I’m just as surprised as you are that I was able to get this week’s Doris Day(s) up on the blog today after kind being kept occupied yesterday—I only hope you’ll forgive me for the delays in the past, and keep in mind that if you send me to Blogosphere Prison there’ll be no one around to keep my parents from killing one another.
Today’s episode, as is the established pattern, opens in the offices of Today’s World (the NOW magazine)…and this amusing image of office busybody Myrna Gibbons (Rose Marie) listening in at the door of the magazine’s major domo, Michael “Nick” Nicholson (McLean Stevenson). Amusing because as diabolical as Myrna is, I would have assumed that she had already installed a sophisticating bugging system in that joint and would not have to refer to such arcane eavesdropping measures. Enter her pal, the Widder Martin (Doris).
DORIS: What are you doing?
MYRNA: I’m trying to hear!
DORIS: What?
MYRNA: Doris, I’m so glad you asked me to sit in for you
while you went out to lunch…you’ll never guess who’s in Mr. Nicholson’s
office—you’ll never guess!
DORIS: Claude LeMaire…
MYRNA: You guessed!
Okay, before you start thinking Doris is a witch and that
we’re going to have to burn her, I should point out that she knows who Nick’s
visitor is because she made the appointment.
DORIS: Myrna, you’re acting like a
silly schoolgirl…he’s just another movie
star…
Ohhhh…so that’s what Claude does when he’s not tending
bar. Truth be told, I’m not surprised
Doris is a bit jaded by the whole “movie star” thing—after all, once you’ve
pretended to sleep with Rock Hudson in three feature films it’s all downhill
from there. Doris’ intercom buzzes, and
it’s Nicholson—asking her to bring in a release form for LeMaire to sign. Myrna begs Dor to let her do it, but it looks
like Doris is going to tackle this secretarial task by her lonesome. “Will you control yourself?” Doris asks her
pal. “You’re losing your cool, girl…”
Myrna does make Doris promise to leave Nick’s office door open a crack so she
can continue to snoop.
Well, let’s meet this week’s special guest—shall we?
LeMaire has turned up in the offices of the NOW magazine
because Nick’s arranged a big publicity foofrah for the actor’s newest
movie. Doris, who chided Myrna for being
so starry-eyed about Claude earlier, has apparently fallen for LeMaire’s charms
because she’s using that soft breathy voice of hers whenever she meets a dude
she likes. Plus LeMaire goes into the
whole “Enchanté” routine, including this:
Yes, we’ve got ourselves a hand-kisser. I will not penalize anyone with demerits if you wish to sneak out of the blog at this time.
NICK: Doris…why don’t you show Mr.
LeMaire where to sign?
DORIS: Oh…yes, sir… (Handing him
the form) Right there, Monsieur…
CLAUDE: Thank you…
(Pregnant pause)
NICK: Doris…the pen?
DORIS: Oh! Mr. Nicholson—do you have one?
And it pretty much goes like that from there—while Nick and
Claude attempt to work out the details of the publicity junket, Doris stumbles
and bumbles around like Lucy Carmichael on meth. Two things did make me snicker, though: she
hands the coffee pot to Nick, who registers a hilarious expression of pain when
he takes it in his hands, and then there’s bit:
She collects LeMaire’s still-lit cigar, and then seconds later he looks around the table for the stogie. That’s when she realizes she removed it prematurely, and when she fishes it out of the container she trills “Oh! It didn’t go out!”
Finally, Nick yells out “Thank you, Doris!” in the same tone
as someone might utter “Nothing to see here—move along, folks!” Doris Lucys her way out of Nick’s office, unaware
her awkwardness has attracted the attention of Monsieur LeMaire:
 |
| Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. |
NICK: Yes…well, now—I’ll get in
touch with your publicity agent the minute he gets to town and we’ll schedule
some…
CLAUDE: Excuse me—is she married?
NICK: Who?
CLAUDE: Your secretary…
NICK: No…no…she’s a widow…
“But if you wait around a couple more seasons, she’ll be on
the market!” After a dissolve, we find
Nick escorting LeMaire out of his office, promising to call him at his
hotel. Claude takes a moment to stop at
Doris’ desk, for he has—how you say—a proposal:
CLAUDE: Madame…may I thank you
again for all your kindness…
DORIS: Oh, it was my pleasure…
CLAUDE: Au revoir…
DORIS: Au revoir…
(Claude walks toward the door, then
stops and walks back)
CLAUDE: Madame…tomorrow night they
are having the premiere of my…uh…latest picture…
DORIS: Yes…I know…
CLAUDE: I…uh…I know so very few
people here in your city, and…I was…uh…wondering if maybe you would do me the
honor of…uh…permitting me to escort you…
DORIS: Escort me?
CLAUDE: Yes…to…to my premiere…
DORIS: To your premiere?
What are you, a f**king parrot? Claude explains that he’s asking Doris for a
date, and because it’s been so long—well,
two episodes back—she says yes…or “Oui,” in French-talk (though Dor says it as
if she’s just got off the Tilt-a-Whirl: “Whee!”).
CLAUDE: I’ll pick you up at seven,
huh? What is your address?
DORIS: Well, I live in Mill
Valley…uh, 32 Mill Valley Road…you cross the Golden Gate Bridge…and when you
get to the other side, there’s a sign…uh…that says to Mill Valley…it veers to
the right…and you go to the right, and you stay on that road…and then you come
to a fork in the road…
“Then make a right turn at a big rock that looks like a
bear, then make a left turn at a big bear that looks like a rock…if you see a
Tastee Freeze on the right—you’ve gone
too far!” Doris decides that since
LeMaire is just a-visitin’, perhaps it would be easier if she met him in town,
and he is relieved by that suggestion.
 |
| "He asked me!" |
DORIS: It’s true! He asked me to go to
his premiere!
MYRNA: Oh, why couldn’t it happen to me?!! Why does my fairy godmother always let me down?!!
DORIS: I still can’t get over it,
Myrn—the whole thing is just wild!
MYRNA: Come on, girl…you’re losing
your cool!
The celebration comes to a screeching halt, however, when
sudden realization kicks in—Doris has nothing to wear. “Oh, come on, Doris—you’ve got beautiful clothes!” Myrna reminds her
chum, which did made me giggle because I have a tendency to question how Doris
retains her sartorial flair with two kids to support in a dead-end secretarial
job. Dor’s got a black cocktail dress,
but Myrna says that won’t do; she’s also got a beige chiffon with a jeweled
top, “it just needs shortening.” (Break
out the Crisco!) But then Dodo realizes
that won’t work, because she lacks the proper accessories. So it’s settled—she and Myrna will get the
necessities tomorrow (bag, gloves, shoes, etc.) because ladies love to shop,
amirite?
A dissolve finds Doris pulling into Rancho Webb, which as I
have pointed out previously is slightly different from the house featured in
the first season…and yet still retains the same basic floor plan inside. Her father, Laird Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle),
is lifting heavy sacks into a pickup truck while her idiot sons Billy (Philip
Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke) cut firewood with a sharp, pointy saw. (What could possibly go wrong with this
scenario?)
Kee-rist, it’s worse than I thought—she’s not supposed to
forget she has children until Season Four!
BUCK: Oh, yeah…volunteered right
after they got home from school…
DORIS: Volunteered?
BUCK: Uh-huh…
DORIS: My kids?
BUCK: Yep…
DORIS: How much you paying them?
BUCK: Nothing…
DORIS: They’re not my kids…
We may have to call CPS before this dialogue exchange is
through. Buck then explains to his
daughter that because he’s umpiring their little league game tomorrow that
might have something to do with their desire to sweat and toil. “They think I’ll throw a few decisions their
way,” he chuckles.
“Yep…they’re my kids, all right,” Doris replies. Crisis averted, everyone!
BILLY: Okay…
DORIS: Ready for the big game
tomorrow?
BILLY: I sure am!
TOBY: I’m ready, too, Mom!
BILLY: You’re only the bat boy…
TOBY: Well, I’m ready…
Toby is going to turn out like Larry Flynt’s brother Jimmy
in The People vs. Larry Flynt (1996),
always living in his brother’s shadow.
Sad. So very sad. So let’s lighten the mood a bit and saddle
the old man with a back injury, eh?
BUCK: Right there…ooh…
DORIS: That better?
BUCK: That’s it…
Hey, didn’t you people used to have a hand…er, forget I mentioned
that. Buck asks Doris if anything
exciting happened to her at the old salt lick, and she tries to remain
nonchalant. “Just another day, you
know…dictation and typing…and phone calls…and I met the French movie star,
Claude LeMaire…and he asked me to go to the premiere of his movie tomorrow
night…not too much.”
“You’re goin’ out with Claude LeMaire…I’m goin’ out with
Brigitte Bardot—hey, how’d you like to make a double date?” Buck jokes. But Doris crosses her heart and swears this
is no bullsh*t—she’s really going to the premiere with Monsieur Montage, and
Buck is tickled pink.
BUCK: You’re gonna have to get all
gussied up, huh?
DORIS: Yeah, I’m all set…Myrna’s
going to help me…she’s going to meet me in town tomorrow…
BUCK: Oh, that’s great!
DORIS: Isn’t that groovy?
Far out. “Well, he’s
got good taste,” beams Buck, and we dissolve to a montage of Doris and Myrna
shopping for pretty things…which I’m going to skip over for the most part (I
wonder if they went back into Frisco for this stuff or did they load up at the
Cotina Bon Ton?—I don’t even think Doris refers to it as “Cotina” anymore,
she’s always calling it “Mill Valley”) except for this next screen cap. You may have noticed that Doris is back to
her old hair (probably because these filmed shows aired out of sequence), but I
got a snicker out of her trying on this dark wig at the hairdresser’s:
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| "I am...how you say in your language...le strumpet!" |
…Parker is played by a journeyman actor named James Chandler, who played a lot of medicos and sheriffs in his lengthy show bidness career. His main claim to fame was emoting as Lt. Gerard (no relation to the guy what chased after Dr. Kimble on The Fugitive all those years) on Bourbon Street Beat (1959-60), a short-lived ABC crime drama that tried to capitalize on the network’s successful 77 Sunset Strip formula, except it was set in N’awlins. After Bourbon Street was cancelled, star Richard Long (as Rex Randolph) eventually relocated to 77 Sunset Strip, while another character played by Van Williams (Kenny Madison) made his way to Miami and became a private eye on Surfside 6.
PARKER: Your dad just strained his
back…
DORIS: Oh…no kidding…oh, he complained about it yesterday…
PARKER: I told him he’d have to
stay in bed at least a day or so…
DORIS: Great…he’ll love that…
PARKER: Well, if you have to, strap him in…and I left some pills…
“Oh, and I prescribed some medication for his back, too.” Doris goes inside in time to hear her
bedridden father pissing and moaning about being bedridden.
DORIS: What’s this about you?
BUCK: Oh, that old quack…all I
got’s a little crick in my back and he’s makin’ a big deal out of it…I’m as SPRYYYY…
Doris sits down on the bed, producing a back spasm in Buck and the capitalization of that last word in his dialogue. Doris will brook no disagreement, though—he’s going to stay in that bed, and that’s non-negotiable…but she wonders if she should cancel her date that evening, since she wouldn’t feel right about leaving her father alone with her two idiot sons. “I’ll call Mrs. Turpin,” brightens Doris…but her father says no way José: “That biddy? I don’t know what clacks faster, her mouth or her knitting needles! I don’t want her in my house!”
I’m starting to understand why Doris is constantly looking
for excuses to stay in town…hell, I’m even beginning to see why she’s going to
cut the old man loose come next season.
But one problem remains: Buck’s got that Little League game obligation,
and so Doris is going to have to extricate him from that. Doris…these two young boys are your children:
TOBY: Yeah…he hurt his back…
DORIS: Oh—you know about it, then?
BILLY: Yeah…
DORIS: Gee, I’m sorry…it really
throws you a curve today, doesn’t it?
Little baseball joke for those of you still with us.
DORIS: Because Grandpa won’t be
able to umpire today, honey…not the game this afternoon…
BILLY: That’s all right…we already
told our manager we got someone to take his place…
DORIS: Oh, did you? Oh, that’s good…who’d you get?
BILLY: You!
Sad trombone, line two!
Doris vehemently protests—she can’t umpire no stinking baseball
game! She must prepare herself for that
hot date with Monsieur Mise en Scène!
Doris asks why none of the other parents are available for this task,
and her son explains to her that they’ve all had their turn—which is why Buck
was up in the rotation. “With Grandpa
out, you’re the only parent we’ve got
left,” Billy whines as sad music plays in the background. (This kid is good—he must be taking guilt
lessons from my mother!)
As Act Two of “Doris Strikes Out” gets underway, Doris has
agreed to call the game because both Billy and Toby have assured her it’ll be
over in plenty of time for her to get ready and attend the premiere. While getting ready for the game, Doris attends
to her incapacitated father, who’s crabbing about why it’s taking so long for
her to bring him his soup. She brings a
tray into his bedroom.
BUCK: I don’t like being a grouch,
but I’m not used to just layin’ around…
DORIS: Well, a little laying around
is going to do you a lot of good… (She starts to unfold his napkin)
BUCK: I’m used to takin’ care of
myself! Now I can do this…I don’t want
to be a bother…
DORIS (mockingly): That’s all
right, Grandpa—I don’t mind…
For someone who doesn’t want to be a bother, he does ask
Doris if she’ll go back downstairs and get the latest issue of the Farm Journal. (Check out that centerfold—yowsah!) Oh, and she’s brought him the plain
crackers…he likes the salted kind.
The screen cap shows that Buck is holding a Town House cracker, which had salt on them the last time I ate a whole box. I think he’s bitching just to bitch. So Doris gets the journal and the crackers, and it’s off to the old ball park we go. (She tells Buck she’ll have plenty of time to get ready for her date.)
The look on Doris’ face here suggests that they may have told a teensy fib…
…and the scoreboard also suggests the crowd’s going to have to settle in, ‘cause it’s gonna be a long one. (The concession stand people are probably high-fiving the crap out of one another…until they run out of Slim Jims, that is.) Most of what happens here is some admittedly funny visual comedy, so naturally it’s not going to transition to the blog too well (Doris keeps impatiently telling the kids at the plate to get a move on after they’re walked by the pitcher)—but the highlight is Billy’s getting a hit and Doris calling him out at first…only to see the opposite team player drop the ball, so she has to reverse the call. She and Billy keep this up all around the bases, it’s pretty hilarious stuff. We do get the opportunity to introduce the real star of this week’s show…
Jump plays the manager of the opposing team, and the kid
he’s currently got on the mound is so bad Doris dusts off the plate at one
point and snidely asks the boy “Can you see it now?” So Gordon takes some time out to calm his
pitcher down with words of managerly advice: “Now just settle down,
Joey…just…settle down…”
DORIS: Hey—aren’t you going to take
him out?
GORDON: Well, what for?
DORIS: What for? He
can’t get the ball over the plate!
GORDON: This kid just happens to be
one of the best natural pitchers you’ll ever find…
DORIS: Oh, yeah?
GORDON: He’s got everything! Speed, curves, change-ups…heh…fire ‘em in
there, Joey!
JOEY: Okay, Dad…
Yeah, an obvious joke—but a funny one. Finally, Doris has to take the bull by the
horns. She gives Joey a rather liberal
“strike zone” and starts calling strikes that aren’t even in the vicinity of
the plate. (Gordon: “That’s gettin’ ‘em
over, Joey!”) When her son Billy
protests, she smacks him down with “You’re ahead 62 to 14—what do you want,
Billy?” It doesn’t take too long after
Doris makes some questionable calls that her son and his team go after her with
some handy bats (“I call ‘em like I see ‘em!” yells Doris). This game must have been played in the good
ol’ days when they allowed kids’ athletic spirits to be crushed by letting a
superior team run up the scoreboard to their hearts’ content.
You’ll notice that Doris pulls up to the house…and her kids are not in the back seat. (Oh my stars—it’s happening again!) A quick dissolve, and Doris is bounding out of the house and into her ensemble for the evening. She makes it to the premiere in the nick of time to be on the arm of Monsieur Tournage as they are led to their seats in the theatre.
CLAUDE: There have been so many
people around, I haven’t had a chance to tell you how lovely you look…
DORIS: Thank you very much…
CLAUDE: I hope you like the
picture…
DORIS: Oh, I’m sure I will…
(Stifling a yawn)
CLAUDE: Are you tired?
DORIS: Oh, no…no…I rested all day! I’m just nervous, I guess…
The lights go down…the picture unspools…and when the lights
go back up…
That is a whole lot of nervousness there. Poor Doris did so much running around and umpiring that she was just plumb tuckered out. She returns to stately Webb Manor, where her father continues to convalesce in his bed, and she tells him of his embarrassing faux pas.
DORIS: My big evening and I blew it!
Talk about embarrassed…
BUCK: Oh, Doris…
DORIS: Buck, I was so tired from all that happened to me today
I couldn’t stay awake for anything!
BUCK: Me and the kids…we ask too
much of you…
DORIS: Now don’t go blaming you and
the kids…it’s nobody’s fault…it’s just circumstances, that’s all…
Well, that and the fact that you fired all the hired help that used to run the place in Season One. (Not that I’m complaining, mind you.) Buck tells her to just get a good night’s rest…but that won’t be happening, my friend: “I slept all evening—I’m wide awake!” she gripes. So the two of them decide to watch the late movie (ask your parents about it, kids) and demonstrating that irony can be pretty ironic sometimes, the feature is "Strangers No More"…starring Claude LeMaire! “You’re going to get to spend an evening with Claude LeMaire after all!” crows Buck with a mouthful of popcorn. (No, I don’t know where he got it if he can’t get out of bed and the boys never came home. Maybe he keeps it in one of his nightstand drawers.)
The coda finds Doris and Myrna getting ready to do lunch,
and Myrna is understandably upset.
“Falling asleep on Claude LeMaire—fainting I can understand…but falling
asleep?” Doris nicely tells Myrn to put
a sock in it because she’s tired of hearing about her embarrassing moments, and
as the two of them head toward the door, Pepe le Pew enters.
DORIS: Mr. Nicholson isn’t in…he
won’t be back until 2:00…
CLAUDE: I did not come to see Mr. Nicholson…I came to see you…
DORIS: Me? After what happened?
CLAUDE: Oh, please…forget it…you
explained and I understood…I came to ask you if…if you would like to come and
have lunch with me?
DORIS: Oh, I’d love to…
That’s when Myrna starts tapping Doris on the shoulder as if to say “Hey, what about me, idiot?” So Doris introduces Myrna to Claude, and timidly asks if it would be all right if she accompanied them to lunch. Claude is cuke as a coolcumber about it (because he’s down with the ménage a trois), and Myrna cracks: “Hey, Doris—with you around, who needs a fairy godmother?”
Next time on Doris Day(s): I have to confess,
it’s been so long since I saw this one I’m not sure if it stinks or not—but the
guest star is a TDOY fave best
remembered as Ikky Mudd (with two k’s) on Captain Midnight, Charley Halper on Make
Room for Daddy and Alf Monroe on Green Acres—so how bad can it
be? (Plus, radio veteran Alice Backes
has a small part, as does character fave Michael Lerner.) It’s reminiscent of a classic Mayberry
R.F.D. episode, “Howard, the Swinger”—so join us for “Singles Only” on
the next Doris Day(s)!
