Having finished a one-week vacation from our weekly
excursion to America ’s
favorite tapioca sitcom, Mayberry R.F.D. looks different to
me this week. It’s an episode that
centers around the town’s fix-it savant, Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman)…and while
normally that would signal an installment containing all the hilarity of a back
itch you can’t reach, it’s actually a pretty funny outing…with a great
repetition gag that I have to admit I laughed at every time it came up in the
script. (Plus we have a couple of
returning faces in this episode, and a pair of great character thesps to boot.)
After the opening credits roll, we find
poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer (and head of the city council) Sam Jones (Ken
Berry) pulling into the service station of Mayberry’s village idiot, Goober
Pyle (George Lindsey), to gas up his truck…and before we even lay eyes on
Emmett, we hear his unmistakable curmudgeonly tones reminiscing about his salad
days on the gridiron to both Goob and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague
(Jack Dodson). “I used to throw these
things fifty yards…straight as an arrow!” he brags, as he nonchalantly tosses a
football back and forth. (The football,
incidentally, belongs to the cretinous progeny of Sam’s that we know and are
repulsed by here as “Mike the Idiot Boy,” played by child goon Buddy Foster,
brother of Oscar-winning actress Jodie.
We will not have to listen to his mewling this week, so those of you
predisposed to condemn this episode have already received the best news
possible.)
EMMETT: I was just tellin’ the
fellas how I used to handle this thing…
SAM: Uh…
EMMETT: You know—I used to cock it
right behind my ear…then I’d get my balance…get a good grip on it…and pull it
way back…
Emmett ends up dropping the football behind him, resulting
in the spillage of whatever soft drink beverage the three of them (Goob, Howard
and Emmett) were drinking (it looks like some sort of 7-Up or Sprite
derivative) all over the soda machine.
HOWARD: Oh, marvelous, Emmett…marvelous…
EMMETT: They must have changed the shape of these balls…
Yeah, back when you were young, footballs were
hexagonal. (“And we liked ‘em that way,
damnit!”) “You’re just gettin’
old…that’s all, Emmett,” cracks Goober, as if this were the first time anyone
in town realized Emmett is an old fart.
Emmett takes offense, and orders a reluctant Sam to throw him a pass…
…and you can probably tell by the expressions on their faces
that Emmett has fallen and broken a hip, necessitating he be put to sleep. No…we simply aren’t that lucky…but Emmett has
taken a tumble into a repair bay, and he’s sustained an injury. (“Don’t worry, Martha…Emmett will still be
able to perform his husbandly duties, and…Martha…Martha, please don’t take on so…”)
HOWARD: Are you all right, Emmett?
GOOBER: Did ya hurt yourself?
SAM: Huh?
EMMETT: I banged this arm here
pretty good…
SAM: Can you move it?
EMMETT (he tries to move his arm,
and winces in pain): Ooh…ooh…
HOWARD: Well, maybe you sprained
it…
(Emmett continues to massage his arm,
crying out in discomfort)
GOOBER: Well, bones get brittle
when you get old, you know…
EMMETT (scowling): It’s nothin’!
HOWARD: I think you ought to see a
doctor, Emmett…we’ll drive you over…
EMMETT: I’m tellin’ ya, fellas…
GOOBER (to Sam): Sam, you finish
gassin’ your truck and then call Doc Billing and tell ‘em we’re comin’ over…
There’s something innately human within all of us in that we
often don’t want to admit when we’re seriously sick or hurt…and Emmett is just
one example of many, pleading with his friends “There’s nothing wrong with my
arm!”
Wait for it…
GOOBER (looking at Emmett’s cast):
My goodness, Emmett… (To Howard) Didn’t I tell him old bones is brittle?
HOWARD (to Emmett): Is it broke?
EMMETT: Well, actually…it’s a
lateral fracture of the ulna…plus an attenuated flexor carpis…
GOOBER (to Howard): Is it broke?
HOWARD: Yeah!
Howard, you may be a dweeb…but damn if you don’t make me
spit out my iced tea at the most inopportune moments.
HOWARD: Will you have to keep it in
the cast long?
EMMETT: Well…Doc says for about
five or six weeks…
HOWARD: But it’s not really serious?
EMMETT: Oh, no…no…once the cast is
off, it’ll be as good as new…but I was thinkin’ in there when he was puttin’ on
the plaster…the problem isn’t my arm…it’s Mayberry!
What, the town has thoughtlessly placed repair bays where
old people can fall into them? I’d
suggest a recall vote of the people currently in Mayberry city government but
that would mean there’d be no one left on this show and…throw the rascals out!
GOOBER: What do you mean?
EMMETT: Well…I guess the calamity
of this hasn’t hit you guys yet…with my right arm in a cast…I’ll have to close
up the place…Mayberry will be without a fix-it shop!
Godfrey Daniels! The
ramifications of this are staggering!
With no fix-it shop to hang out in, Goober will run a more efficient
service station! Howard will transform
city government into a finely-tuned machine!
And Sam…Sam will actually grow
food on his farm! Oh, the humanity…
Goober shrugs indifferently, while Howard attempts to elicit
some faux sympathy. But the two men have
difficulty stifling grins while following Emmett out of the waiting room. The scene then shifts to Sam’s city council
office, where Emmett seeks to bounce an idea off of him as our hero works on
some paperwork.
EMMETT: Sam…I’ve been givin’ it a
lot of thought…and I’ve decided I’m not
going to let Mayberry down…
SAM: Oh…fine, Emmett…fine…
EMMETT: After all…can you imagine
what would happen if I…just closed up my shop?
“Well, I’d be spending more time with Mike and Aunt
Bee…funny thing…apparently I’m some sort of a farmer or something…”
EMMETT: …things breakin’ down all
over town…nobody to fix ‘em…it could be serious!
It could also signal the start of a booming economy, with
people purchasing new appliances instead of waiting for you to bang on them
with a hammer. Just sayin’…
EMMETT: I’m gonna bring in somebody
to help me…somebody to work under my direct supervision…
SAM: Yeah, that’s a good idea,
Emmett…
EMMETT (pulling a wad of paper out
of his pocket): Goin’ over to the paper there, and put this ad in there… (He
reads) “Wanted…a man of intelligence to learn profession of mechanical
rehabilitation from an experienced master craftsman…scientific aptitude a
definite requirement…”
Who here thinks Howard helped him write that ad? Ten…thirty-five…yeah, that’s what I thought,
too…
SAM: Well…I hope you get somebody…I
mean, for all of us…
EMMETT: Well…I’m sure gonna do my
darndest to see Mayberry through this crisis… (Glancing at Sam’s paperwork)
Forgot to carry the “1”…see ya, Sam…
Sam grins at Emmett as he walks out of the office, and then
is there a scene dissolve as a young man walks down Mayberry’s busy
thoroughfare until he reaches the humble threshold of Emmett’s Fix-It Shop.
This young man is Ernie Ballard, and he’s played by a Meridian ,
MS native named Elliott
Street . An
actor, director and playwright whose parents founded that city’s Little
Theatre, this Mayberry R.F.D. appearance (according to the IMDb) was his
first professional show bidness credit, but it wouldn’t be his last. He guest-starred on any number of shows from
the 60s and 70s: Room 222 (he was in two episodes as class clown Harvey
Butcher), The Mod Squad, Mary Tyler Moore and The
Rockford Files, to name just a few…and he also landed small roles in films
such as Welcome Home, Soldier Boys and
The Harrad Experiment. Street (who has also acted under the nom de footlights
“William Elliott”) has also done extensive stage work and appeared in recent films
like The Legend of Bagger Vance
(filmed in Savannah , my old
stomping grounds) and Runaway Jury.
But here at Rancho Yesteryear, Street has been immortalized
for an episode of Hawaii Five-O: “Draw Me a Killer.” This sixth-season classic stars Elliott as an
all-American psychopath obsessed with a comic strip called Judy Moon…to the point where he starts killing random individuals
he’s convinced are the real-life embodiments of the strip’s villains, and
falling in love with a young woman who’s a dead ringer for the cartoon heroine
as well. I watched this episode with my
Mom when it originally aired (I just turned ten) and it scared the shit out of me.
Naturally, it has become one of my favorite Five-O episodes. (And this wasn’t even the first time Street
appeared on Five-O: he also guested in a third season two-parter, “The
Grandstand Play.”)
So…psycho killer—qu'est-ce que c'est? It would appear young Ernie has seen Emmett’s
ad in the Mayberry Gazette (“Over
1,000 fish wrapped weekly”) and the sign in the fix-it shop window…and he has
heard his future vocation a-callin’.
ERNIE: Are you Mr. Clark?
EMMETT: Yeah…my shop’s temporary
closed, I can’t fix anything…I got a fractured ulna!
ERNIE: Oh, that’s why I’m here—I
saw your ad in the newspaper, and I’m applying for the job…
EMMETT: Oh… (Chuckling) Oh, well…I
guess I didn’t make myself pretty clear, sonny…I need somebody older than you…
ERNIE: I think I can handle it, Mr.
Clark…
EMMETT: No…no, no…I appreciate you
wantin’ to help out…but I gotta have somebody with a knowledge of science!
Science!
ERNIE: Well, that’s the reason I
applied…I’m in Mr. Desmond’s science class in high school…I’ve always had a
flair for it…
EMMETT: No…no, no…you don’t
understand…the fix-it shop business is very complicated…I
gotta have somebody who can work on my level, and…absorb the benefits of my
scientific know-how!
“You think you just instinctively know how large a hammer to
use when banging it against an appliance?
Well, you don’t, smartass…”
EMMETT (sitting down at his bench):
Thanks anyhow…I’ll see ya…
ERNIE: Yes, sir…thank you, Mr.
Clark… (He turns to leave as Emmett turns on a radio at his workbench) That’s quite a hum in that radio…
EMMETT: Yeah. I know…some things
just get so worn out you can’t fix
‘em…
ERNIE: Have you tried reversing the
polarity?
EMMETT: Huh?
“Reversing the polarity” is a fancy scientific term for
“turning the plug around.” Ernie
demonstrates this principle, and the radio has miraculously lost its hum,
sounding great. “Oh, well…you can always
do it that way, of course,” an embarrassed Emmett replies.
ERNIE: Gee, Mr. Clark…I sure would
like to work under your supervision…and get the benefits of your scientific
know-how…
EMMETT: Oh, you would? What would it be: afternoons after school and
Saturdays, I suppose, huh?
ERNIE: Yes, sir…
EMMETT; Ah…pays thirty-five a week…
ERNIE: Oh! That’s very
generous, sir!
EMMETT: It is?
Yay! Ernie has landed
the job…and he tells Emmett he’ll be by the shop immediately after school. Once Ernie has left, Emmett unplugs the radio
and, “reversing the polarity,” re-plugs it in to find that it’s still working
fine. (I guess he’s kicked that habit of
licking the plugs that used to be so common in early R.F.D. episodes.)
Giddy with his success at entering the wide, wide world of
electronics, Ernie bustles down the street and nearly collides with the only
person in that town having less sex than he…Mistah Howard Sprague. Carrying a bag of groceries, Howard meets up
with Emmett, who has decided to knock off work early and get some panhandling
in at his oh-so-familiar bus bench (the cast on his arm should ensure a good
take, too).
HOWARD: Say, that young fellow was
certainly all excited…huh?
EMMETT: Oh, his name’s Ernie…I more
or less hired him to help me out while I’m laid up… (He starts to remove the
“Expert Help Wanted” sign from his window)
HOWARD: Oh…oh, hey—that’s a great
idea, Emmett!
EMMETT: What’s so great about it?
HOWARD: Well, taking on a young
person like that…that shows good judgment
on your part…
EMMETT: He’s the only one who answered the ad! I didn’t want a kid, I wanted a grown-up man!
But Howard is sticking to his guns about how important it is
for a business to get some “fresh blood” every now and then…and Emmett shoots
back: “When it comes to blood, I prefer some that’s been circulatin’ a while.” In
case you’re wondering, this is going to be the theme of our episode today:
Emmett, the fusty old codger set in his ways, will learn that the children are
our future…teach them well and let them lead the way…show them all the beauty
they possess inside…give them a sense of pride to make it easier…let the
children's laughter remind us how we used to be. (Or song lyrics to that effect.)
So his first day on the job, Ernie the Apprentice is being
given an orientation lecture from Emmett:
EMMETT: Now the…customer will have
the other half of the ticket…you see, we have certain ways of doing things around here…I’ve learned by
experience…
ERNIE: Yes, sir…
EMMETT: Let’s take this old heater…
(He shows it to Ernie) You see…the fuse is blown out at the back…but the
number’s burned off, so I don’t know what size of fuse it was…I’ll have to
write to the factory or somethin’…
ERNIE: Oh…well, the plate on the
back should tell the voltage and wattage… (He picks up the heater and turns it
around to look at the back) Let’s see…yeah… (He whips out a pencil and starts writing
on a piece of paper) Twelve…120 volts…2400 watts…figure that in ohms…adjust to
five…move the decimal…yeah, here it is—looks like a twenty amp fuse…have you
got any?
EMMETT: Huh? Oh…yeah…well, there’s some in that box over
there…
The dynamic between these two is starting to resemble the
relationship between Foghorn Leghorn and that brainiac pullet he’s always being
asked to look after (“No…I better not look…I might, I say, I just might be in there…”). Ernie fixes the heater faster than you can say
“André-Marie Ampère,” and then is there a dissolve to a shot of Sam and Goober
sitting lazily on a bus bench. Sam is
perusing the paper, and what I enjoyed so much about this scene is that there
actually were newspapers published that
size many, many years ago. The Clarksburg Exponent-Telegram was one;
I remember devouring the comics section of it on Sundays whenever we’d visit my
grandparents—it was like reading a freaking bed sheet!
GOOBER: Hey! There’s the ad Emmett put in!
SAM: Oh yeah…
GOOBER: He got somebody, you know…
SAM: He did?
GOOBER: Yeah…some kid…he’s the only
one who answered the ad…
SAM (reading): Well, that’ll be
some help…
GOOBER: Oh, I ain’t so sure…I was
in there for a minute and Emmett was havin’ to tell the kid exactly how to do things…
Yeah, Ernie the Wunderkind is inside the fix-it shop
splitting the atom, but Emmett is still barking out orders. Observe as the two of them repair an
ice-cream maker:
EMMETT: Watch your fingers now…got
it? Fasten the latch… (He turns the
crank a little) Yeah, that does it…now to make sure you understand the
principle involved here…the shaft bushings on this ice cream freezer were worn
on one side…that threw off the primary gear…actually, it was fighting where the
metal teeth come together…d’ya understand what I’m driving at?
ERNIE: Yes, sir…the principle of considered
proposed rotation is used in a lot of industrial machines…what do you want me
to do next, Mr. Clark?
EMMETT (after a pause): You don’t
call that finished, do ya?
ERNIE: Well, yeah…it works fine…
EMMETT: Why, you didn’t even dust it off! Anything that goes out of this shop, it goes
out of here clean! (He picks up a dust rag) Especially if it’s an item in preparing food! You expect to learn about science…you gotta
pay more attention!
ERNIE: I’m sorry, sir…
Since Sam hasn’t made his daily pilgrimage to Emmett’s, it’s
as good a time as any to have him stop by, asking about a “chrome calendar
clock I left in here last week.” Emmett,
not wanting to admit that he couldn’t repair a chrome calendar clock if it was
ticking off the last seconds of a bomb set to blow up Mayberry, tries to stall
Sam by telling him “there’s a lot of wheels and junk in there, and I figured
I’d better wait until I can give it my undivided attention.” But Emmett has failed to reckon with the
amazing repair powers of the ever-helpful Ernie!
ERNIE (bringing a clock over to the
counter where Sam and Emmett are conversing): Is this the one, Mr. Clark? Uh…it’s all ready to go…
EMMETT: What?
ERNIE: Yes, sir…I took it apart
when you were out before…the ratchet forward jammed, so the date wheel wouldn’t
move…
SAM: You mean it’s all fixed?
EMMETT: Well, I guess it is, Sam…
(Laughing) I’ve just been so busy it must have slipped my mind…uh…I…I think,
uh, two dollars ought to cover it…
SAM: Well! (He laughs)
ERNIE: I’ll get a box for ya…
SAM: Well, thank you!
EMMETT: I’m sorry I didn’t remember
to tell ya, Sam, but…I guess I musta been thinkin’ of somebody else’s chrome calendar clock…
“Hey, that’s a great little assistant you got there,” Sam
points out…and Emmett’s insecurities start to rise to the fray again. He’s staring into the abyss: he’s obsolete,
and will soon be replaced by nerdy Ernie, who can not only fix anything that’s
thrown at him but is probably just chomping at the bit for the opportunity to
go home and service Mrs. Clark (Martha).
“Yeah, he’s okay,” Emmett grumbles.
“You gotta watch him.”
SAM: Amazing about this younger generation, isn’t it? I mean, how smart they are…the way they latch onto things…I tell you,
Emmett—they’ll be ahead of us before we know it…
“Oh…you, too, huh?” Emmett replies in a reference to the
earlier conversation he had with Howard.
To soothe his bruised ego, Emmett chides Ernie for not properly dusting
off Sam’s clock before it is returned to him…and then it’s time for a General
Foods break.
Back in Sam’s office, our hero is discussing a serious
streetlight matter with Howard and Goober…and I must say, Howard’s wearing a
particularly snazzy suit.
HOWARD: Yeah, well, we have had a
lot of complaints, you know…I mean, with it being dark down there that kids are
parking there after the show…
GOOBER: Yeah…and they’re jammin’ up the place—Saturday night, I
had to drive up all the way to Myers’ Lake …
Kind of a laugh-out-loud moment for me—both in Goober’s
line, and Howard’s uniquely Southern way of referring to the movies as “the
show” (my old Savannah pal The
Chief does this all the time). Goober
notices Sam’s calendar clock on his desk, prompting Sam to sing Ernie’s
praises, mentioning that the kid fixed it on his lunch hour and that “he seems
to be smart as a whip.” (Of course,
Emmett is his point of reference here…so you could say the same thing about a
five-speed blender and technically not be too far off.)
HOWARD: You know, that’s the very
thing I was trying to impress on Emmett…you know, we adults are sometimes
inclined to downgrade the youth of today and it’s often unjustified…
SAM: I’ll go along with that…
HOWARD: As a matter of fact, I
think there’s a lot of lessons we can learn from them…
GOOBER: Boy, you’re right about
that, Howard…just last month a kid showed me how to sell a car with a noisy
transmission…you stuff the gearbox full of sawdust…keeps
it quiet for two or three days…
“I was speaking of more worthwhile
things, Goober,” Howard patiently explains to his chimp-like friend. “Like…optimism and eagerness and a fresh
outlook.” Taking their leave of Sam,
Howard and Goober head back to their respective jobs (snicker) and are out the
city council door when Howard gets a sudden realization:
HOWARD: Say…I just had a
thought—you know, since this kid Ernie did such a swell job on Sam’s calendar
clock I just might take my malted milk machine in there!
GOOBER: You gotta a malted milk
machine?
HOWARD: Yeah!
GOOBER: Wow…
Goober is starting to think on the same wavelength as
Howard—that this is going to usher in a new age in the town of Mayberry ,
where broken appliances are refurbished by the simple laying on of hands from
Ernie Ballard, Master Repairman.
GOOBER: Hey, maybe I’ll take my
tape recorder in there, too…it’s been on the blink for six months and all
Emmett ever did to it was hit it with his rubber hammer…
HOWARD: Yeah, I know…he operates
under the theory that everything’s “stuck”…he
did the same thing with my alarm clock and knocked the bell clean off of it…
GOOBER: I think there’ll be a lot
of people in Mayberry who’ll want that kid Ernie to work on their stuff…
HOWARD: I wouldn’t be a bit
surprised…
GOOBER: You know, Howard…Emmett
havin’ his arm in that cast might be one of the best things that ever happened to Mayberry…
The way these two idiots start laughing at the mere
contemplation of Emmett’s ineptitude is sort of disturbing…and hilarious at the
same time. “Let’s go break his other
arm!” I can picture Howard saying.
“Better still…I’ll arrange to run over ‘em with my truck,”
Goober says with a twinkle. Instead,
Goober rushes off down the street where he runs into a Mayberry face we haven’t
seen in some time (though he’s been referenced in an episode or two): the
inscrutable Elmo, owner of the town drugstore (and played by veteran character
actor Vince Barnett).
ELMO: Hello, Goober—what’s your
hurry?
GOOBER: Oh…hey, Elmo…sorry…I was on
my way home to pick up my tape recorder and take it over to the fix-it shop…
(After a pause) Well, didn’t you hear the news?
ELMO: What’s that?
GOOBER: Emmett Clark busted his
arm!
ELMO: Well, you seem awfully pleased about it…
Beautiful delivery by Barnett.
GOOBER; Well, no…I mean…he’s got a
lateral fracture and everything—but with him out of commission, he’s got a
young fella named Ernie workin’ for him who’s a whiz!
ELMO: Can he fix tape recorders? (Waving
a finger) They’re pretty tricky…
GOOBER: Sounds like he can fix
anything! He did a great job on Sam’s
calendar clock, and Howard’s givin’ him his malted milk machine!
ELMO: Howard has a malted milk machine?
Yeah, you’ve probably guessed by now that this is the
“repetitive funny” line I mentioned in the first paragraph of this essay. Hearing about all this amazing repair
activity prompts Elmo to muse as to whether Ernie the Great and Powerful can
fix a can opener of his that’s on the fritz.
“Emily’s had to open my supper by hand for the past two weeks,” he says
sadly, referring to Mrs. Elmo. Goober
excuses himself and races off to get his tape recorder “before Ernie gets too
busy”…and in a scene shift, we see the young man hard at work repairing an
identified appliance. Emmett is seated
in his trusty chair by the cash register, accepting a mixer from a female
patron and letting her know that she can expect the work to be done in two
weeks. Then Elmo presents Emmett with
his broken can opener.
EMMETT: Now, Elmo…let’s take a look
at this…can opener… (Emmett picks it up and shakes it slightly, then sets it
back down on the counter and taps on it with a mallet before picking it up
again for another shake) Well…nothing sounds loose in there…that’s usually a good sign…
ELMO: The motor runs good, but it
runs slow…it crackles, and smokes…
EMMETT: Oh, that’s probably your armature…
ERNIE (interjecting): If it was a
burned-out armature it wouldn’t run at all…sounds
like the brushes, Mr. Clark…
EMMETT (turning back to Elmo): Then
again, it could be your brushes…
ELMO: How long you do think it’ll
take Ernie to fix it?
EMMETT (irritated): I can have it for you in about three
weeks…
The next customer to bring in a broken appliance is
identified in the closing credits as “Harry”…but he’s no stranger to R.F.D.,
as he was also in the previous episode “New Couple in Town,” playing a “Mr.
Carver.” It’s pozz'ble, just pozz'ble, as my friend Toby would say (a nod to Deputy Dawg's Muskie Muskrat), that it could be the same character…but here’s where things get
tricky. Richard Collier is also credited at the
IMDb with playing “Harry” in the first season R.F.D. outing “Sam the Expert Farmer.” I’ve previously covered that
show on the blog, and while the character is briefly referenced by Sam we never
actually see him. There are two
explanations to explore here: 1) the IMDb is wrong (and that’s just crazy talk)
or 2) Collier’s “Harry” is in “Expert
Farmer” but his scenes ended up on the cutting room floor from the
edited-for-syndication trimming that has victimized so many of these
reruns. All you need to know regarding R.F.D.
and Collier’s Harry, however, is that he apparently runs a supply store…though
he would seem a bit overdressed if that is indeed his occupation in this
episode.
HARRY: It crushes the ice all right…but
the pieces are much too big…
EMMETT (examining the ice crusher,
he slides a compartment in and out): Drawer’s got a nice slide to it…
HARRY: Oh, it worked fine for a
couple of years…
ERNIE: If the flywheel bearing is
worn…it’ll throw the blades out of line… (He picks the ice maker up off the
counter) Cancel out all the fine adjustments…
EMMETT (after an embarrassing
pause): Well, I can give it a routine overhaul if you like, Harry…but
personally at our house, when we want crushed ice—I put it in a flour sack and smack it with a mallet!
But Harry insists that Emmett “have the boy give it a
going-over” and then give him a call when it’s ready. As he heads out of the shop, he runs into
Goober—who after greeting Harry hilariously asks him in a stage whisper “Did
you bring anything in?” Harry nods
solemnly. (I did laugh at this.)
GOOBER: How are ya, Emmett! And there’s Ernie, huh… (Loudly) How are you,
Ernie?
ERNIE: Fine, Mr. Pyle…
EMMETT (after a pause): You want
something, Goober?
GOOBER: Me? Well, I just dropped in to ask…uh…how’s the
ol’ arm, Emmett?
EMMETT: It’s broken!
GOOBER: Yeah, well…I know that…I
mean, how’s it comin’ along and all that?
When will the cast be off?
EMMETT: Well…be at least another
four weeks…
GOOBER: Four weeks, huh? No chance of gettin’ it off any sooner?
EMMETT: No…
GOOBER: Well, in that case…
Goober presents Emmett with the tape recorder that is in
need of repair. An embarrassed Emmett
reads off the model number, then remarks “It’s one of them, huh?”
“Yeah,” answers His Goobness. Then so Ernie can hear: “It don’t work at
all!” Ernie sheepishly looks at Emmett
as his mentor rewards him with a scowl.
Telling Goober “We’ll check it,” we take our leave of the fix-it shop
and follow Howard into Sam’s office as our hero attempts to set a clock hanging
on the wall.
SAM: What have you got there?
HOWARD: My malted milk machine!
SAM: You have a malted milk machine?
You cannot tell me that’s not funny.
HOWARD: Yeah…I just picked it up
over at the fix-it shop…boy, Emmett’s business is certainly booming…
SAM: Yeah…isn’t that great?
HOWARD: Yeah…funny, you know…he was
so worried and all when he first broke his arm…it’s funny how it worked out…
SAM: Yeah…thank goodness it turned
out all right…
HOWARD: Yeah…yeah…I just wonder if
he’s going to keep that kid on when his arm comes out of the cast…
SAM: Well…it’d be the smartest
thing he ever did…
So I’m guessing Ernie’ll be standing in the unemployment
line soon. Howard laughs at Sam’s
observation, and as we return to the fix-it shop Emmett has been reduced to
answering the telephone with his good hand.
EMMETT (into the receiver): Fix-it
shop…oh, hello, Harry…huh? Uh, just a
minute… (He slides the phone in Ernie’s direction) It’s for you…it’s on the ice
crusher…
As Ernie explains to Harry what the problem is, Emmett has
finally reached the end of his rope.
This, of course, would make for a great R.F.D. episode (“Brother
Clark ended it all by jumping into Myers’ Lake …”) but
instead he leaves the fix-it shop and winds up in Sam’s office for a man-to-man
with Mayberry’s resident sage:
EMMETT (dejectedly slumping into a
chair): Sam, I wanna talk to you…
SAM (not looking up from his
typing): Sure…sure, go ahead…
EMMETT: Sam…you’ve been a pretty
good friend of mine…
“Even though you did run against me in the Andy
Griffith Show episode ‘Sam for Town Council’…you son of a…”
EMMETT: …I want you to be the first
to know I’ve come to a decision…
SAM: Yeah…what kind of a decision?
EMMETT: I’m leavin’ Mayberry…
I’d tell you that balloons and confetti start dropping down
from the ceiling upon this utterance, and all the Mayberry R.F.D. regulars
file into the office wearing party hats and the like…but that’s just me being a
wiseass again.
SAM (his typing stops): Leaving
Mayberry?
EMMETT: Yeah…closin’ up the fix-it
shop…maybe open up a place in Mt. Pilot …
…and the marrow of every man, woman and child in that burg
began to chill like never before. Sam is
incredulous at hearing this news, and Emmett explains to him that “everything
has changed.” When pressed on this,
Emmett elucidates further: “You remember how people used to come in with all
their gadgets…sit around and chew the fat while I fixed a lawn mower or some
kid’s tricycle or somethin’?”
“Yeah,” replies Sam. “Well,
now they’re all linin’ up with a bunch of silly tape recorders and ice crushers
and modern stuff like that,” continues Emmett.
“All askin’ for Ernie! I tell ya,
it ain’t Emmett’s Fix-It Shop anymore.”
So Sam has to enlighten Emmett that to everything (turn turn
turn) there is a season (turn turn turn) and a time to every purpose under
Heaven. He manages to do this with a
totally straight face by illustrating that it’s difficult for him to adapt at
times with modern farming methods (only when he’s ever engaged in such activity
is still a mystery for the ages):
SAM: There are new challenges in
every field…look at me now, for instance…I-I work with a lot of these kids in
the 4-H program…and let me tell ya, when it comes to modern farming methods
these kids really keep me on my toes!
EMMETT: But, Sam…you’ve been farmin’
for years!
I swear, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
SAM: Well, sure I have…but you know
I still spend one or two nights a week studying up on the latest techniques? Reading the latest Department of Agriculture
bulletins?
EMMETT: You do?
SAM: Sure I do! I can’t afford to let these kids get any
smarter than I am…
“I don’t actually put any of this crap into practice…but at least I can lock myself
away in my room, secure in knowing that I don’t have to listen to that doltish
son of mine for the better part of the evening…” There is a simple solution to Emmett’s
ignorance: Sam places a call to the local high school, and arranges for his
friend to sit in on the same science class as apprentice Ernie…said period
being taught by this man:
Yes, it’s the incomparable Jason Wingreen…who is certainly
no stranger to the fine, outstanding folks who make Thrilling Days of Yesteryear a part of their weekly nostalgic
blogging experience. I have mentioned
this before, but for an amazing reminiscence on Wingreen’s career, you should
read this two-part interview conducted by The
Classic TV History Blog’s Stephen Bowie with the man who—knock wood—will celebrate
his ninety-second natal anniversary in October.
(The interview contains one of my all-time favorite show business
stories, a hilarious anecdote involving Wingreen’s Archie Bunker’s Place co-star
Bill Quinn that makes me roll with mirth every time I hear it.) Jason has a brief bit here (seriously—it’s
like his class period is less than a minute) as science instructor Mr. Desmond,
whose only purpose for being in this episode is to demonstrate that Emmett has
not completely retreated into fogeyism that he can’t run with a few of the
young dogs when it comes to electronics.
“It’s a pleasure to have Mr. Clark sitting in with us in this course,”
Desmond lectures the rest of the class, “to keep himself current on the recent
advances in technology. And we’re very
fortunate in turn…to get the benefits of his long years of experience in the
practical world of science.”
Sam stops by just as the class bell rings because he’s
magnanimous enough to give Emmett a lift home so he doesn’t have to drive with
a busted flipper. So let’s slap a coda
on this baby and call it a day with a quick scene back in Sam’s office…
HOWARD: Now, as a point of fact…the
younger generation has brought the older folks up short down through the ages…Alexander
the Great was only sixteen when he
took over the government in his father’s absence…
GOOBER: Alexander Great? I don’t believe I know him…
HOWARD (after giving him a look):
Well, anyway…I’m glad Emmett’s sitting in on these science classes…it’s changed
his whole attitude! Given him
confidence!
SAM: Yeah, I’ll say…he used to
charge me sixty cents to replace the batteries in my transistor radio? Yesterday he called it an “electrical
regeneration” and soaked me two bucks!
HOWARD: Well, I’m glad I got my
malted milk machine in there before the prices shot up…
GOOBER (to Sam): Did you know
Howard’s got a malted milk machine?
Okay, I confess…I just wanted to reference that one last
time.
Well, what news do we have with regards to Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented
Bee-o-Meter™—the finely-calibrated device that tallies the number of episodes
Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) has appeared in during her brief
association (the first two seasons) of Mayberry R.F.D? Sadly, it once again budges not a nonce...but it’s
not something I need to have boy wonder Ernie look at; she simply does not
appear in this episode (so the count remains at six appearances for this
season, with a total of eighteen appearances overall), nor does the only reason
why anybody would ever look at this series with more than just morbid
curiosity, bakery doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka). However, Aunt Bee fans can rejoice in the
knowledge that she will be around for next week’s episode, “The New Well”…and
barring a last-minute emergency, I’ll be presenting it to you on the next Mayberry
Mondays.
1 comment:
"apparently I’m some sort of a farmer or something"
What? No!
I like Elliott Street! When I was a kid, I always thought he looked like Roger Ebert (at least when he was in glasses) so that's what I called him, "the guy that looks like Roger Ebert."
I started laughing at the second malted milk machine reference before I knew it was the running gag you were talking about. Hilarious.
Speaking of, I swear that earlier today the Bill Quinn story popped into my head and I chuckled quietly to myself.
I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with Howard in that sharp white suit. It's a little too Scarface for me.
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