OUR STORY SO FAR: Ever since I decided to resurrect this serial
after its languishing in dormancy since July of 2009, I have received so many
e-mails (well…at least three) from the TDOY
faithful, essentially asking: “Will there be any future chapters of Jungle Queen that contain more unnecessary and pointless expository dialogue than
previous installments?” (Okay, I may
have made that up.) But your prayers
have been answered, fictional e-mailers; this chapter accomplishes very little
towards moving this clambake to its merciful conclusion, and instead takes
precious additional screen time to tell the same story over and over again that
we witnessed in the aforementioned Chapters 1-9. I have to hand it to the guys (writers George
H. Plympton, Ande Lamb and Morgan B. Cox) that scripted this thing,
though—their attempts at being inventive do not lack for an “A” for effort…even
if they fall down on the job every single time.
For as the shenanigans begin in this chapter, we once again
witness a subtle little anti-German title card dig before we find ourselves in
the company of our old pal Herr Heel Clicker, the loyal German officer who
reports to the most notorious (and unseen) Nazi of them all, Obergruppenführer
Heinrich von Doodler.
HEEL CLICKER: A reply from Dr.
Elise Bork concerning a report sent to her by Your Excellency…
VON DOODLER: Continue!
HEEL CLICKER: Elliot’s suspicion is
fact…Godac is now at Mt. Balgan
Since there is then a dissolve to the secret command center
maintained by dedicated radio operator Weber (Louis Adlon), who is in the
dutiful employ of the ruthlessly inefficient Nazi stooge known as Lang
(Douglass Dumbrille), we must assume that “Mt. Balgan ”
is the hideout where Godac (Clinton Rosemond)—the all-powerful judge of the
Tongghili tribes—is being kept under wraps.
LANG: Well, Godac…I brought you
from the caves of Mt. Rudanza
“Heck, even I had
trouble finding this joint…the last time I had to leave a trail of
breadcrumbs!”
GODAC: And here you will kill me…isn’t that it? If I refuse to help you?
LANG: That’s right… (Turning to his
underling, Muller [George Eldredge]) Well, Muller?
MULLER: Weber sent the message…
LANG: And Bork?
MULLER: The last time Weber talked
to the farm he was told that Dr. Bork was still at the Commissioner’s…
So let’s eavesdrop on a conversation being held in the
office of Royal Commissioner and Parking Ticket Validator Braham Chatterton
(Lester Matthews), who is chatting up more exposition dialogue with the
aforementioned Dr. (Elise) Bork (Tala Birell), faux Swedish botanist, and
Pamela Courtney (Lois Collier), professional plot hindrance.
CHATTERTON: Unfortunately, Dr.
Bork, the Nazi agents we’ve captured so far refuse to talk…
BORK: In other words, Mr.
Chatterton…not much progress…
I like how Doc Bork is every bit as haughty and dismissive
with the people who aren’t working
for her as with the folks who are.
PAMELA: But Bob and Chuck are on
the trail of Godac!
BORK: That is good news! Rescuing the
native leader will ensure the friendship of the middle jungle tribes!
CHATTERTON: Ah, it’s still only a
chance…
“I’ve met these American chaps and to be honest…they’re a
bit on the stupid side…”
PAMELA: There’s also a chance that
Godac will be able to give us a lead to the Nazis!
“And he will, too…once he escapes from them.” Pamela
then informs Bork (as if she didn’t already know) that Americans Chuck Kelly
(Eddie Quillan) and Bob Elliot (Edward Norris) went off in the direction of Mt.
Rudanza to look for our pal Gode…with Bob going first, followed by Chuck and
Chatterton’s faithful constabulary. And
that’s where we pick up from last week—the entirely-too-smug Bob was about to
tumble into a chasm where he would be killed and/or eaten by a pride of
ravenous lions once his escape rope snapped in two. Unfortunately, he’s rescued at the last
minute by the titular monarch of this chapter play, the ethereal and mysterious
Lothel (Ruth Roman)…
BOB (catching his breath): Thank you,
Lothel!
LOTHEL: It is my duty to help all true friends of the
middle jungle people…
“Well, not so much a duty as…I have little else to occupy my
time…”
BOB: Do you know if Godac has been
in that cave down there?
LOTHEL: Yes…but he was taken away
from it…
BOB: Oh…that explains the lions…those big cats were attracted by
scraps of food left there…
Nazis. They never clean up after themselves.
BOB: Do you know where Godac is
now?
LOTHEL: He’s been taken to a hiding
place somewhere deeper in the jungle…I have not yet found out where…
BOB: Does anyone else beside Godac
know where the Sword of Tongu is hidden?
More importantly—does anyone still care?
LOTHEL: A traitor named Maati…but he cannot show the sword or
claim to be Godac’s successor…until he proves that Godac is dead…
And with the amount of time wasted talking about ridding
themselves of Godac this thing could have been over already. Bob hears someone calling his name in the
distance, and as if we haven’t endured enough misery so far as this tenth
chapter unfolds, it’s his exasperating sidekick Chuck (who looks like an ant
from this distance). Bob turns back to
resume his conversation with Lothel…who’s vanished in plain sight again. (I know Bob annoys me to no end but he does do
a little “Eh…whaddya gonna do?” bit with his hands that made me snicker.) I snickered again at Chuck’s next line, only
because actor Quillan muffs the first part of it and directors Ray Taylor and
Lewis D. Collins apparently vetoed a second take.
CHUCK: The constabulary are at the
caves…we chased out some lions…
BOB: They chased me first! Lothel saved my life!
CHUCK: Queenie? Aw…did I scare her away?
BOB: Well…she isn’t around here, is
she?
That’s telling him, Bob!
(Dumbass.)
CHUCK: Who got Godac? The lions or the Nazis?
BOB: The Nazis…Lothel says they’ve taken him to a hideout deep in the
jungle…
CHUCK: Has she found it yet?
BOB: No—but I’ve got a good idea
where it is…
CHUCK: The Nazi radio station!
BOB: No place else…
That’s the most maddening thing about Jungle Queen…one second the characters are thick as planks—and the
other they’re making logistical jumps that would set world records for motion
pictures. Bob tells Chuck that they can
get the compass bearings from “Mr. X” (Lumsden Hare), stationed in London …which
sort of makes you wonder why X and his men (hey! X men!) didn’t do this in the first place
before enlisting the volunteer help of these two cretins. So it’s off to Old Blighty, where X (who is
in reality “Lord Bell”) and his undersecretary (George Leigh) are having a
powwow.
MR. X (handing an agent a slip of
paper): By the usual code…Chatterton…Tambosa…
COURIER: Urgent…yes, sir…
UNDERSECRETARY: Don’t you think,
sir, that it would be safer to send
this message to Chatterton by the new code?
MR. X: What’s it matter? The Nazis already know we have the compass bearings giving us the general location of
their jungle wireless…
During the last portion of this exchange, the camera pans in
on a candelabra in X’s office, which conceals a tiny microphone placed there by
those stinking Nazis to eavesdrop on conversations between X and the rest of
his team. It’s monitored by another
faithful radio operator (Eugene Gericke) who doesn’t get bathroom breaks…but
strangely, his room is not in complete darkness as is the usual case but looks
as if though the janitor finally managed to locate a replacement bulb. Hearing X tell his undersecretary about Bob’s
attempt to find where the Nazis are holding Godac captive by the compass
bearings, the operator (identified as X-1) gets on the horn to his superior:
X-1 (into phone receiver):
Hello? Are you there? Put me through to seven-eight-six-one West…
(Pause) X-1 London here…yes…relay at once…compass bearings of middle jungle
radio station by code to Chatterton, Tambosa…Elliot believes Godac there…
He hangs up the phone, and there’s a quick pan to the opposite
side of the room, revealing two British agents!
(I strongly suspect that they were able to detect his presence only by
virtue of the fact that he got some better lighting in the room—“I say,
sir…where’s that light coming from near the candelabra?”)
FIRST AGENT: That’ll do now…come
along…
SECOND AGENT (subduing X-1, who’s
putting up a bit of a fight): Now, now Jerry…none of that!
(The second agent switches on a
speaker on the table, and the voice of Mr. X fills the room)
MR. X: Thanks, old chap! You’ve made it a certainty that your Nazi friends in the middle jungle will now take
reckless chances! And the men associated with you here in England
All right, your Lordship.
No one likes a gloater. We are
then whisked away to Tambosa’s Nazi Botanical Gardens, the hideout of Dr. Bork
and her none-too-terribly bright lackey Denker (Walter Bonn)…who during the
course of their conversation can be witnessed carrying several boxes of flowers
to and fro, suggesting that the shop is trying to push the impatiens this week.
BORK: When the High Command warns
that there’s no excuse for failure,
Denker…you either succeed or die…
Ooh. Sounds like they
took a bath on that perennials sale last week.
DENKER: But Dr.
BORK: I know the plan, Denker…it’s mine…
“You just keep your mind on the gaillardias!” From the other room, the
secret-fireplace-telephone starts to ring, so Bork takes her leave of Denker to
attend to it. It’s Weber, who informs
Bork that Lang is making his way towards the camp of intrepid safari leader
Jungle Jack (Budd Buster)—whom we last left in Chapter Six floating in a
canoe—accompanied by the treacherous chieftain Maati (Napoleon Simpson) and a
group of natives loyal to him.
MAATI: We’ll reach Bwana Elliot in
about one hour, maybe…
LANG: We’ll have to go faster than this…he won’t expect us tonight, but he
will tomorrow…if we don’t kill
Elliot—you’ll never take Godac’s place and rule the people of the middle
jungle…
MAATI: I want to rule…you help me,
Bwana Lang, and I’ll help you… (Shouting to the natives in Tongghili) We’ll go
there fast now…
There is then a cut back to Chatterton’s office…and I don’t
know if this was intentional or not, but Chatterton is talking to Pamela as if
she were a three-year-old.
CHATTERTON (huddled over a map): So
you see, Pam…by going to Jungle Jack here…Bob and Chuck are on the direct route
to the Mt. Balgan
PAMELA: I know, Mr. Chatterton…but
Bob has virtually challenged the
Nazis to come get Chuck and him…
(Rogers [Cyril Delevanti].
Chatterton’s loyal toady, enters the office)
CHATTERTON: Word from Nairobi
CHATTERTON (to Pamela): Well, that
should be a tonic for your doubts, my dear…
“Dreadfully sorry, Commissioner…but we’re all out of
tonic…and we’ve gone through the last of the olives and maraschino cherries as
well.”
And I think we can all agree that the last thing we want Bob
doing is exposing himself. Look, I’m no
fan of Pamela’s—she’s a bit of a pain in the arse—but it’s a little
embarrassing to hear some of the male characters talk to her in this serial, as
if she’s suffering from a head injury or something. “You see, actually, he’ll have Chuck, Jungle
Jack and all the loyal safari boys to help him,” Chatterton tells her with a
disturbing sense of self-satisfaction.
And here’s why: Bob and Chuck arrive at Jungle Jack’s
camp…and Jack appears to be the only
person around.
JACK: I was just getting ready to
come to Tambosa…what are you doing here?
BOB: We came here to see you…we need your help!
CHUCK: Where are all your men?
JACK: I just sent ‘em west with a
shipment of animals…be gone about a month…
BOB: Uh-oh…
Cue the sad trombone! (I’ve never led a safari, by the way…but I’m
pretty sure I would keep a handful of people around so at the very least we
could get up a game of cards.) The next
few scenes cut back and forth between our heroes’ chinwag with J-Jack at the
camp, and Lang, Maati and the warriors making their way to same.
BOB: Before we left Tambosa, we let
the whole town know we were coming here to see you…
CHUCK: Just to make sure the Nazis would hear about it…
“We also forgot to stop the newspaper delivery and have
someone pick up our mail…in retrospect, this might not have been a good idea…”
JACK: Seems to me you didn’t leave
nothin’ undone…didn’t you say you had London
BOB (slowly and deliberately): We
want to be sure the Nazis will follow us to a place we’ve chosen…
CHUCK: It was a good plan, too…if
you hadn’t sent your safari west this time, instead of Tambosa as usual…
Oh. So it’s Jack’s fault your plan has gone to hell
in a handbasket.
BOB: When your safari didn’t show
up in town…Chatterton figured that your boys would be here with you…
On second thought…this is starting to sound more and more
like Chatterton’s f**k-up.
BOB: Sorry we let you in for this…
JACK: Well, I ain’t! You think I’m forgettin’ they murdered Mr.
Courtney out here?
There is a cut to Lang and Maati (and the rest of the team)
arriving at Jack’s camp…
LANG: Fire’s burning out…no
guards…everyone must be sleeping…
Or gone west.
MAATI: It’ll be easier to kill
them, then… (To his aide-de-camp, Noma [Emmett Smith]) Noma—tell the warriors…
A few yards away, as Bob, Chuck and J-Jack sit talking, they
receive a visit from you-know-who.
LOTHEL: Friends of the middle
jungle people! Your enemies are
coming! Many enemies! You must go!
“I’m not kidding—I’ve never seen this many enemies in my all
my years of jungle queening!” Lothel
leads her friends to safety as Lang and Maati survey the empty camp. Hearing Maati call out to Lang (“Bwana
Lang!”), Bob starts to put 2 and 2 together from the bushes. “Lang…that’s the
man who held Pam and me prisoner at the old mine!” he exclaims to Chuck.
MAATI: The lions are gone and so
has the safari!
LANG: There’s nobody here…it begins to look like we’ve been tricked…
MAATI: Bwana Elliot didn’t come
here, you mean?
LANG: Elliot told everybody in
Tambosa he was coming here…maybe he’s
really gone to Mt. Belgan
Or maybe he’s a few hundred yards from you, hiding in the
brush…
JACK (rejoining Bob and Chuck): I
got close enough to see those two… (Looking around) Where’s Lothel?
CHUCK: She does that every time…
“We’ve decided to find it charming.”
CHUCK: Do you know the man the
native called “Lang?”
JACK: I sure do…he’s Dr. Bork’s safari
leader…he usually hangs around that experimental farm of hers…
BOB: Bork? I wonder…
CHUCK: So do I now…but…could be!
The fate of the free world is in the hands of these three
individuals. All of you planning to weep
openly, please form two lines, single-file.
So Bob, with his irritating habit of ordering people around,
instructs J-Jack to tail Lang and Maati while Chuck reports to Chatterton. Then Chuck will head out to Bork’s House of
Botany, where Bob is planning to be. It
is now daylight at the farm, as Denker confers with Lang via the
secret-fireplace-phone:
DENKER: You want me to tell her
that? Do you, Lang?
LANG (in the hideout): Well, Elliot
wasn’t at Courtney’s camp…and so far
we haven’t found a trace of him in the jungle…
DENKER: I’ll tell Bork…she’s in Tambosa…picking up the Courtney girl…
Check out the code books in front of Weber and underneath
Lang. (That’s a lot of freakin’ code!)
LANG: Pamela Courtney? What’s up?
DENKER: The girl wanted to see the farm…Dr. Bork thought it safer to bring her here…rather than let
her come by herself…and maybe stumble into something…
I have “tiger pit” in the official Jungle Queen pool…but I couldn’t be that lucky.
LANG: Be sure to tell Bork about
Elliot the first chance you get…
DENKER: She will ask me…don’t
worry…
You know, this may very well be the largest speaking part
Denker’s had in any of these chapters.
He hangs up and puts the secret-fireplace-telephone away just as Bob
comes ambling down the access road that leads directly to “the farm.” He stashes his gear and a rifle near some
bushes and upon reaching the entrance, looks at the sign to make certain he’s
not at a different “farm” by mistake.
Inside, Denker faithfully tends to his menial flower duties, carrying
several trays of plant life into the titular room (well, there’s only four
minutes to go in this thing—let’s not worry about telegraphing anything
now). Denker hears someone at the door,
and as he exits the chamber Bob has already entered the office (“Welcome to
Third Reich Flowers…how may I help you today?”).
BOB: Is Dr. Bork here?
DENKER: No, she isn’t…I expect her
shortly…anything I can do, sir?
BOB: Well, Dr. Bork said she’d show
me around…her work must be very interesting…
DENKER: Yes, it is…
“No it's not. It's dull. Dull. Dull.
My God it's dull, it's so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring
and des-per-ate-ly dull!” But hey—we need to end this thing on a
cliffhanger, so a game Denker agrees to show Bob around. Denker invites Bob into the chamber, offering
to show him “how we fumigate our plants” and Bob complies, closing the door
behind him. Denker then introduces him
to the business end of a monkey wrench, and as Bob sinks to the floor in an
unconscious state, Denker closes and bolts up the room and starts to go to
work.
BORK: …and so here is where all our
experiments with seedlings originate…
PAMELA: How interesting…
BORK (to Denker): How are the American seedlings responding to
treatment? Have you checked lately?
DENKER: One of them, Dr. Bork…not so good…I have just about decided
that fumigation is necessary…
BORK: Oh…uh…do so; by all means…we
won’t interrupt you…
Bob sputters, coughs, chokes and gasps as the “fumigation”
continues. Looks like this is the end!
2 comments:
I've not always been a vocal fan, but I am a fan of the Jungle Queen posts. Your writing is without doubt much better than the serial! I can never watch or read about serials without remembering Annie Wilkes in "Misery" commiserating about the hold-your-hats endings of each week's episode: "They tricked us! He was in the cockadoody car!" (Or something like that)!
Ivan,
This episode was a real gas! bwhaahaa
Love the great captions. This one should have come with a gas mask warning though.
Hope you're having a great weekend.
Don't forget that Shirley's birthday is coming up! Get your fancy suit ready.
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