gorian!
Of course! It’s so
simple, it was right there in front of us the whole time—Frank Gorian! So who’s Frank Gorian when he’s not tending
bar? Well, he’s one of Buck’s best
friends…but Buck is reticent to get involved in this “fix-up”:
DORIS: Look—it would be such a nice thing to do…
BUCK: Well, now wait a
minute…now…Frank knows Juanita…if he wants to take her out, he can come up and
ask her…
DORIS: You know he won’t do that—he’s so shy…
That sweet little boy who caught her eye?
DORIS: …he needs a little push…
BUCK: He’s not going to get it from
me…
DORIS: Well, then he’s going to
have to get it from me…
Check and mate, Uncle Jesse!
So the next day, Doris pays a visit to the establishment run by Mr.
Gorian…
Anyway, Doris breaks the ice with a leetle joke: “Oh, I see
you caught another fly with your vice—huh, Frank?” Get it?
He’s making fishing flies in a
vise. (Well, it killed in rehearsal.)
FRANK: You didn’t come all the way
down here to tell me that joke…
DORIS: No…not really…
FRANK: Good…
DORIS: Um…say, Frank…
FRANK: Mind holding this a second,
Doris?
Frank wants Doris to hold a thread while he works on the
fly, and in that time she starts to promote a potential coupling with he and
Juanita.
FRANK: Mm-hmm…
DORIS: Probably don’t…get out much
at all, do you?
FRANK: Yeah…on weekends…
DORIS: Oh, you do?
FRANK: Mm-hmm…fishing…
DORIS: Oh…no…I meant…you know…at
night…
FRANK: It’s against the law to fish
at night…
Doris then tells him about a fictional conversation she had
with Juanita (“Isn’t she a love?”) as to why she’s never done the town with
Frank (she says he’s never asked her).
“What are you driving at?” Frank asks Doris, because he’s clearly a man
who likes to cut through the B.S.
DORIS: Wouldn’t you like to…maybe
take her out some night, huh?
FRANK: Nope…
DORIS: Why not?
FRANK (after a pause): Too busy…
DORIS: Well, now—you must have some free time…
FRANK: Nope…
DORIS: Don’t you ever go out?
FRANK: Nope…
DORIS (after a pause): Well…if I
asked you to do me a very special favor…would you take her out?
FRANK: Yep…
DORIS (surprised): Did you say
‘yeah’?
FRANK: Yep…
DORIS: What made you change your
mind?
FRANK (smiling): You asked me as a
very special favor…
JUANITA: How do I look, huh?
DORIS: You look fabulous…really…I love that dress on
you—it’s groovy…
Far out.
BUCK (from downstairs):
Juanita! Frank’s here!
JUANITA: Doris…what’ll I do?
DORIS: You’re gonna go downstairs
and say ‘Hello, Frank’…
JUANITA: Hello, Frank…
DORIS: Hello, Frank…and then maybe
you’ll say ‘How are you, Frank’?
JUANITA: How are you…oh, this is ridiculous—I’m not a scared little
teenager; I’m a grown woman!
And in all the right places, too. Still, Juanita does experience a few jitters
when she eventually makes her way downstairs and greets Frank. The two of them are off to hopefully shag
like minxes later on, but when Buck yells at him out the window “There’s a good
movie at the drive-in, Frank!” Doris yanks him away in disgust.
A dissolve, and we find Buck creeping downstairs in his bathrobe—he stops and looks to see that it’s 12:10 by the living room clock. He steps outside on the porch for a moment to scrutinize the neighborhood…and upon hearing a door slam shut, books it back into the kitchen and opens another door—the one belonging to the fridge. Pulling out a pitcher of fresh Webb Farms milk, he decides to pour himself a glass to drink with his cookies…and is soon joined by daughter Doris.
BUCK: Just thought I’d have myself
a midnight snack…
DORIS: I think I’ll join you…
BUCK: Speaking of midnight—where do
you suppose they are?
“Probably getting it on in the bed of his pickup…”
DORIS: Out having a good time, I
hope…
BUCK: Well, it’s 12:15—it’s late!
DORIS: Late? I hope they stay out ‘til three o’clock in
the morning…
BUCK: Three o’clock?
DORIS: Sure—that means they’re
having a real good time…
DORIS: Well—what do you think about
that?
BUCK: I’ll tell you what I think…I
think you’re in a lot of trouble…
DORIS: Oh…what do you mean by that?
BUCK: Well, you saw her…
DORIS: Sure, I saw her…
BUCK: She’s hearin’ weddin’
bells! And unless I miss my guess, young
lady—you just lost yourself a good housekeeper!
Nonsense, Buck—that’s not scheduled to happen until next
season! So let’s pay a few bills with
some of Ralston-Purina’s money.
Act Two: Frank is in his shop, still futzing with his flies. Buck enters, says a few words of praise for Frank’s splendid work, and then agrees to a cup of coffee (apparently he keeps a mug there for just such emergencies). Buck takes a swig of Frank’s java, then makes a face to let us know how horrible it is.
BUCK: Well—you’re not going to have to be puttin’ up with this stuff much longer…
FRANK: What do you mean?
BUCK: You know what I mean…
“Nudge nudge…nudge nudge…know what I mean? Say no
more...know what I mean?”
BUCK: Juanita makes fine coffee…
“Manizales to contribute mellowness…Medellins to add
richness…other choice coffees are added for vigor…and for fine, full body, she
blends in superb Bucaramangas.” Frank
agrees with Buck on Juanita’s coffee-preparing prowess because “she’s a fine
woman”—and Buck adds that he and Doris couldn’t be happier. “About Juanita’s coffee?” Frank asks.
You know what he means, you sly dog.
FRANK: Now hold on, Buck—you sound
like you got Juanita and me paired up…
BUCK: Well, I just thought that…
FRANK: Look, Buck—I had a lot of
fun with Juanita…
“I took a few liberties, if you know what I mean…and I think
you do…”
FRANK: …we got along great…but I did was invite her to a dance…
BUCK: Well, I…uh…assumed that you
were…
FRANK: You assumed wrong…
BUCK: I did?
FRANK: Yeah…invitin’ someone to a
dance is a far cry from invitin’ them to a wedding, huh?
Well…unless you’re dancing at a wedding, I suppose. No, this is not one of those cases…and Buck
was a maroon for hinting that Frank and Juanita would soon be cha-cha-cha-ing
down the aisle. Back at Rancho Webb,
Doris is helping the kids construct a school project (it appears to be some sort
of carnival ride) with an erector set that I have to tell you looks kind of
cool:
Though why the two of them would be working on the same project when they’re each in separate grades goes unexplained (the co-scribe for this episode, E. Duke Vincent, later went into TV production with shows like Melrose Place and Charmed, so that might explain why it makes no sense). Tobias and William have asked for their mother’s help because Grandpa couldn’t make headway with the project. “Well, I’m the only genius in the family,” Doris replies, suffering a mild sprain from patting herself on the back. (“Yes—I am awesome!”)
BUCK: I went in to see Frank this
afternoon…
DORIS: And?
BUCK: Well, I…I got to kidding
around about happy you and I are…
DORIS: About what?
BUCK: About him and Juanita…and…I
got a feelin’ that he thought I meant more than I meant and I…
“You imbecile! You
bloated idiot!” Buck did make me laugh
when he responded to Doris’ query of “Then why didn’t you tell me that you did
that?” with “Because I’m a coward.” (“I
made a boom-boom in my drawers, daughter.”)
As Doris gives us a little sideeye, the next scene finds her at Frank’s trying to repair the damage that her dumbass father caused. She hems and haws about going about it, pretending to be interested in purchasing a flashlight and some compasses for the boys.
DORIS: Now, Frank…you’re not a
child…and I suppose you can take care of yourself…
“You haven’t had any of my coffee—have you, Dor?”
FRANK: She’s not?
DORIS: Uh-uh…she sure isn’t…she likes
to go out and have a good time—but that
is it…
“She wants to party…she wants to get down…all she wants to
do is…all she wants to do is dance…and make romance.”
DORIS: She’s a confirmed bachelor
lady, that’s what she is…
FRANK: Is that a fact?
DORIS: It’s a fact…
“Look—if she were interested in getting hitched, why the
hell would she still be working for me?”
Having assuaged Frank’s fears that he won’t wake up one night and find
that he’s across the border and married after a night of tequila, his romantic interest
in Juanita continues unabated. Buck is
not quite on board with his daughter’s manipulative scheme, however.
BUCK (carrying in groceries with
Doris): Well, I don’t care…I didn’t like this idea in the beginning and I think
even less of it now…
DORIS: Well, it’s just too late to
do anything about it now…
BUCK: What if Frank don’t call?
DORIS: Don’t be negative…
BUCK: If she finds out you trapped
Frank into calling her—she’ll never forgive you…
DORIS: She’s not going to find out!
Psst! Doris! Behind you!
Oh, screw it—cue the sad trombone! In tears, Juanita refuses to speak to Frank when he calls moments later, and she runs off to wherever the hell her room is. (Furthermore, she doesn’t want to ever speak to him again. Ever! Technically, Doris should be getting the silent treatment—but that’s a bit tricky when she’s your employer.) Doris gets on the phone and tells Frank that Juanita is busy and can’t come to the phone right now but “she’d love to see you,” prompting this priceless reaction from her fadduh:
Okay, if I have to spend any more time with this episode I’m going to start experiencing severe abdominal cramps, so let’s cut to the quick. Frank, unaware that he’s as popular with Juanita as ebola (come to think of it, that might explain my cramps), arrives at the house that evening with some posies—expecting a date with his lady love. That’s when Doris drops the bomb:
FRANK: What’s the matter—is she
sick?
“Oh, yeah—sick at the sight of you!” Doris explains that
this situation is a result of her and her father’s bungling, especially since
Juanita has learned that Doris tricked Frank into coming back for a second
date. Cheesed off, Frank gets ready to
mosey—but Doris pleads with him: “Please don’t let our interfering spoil what
you and Juanita found together…please talk to her.”
So Frank heads upstairs to the accompaniment of dramatic music and bangs on the door to Juanita’s room…but she will have none of his entreaties. We don’t actually see this happen, but he threatens to break down the door and the camera is on Doris and Buck’s reaction as the sound of wood can be heard splintering—then minutes later, Frank escorts Juanita downstairs and she tells Doris and Buck not to wait up. (I’m surprised he didn’t drag her by her hair.) Now you can see why I wasn’t on board with this episode—Frank, who seemed like a nice guy, is reduced to creepy stalker antics.
Speak of that old debbil man, Doris spots Frank outside and an
embarrassed Juanita runs out so that she can change into something more
appropriate. Doris lets Frank in and he
presents her with a little gift—a token of his esteem. But don’t worry: he’s got something for Buck,
too!
I think I may have set a new eye-rolling record during this one. Okay, next time on Doris Day(s)—the final episode of the first season, a little drama entitled “The Five Dollar Bill.” It’s certainly no classic but it does feature two old-time radio veterans who, like Joe De Santis, clearly outclass the material. Join me next time, won’t you?
4 comments:
Former Blue Angel pilot E. Duke Vincent was most successfully associated with Aaron Spelling on all his big shows like "DYNASTY", "90210", "7TH HEAVEN", and "MATT HOUSTON." It was on that last show that he made his very most successful association....he's been married to Pamela Hensley for 32 years.
It's not my proudest moment, but I laughed at the kids being idiots with pie.
As for the rest? Bleh. I've never understood this era of TV show, because you have characters who are appalled at, say, someone going all caveman, while at the same time it's supposed to be funny when the mook acts like that.
I don't understand what he has for Buck. Naughty stories of what he did the night before? OH WAIT I don't want to know.
My BBFF wrote:
I don't understand what he has for Buck.
Aieee! He's holding a replacement door in that shot. (Apologies for not clarifying that.)
Naughty stories of what he did the night before?
But I like your answer better (and wish I had thought of it when writing this thing)...
Ohhh it's the door! I thought he was just peeking in from behind the back door and OH WAIT I'm saying things I wish I wasn't saying again.
Post a Comment