Unfortunately—we do not get a return visit from Andy Taylor,
who by this time was getting ready to change his last name to “Thompson” and
move to California to teach at a private school, Concord (yes, I’m referring to
the series Headmaster). So to kick
off R.F.D.’s
third season, we find fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) and his doting
wife Martha (Mary Landing) getting ready for bed.
No! Come back! Honestly—it’s not what you think. They sleep in separate beds, so dry the tears of any children I may have inadvertently frightened. (I’m really sorry…I should have approached that better.)
EMMETT (sighing): Why now in the
middle of the night? We’ve been sittin’
downstairs in the livin’ room starin’ at
each other all evening…
MARTHA: But this is important…I’ve
made a decision…
Please don’t ask for sex please don’t ask for sex please
don’t ask for sex …
MARTHA: …I want to open up a little
boutique shop…
Whew! Dodged a bullet
there.
EMMETT: Ohhhh…not that again!
MARTHA: But, dear…I have so much time on my hands…I need something to do…
“Especially since Mr. Felton’s wife has taken him back…”
MARTHA: …a woman needs to express her
creative talents—after all, you have your work!
I just feel so useless…
So you’ve arrived at where Emmett is in life, in other
words.
EMMETT (sighing): Look,
Martha…we’ve been through this a hundred
times…you’ve got no business
experience…it’d just be a waste
of money…why don’t you forget about it and go to sleep? (Turning over in bed) I don’t care if you’re useless…
MARTHA: What?
EMMETT (stammering while sitting
up): Oh…I mean…I didn’t mean that…uh…now let’s be practical…this pipe dream of yours is gonna cost us a
thousand bucks just to get started!
MARTHA: Five hundred…and it’s not
a pipe dream…
EMMETT: Okay…okay…number one: where
are you gonna find a shop?
MARTHA: That little place down the
street from you is vacant…
EMMETT: What about inventory? Didja ever think of that? And fixtures?
They don’t come free, you
know! You women never think of anything!
MARTHA: I’ve already talked to three wholesalers and they’ll let me
have the merchandise on consignment…and
as far as fixtures go…I found some used racks in a little thrift shop over in
Mount Pilot…
Check and mate, fix-it man!
EMMETT: Look, Martha…you got no
business experience…why don’t you forget it and go to sleep? (He reaches up and turns off the lamp on the
nightstand, then rolls over on his side)
MARTHA (defiantly turning the lamp
back on): Agatha is selling her ceramics, you know, and her husband thinks it’s
wonderful! And Emily Williams caters birthday
parties—why her choo-choo train birthday cakes are famous! And…Harriet Bentley…
EMMETT: All right, all right…you
win! Go ahead…open up your boutique
shop…
MARTHA: Oh, Emmett! Thank you!
(She gives him a kiss)
EMMETT: Just get it out of your
system…so we blow five hundred bucks… (He starts to root around in the
nightstand drawer)
MARTHA: We will not! You won’t be sorry…I promise…
EMMETT (handling several bottles of
pills): We got any pills here for aggravation?
Naturally, when you don’t see eye-to-eye with the wife—where
do you take your problem so it can be discussed and hashed out in a proper
forum? To Mayberry’s town council
office, where poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-council-head Sam Jones (Ken
Berry) hides out to avoid the fall planting, and village idiot/gas pump jockey
Goober “Wind” Pyle (George Lindsey) joins him because he has nothing better to
do.
EMMETT: Five hundred bucks…right
down a rat hole…
SAM: Oh…you don’t know,
Emmett…something different for
Mayberry…might catch on…
“That chain of Discount Dominatrix stores, for example—look
at how they took off!”
EMMETT: Not booties…boutique!
GOOBER: Well, la de da!
I don’t know why you people even try. I really don’t.
EMMETT: Goob…a boutique is a place where they sell a bunch of junk nobody wants…
GOOBER: Then how is she gonna make
money?
EMMETT: She ain’t gonna make no money!
Why do you think I got these bags under my eyes?
Fred Allen impression?
GOOBER: I bet they had a big fight about it… (He laughs)
SAM (laughing, too): Yeah…
EMMETT: I can see you guys ain’t married…
Well, Goober’s never found the right primate but Sam had to
have been married at one time—he wouldn’t have willingly adopted his idiot son Mike (Buddy Foster).
EMMETT: Sometimes peace in the family is more important
than money…
GOOBER: Must have been some fight… (Laughs again)
SAM: Aw, Emmett…there are all kinds of successful women…look at the…the
women doctors, and lawyers…and the women executives we have…
EMMETT: Yeah, but women just ain’t
cut out to be business people, Sam…
I can’t quite figure out why this episode is called
“Emmett’s Domestic Problem”—because that sounds like the Clarks
are having trouble with a maid (Hey!
They should have asked Shirley Booth to be a guest star!). A more fitting title would be “Emmett the
Chauvinist Porker.” It’s up to Goober to
put the capper on this caveman conversation by remarking: “Well, I’ll tell you
one thing…I ain’t taking no physical with no women doctors.” (That sound you hear is an audible sigh of
relief from the cast of Grey’s Anatomy, by the way.)
As you can tell by the above screen capture, Martha has made her boutique a reality: I kind of like the name, “Chez Martha”—it’s catchy. It’s the grand opening, and we find Sam and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) able to get away from their hectic jobs (snicker) to check out the new Mayberry bidness as Parisian music plays in the background.
HOWARD: Hey—it looks real nice,
huh?
SAM: Yeah…yeah…
HOWARD: Well…they got the window
fixed up real pretty…
SAM: Ah…yeah…yeah…you
know…that…that’s interesting, isn’t
it?
SAM: I was hoping you’d know…
The two men enter Martha’s humble establishment, where a
couple of women are already examining the tchotchkes, knick-knacks and curios
on display. One of the women is a
familiar face in actress Maudie Prickett, in her third appearance as Mayberry
resident Myrtle (Prickett made an additional appearance on R.F.D. in “The Church Bell,” playing a different character.)
(If they had taken my advice and had Shirley Booth on the two women
could have had a reunion.) Howard and
Sam greet Myrtle, and then congratulate Martha on the look of the store…with
Sam commenting “We didn’t want to miss the big opening.”
“Just fabulous!” Howard editorializes, trying in vain not to
appear gay.
SAM: No doubt about it!
MARTHA: And a lot of it’s imported!
HOWARD: Oh, yes! I can see this! (He picks up a figurine) Like this one—this
is from the Orient, no doubt…
MARTHA: Oh…no…those are made in Poughkeepsie …
HOWARD: Oh…well…overlap in
cultures, possibly…heh heh…I mean, the twain has finally met, huh?
Oh, brother…I wish you were on a twain. Preferably one headed for Waleigh. Martha invites Sam and Howard over to have
some coffee and cookies…where Emmett has been standing the entire time, looking
as if someone peed in his corn flakes.
EMMETT: Well, I’ll be a lot prouder when she sells somethin’…
MARTHA: I’ve only been open an hour…
MYRTLE (on the other side of the
room): Oh! Aren’t these shoes adorable!
MARTHA (calling out to her):
Italian import! (To Sam and Howard): Did
you see the roses Emmett sent me?
Howard and Sam are highly complimentary on both the roses
and Emmett’s thoughtful gesture. “Six
bucks more down the drain,” Emmett grouses, stirring his coffee. Well, the shenanigans should pick up with the
arrival of the fourth Marx brother—Goober has just made his appearance at Chez
Martha as Myrtle and Martha are oohing and aahing about the Italian import
shoes.
MARTHA: Thank you, Goober…
MYRTLE: Hello, Goober…
GOOBER: Hey, Myrtle! (He takes one of the shoes from her) Aw,
hey…those are nice…my goodness…but
your feet are a lot bigger than that,
ain’t they?
I am ashamed to admit I laughed at this—it helps that Myrtle shoots Goober a look that suggests she’ll show him they’ll fit…up the crack of his ass. Goober then saunters over to the snack table.
GOOBER: Hey, cookies! (Idiotic
laugh) These are free, ain’t they?
EMMETT: Yeah…for the customers…
GOOBER: Well, how do you know I
ain’t gonna buy somethin’? (He starts grabbing pastries and a cup for
his coffee)
SAM: Hey, look… (He holds up a pair
of inflatable pillows) Martha’s got more
street signs than Mayberry has…
HOWARD (holding up an incense
burner): This is kind of nice…
SAM: Oh? What is it?
HOWARD: It’s an incense burner…
EMMETT: She got two dozen of ‘em…and the nearest Chinese
is in Siler City …
Um…yeah. Well, it
looks as if Myrtle’s going to take a pass on the shoes, so she exits Chez
Martha along with another anonymous woman who dutifully follows when Myrtle
announces she’s leaving (I guess she has to go, too—she’s incapable of shopping
independently).
MARTHA: No…but they’ll be back…
EMMETT: I’ll bet…
GOOBER (holding up a ball-shaped
fuzzy item): I’ll take this key ring, Martha… (Showing it to Sam) Nice—ain’t
it?
SAM: Yeah…fluffy!
MARTHA: That’ll be a
dollar-seventy-five…
GOOBER: Well, that’s okay… (He
reaches into his pocket for some money) Uh…would you put it in one of those
pretty sacks? My sister’s got a weddin’ anniversary comin’ up…
HOWARD: You’re going to give your
sister a key ring as an anniversary
present?
GOOBER: Well, Howard—it’s my only sister…
“Boy…if that’s the kind of customers she’s gonna get,”
Emmett continues to moan. “Well, I
bought somethin’, didn’t I?” returns Goober, as he grabs a few more cookies for
the road. There’s a scene dissolve, and
we find Howard walking past Emmett’s shop where a crowd has gathered, as they
look in awe at Emmett fixing a variety of appliances. Okay…I knew I’d never be able to keep a
straight face saying that—Emmett is asleep in his usual chair, and Howard does
a humorous bit of business where he wakes him up by raising the bill of Emmett’s
cap with a folder of papers he’s carrying.
HOWARD: Yeah…sure…how’s it going?
EMMETT: Oh, big…big…
HOWARD: And Martha’s boutique…how’s
that going?
EMMETT: You figure it out…she
didn’t open the shop ‘til nine-thirty…
HOWARD: Oh? Well, I don’t suppose there’d be many women
out shopping before that…
EMMETT: Look—I’ve been here since eight o’clock…that’s the way it is every
day here with me…eight to five, hittin’ the old ball…
The expression on Howard’s face here is priceless. You can tell right off the bat he’s thinking: “What a crock of sh*t…”
HOWARD: Yeah…I suppose…listen, the
reason I stopped—is my electric can opener ready yet?
EMMETT (taking off his hat and
scratching his head): When you’d leave it?
HOWARD: About ten days ago…
EMMETT: Oh, yeah…yeah…well, I’ll
get to it this afternoon…you ain’t my only customer, you know…I gotta a lot of
stuff piled up there ahead of you…
Howard, realizing that by the time Emmett gets that
contraption repaired canned food will have been obsolete for decades, has to
mosey on to his soul-sucking government job…but Emmett asks him, “What’s your
hurry?”
EMMETT: Like I was sayin’ about
these women…they just ain’t got no get up and go…that’s their trouble! Now, you
take Martha…
Yes—let’s take Martha.
For as Emmett is pontificating on how man is superior because he made
fire (and Howard hilariously complements Emmett’s b.s. with some first-rate funny
facial expressions), Martha is busy at her boutique waiting on a black customer
(played by Amentha Dymally, whose TV work includes Ironside, Room
222 and Marcus Welby, M.D.) billed in the closing credits as
“Nancy.” (Also known as Betty Jo Bialowski…for
you FST fans out there.)
MARTHA (holding up a purse and a
blouse): Here we are…I think this will be perfectly stunning with this blouse…
MARTHA: Right…
MARTHA: Certainly! Thank you!
We now return to the Business 101 lecture from Dr. Emmett
Clark, esteemed Sitting-On-Your-Ass-ologist.
EMMETT: Howard, I’ll tell you
somethin’…that boutique is gonna cost
me…but it’ll probably be good for my marriage…teach her to appreciate all the
work her husband does…get her out in the dog-eat-dog world…she’s been sheltered
too long in that ivory tower I built
for her…
If you had a hand in its construction, I’m surprised it
hasn’t been condemned by the city by now.
EMMETT: You know…once you carry ‘em
over the threshold you carry ‘em for the
rest of your life…they don’t wanna admit it…they always wanna prove they
can do anything a man can do—but they’re never
willin’ to admit that it’s the man
who wears the pants!
HOWARD: Well…that’s just the
natural antagonism between the sexes, Emmett…
EMMETT: Five hundred bucks for her to try on the pants…well, I’ll be glad
when the whole thing’s over…
Not nearly as glad as I’ll be. “Let her take her beatin’ and forget it,” asserts Emmett, as the scene cuts to a montage of Martha selling boutique items and pocketing large wads of currency. (The jaunty Parisian music plays in the background as well.) When the montage is through, the scene then shifts to the inside of Emmett’s fix-it shop…where at first glance it looks as if he might be repairing something—but he’s actually painting a cradle, and that doesn’t count.
EMMETT (looking up from his work):
Oh…hiya Sam…it’s for Martha…
SAM (grinning): Oh?
EMMETT: Never mind the “oh’s”…it’s
for the boutique shop…she’s gonna
fill it with paper flowers…
SAM: Ah…hey, how’s she doing over
there?
EMMETT: Aw, according to her she’s
doin’ just fine…of course, that’s
what she says every time she makes a sale…she hasn’t bothered to…subtract the
outgoing from the income yet…
SAM: I guess that’s where it
counts, huh?
EMMETT (smiling): While she’s over
there playin’ games, I don’t mind tellin’ you—I’ve been havin’ a big week…
SAM: Oh, really?
EMMETT: Yeah…I cleared ninety-eight bucks…cleared, I said…
SAM: Wow! Not bad!
EMMETT: Yeah, but don’t forget—I’ve
been buildin’ up to this for twenty-two
years…
Betcha by golly wow…Emmett and Martha will soon be moving to
the tonier section of Mayberry in a spin-off entitled Walnut Hills, C.O.D.—a
further attempt to dilute the once-beloved TAGS franchise. Martha enters the shop, greeting both Sam and
her husband.
EMMETT: What?
MARTHA: I just got caught up on my
bookkeeping…I can’t believe it! I cleared a
hundred-and-forty-three dollars the first week!
SAM: Well…gee…that’s great, Martha!
MARTHA: Uh-huh!
EMMETT: Aw…you must’ve goofed up
your figures…
MARTHA: Well, I don’t think so…you want to check them for
me? (She hands him her ledger)
EMMETT: Well…I’d better before the Internal Revenue gets a hold of it… (He
looks intently at the figures) A hundred-and-forty-three dollars…let’s see…subtract
five from seven…five from… (Laughing) Hey, Sam…come here…look at this…look at
this…
SAM (moving to where he can look
over Emmett’s shoulder): What?
EMMETT: Five from seven is one… (To
Martha) Five from seven is ordinarily except that it’s two…
MARTHA: Oh, dear… (Realizing)
Oh! Oh, that’s two-hundred-and-forty-three dollars! I cleared over two hundred dollars!
EMMETT: Ah…
MARTHA: Oh, I’m so happy! Aren’t you?
EMMETT: Oh, sure…sure…
Cue the sad trombone! Well, unlike her husband—Martha has no time
to sit around jawing with Mayberry’s barely-employed: she’s got a boutique to
run! “Time is money!” she sings out, as
she says goodbye to Emmett and blows Sam a kiss. Oh…wait a second…strike that…reverse it. (You know what I mean.) And now, the emasculation of Emmett Clark has
begun.
SAM: Yeah…yeah…
EMMETT: Yeah…well…oh, of course the
first week ain’t much of an
indicator…you know, all her friends
comin’ in and everything like that…
SAM: Oh, yeah…sure…
EMMETT: Uh…you know…I’m…I’m happy
for her…but…uh…you gotta allow for beginner’s
luck…you know…it’s the long haul
that counts…
SAM: Oh…yeah…sure…
Sam…not only do you suck at giving advice…you really stink when it comes to rubbing
salt in people’s wounds to make it funny.
Let’s bring in someone off the bench.
GOOBER (entering the shop):
Heeeeeeyyyyy…there he is! Mr. Lucky!
All thirty-four episodes of the 1959-60 series coming in October from Timeless Factory Video.
(Hey…never hurts to throw in a plug—they might send me a freebie.)
GOOBER: I just talked to Martha…oh,
boy—how does it feel to be on Easy
Street?
EMMETT: Goob…it’s just her first week…
GOOBER: Well, wait until she gets
rollin’! Eaaasy Street for ol’ Emmett!
SAM: Uh, Goob…
GOOBER: I wouldn’t mind lettin’
some woman support me…huh, Sam?
EMMETT: She ain’t gonna support me!
GOOBER: Well, give ‘er time!
Rome wasn’t built in a day!
Reminds me of this movie I saw once…guy just pluggin’ along…then he
marries this dime store heiress…spent the rest of his life, over there on the
Riviera, soakin’ up sunshine and lappin’ up that champagne…
SAM: Yeah, Goob…Goob…
GOOBER: …had a surprise endin’,
though…guy shot hisself…
A louder than usual guffaw from me—partly because of Ken
Berry’s annoyed reaction to the conclusion to Goober’s story, and partly
because Lindsey chooses to pronounce “heiress” with the “h” intact. So we have a quick General Foods break, and
then it’s back to the council office where Howard is perusing the latest issue
of the Mayberry Gazette as Sam
sorts through his mail.
SAM: Oh yeah?
HOWARD (reading) “Boutique spurs
Mayberry business community…”
SAM: Huh…
HOWARD (continuing): “Martha Clark
has proven again that there’s a place in the business world for women…her
boutique on Main
Street is setting
all records for a new business in Mayberry…” Huh…?
SAM: Hey! Not bad!
HOWARD (continuing): No…”Combining
creative merchandising ideas with acute business…” (He stumbles slightly on the
next word) “…acumen…Mrs. Clark sets an example of industry and competence for
the local merchants who have invited her to speak at next Tuesday’s Rotary
meeting…” Well! Emmett must be proud…
SAM: Uh…I hope so…
HOWARD: What do you mean?
SAM: Oh…I don’t know…I think
Emmett’s a little…uptight about that
whole thing…
HOWARD: Oh? That’s a shame…hmm… oh, there’s more… (He
continues to read) “Mrs. Clark, a Mayberry resident for twenty-three years,
resides on Elm Street with her husband Emma…”
SAM: Emma?
HOWARD: Must be a typographical
error…
Howard gets a tremendous kick out of this, and starts chortling as Sam buries his face in his hands. Howard then stops suddenly, and a whip pan to the council office entrance shows a scowling Emmett, who tells Howard: “Go ahead and laugh…everybody else is.”
SAM: Aw…come on, Emmett…it’s just a
typographical error…
EMMETT: Oh, sure…sure…I guess I’m
lucky they didn’t call me “Mr. Martha Clark”…
The phone rings, and upon answering it, Sam finds out it’s
Martha, asking for Emmett. Talking to
his wife for a few moments, his mood suddenly changes after he hangs up. “I’ll see you guys,” he tells his
friends. “Martha needs me over at the
boutique…I knew she’d be callin’ for help sooner or later…”
MARTHA: Oh…thanks, dear…I’m sorry
to bother you…
EMMETT (laughing): Ah…it’s no
bother…what’s a husband for if he can’t come to his wife’s rescue now and then? What’s
the big problem?
MARTHA: Well…I hate to ask you…but
I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance to do the marketing…
EMMETT (his face falls): Marketin’?
MARTHA: Mm-hmm…uh…oh…here’s the
list…we need potatoes and a pound of coffee…
EMMETT (sotto voce): Will you keep your voice down!
MARTHA: Well, for heavens sake…if
you don’t want to go…but we’re out of everything…
EMMETT: I’ll go…I’ll go…
So there’s a quick (and funny) shot of Emmett carrying a few bags of groceries to his car, and then the scene shifts to Goober’s Gas, where he pulls up to his bosom pal’s pump and yells “Fill ‘er up!”
GOOBER: All right, Emmett! (Emmett tries to get out of the car, but he
can’t get the door handle to work) When are you gonna spend a dollar and get
this ol’ door fixed? (He glances into the back seat) Hey! Gotcha doin’ the marketin’, I see…
EMMETT: Whaddya mean, “got”
me? I did it ‘cause I wanted to…
GOOBER: Well, I guess that makes
sense dollar-wise, since her time is more valuable than yours…
I know I’ve ragged on Goob many times in the past…but
occasionally kernels of truth come out of his mouth along with the buffoonery.
GOOBER (grabbing the
hose-and-nozzle and staring off reflectively): You know…when I get married…I’m
gonna look for me a girl that ain’t as smart
as I am…
EMMETT: Well, that’ll take some diggin’…
Every episode…one laugh-out-loud moment.
GOOBER: That way, we…did you insult
me?
EMMETT: Would you put that hose in
the tank!
(Goober puts the nozzle in the
tank, and then reaches into one of Emmett’s grocery bags, pulling out a stalk
of celery. He takes a giant bite)
GOOBER: How soon you figger to be
livin’ off of Martha?
EMMETT (annoyed): Why don’t you mind your own business! I’ll tell you one thing right now—I’m still the breadwinner in my family!
Reaching into another one of the bags, Goober pulls up a loaf of bread and cracks: “Well…I don’t know about being the breadwinner…but you’re sure the bread buyer!” He starts laughing idiotically, and then sticks the final shiv in by calling Emmett “Emma.”
After a long day of being humiliated by his alleged friends, Emmett is sprawled out in repose on his couch in the living room as Martha sits at a desk, in a dither about how much work is involved in the running of her fabulously thriving business...
EMMETT: Yeah…
MARTHA: You know…I was thinking,
just today…wouldn’t it be wonderful
if we could work together?
EMMETT: Huh?
MARTHA: Well, with things going as
well as they are I was…thinking of opening more
shops…in Siler City , and maybe Mount Pilot ! And you can help me
manage them!
Look…I know it’s sometimes difficult to keep nepotism out of
any business…but look at Emmett’s track record with that fix-it shop, and then
reconsider what you just asked him.
EMMETT: Me work for you?
MARTHA: Well, not for me…we’d be partners! I could do the
buying, and the decorating, and all that…and you could come in and do the
books!
EMMETT: Well, what about the fix-it shop?
MARTHA: Well…you could dabble in it if you wanted to…
In other words…pretty much what he does now.
MARTHA: …but Dear…you’ve worked so hard all your life…
Must…keep…straight…face…
MARTHA: …you deserve some time to play…
EMMETT: Play? Oh, fine!
Just…wonderful! How about my two weeks with pay?!!
MARTHA: What?
EMMETT: What about early retirement? Well, I’ll tell you one thing… (He gets up
off the couch, angry) I ain’t goin’ to no Riviera and booze myself to
death for nobody!
Emmett stomps off toward the stairs (yes, the floor plan has changed radically since we last saw the house in “Emmett and the Ring”) and does a funny little stumble on his way to charging up the stairs (I credit Hartman’s previous career as a dancer for making this work). The scene then shifts to outside the council office, where Sam greets Martha as he prepares to unlock the office and spend another nine-to-five avoiding his crops. Martha asks Sam if she could have a word with him…and why Sam has never considered saying: “Gosh…I’m really going to be busy for the next three hours” in order to avoid these little problem-solving sessions is a mystery to me. (Then again, everybody’s pretty clued in that Sam doesn’t really do a hell of a lot, so it’s possible he did try it in the past and was rewarded with hysterical laughter.)
SAM: Now…what can I do for you?
MARTHA: Well…I hate to bother
people with personal problems, but…I need a man’s viewpoint…
“And Goober’s working on a leaky piston valve, so…”
MARTHA: Well…it’s about Emmett…I have a feeling that he resents my boutique…has he said anything
to you about it?
SAM: Oh…uh…well…no…he hasn’t said
anything to me directly about it…but
I…I think I know what you mean…
MARTHA: I didn’t realize it would
hurt his feelings…I thought he’d be proud
of me…
SAM: I’m sure he is, Martha…
MARTHA: No, he isn’t…he’s jealous…I’ve stepped on his male ego…oh, Sam—what am I going to do about
it? How was I to know that my boutique
would be so successful that I’d wind up making more money than he does?
SAM: Well…
MARTHA: Should I just…give up all I
worked for, or do you think he’ll adjust to it?
SAM (sighing): Boy…heh heh…that’s a
tough one…I…I really don’t know what to tell you, Martha…you know, some men can
live with a thing like that and some men can’t…just depends on what kind of a
man your husband is…
“Now you take a man who’s all wrapped up in his work—I mean,
really engrossed in it…well…it probably wouldn’t make any difference at all to
a man like that,” adds Sam, who has reached the highest plateau of suckitude in
solving people’s problems in Mayberry.
Emmett, of course, is not the kind of man Sam is describing…but rather
than tell Martha that she should keep the business and if Emmett continues to
pout, kick the essobee to the curb, Sam sort of backs Martha’s intentions of
selling Chez Martha. What has been a
fairly amusing episode in spots has now become a nightmarish scenario in which
a woman who clearly demonstrates a keen business sense and a talent for selling
fancy crap to women is going to chuck it all just to keep her jealous,
sniveling excuse for a husband happy.
Martha…feminism is on line two.
They’d like their dignity back.
Later that night, as the Clarks
prepare for bed, Martha puts on a performance that wouldn’t pass muster as
third-rate dinner theater. (The next few
scenes, by the way, are not for the squeamish.)
EMMETT: Now what?
MARTHA: I forgot to call the
wholesaler…and I promised Millie I’d
have those hip-huggers for her…
EMMETT: Oh, go to sleep…she can’t
wear ‘em tonight…
MARTHA: Oh, I can’t sleep…I’ve got
too much on my mind…I didn’t realize how everything would pile up on me…
“It’s more than my girly brain can handle…I think I’m going
to faint…”
EMMETT: Well…I coulda told you
that…go to sleep…
MARTHA: I don’t see how you do it…
EMMETT: I put my head down…I close
my eyes…and I shut my mouth…
Remember, Martha—this is the marriage you’re saving.
MARTHA: I mean…I don’t see how you
stand all the pressure running a
business…
Pressure? In Emmett’s
business? Playing checkers, jawing
endlessly with his friends, napping outside his storefront…where the hell is the pressure?
MARTHA: Well, it’s not easy for a woman…you’ve taken care of me for so
long, I…I guess I just didn’t realize what a grind it would be…
EMMETT: Well…I guess that’s my
fault, Martha…I’ve always protected
you from that side of life…
I’ll say. Anytime
Emmett gets invited to a party or some sort of social function in that town
it’s a miracle if he brings Martha along.
So Martha asks him if it would “upset you terribly if I sold the
shop?” Emmett nearly falls out of bed,
trying not to appear too eager. Although
Martha has made the idiotic decision to tank her business just to stay married
to that wanker, I guess there is a bright side to all this—at least she doesn’t
have to mingle with the Rotarians. “It’s your happiness that counts,” Emmett
cluelessly tells her, “now you just rest up and take it easy.”
As they dim the lights—get
back here—Emmett rambles on about how “it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there,”
which reminds me of the old Woody Allen gag: “It’s worse than dog-eat-dog—it’s
dog-doesn’t-return-other-dog’s-phone-calls.”
“The Good Lord knew what he was doin’ when he put the man in charge,”
Emmett grunts, prompting a slightly sarcastic “Mm-hmm” from Martha. (My favorite part of his soliloquy is when he
talks about pressure and things involved like “deadlines to meet” and
“competition to beat down”—which had me asking out loud: “Is there another fix-it shop in Mayberry run in
the same sh*tty, slapdash fashion?”)
The coda on this one has both Sam and Howard agreeing that
while it’s a shame Martha’s giving up the store it’s probably the right
decision. “After all…they’ve been happy
together for eleven years now—why rock the boat?” posits Sam, oblivious to the
mockery that is the Clarks ’ matrimonial union. Still, Martha is having a
going-out-of-business sale, with fifty percent off—so there should be some good
buys for her former clientele. “For a
woman, yeah,” observes Howard. “Not much
in there a man could use.”
Yes, you just knew
that Goober was going to be the punchline in this one…he walks proudly into the
council office, and pulls out an item that he’s purchased at the now-defunct
Chez Martha…
“To wear around the gas station when it rains,” he grins in his typical fashion. “Well, who’s to say these are just for women?”
A promotional memo from the CBS network about this episode...with Maudie Prickett's character referred to as "Winifred." |
6 comments:
Emmett, if you’re so set against it how come you let her do it?
...
I...
It... it just...
Ugh.
I'm back, because:
Oh, brother…I wish you were on a twain. Preferably one headed for Waleigh.
HA!
I know I do the "HA!" a lot, but I mean it. A "HA!" is not uttered unless it is completely deserved.
What puzzles me about this episode and, frankly, a lot of similar shows from this era, is the casual sexism of Sam's comments is just accepted while Emmett going on and on, basically saying the same thing but more obnoxiously, is supposed to be hilariously wrong.
Also? There is no way MY Howard wouldn't know the word "acumen!" I demand a rewrite!
Also? There is no way MY Howard wouldn't know the word "acumen!" I demand a rewrite!
This is one of the curious things about this episode...he doesn't mispronounce it or anything, but he reacts as if it's the first time he's ever come in contact with the word and that just seems out of character for Howard. (I suspect they were just too lazy to do a retake.)
What puzzles me about this episode and, frankly, a lot of similar shows from this era, is the casual sexism of Sam's comments is just accepted while Emmett going on and on, basically saying the same thing but more obnoxiously, is supposed to be hilariously wrong.
This episode literally made me wince the first time I watched it. My gob has just been completely smacked at a woman who's going to give up that kind of economic security to preserve a marriage that by her husband's definition involves "sittin' around and starin' at one another." They should have made mention in Return to Mayberry that Martha ended up croaking Emmett with a frozen leg of lamb, later devoured by the detectives investigating the case.
What puzzles me about this episode and, frankly, a lot of similar shows from this era, is the casual sexism of Sam's comments is just accepted
Since my main meat is fifties b sci-fi, I get to see a lot of this sort of stuf. The top of the pops is this line from Cat Women of the Moon:
Walt Walters [to a Moon Women]: "You're too smart for me, baby. I like 'em stoopid."
She smiles shyly. Oink, oink, Walt. Minutes later he's in the "caves of gold" with a shiv sticking out of his back. Wanna guess who put it there?
And I think I'm correct in saying that the Emmett repair-o-meter is still pinned at the lower extreme of the scale: zero [laughing].
The Andy Griffith Show promoted more godly values than Mayberry RFD. Sadly Mayberry RFD tried to change what so many loved about the community. I'm glad Return to Mayberry just forgot about Mayberry, which isn't Mayberry at all, RFD, which I guess stands for really foolish dumbness based on the heathenistic way Mayberry RFD took the town and destroyed it. Women's lib(truly a more of a demeaning enslavement) is one way the writers kidnapped the show down to Satanically possessed undermining evil. With just three seasons and none of the episodes as cherished as plenty in the real Mayberry as portrayed in The Andy Griffith Show, RFD IS A FAILURE!!!!!!
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