Well, technically I was right—it was low. But not nearly as
low as the corrected total of Aunt Bee episodes, which, with today’s
installment, “The Mynah Bird,” finally tallies at twenty-three. (Two episodes at the IMDb, “The New Farmhand”
and “Emmett and the Ring” are the incorrect credits on her R.F.D. resume—“Farmhand” may
have a “[credit only]” disclaimer but this is inaccurate.) Sadly, Bavier’s character never got a proper
send-off—she just disappears and her vanishing act isn’t even mentioned until
the fourth episode of the last season, “The New Housekeeper,” when it’s
explained she’s moved back to the Mountain
State to be with her sister. (I myself think there was some foul play
involved.)
So you Aunt Bee aficionados will need to savor the presence
of the most evil woman in Mayberry while you can—meanwhile, our episode begins as
most of them do: poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-city-council-head Sam Jones
(Ken Berry) is in his office, typing away and neglecting his fields. Through the council office window, we can see
the figure of the town’s gas pump jockey and village idiot Goober Pyle (George
Lindsey), who enters the office wearing his usual idiotic grin.
GOOBER: You seen Howard?
SAM: No—was I supposed to? (Goober sits down on top of Sam’s desk) Oh,
hey…Goob—you’re on my envelopes there…
GOOBER: Oh…I’m sorry… well, I was
talkin’ to Emmett and he said Howard was headed this way…he’s lookin’ for
somebody to take care of his mynah bird…
SAM: MacBeth?
GOOBER: Yeah… (Holding up a stamp)
You want it on here?
SAM: Yeah…thanks…
GOOBER (licking a stamp and
chuckling): MacBeth…ain’t that a dumb
name for a bird?
Said the man named after a nickname for the peanut…
SAM (laughing): What’s he need
someone to take care of him for?
GOOBER: Well, he’s goin’ down to Raleigh for a couple of days to a lecture…it’s a…orinth… (He stops
for a moment, trying to come up with “ornithological”) It’s an orinth…it’s a bird lecture…
SAM: I think that word is
orno…no…ornith…orn…you’re right—it’s a bird lecture…
Good for a chuckle.
GOOBER (laughing): It’s a mouthful,
all right…anyway, he asked Emmett to take care of it…but you know Martha hates birds…so I guess he’s gonna ask
you…
SAM: Oh?
GOOBER: Wouldn’t mind takin’ care
of it myself…I like them talkin’
birds…I was up at Howard’s the other day, and I said “Hey, MacBeth!” And you know what that bird said right back?
SAM: No…what?
“Bite me, dumbass!” (Okay,
that’s not really what the bird
said—it was “God Bless America .”)
HOWARD (entering the office):
Sam? Goob?
GOOBER: Hey!
SAM: Hello, Howard…
HOWARD: Did’ja hear? I’m going to get to attend the Ornithological
Symposium…
GOOBER (nudging Sam): Boy, he says
it right out… (Laughs stupidly)
SAM: Yeah, Goob told me…hey, that
sounds interesting…
“Sounds
interesting” is not the same as “Is
interesting,” however.
SAM: We were just saying what a
great job you’ve done with MacBeth…
HOWARD (modestly): Well…thanks…it’s
a lot of sweat and tears, but…uh…well…actually, that’s why I’m looking for a responsible person to take care of him
while I’m away…
GOOBER (sitting up straighter in
puffed-up mode): I’ll take care of him…no charge!
HOWARD (stammering): Uh…well…er…gee
thanks, Goob…
Salvation comes for Howard in the arrival of Sam’s only son
and heir to the vast Jones Estate…that lovable rapscallion known here at TDOY as Mike the Idiot Boy (Buddy
Foster).
MIKE (running into the office):
Pa! Pa!
I hear Mr. Spr… (He sees Howard) Oh…hi, Mr. Sprague! I hear you want somebody to take care of MacBeth
for you…can I do it? (To Sam) Can I, Pa?
SAM: Well…that’d be up to Mr.
Sprague, Mike…
HOWARD: Well, I…I suppose you and
Aunt Bee would be watching over him, huh?
MIKE: I’ll do whatever you say…feed
it…clean it…and everything!
HOWARD (after giving it some
thought): Okay, it’s a deal! (He shakes
hands with Mike) I’ll bring him over tomorrow…
MIKE: Gee…thanks, Mr. Sprague! Wait until I tell Aunt Bee! (He dashes out the door)
Howard probably made the right call here. Granted, Mike’s not much brighter than
Goober—but if something goes horribly awry, Howard can exact restitution from
Sam, his father. But Goober is a bit
ticked off about the arrangement—handing Sam his envelopes, he stands up and
says huffily to Howard: “I’ll see you…Mr.
Sprague…” He then storms off.
So now it’s time for a little continuity nit-picking. In the first season R.F.D. episode “The Pet Shop,” Mike goes to work for the titular establishment and is able to convince
his father (despite Mike’s long-standing resume of irresponsibility) to allow
him to adopt a free dog from same. But
Mike breaks out in a rash because he’s allergic to the mutt, and so Aunt Bee
must make Howard bend to her will (eevill!) by manipulating him into wanting to
adopt the dog. This is the last we ever
hear of the pooch. I don’t know if it
ran off or was hit by a car…but if we assume Howard still owns the animal—why
isn’t he concerned about how the dog
will cope while he’s away? Why is the
damn bird getting all the attention?
This might explain why:
MACBETH (squawking): To be…or not to be…
MIKE: Hey!
SAM: That’s really something!
AUNT BEE: It’s so clear!
HOWARD: Well, they’re natural mimics…but if you think that’s
something, wait until you hear this… (To the bird) All right, MacBeth…how much
are two and two…two and two…?
MACBETH (squawking): Four!
(The others coo in astonishment)
SAM: I didn’t know they could
answer a question!
HOWARD: Well, most of them can’t…it depends entirely on the talent
of the trainer…
Careful you don’t break your arm patting yourself on the
back there, Howard.
HOWARD (putting the bird back in
his cage): There you go, MacBeth…
MIKE: What should I feed him?
HOWARD: Oh! I have a list of instructions for you right
here…
He proceeds to hand Mike a book the size of an encyclopedia
volume. (Okay…I’m making stuff up
again.)
MIKE: Oh, good!
HOWARD: Now…it’s important to keep
his cage clean and out of the drafts…oh…and one thing more…no radio or television in the same room…
“If I come home and that bird is singing Call Me Maybe…your ass is grass, young
man…”
HOWARD: Now here’s a list of
phrases that I’d like you to repeat to him… (He hands Mike a second list) But
no more than fifteen or twenty times a day…
MIKE: Right…
HOWARD: Do it like this… (Clearing
his throat) “Good morning, Howard…”
SAM (following Howard’s example):
“Good morning, Howard…”
AUNT BEE: Oh…wonderful, Sam! You’ve learned one already…
Day-amn, Aunt Bee!
Nice burn! Well, Howard has to be
moseying…
HOWARD (to the bird): Goodbye…
MACBETH (squawking): God bless America !
HOWARD (disappointed): He never gets that one…well, I’ll see ya!
SAM: Okay…have a nice trip, Howard…
MIKE: Bye, Mr. Sprague!
Just before Howard gets to the door, he remembers that he’s
left the bird’s vitamins and food in the car…so Mike offers to go outside and
bring it in. Aunt Bee says goodbye to
him and when the two of them leave, she turns back to Sam and sighs.
MACBETH (squawking): Howard’s sure fussy…
SAM: Oh… (Laughs) We’re gonna have
to be careful what we say…
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…well…I guess I’d
better start supper… (She starts toward the kitchen)
SAM: Yeah…
AUNT BEE (stopping and coming
back): Oh, Sam…did I tell you what I heard at bridge today? Clara told me that Ida Peterson… (She stops,
noticing the bird) Well…I’ll tell you at dinner…
Not a bad gag, but there’s a poignancy alluded to here in
that with Aunt Bee leaving the series, her best gal pal—Mayberry’s resident
blue-blooded snob Clara Edwards (Hope Summers)—is not long for R.F.D.
either. (Her final episode will be in
the third season—the previously mentioned “The New Housekeeper.”) But with a dissolve, we find Mike in his room
running MacBeth through his daily phrase paces…and by his side is none other
than child pugilist Richard S. “Fishface” Steele, in his semi-regular role as
Mike’s cretinous sidekick Harold. (The
last time we glimpsed Harold was in the R.F.D. episode “Mike’s Birthday Party.”)
MIKE (reading from Howard’s list):
To be or not to be…
MACBETH (squawking): To be or not to be…
HAROLD: Boy…he’s good!
“Tell me about the rabbits, Mike…”
HAROLD: Hey…can I feed him?
MIKE: I’m supposed to do it…I got some seed…
Most of which you’ve spilled all over your bed sheets. (I debated not using that one for a bit…and
lost.) Now, it shouldn’t be too hard to
guess what’s going to happen next: Harold takes the bird out of its cage…
…which in the above screen cap looks as if the taxidermist has already finished it off. “Hey!” yells Mike. “What are you doing…you’re not supposed to handle him!” Racing over to get the bird, MacBeth takes off out the window but in the screen cap…
…you can see that Steele is patiently waiting for the bird to fly away, flinching a little when he does. Both kids race to the window to see the bird flying off for
HAROLD: I didn’t let him go! You scared
him!
MIKE: You’re the one who took him out of the cage! Oh, come on…we gotta find him!
So the boys spend a scene or two searching for the bird,
with little luck. Enter the idiot boy’s
father…
SAM: Hi, fellas…
MIKE (a bit startled): Oh…hi, Pa…
SAM: What are you looking at?
MIKE: Nothing…come on, Harold…
Another scene dissolve, and our two young morons appear to
have given up.
HAROLD: I know…boy, Mr. Sprague is
gonna be awful mad…
MIKE: My Pa isn’t gonna be too
happy either…
HAROLD: Does he do a lot of
shoutin’?
MIKE: No…he just looks kind of hurt…
HAROLD: That’s the worst kind…
MIKE: Guess I better go tell him we
lost the bird…
HAROLD: What’s the rush?
Maybe I’m just getting around to noticing…but that Harold
kid has got an evil streak in him. I see
a long career in Juvie in his future.
MIKE: Well, no sense putting it
off…
HAROLD: Wait a second…I’m workin’
on an idea…
MIKE: What kind of idea?
“A plan so cunning you could brush your teeth with it!”
HAROLD: How about buying Mr.
Sprague another bird? We could both chip in!
MIKE: No bird would take the place
of MacBeth…
HAROLD: Why not? Most mynah birds look alike…and we wouldn’t
have to tell him it’s a different
bird…
MIKE: But MacBeth can talk!
HAROLD: Well…we could teach the
other bird the same things…you got a list of things he says, don’tcha?
MIKE: Hey…yeah! Come on!
And in next week’s episode…Harold convinces Mike to let him
drop an anvil on his head because “it always works in cartoons.” I referenced the earlier episode “The Pet
Shop,” and in the write-up for that episode joked that the owner of the
establishment, Harvey Smithers (Glenn Ash), left his lucrative pet shop
business in Blue Hill after being investigated by the District Attorney. But now I’m not so sure I wasn’t
joking—because Mayberry’s pet shop is now under new management (with no
explanation as to the whereabouts of ol’ Harv)…
…yes, it’s TDOY’s favorite Bowery Boy, William “Billy” Benedict—previously seen in the coda of the episode “Goober’s Niece.” It’s entirely possible that Benedict is playing the same character here that he did in “Niece” (where he was identified as “Whit” and “Whitmore”—a more formal application of his familiar Bowery Boys moniker, “Whitey”) so because his pet shop owner is credited simply as…well, “Pet Shop Owner,” I’m going to call him “Whitey” because…once again, it’s my blog. Mike and Harold are staring at a mynah bird in a cage, and are convinced they just might be able to pull this fool scheme off.
HAROLD: Yeah—exactly!
WHITEY (coming out from the back
room): Hi, fellers…what can I do for ya?
MIKE: Oh…we’re looking at this
mynah bird…
HAROLD: Can he talk?
WHITEY: Not yet…but you can teach
him!
HAROLD: Is it hard?
WHITEY: No…not if you got a little
patience…you oughta see what Mr. Sprague’s done with his bird…
“Who, if my calculations are correct, should be flying over Rocky
Mount by now…”
MIKE: How much does he cost?
WHITEY: Fifteen dollars…
MIKE: Gee…we’ve only got…seven dollars and forty-nine cents…
If you little mooks hadn’t broken that copy machine you
could have raised enough money to buy that bird by now.
WHITEY: How ‘bout a canary?
HAROLD: No…we gotta have a mynah bird!
(Whit looks apprehensive)
MIKE: We could pay you the rest
later?
HAROLD: In ten installments…
WHITEY: Well…I guess I know you
boys well enough…
“That’s why I’m going to have to ask for a blood sample and
a piece of skin from the back of your necks…standard procedure, you
understand…” Whitey lets the kids have
the mynah bird, and in a scene dissolve we find Aunt Bee in the hallway outside
Mike’s room (which seems to have shrunk a bit since the last time we saw it in
“The New Farmhand”), eavesdropping on Mike and Harold. (Snoopy old witch…)
MIKE (inside his room):
Hello…hello…dumb bird…
HAROLD (also from inside): For fifteen
dollars he ought to say something…
(Aunt Bee opens the bedroom door)
MIKE: Come on now…talk!
HAROLD: You look like Mr. Sprague’s bird, now talk like him!
(There is a small pause as Harold’s
words start to sink in for Aunt Bee)
AUNT BEE: That’s not MacBeth?
MIKE: Well…it sort of is…but…
(Realizing the jig is up) No…it isn’t…
AUNT BEE: Well, what happened?
(Both Mike and Harold look at one
another)
HAROLD: She’s your aunt!
This gets a hearty guffaw on the laugh track. Even though the statement is patently false.
MIKE: Well…we bought him at the pet
shop…MacBeth flew away and we couldn’t find
him!
AUNT BEE: Oh, my! Oh my goodness! (She sits down on the bed) Oh, my…Mike…this
is terrible!
MIKE: I know…are you gonna tell Pa?
AUNT BEE: Well, he has a right to
know!
HAROLD: Mr. Sprague will feel awful…this way he’ll still have a bird…
MIKE: We could teach it to
talk! I know we can!
AUNT BEE: No, but…boys…
HAROLD: Didn’t you ever make a
mistake, Aunt Bee?
“I did indeed. All I
remember is an executive saying, ‘Sign right here…and welcome to Mayberry
R.F.D…”
HAROLD: Hasn’t some real kind good person ever given you a
helping hand?
AUNT BEE: Yes, Harold…but…
Damn…that kid has learned a few things since the last time
we saw him on this show. I’m telling
you—putting Mike in military school may be the only way to save his immortal
soul.
MIKE: Please, Aunt Bee…don’t tell anybody…all we need is some time…
You keep hanging around that Harold kid, buckaroo, and you’ll
be doing time. Aunt Bee dithers a bit, looking traditionally
sad and concerned, and then tells Mike: “We’ll see…”
MIKE: Aw, gee…thanks, Aunt Bee…
AUNT BEE (sharply): I said we’ll see… (She then leaves the bedroom)
HAROLD: What’s “we’ll see” mean in
your house?
MIKE: It means “probably yes”…
Growing up in my house it meant “It simply is not going to happen…and you have little hope for appeal.” So you can see where all that liberal parenting of Sam’s is going to wind up. Well, for a change of scenery we’re going to whisk you to the Ornithological Society Convention, currently underway in
…you know him as character great Bill Erwin. Despite a lengthy show business career with guest appearances on such classic TV shows as Gunsmoke, Perry Mason, The Twilight Zone, The Untouchables, The Andy Griffith Show (“Stranger in Town”) and The Fugitive, Bill went to his final reward in 2010 remembered as crotchety senior citizen Sid Fields in the classic Seinfeld episode “The Old Man.” In this R.F.D. outing, he’s billed only as “Man at Convention”…so I’m going to call him “Sid” in tribute.
SID: Mr. Sprague?
HOWARD: Yes?
SID (shaking hands with Howard): I
was fascinated with your talk…
“The parts I stayed awake for, anyway…”
SID: That must be a very remarkable mynah bird you have…
HOWARD: Oh…thank you, I’m very proud of him…
SID: I’ve heard that mynah birds
talk…but it must take real talent to get them to answer questions…
HOWARD (trying to be modest): Well,
I…I’ve got some special training techniques of my own that I’ve developed…
SID: Remarkable…you know…I got a
friend up in Mount Pilot…M.C. on a television show for youngsters…he’s always
looking for something like this…
HOWARD: You mean go on television with MacBeth?
SID: Why not? The kids would love it! Why don’t I give my friend a call?
HOWARD: You think there’s a chance?
SID: A very good chance! I’ll phone him right now...
Sid takes his leave of Howard, who becomes a-twitter about
the glamour and glory that will be afforded him once the viewing public gets a
load of the wondrous MacBeth…and I don’t mean the social media application,
either. “Hey…me on television.” he says
out loud to himself. “Howard Sprague and
his talking mynah bird…MacBeth and Sprague…”
He then corrects himself: “Sprague
and MacBeth…”
Commercial break! And
then back from peddling Jell-O, we find Mike and Howard in Mike’s room,
soldiering on with Project Mynah Masquerade:
HAROLD: “Good morning, Howard”…
(The bird continues to do nothing but squawk) I give up…
MIKE: We gotta have patience!
HAROLD: But Mr. Sprague’s coming
home the day after tomorrow! And he can’t even say “Hello”…let alone that Shakespeare junk!
MIKE: Well, we gotta keep trying…
AUNT BEE (entering the bedroom):
Well…how’s it going, boys?
MIKE: Um…pretty good…
AUNT BEE: Has he learned to say
anything?
MIKE: No…not yet…
HAROLD: But we’re expecting him to
talk any minute now…
You kids should have considered taking him around to the
humble establishment of fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman), who’s MIA
this week (as is our favorite donut doyenne Millie Swanson, played by Arlene
Golonka). That bird would be swearing a
blue streak by now.
AUNT BEE: Well…keep trying…time is running short, you know…
MIKE: I know, Aunt Bee…
Bavier then does something that constitutes the first
laugh-out-loud moment in this episode. She
bends over the cage and says “Hello?”…and when the bird doesn’t say anything
she sort of makes an “Hmm” sound that sounds like shorthand for “F**k it,
dude…let’s go bowling.” (Well, it made
me laugh to beat the band.) But in a scene
dissolve, we see an outside shot of the house, and a light being turned on in
the kitchen—Aunt Bee has decided to do a little training after hours:
AUNT BEE (setting the bird’s cage
on the table and removing the cover): Two…and two…you say “four”…Fouuuurrr…
The bird does nothing but hop around on its perch and
squawk.
Hell, Aunt Bee…why not just dim the lights and pour the
wine?
AUNT BEE: I know you can talk if
you want to…now, come on…let’s try again…ready?
“Hellloooo…” “Helloooo…” (No response) Oh…oooh…oh, this isn’t going to
work at all…I’m just going to have to tell Sam that you’re an imposter!
With a scene dissolve, we find Mayberry manchild Goober
working under the hood of a car…and a mynah bird lands on top of the open
hood. “Hello,” MacBeth sings out,
prompting Goober to respond “I’ll be right with ya.” “Hello!” MacBeth repeats, and still not
seeing the bird, Goober asks “What can I do for ya?” The phone inside Goober’s office rings, and
he goes into answer it—it’s a customer asking about the state of repairs to his
car, and Goob tells him it’ll be ready in an hour. As he goes back to working under the hood,
MacBeth tries one more time: “God Bless America !”
The scene then shifts to the kitchen at the Jones
house. Aunt Bee is apologetic about the
donuts she bought for Sam—she knows he prefers the “crumb donuts” but she must have
made a mistake in the bakery. “We do
that every now and then,” she explains, laying down the foundation for what
she’s going to have to tell him.
(The phone rings)
MIKE (out in the living room): I’ll
get it!
AUNT BEE: Well, now people are human…Sam…children as well as adults…
SAM (not looking up from the mail):
Hmm…
AUNT BEE: We don’t mean to make mistakes…but…we do…every now and then… (She brings over a
glass of milk to Sam) But the important
thing is…the spirit of forgiveness…you
know, that’s something I’ve always noticed about you in particular…you forgive
people so easily…
SAM (putting his mail down on the
table): Okay, Aunt Bee…lay it on me…
But before Aunt Bee can lower the boom on young Michael,
insuring that even if he were asked to the senior prom he’d still be doing a
stretch in his room (sorry about the choice of words, by the way), Mike pops
his ugly mug into the kitchen.
MIKE: Aunt Bee…can I talk to you
for a second?
AUNT BEE: Well, I…
MIKE: It’s real important!
AUNT BEE: All right… (Getting up
from the table) I’ll be right back, Sam…
Out in the living room, Mike tells Aunt Bee what we’ve
pretty much guessed—he’s just got off the phone with Goober, who’s told him
MacBeth—the real MacBeth—is at the
gas station. Grabbing her purse, she and
Mike head out toward the back door but Sam interrupts her departure with “What
was it you were going to tell me?”
Aunt Bee is having difficulty thinking on her feet this
morning. “Oh…it was just that…er…well,
we have to go to Goober’s station—I’ll be right back!” she manages to spit
out. Mike follows her out the door with
a “See ya, Pa!”
Running out to the car, Mike did a little skid-and-slide that sort of made me chuckle, and the two of them quickly speed off in the direction of Goober’s Gas. Because this is a sitcom, no sooner do they shoot out of sight when Howard’s roadster comes barreling down from the opposite direction—he parks right outside the front, and runs toward the house…ringing the doorbell in the unusual manner shown in the screen cap below (as if he were winding up the house).
I’ve never seen a doorbell like that, so there was an interesting history lesson (and I didn’t have to hear Howard go on about it). Sam goes to answer the door.
SAM: Well, Howard! You’re back sooner than I expected!
HOWARD: I’ve got great news! Great
news—wait till you hear!
SAM: What? What?
What?
HOWARD: The chimpanzee got sick!
“Oh…that must be
why Mike and Aunt Bee left in a hurry—to pick up a prescription for Goober!”
SAM: Oh, Howard…please...now, no
games…it’s been one of those days for me…
HOWARD: Oh, I’m sorry…I guess I’m
all excited…but I’m going on television
with MacBeth!
SAM: No kidding?
HOWARD: Yeah! Circus Party—you know that
children’s show in Mount Pilot ?
SAM: Yeah?
HOWARD: Well, I met a guy in Raleigh that knows the emcee and it’s all set up!
SAM: Oh, that’s great, Howard! That’s just great! Listen, I’ll go up and get Mac…
HOWARD (interrupting): Normally it
takes…you know, about three months…but, you know, you got to go through an
agent and everything like that…but…
SAM: Yes…
HOWARD: …the chimp got sick…well, I
mean, they had to replace the chimpanzee…and they asked me to do it, and I
gotta rush right over there right away!
Sam nips upstairs to retrieve the faux MacBeth while Howard
is still practicing the act’s billing to himself: “Sprague and MacBeth…gotta
nice ring to it…” Sam brings the bird
down with the cage, and Howard profusely thanks Sam for keeping an eye on
him…and asks Sam to thank Mike as well.
“Be sure and watch me!” he tells our hero as he heads out the door and
on to TV fame.
With a scene dissolve, we find Sam in one of his rare
displays of farm maintenance, sawing wood planks near his barn. Aunt Bee pulls up with Mike in the car, and
the two of them get out of the automobile.
MIKE: I guess we can tell him now,
Aunt Bee!
AUNT BEE: We found MacBeth!
SAM: MacBeth?
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…
MIKE: Yeah…Goober found him at the
station… (He raises the lid of a box he’s carrying to reveal it’s temporarily
housing Howard’s bird)
MACBETH (squawking): Goober’s Gas…
SAM: I don’t get it…Howard just left with MacBeth…
MIKE: Oh, that wasn’t MacBeth , Pa …that was the other
bird Harold and I bought…
SAM: Other bird? What are you talking about? Howard just took MacBeth to Mount Pilot to be on a television
show!
AUNT BEE: Oh my…
“Sam,” says Aunt Bee plaintively, “why don’t we discuss this
calmly in the car…while we’re rushing to Mount Pilot …” She pushes Sam in the direction of the automobile
and as the three of them get in (Sam rather reluctantly) and drive off, the
scene shifts to the back stage of the popular Circus Party program,
hosted by “Ringmaster Bill.” “Bill” is
played by character Iggie Wolfington (sometimes billed as “Ignatius”), who,
although I have seen him on such shows as The Phil Silvers Show, Get
Smart and The Waltons, really hasn’t done anything extraordinarily
memorable outside of Mayberry (Stacia might remember him from a bit part in Penelope, a film she referenced two
weeks ago.) The most amusing thing about
Iggie’s presence is that he appeared in a TAGS episode, “The Wedding,” in
which he played the fiancé of Howard’s mom…so it’s kind of a chortle to see him
here again working alongside his “son-in-law.”
A woman dressed as a ballerina hands Howard a pith helmet and safari
outfit…but she goes unidentified in both the end credits and at the IMDb.
HOWARD: Oh ho…no…not at all…that’s show biz…heh heh heh…
BILL: You’re a real lifesaver…I mean, stepping in at the last minute like this…
HOWARD: Oh, it’s my pleasure…I
assure you…
(A crew member yells out “Ten
seconds!”)
BILL: Okay! (To Howard) I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance
to rehearse but…I’m sure you’re gonna do just
fine…
HOWARD: Well, just…turn us
loose…we’ll gab away…
One of you will, anyway. Circus music starts to play, and “Ringmaster Bill” takes his place in front of the TV cameras as a gallery of hopped-up-on-sugar kids applaud wildly. There is a quick cut to Sam’s car speeding down “The Mayberry Road,” as he passes a sign that reads “Mt. Pilot 9 mi
BILL: …and a happy birthday to Gary Griffith in Siler City ! Now be sure to pick
up your free ice cream cone from
Mercer’s Drugs and Sundries… (Cheering kids)
And now we have a surprise for all you kids…and here he is…from
Mayberry…a remarkable animal trainer,
Mr. Howard Sprague…and his talking mynah bird, MacBeth!
“Don’t be nervous,” Howard whispers to the fake MacBeth as
he walks out in front of the cameras, looking like a refugee from a Jungle Jim
flick…
BILL: Well, now…Mr. Sprague…could we hear a…a little about you and your feathered friend there? How long have you been training him?
HOWARD: Well, I’ve had him for
about four months…and he couldn’t speak a
word when I got him…and…we’ve come a long way since then…
BILL (laughing): Oh, yes…I
understand he can speak some Shakespeare…
HOWARD: Yes…yes, and he can answer
questions, too! I have some special
training techniques all my own that I developed all by myself… (Ringmaster Bill
starts to speak, but Howard cuts him off in his usual long-winded fashion) You
see, a mynah bird normally doesn’t answer
questions…
BILL (interrupting): Now that’s
very, very interesting…now…do you
think we could hear from MacBeth? Do you
suppose he could say “hello” to the youngsters out there?”
HOWARD: Aw, yes…certainly…of
course, that’s the very first thing I
taught him…okay, MacBeth…say “hello” to all the children…hello…hello… (The bird
remains silent) Well, I’ve been away a couple of days…it’ll take him a couple
of days to get used to my voice again…hello…hello…
Sam, Aunt Bee and Mike arrive at a building whose sign reads “Southern Counties Network: WZAZ-TV Local.” I kind of have to explain why I laughed at the call letters—I am a native of
As Sam gets out of the car, there’s a laugh-out-loud moment
listening to him bitch at Aunt Bee. “I
don’t understand it! I just don’t understand it! And another thing, Aunt Bee—how come I didn’t
know about this? You should have told me
right away!”
“Sam!” Aunt Bee is pleading.
“Will you hurry, the show’s already starting!”
“Don’t change the subject,” he grouses at her. Looking at Mike, he adds: “And don’t I’ve
forgotten about you, either, young
man…” Rarely do Sam’s emotions extend
beyond that bland exterior of his, so it’s kind of a treat when he’s pissed
(like in “The Mayberry Float”).
Back in the studio…the kids are getting restless, because Bwana Howard (for obvious reasons) can’t get the damn mynah bird to even say “boo.” Through slightly gritted teeth, he tells the bird: “Come on, MacBeth…let’s have that Shakespeare…to be or not to be…” There is then a cross-cut to Sam and Company arriving at the station’s registration desk, which is manned by a page played by Steven Benson. Benson, a one-time child actor who made fleeting appearances in films such as The Seven Year Itch and The Ten Commandments, later did guest bits on shows like The Name of the Game and Cannon. According to the IMDb, he later went to work behind the camera as a prop man and a technical advisor…and seeing his performance in this episode, it was probably a wise move on his part.
PAGE: Studio B…but you can’t go
in—it’s on the air now…
AUNT BEE: Oh, young man…we must go in…Mr. Sprague has the wrong bird!
PAGE: I’m sorry…my instructions are
when the red light goes on (pointing to same); I’m supposed to keep people out…
Do you think they’re going to let a pimply-faced adolescent
stand between them and the humiliation of their good friend on local
television? If it were you or I, we’d
probably shrug our shoulders and saunter out the door, making plans to go by
the Tastee Freeze on the way back to Mayberry.
No—Sam, Aunt Bee and Mike defiantly display some civil disobedience and
run right down the hallway where Circus Party is underway, though the
page goes after them, protesting as he does so.
Back to Howard’s degradation:
BILL: Say five! Anything!
(The kids in the audience are
starting to pelt each other with popcorn, having become bored with it all)
HOWARD (sheepishly): This…this really
is most unusual…I mean…usually, he’s just gabbing his head off…heh heh…
BILL: I should have stayed with
that sick chimp…
Howard, in a desperate attempt to salvage this fiasco,
starts to prattle on about MacBeth’s “feeding habits” but Bill has decided to
give him the hook. “Wait a minute…maybe
it’s the lights,” reasons Howard. “If we
could just dim the lights…”
“I wish I could,”
laments Ringmaster Bill, in another laugh-out-loud moment. So Howard is going for broke: “Say something,
you stupid bird,” he hisses at the mynah, then he brings out a tiny American
flag. “God Bless America ,
MacBeth,” he says nervously, waving the flag.
Sam, Aunt Bee and Mike have reached the door to Studio B…and
the page puts his foot down, warning them they can’t go in there. “I don’t have to,” explains Mike. “The bird will fly to Mr. Sprague.”
Sam opens the studio door, and the bird flies across the
studio, landing on Howard’s right arm (the fake bird is on his left). “What the…?” he asks, and looking over, sees
Jones pere and fils, along with Aunt Bee, stage whispering: “It’s MacBeth!”
HOWARD (looking at the bird on his right incredulously): MacBeth? This…this is my bird! This is MacBeth! He’ll talk…I know he will! Here…say “hello,” MacBeth! Say “hello”!
MACBETH (squawking): Goober’s Gas…Goober’s Gas…
The kids in the studio go wild, and break out in
applause…joined by Ringmaster Bill, and then Sam, Aunt Bee and Mike on the
sidelines. Howard stares into the
camera, waving his flag, with that sheepish expression that Jack Dodson does so
well.
I’m just going to briefly address the coda because despite “The Mynah Bird” being one of my favorite R.F.D. episodes, the wrap-up involves Mike and Harold…and that’s too much for anyone to endure. From their conversation, it would appear that both kids were severely reprimanded for their indiscretion involving MacBeth:
MIKE: Hey—did you write your letter
to Mr. Sprague?
HAROLD: Yeah…
MIKE: Me, too…sure wasn’t easy to
apologize…
HAROLD: I couldn’t even spell it… (Both of them laugh)
“Heh heh heh heh…I’m a moron, Beavis…”
HAROLD: Hi, Mr. Jones…
MIKE: Hi, Pa…
SAM: Well, here’s your money from
the pet shop…you’re lucky they took
the bird back…
MIKE: Thanks, Pa…
SAM: Mm-hmm…
HAROLD: Yeah, thanks! Hey…wanna go down to the park and get up a
game?
MIKE: Okay! Come on!
SAM: Whoa ho…hold it! Mike…aren’t you forgetting? You have some extra chores to do this week…
MIKE: Aw, Pa…it all worked out
okay…
SAM: Yeah…I know…
MIKE: …Mr. Sprague got his bird
back…
SAM: I know…
MIKE: …and they liked him on TV…
SAM: Mike…that’s…
MIKE: …and we were just trying to
save his feelings…
SAM: Yes, I know…but….
MIKE: …and you already bawled me
out all the way to Mount Pilot …and all the way back again!
SAM: Mike…Mike…whoo…boy! If that other bird had talked the way you do
we never would have had this trouble in the first place…
It’s not often I say this, but Mike’s mile-a-minute whining
over his father’s protests plays pretty funny here. But now that Sam has the floor, he suggests
to his son that “maybe if Harold helps you with your chores, you can finish in
time to have that ball game, too.”
Surprisingly, Harold does not object to this arrangement…so
he’s either stupider than I thought, or smarter in that he’ll just bide his
time until he can really get Mike in
trouble…like when they jimmy the lock at the back of the pool hall or
something. (And don’t forget who the
deputy sheriff is in that town, so it should be a cake walk.)
I have to admit…I’m surprised that I’ve made it this far,
since today’s installment marks the end of the second season of R.F.D. I’ll start Season Three next week, which is
where the real misery will begin because there are some painful episodes to sit
through, including “Sensitivity Training” and “Howard’s Nephew.” (And the first show of the third season,
“Emmett’s Domestic Problem,” ain’t no prize either.) But I’ll do my best to be here…so until next
week…bye cartooners!
5 comments:
Most of which you’ve spilled all over your bed sheets. (I debated not using that one for a bit…and lost.)
HAAAAAAAAhahaha *wipes tears*
I don't remember the good Iggie Wolfington from Penelope specifically, but I am sure I have seen him in something, probably his guest roles in Rockford and MTM.
Bavier was in her late 60s by this time so I can't really blame her for just not coming back for season three, even though she didn't get a send-off. And somehow I doubt she was particularly sentimental about the show.
I am definitely going to have to watch this whole episode, because the idea of Howard making faces and bringing out a small American flag is just too much for me to pass up.
That was one fine episode.
I thought it was going to be like the CAR 54 episode when Toody inadvertently has Captain Block's bird reciting "I hate Captain Block" but this was even better.
I figured Howard would pop a vein and attack the Peanut Gallery.
-Rich
I nominated you for a Liebster award. http://www.kl5film.com/2012/08/liebster-award-time.html
I figured Howard would pop a vein and attack the Peanut Gallery.
Thus making it the best R.F.D. episode ever.
It was one fine episode, though. (I wish I could say the same of some of the others to come.)
It's pretty interesting that Aunt Bee drove her car in this episode, a 1966 Studebaker Daytona. She always owned Studebaker's, and it's a better looking car than the Chrysler sponsored cars.
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