Adventures in Netflix

Well, it did not take long for my resolution to be more productive here on the blog in 2015 to blow away into the fierce four blogosphere winds; my inactivity is due to many factors: pure dagnasty laziness, my mother’s crossword puzzle obsession, and a battle currently raging with the alleged competency that is customer service at AT&T U-Verse.  (I will talk about this another time when there aren’t quite as many swear words.)  But if I had to lay the blame for my sloth at the feet of someone, Netflix would be the clear winner.

Here’s the straight dope (from a straight dope): you may recall in 2014 that I revealed my diabolical scheme to purchase a Blu-ray/DVD player for the TV in the living room so that I could watch some of my expanding Blu-ray collection—not to mention offerings from the once-healthy-now-depleted dusty Thrilling Days of Yesteryear archives—in the comfort of Count Comfy von Chair.  The player that I procured with some Amazon gift card largesse (thanks to sister Debbie and company) is also equipped with WiFi, and when the player was delivered by the skilled and proficient USPS (I say that with a heavy dose of sarcasm, by the way) no one was more surprised than I when it proved to be a breeze to set up.  This might be due to the fact that I glanced at the instructions beforehand…but I will neither confirm nor deny this.  (Also, too: the player did not come with a USSB cord…fortunately I had prepared for such emergencies.)

So I have the player…I hook it up…and naturally, I want to test out my new toy, so I decided to sign up for a free month at Netflix.  I’ve been a Netflix customer a couple of times in the past, and I never had any controversial issues other than the fact that I rarely got around to watching some of the rental DVDs, and thusly had difficulty justifying the expense.  With the streaming, there’s no problem: I watch the movies I want, and there’s no envelopes to return or any of that hassle.  I can see why Netflix, Hulu Plus and the other services available on the WiFi portion of the player are an attractive option to folks who are declaring their independence from cable (and good for them, I say).  Los Parentes Yesteryear cannot exercise that option because they enjoy sportsball too much…and if my Dad were to suddenly be separated from his cable news I can’t promise you things wouldn’t get ugly.

So in addition to some Radio Spirits assignments and some ClassicFlix stuff (here’s a review of 1928’s A Lady of Chance that’s just gone up recently) the rest of my time has been spent watching movies on Netflix.  What do I have to report?  Let’s find out.

Fantasia (1940)/Fantasia 2000 (1999) – Previously, I was oh-for-three in attempting to watch what many people consider Walt Disney’s greatest animation achievement: the 1940 classic Fantasia.  I bought the VHS in 1991 and tried to watch it on two separate occasions, falling fast asleep within the first half-hour every time.  The videocassette eventually got sold and I later purchased the 2000 DVD release…only to start snoring a third time, again around the thirty-minute mark.  (That bit o’DVD Sominex later got sold as well.)

I thought it might have just been me; maybe I was just lethargic due to lack of rest.  But, no—while I was successful on the fourth try (though I did nod off a couple of times) to see all of Fantasia, that movie is a sure fire cure for insomnia.  I know it’s heralded for its innovations in animation; I know it made great strides in stereophonic sound; I know it’s an acid trip for some.  But honest to my grandma, I think this film may be one of the most overrated I’ve ever watched.  Maybe it’s the classical music that puts me to sleep, but I’m pretty sure it’s the repetitive nature of the segments in the movie that does the trick.  With the possible exception of the Dance of the Hours ballet (the one with the hippos, gators, etc.), every sequence in Fantasia follows the same pattern: a period of tranquility…then upheaval…then tranquility again.  You could argue that this is due to the nature of music chosen, and I probably wouldn’t offer up too much of a rebuttal except for a yawn.

This is not to say there aren’t entertaining moments in Fantasia: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice with Mickey Mouse (the cartoon that laid the groundwork for the feature) is always fun, and I like the Night on Bald Mountain sequence (though I’ll admit I giggle when I hear the music, knowing it was the theme for radio’s Escape).  But the movie as a whole is way too long for my attention span…and you’re going to think me positively mahd but I actually preferred Fantasia 2000 (1999; which I also watched) more.  (I loved the shorter running time and variety of the segments in that—my favorite is probably the Al Hirschfeld-inspired Rhapsody in Blue number.)

Canon City (1948) – This classic semi-documentary film noir had been on my “must-see” list for a long time: Canon City tells the tale of a daring prison break at the Colorado State Penitentiary in 1947, masterminded in the movie by TDOY fave Jeff Corey (one of his best onscreen turns).  Scott Brady plays the lifer who’s reluctantly dragooned into going along with a dream cast of cons that includes Whit Bissell, Stanley Clements, DeForest Kelley, Henry Brandon and Charles Russell.  Actual Colorado State Pen warden Roy Best plays himself (and was smart to keep his day job), and silver screen Dick Tracy Ralph Byrd plays a screw who’s taken hostage.  If you didn’t know this one was written and directed by Crane Wilbur you’d swear it was an Anthony Mann noir…no doubt due to the superb cinematography that’s the work of the incomparable John Alton.  You can hear Great Gildersleeve announcer John Wald as a radio commentator (the ubiquitous Reed Hadley is the narrator), and City also features appearances by John Doucette, Howard Negley and Mabel Paige as the elderly hostage who waits patiently for Corey to be distracted so that she can introduce him to the business end of a hammer.  Definitely in the running as one of the best “new” classic movies I’ve seen so far this year.

Down Three Dark Streets (1954) – Federal man Zack Stewart (Kenneth Tobey) is working three separate cases: he’s on the trail of a bandit named Joe Walpo (Joe Bassett, who guns down gas station attendant William Schallert in the first few minutes of the movie); investigating a hood (Gene Reynolds) who’s taking the fall for the participants in a stolen car racket; and looking into the matter of a woman (Ruth Roman) who’s being blackmailed by a thug for an insurance settlement of $10,000.  Stewart gets a phone tip from a woman named Brenda Ralles (Suzanne Alexander) about one of the cases…and is gunned down by an assailant when he and supervisor John “Rip” Ripley (Broderick Crawford) pay Brenda a visit.

In order to solve Stewart’s murder, Ripley will have to close each of the cases in this better-than-you’d-think procedural that also features good performances from Martha Hyer, Marisa Pavan, Casey Adams (I swear that guy’s been everywhere lately), Claude Akins and Harlan Warde.  (OTR veteran William Johnstone plays Brod’s boss, and Myra Marsh is also on hand.)  I decided to watch Dark Streets after recently seeing director Arnold Laven’s Without Warning! (1952—hopefully the review will be up on the CF site soon); the killer’s identity is pretty obvious but I liked the movie as a whole (film noir fans should definitely check it out).  (Incidentally, Laven has a bit part as a reporter in the aforementioned Canon City.)

Cop Hater (1958) – I was hoping for a hat trick with this one; I’ll dispense with the details since it was previously reviewed by TDOY cub reporter Philip Schweier on the blog.  I wanted to see it because of its 87th Precinct origins but to be honest I thought Cop Hater was a boring talkfest that only really comes to life in the final few minutes of the film (and even I thought that plot resolution strained credibility).  It was fun to see Jerry Orbach as a teenage hood named “Momzer” (those of you familiar with Yiddish will get the joke) and Vincent Gardenia has a nice role as a gimpy (and sweaty) informer.  Still, I definitely thought the short-lived TV show was better.

Carry On Cleo (1964)/Carry On Cowboy (1966) – Because there are a few movies from Britain’s “Carry On” franchise that I haven’t seen, I’ve been DVR’ing as many as I can when The Greatest Cable Channel Known to Mankind™ runs them on Saturday mornings.  These two haven’t come up in the Tee Cee Em rotation yet so I gave them a look-see: Carry On Cowboy is one of the weakest I’ve seen, and I think that’s because the jokes that are often featured in these films—some so old they’re collecting pensions—are funnier because they’ve been filtered through a British accent.  Cowboy is supposed to be a Western spoof, and since most of the characters use exaggerated “Western” drawls the threadbare verbal gags just fall flat.  Here’s a quick synopsis: Johnny Finger (Sid James), a.k.a. The Rumpo Kid (which may have been the only thing I laughed at, since it reminded me of “Ramblin’ Syd Rumpo” from the BBC radio comedy Round the Horne), terrorizes the citizens of Stodge City until sanitation engineer Marshal P. Knutt (Jim Dale) comes in to “clean up the town” (yes, he’s mistaken for a lawman).  Cowboy showcases the usual members of the troupe: Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey (funny as a fey Indian), Joan Sims, Angela Douglas, Peter Butterworth and Bernard Bresslaw (it was the first Carry On film for the latter two).

Carry On Cleo is considered by many devotees to be the funniest of the series…but I’m not sure I can agree with that, even though Cleo has its moments.  Sid James plays Marc Antony (“Blimus!”), Kenneth Williams is Julius Caesar, and Amanda Barrie makes a lovely Cleopatra—but the focus is on Hengist Pod (Kenneth Connor) and Horsa (Jim Dale), two Britons captured and taken to Rome to be sold into slavery.  (I did guffaw heartily at some early scenes where Romans Caesar and Marc Antony go on about England’s beastly weather.)  Joan Sims and Charles Hawtrey are also in this one, as are future Doctor Who Jon Pertwee and The Rag Trade’s Sheila Hancock (who exits the movie far too soon) as Hengist’s wife Senna.  (No, the jokes don’t get any better.)

The Panic in Needle Park (1971) – My Facebook compadre Kingo Gondo and I were having a conversation about the DVD inavailability of this second directorial effort from Jerry Schatzberg (TCM had recently run his 1973 film Scarecrow) and even though I recorded it off Fox’s movie channel (back in their pre-commercial interruption days) I’d been remiss in giving it my undivided attention.  Al Pacino (who’s also in Scarecrow) has this one to thank for landing him the plum role of Michael Corleone in The Godfather (1972); in The Panic in Needle Park he plays a drug dealer who falls for a young girl (Kitty Winn) and proceeds to transform her into a heroin addict (and by that token, a prostitute).  It’s controversial, to be sure—though it’s a bit tame today in light of movies that have followed; I found myself fascinated by the film (you can’t help but like the couple even though they walk on the seamy side) and enjoyed seeing future stars Raul Julia (as Winn’s ex-boyfriend) and Paul Sorvino, not to mention The Rockford Files’ Joe Santos and Hill Street Blues’ Kiel Martin.

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry (1974) – And speaking of seamy couples…this heralded drive-in classic was one I also hadn’t seen (though I remember seeing television ads for it when it was first released): Peter Fonda (he’s the crazy one) and Adam Roarke are a pair of NASCAR hopefuls who rob a grocery store (the manager is an uncredited Roddy McDowall) of $150,000 in order to finance their auto racing ambitions.  They’re unable to shake loose hitchhiker Susan George (the dirty one), and must elude unorthodox cop Vic Morrow—who’s following in hot pursuit with all weaponry and vehicles at his disposal.

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry features mucho muscle cars and many vehicles running into things and each other; this sort of thing isn’t really my movie preference but its reputation was such I felt obligated to check it out.  Its rep is puzzling; with the exception of Roarke (and even he can be a pill at times), there’s not many sympathetic personages among the main characters…and the chemistry between Fonda’s Larry and George’s Mary is such that I kept hoping he’d run over her with that damn car.  (Any movie with Vic Morrow in it is generally going to feature him as a dirtbag, no question.)  Some folks will find the ending of this one tragic…but I sighed a sigh of relief, knowing it was all over.  (Directed by John Hough, who also did The Legend of Hell House—which might explain why McDowall is in this one.)

Christmas swag and other items

Unless I’m struck by an inspiration bolt from the blue within the next few days, this looks like it’ll be the last post here at Thrilling Days of Yesteryear in 2014.  I won’t lie to you—I was disappointed with my output on the blog this year, and the fact that there were 162 posts to last year’s 174 is proof that my intentions to work on TDOY a lot harder fell short of my personal goals.  I suppose I could offer up the defense that my other outside assignments (my latest “Where’s That Been?” entry is currently up at ClassicFlix) compete for my time…but who am I kidding?  Most of the time, my inactivity is due to just pure dagnasty laziness.

The lethargy and the holidays contributed to why I didn’t cobble together an edition of Serial Saturdays yesterday and why there won’t be a Doris Day(s) tomorrow.  We had an exceptionally grand Christmas; my sister Debbie, her husband Craige and my niece Rachel visited for the occasion and they presented me with enough Amazon gift card largesse to be able to purchase a Blu-ray player for our main TV in the living room (we’ve not been able to watch DVDs since I moved the DVD recorder back to my boudoir—and I don’t have the right cordage to hook my spare DVD player up, since it’s an older model).  The Double K’s sent me the Collector’s Edition Blu-ray/DVD set pictured at the beginning of this post and this replica of a major award…

…and my nephew Davis (seen here opening up the Lego Treehouse I sent him) gifted me with an Elvis ornament which plays I’ll Be Home for Christmas very loudly when you press a button so I’ve only pressed it once.  Mi madre got me a copy of Showbiz Politics: Hollywood in American Political Life and a Darden Restaurant gift card…which, coupled with the Red Lobster gift card she received from sister Debbie—and some Olive Garden cards she already had on hand—means that we’ll be taking my Dad to Longhorn for twenty-pound butt steaks (with lobster chasers) on his birthday in February.

Also, too: there were mimosas.  Many mimosas.

I learned during my sister’s visit that she has been furthering my niece’s classic movie education: Debbie took Rach to see Gone with the Wind (1939) on its 75th anniversary showing in December and Rach thought it quite good.  (Well, she’s young.)  Rachel was also inducted into my mother’s adoration for The Lone Ranger; she watched with “Nana” some of the reruns on FETV and pronounced them tres awesome.  FETV ran the first three LR “origin” episodes Friday, but Rach didn’t get to see those—I told her I’d send them on to her because I had them on DVD.  “Of course you do,” she cracked, followed by a rimshot.  (I also gave her a copy of the Radio Spirits collection Six Gun Hero that I wrote the liner notes for a while back, so that she could experience the radio Ranger and also brag on her uncle a bit.)

Los Parentes Yesteryear and I watched a Lone Ranger repeat Friday night that I have to tell you about: the title is “Sawtelle Saga’s End,” which originally aired on March 24, 1955.  You have two outlaw brothers, Peter (Peter Hanson) and Benjamin (Robert Foulk), who are responsible for a perplexing series of payroll robberies in and around the town of Sandstone—the only reason why they’ve not robbed the Sandstone Wells Fargo office is because Sandstone is their home base of operations, and they don’t want the heat of being under investigation.  They return to their hideout—the Sawtelle Ranch—where we learn that they’re merely the henchman of the real brains of the outfit…

“Aunt” Maggie Sawtelle, played by none other than Frances Bavier.  When I caught sight of her I shouted “I knew it!”—because I have posited during many a previous write-up on Mayberry Mondays that Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor was twisted and evil, yet with nothing truly substantial to back up my assertions.  Aunt Maggie has instructed her nephews (they’re redopted, by the way) in a life of crime and is getting ready to pull out of Sandstone…but she directs “her boys” to rob the Wells Fargo office before they skedaddle.  Andy Griffith Show fans will really get a kick out of this episode: Bavier’s kindly persona is mostly an act to stave off any suspicions of her true identity as a criminal mastermind (“Why don’t you wash your neck now and again,” she scowls at Peter.  “My, but you’re an untidy boy.”)

The Sawtelle boys carry out her instructions but Benjamin is wounded by the Ranger in their getaway…and though he’s tossed into the pokey, he’s not talking.  After chatting with—I swear I’m not making this up—Sheriff Taylor (William Forrest), the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to Aunt Maggie’s to see if she has the skinny on what’s become of Ben’s accomplice.  (The Ranger says to Maggie “We’re friends of Sheriff Taylor’s” as means of introduction, much to my amusement.)  Maggie plays the innocent old lady in attempt to fool the two men—but though the Lone Ranger may have been born at night, it wasn’t last night; he saw quite plainly Peter’s horse outside on the way in.  So Maggie whips up a lie: yes, Peter was here but he left—she had no idea those boys were in such trouble!

LR still isn’t buying it—Peter left his saddle behind on the outside horse—but by that time, Maggie’s got him and Tonto locked in a shed and she orders Peter to grab a kerosene lamp for the purposes of making that shed burn, baby, burn.  (A prospect that she, by the way, enjoys with unbridled glee—you can understand what Andy Griffith meant when he subtly suggested Bavier could be a real rhymes-with-witch at times.)  Our heroes escape via the roof (they chop an exit with an axe) and tackle Peter; while the Ranger gives the bandit a proper pummeling, Tonto has to deal with Maggie kicking his shins.  He then says to the Ranger in a line that had us all in hysterics: “Next time me take easy job—fight man, you fight woman.”

No, this is not a lost episode of TAGS in which Barney accidentally locks Aunt Bee in one of the holding cells.  Bee is going to the real slammer, where she'll no doubt make a fellow cellmate her bitch.

All in all, 2014 was a swell year—and I’m hoping 2015 is a most worthy sequel.  Special thanks to my BBFF for the hilarious card (and swell DVD present of Gunsmoke’s seventh season) as well as to Doc Quatermass, Kim, Rodney, the Kelleys, Laura, Brandie and Martin for the wonderful Christmas sentiments as well.  From all of us (the ‘rents and me) at Rancho Yesteryear—Season’s Greetings and a Happy New Year!

Doris Day(s) #39: “A Two-Family Christmas” (12/22/69, prod. no #0416)

Welcome to the First Annual Doris Day(s) Christmas Special!  With the Widder Martin and her family (Philip Brown, Tod Starke)!  Curmudgeonly old Buck Webb (Denver Pyle)!  Myrna Gibbons (Rose Marie)! Michael Nicholson (McLean Stevenson)!  Ron Harvey (Paul Smith)!  The World of Sid and Marty Krofft!  And Paul Lynde as Santa Claus!  (Okay…I may be fibbing about those last two…)

Because it’s the holiday season, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear is presenting this episode of The Doris Day Show out of sequence (and 45 years after its first telecast, too)…and you can probably tell that right off by the fact that Doris is sporting a new coif in this Christmas-themed episode, something that she starts in the earlier outing “Doris the Model” (11/17/69), which I haven’t yet covered on the blog.  (Believe you me—when I do, it will set the record for shortest Doris Day(s) write-up, since it’s mostly an extended fashion show with Doris posing in various outfits.  It’s really boring.)  Act One of “A Two-Family Christmas” finds Doris and Myrna in the offices of Today’s World (The NOW Magazine) decorating in anticipation for the big Christmas blow-out held every year.  Doris coaches her pal in the art of straightening the star for the top of the Christmas tree perfectly, and when they’re done they drag the ladder across the lobby…where they meet up with Myrna’s boss, Ron Harvey, who’s carrying a punch bowl the size of Rhode Island.

RON: Make way, ladies…make way…

MYRNA: Oh—there goes Candlestick Park…

DORIS: That is the biggest bowl I have ever seen!

RON (setting it down on a table): You see before you the Christmas wassail bowl…and in exactly an hour and fifteen minutes it will be brimming to the top with Ron Harvey’s special Christmas punch… (As he tosses in oranges) Which spells the difference between the ordinary Christmas party and “let’s-not-go-home-till-New-Year’s”…

DORIS: You mean we’re going to drink all that?

MYRNA: No, we don’t drink out of it—we bathe in it…

“You’d be surprised how quickly it disappears,” continues Ron.  “Finger lickin’ good…that is, if you can still find your fingers after the first dip.”  Well, that certainly sounds sanitary.  The trio’s punchy banter (sorry about that) is interrupted by our old pal Dave the Lackey (David Manzy), who informs Doris that they need more Christmas decorations.  This is Manzy’s second and final appearance on the program (his first was “A Frog Called Harold,” in which his role was a bit more substantial)—and again, he’s not to be confused with the Dave the Lackey from last week’s “The Woman Hater,” in which he was played by Johnnie Collins III.  Doris heads into her office and Myrna follows.

DORIS: Boy, this is going to be a swinging party…

Far out.

MYRNA: Well, I don’t know how we’re going to top last year…

DORIS: We can have drag races in the elevators!

MYRNA: That’s what we did last year!

The phone in Doris’ office rings, and it’s Laird Buckley Webb on the other end.  They exchange Christmas pleasantries, and Doris asks about the state of her rugrats.

BUCK: They’re snoopin’ around the house tryin’ to figure out where we hid the Christmas presents…that’s what they’re doin’…hey, listen—the reason I called…I got to wonderin’…what’s the gang up there gonna do for Christmas…? You know—Mr. Harvey and Mr. Nicholson and Myrna?

DORIS: Gee, I don’t know…it’s been so hectic around here nobody’s even talked about it…I imagine they have, you know, plans…

BUCK: Well, uh…you sure?

DORIS: No…we didn’t discuss it, but…

BUCK: Well, I was thinkin’…uh…bein’ as how they’re all single they might enjoy comin’ out here and havin’ a real old-fashioned family Christmas with us…

“Hey—wouldn’t that have been fun!” gushes Doris.  Oh, yeah—there’s nothing single people enjoy more than to be reminded of the decisions they’ve made in life that have left them lonely during the holidays with no company but a house crammed with cats.  Doris has a sad because it’s probably too late to extend the invitation, but Buck counters that “there’s no harm in askin’.”

DORIS: Well, I’ll ask—but I wish you would have thought of it sooner…

BUCK: Listen, I didn’t see this turkey sooner—we’ve got twenty-two pounds of turkey out here, and if we don’t get somebody to help us eat it we’re going to have turkey hash all next week…maybe into next month…

Doris promises Buck she’ll do what she can, and sends him off with her familiar “Toodle-oo!”  Myrna then emerges from Doris’ closet carrying two bags of decorations.

DORIS: Hey, Myrn…do you have any plans for Christmas?

MYRNA: Are you kidding?  You know me—I’ve always got something cooking…

DORIS: Something big, huh?

MYRNA: Yeah…six-feet-two to be exact…

I didn’t know cats could grow so big…unless it’s that damn tiger from a previous Doris Day(s) outing.

MYRNA: …I heard he’s a dreamy ski instructor at Squaw Valley…so I made reservations…

DORIS: Squaw Valley!

MYRNA: Yeah, I figured if I work my balls out right, I could become one of his squaws…

I’m not sure what Myrna means by “work my balls out right”…and upon further reflection, I’ve decided I’m not all that curious to find out.  Doris explains the reason why she’s so nosy is that she was going to invite her BFF out to Webb Estates for Yuletide gaiety and merriment.  Myrna says thanks but no thanks.

Doris’ boss, Michael “Nick” Nicholson makes his way through the offices, stopping long enough to stare at Ron’s punch preparations (“Bigger than last year,” brags his associate editor) and registering mild disapproval.  He’s also not too receptive to Myrna’s “Merry Christmas, Mr. Nicholson!”  Calling Doris into his office, we soon find out why Nick is acting like someone took a dump in his figgy pudding.

DORIS: Doesn’t the office look festive?

NICK: Mm-hmm…

DORIS (admiring a decoration hanging from the ceiling): I love this…everybody’s so excited about the party—they can’t wait for it to start…

NICK: Except me…I can’t wait for it to be over…

Fa-la-la-la-la…la-la-la-la!  Okay, it’s not really fair to criticize Nicholson’s pessimistic attitude toward the office Christmas bash.  He explains: “I don’t know what it is about an office party, but it always gets out of hand!”  (It wouldn’t be an office party otherwise, would it?)

DORIS: Well…they’re just filled with the holiday spirit…

NICK: Yeah, well, I’ve got the holiday spirit, too, Doris…but I mean we really get it around here when everybody dips…when everybody dips into Ron Harvey’s special spirits…and then before you know it, the whole thing…the whole thing is a shambles…all of our quiet little secretaries turn into a bunch of Raquel Welches…

Is this party reserved for Today’s World staff, or can anyone show up uninvited?

NICK: And Myrna…Myrna gets up and does a twenty-minute imitation of Jimmy Durante…

DORIS: You’re kidding!

NICK: No!

DORIS: Hey—I’ll bet she’s good!

She should be—she’s had enough practice!  Fans of The Dick Van Dyke Show know that Rose Marie, as Sally Rogers, imitates the Schnozzola in the classic Yuletide installment “The Alan Brady Show Presents” (12/18/63)—which is one of several boob tube celebrations of Christmas discussed in an uproariously funny article by my Cultureshark pal Rick Brooks at ClassicFlix (the Father Knows Best stuff had me on the floor).  R.M. even fearlessly imitated Durante on a December 24, 1948 broadcast of his own radio program (co-starring Alan Young and Durante regulars Florence Halop, Candy Candido, Alan Reed, Arthur Q. Bryan and Ruby Dandridge), available on Radio Spirits’ CD collection Christmas Radio Classics.  (Jimmy has a hilarious reaction to Rho’s impression: “How do you like that—I’ve been transcribed to a more convenient body!”)

Okay, now that I’ve gotten the shamelessly brazen plugs out of the way—Nicholson continues to disparage his employees’ antics from Christmas celebrations past.  “And then Ron Harvey will corner me and tell me what I did wrong all year.  And you know something?  For the next week, nobody can look anybody else in the eye.”  But Nicholson has a plan—he’s appointing Doris hallway monitor because she’s so good and kind and has new hair.  Tell me that job isn’t going to suck egg nog.

DORIS: Oh, Mr. Nicholson…you’re asking me to be the office party pooper…I mean, I can’t tell people how many drinks they should have…

NICK: Doris…I am not asking you to be a chaperone…nor do I want to sound like Ebenezer Scrooge…I’m just asking you if you’ll help me make this a nice Christmas party…

Doris reluctantly agrees, then it’s her turn to ask a favor—she inquires of Nicholson as to what his Christmas plans are, and he brags that he’s getting away to Seoul Palm Springs for a little R&R.  “That’s good for you,” affirms his secretary, “you really need a rest.  I’ll catch you next Christmas.”

Doris still hasn’t asked Ron how he plans to make merry over the holidays, so she returns to the scene of the party preparations to find him pouring a liquor store’s worth of booze into that gi-normous punch bowl.

DORIS: How much are you putting in there?

RON: Oh, this is just the base… (Chuckling) From here I build…

DORIS: Mr. Harvey…don’t you think you’re overdoing it?

RON: I may have overdone the nutmeg…

Ron is asked about Christmas, and he, too, has plans—Acapulco!  “Golden beaches covered with golden girls,” he muses while continuing to pour.  Why he’s envisioning Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty on white silver sands goes unexplained, but this means he will be unable to attend Webb-a-Palooza, touched as he is by the offer.  Because Doris asked Ron if she might be the first to sample his concoction, he offers her a generous ladleful…providing this facial reaction, which may be the funniest in the show’s history:

Smooooooooooth!  With a dissolve, we find the Today’s World employees furiously frugging to hip music as Doris and Myrna watch from the sidelines.  “I think you better take it a little easy with that stuff,” scolds Doris as Myrn drains a cup of punch.

“Ohhhh I can handle it—it’s just punch,” Myrna replies, giving her bud a playful shoulder nudge.  “I think I’ll go take another dip in that beautiful pool.”  Cheese and crackers—run for the hills, men!  Myrna is tipsy and frisky!  (She’s fripsy!)  As Myrna samples some more Old Harvey, the manufacturer makes his way over for a little boss-to-secretary chat.

RON: My…beautiful…secretary…

MYRNA: Oh, boy—this punch is stronger than I thought…

RON: Myrn old girl…I know that I’ve been hard on you all year…I mean, always needling you with making you work overtime…snapping at you when you misspell a word—at which, incidentally, was quite often…but this is the Christmas season…and it’s a time for love…and understanding…I want you to know that…well, maybe sometimes I appear like an ogre…but…deep down inside…I’m a wonderful, loving human being…who appreciates you…right now I want to show you my appreciation… (He puts down his glass and gives her a tender kiss)

MYRNA (after a pause): Boy, you’ll do anything to get out of giving me a Christmas present, won’t you?

Ron protests his assistant’s sarcasm.  “On my desk is a beautifully wrapped gift from me to you,” he explains.  “Really?” Myrna asks in earnest.

“It’s a dictionary to teach you how to spell,” is his snarky reply.  Ha!  Ya burnt, Myrna!  And speaking of words, the intoxicated Harvey has “a few choice ones” for the man who continues to employ him despite apparently being told off at the Christmas party each year.

Doris is on the case, though!  She quickly intercepts Ron and scolds him for not asking her to dance, so they do a turn on the floor (both looking as if some joker arranged to have fire ants dumped into their undergarments).  Their mating dance is interrupted by a dweeby-looking chap (James B. Douglas) answering to “Mr. Singer”—who, in a following bit of dialogue, reveals himself to be the office payroll clerk (he starts macking on Doris big time).  Douglas had roles in MASH (1970) and The Changeling (1980), and appeared a few times on the Showtime series Soul Food as Principal Gordon.

While Doris is trapped with Singer, Ron takes the time to unload on Nick—calling him “stodgy” and “old-fashioned” in his management of the NOW magazine.  Doris manages to fob Singer off on the horny Myrna, and breaks up Nick and Ron’s confab by reminding Nick he promised her a dance.  As Doris and Boss trip the light fantastic, Ron staggers over and asks if he can cut in; Nicholson reluctantly agrees, and Ron takes him out on the floor for a twirl.  (Yes, I did laugh at this—but only because Curly used to do that to Moe in a lot of the Stooges shorts.  “My father died dancin’…on the end of a rope.”) 

Then it’s time for Myrna’s Durante impression (“Stop da music—stop da music!”), which is quite good (she warbles a few bars of Jimmy’s signature You Gotta Start Off Each Day With a Song) until she starts insulting the staff.  “You should see my boss Ron Harvey,” she brays.  “He’s got such a big nose—he should have, he gets it in everybody’s business!”  (Physician…heal thyself!)

There’s a dissolve, and Nick walks among the party attendees with a smile on his face—presumably it hasn’t been such an obnoxious affair after all.  Doris is getting ready to motor because kids, and Nick thanks her for keeping the employees in line.  “I just wanted to tell you this is turning out to be the best office party we ever had,” he informs her.

NICK: You sure came through—what all did you do, anyway?

DORIS: Well, I watered down the punch…

NICK: I thought it tasted a little flat…

DORIS (laughing): And then I got Myrna with Mr. Singer…

NICK: Mm-hmm…

DORIS: …and then I introduced Mr. Harvey to that new research assistant, you know…so that automatically quieted things down…

Doris wishes Nick a Merry Christmas in Palm Springs, and he returns the sentiment with a friendly peck on the cheek.  As Doris makes her way out of the Today’s World shindig, she passes Myrna slow dancing with her new squeeze (“Hey, Dor—he’s kind of cute!”) and presses the button for the elevator.  As the doors slide open, we find Ron snogging with the new research assistant (“Just rehearsing for Acapulco”).  (Boy, is she gonna get a surprise in nine months!)  End of Act One.

“A Two-Family Christmas”…Part the Second.  Back from commercial, we find Doris putting the young’uns to bed—soon, Billy and Toby will have dreams in which sugar plums and Gouda wedges dance in their heads.  Downstairs, Gran’pa Buck is filling stockings with apples and nuts and other baked goodies.

BUCK: Listen—I think we better wait for about a half-hour before we put those presents under the tree…let ‘em get to sleep good…

DORIS: Okay… (After a pause) Can’t wait to see Billy’s face when he sees the slot cars…he is going to flip out…

BUCK: Listen—did you notice ‘em at dinnertime?  They were helpin’ with the dishes…

DORIS: They do it all the time now…you know…

BUCK: Oh, yeah…but tonight they put a little somethin’ extra in…they’re not gonna blow any chances for those presents…

I may have misjudged those kids—they’re smarter than I thought.  Doris laughs, and then asks: “Can you imagine Christmas without them?”  (You will in two more seasons, Miss Que Sera Sera.)  All snarkiness aside, I do like Buck’s answer: “They are Christmas.”  (Amen, brother.)

BUCK: As far as…well, I was kind of hopin’ your friends would come over and join us…

DORIS: Yeah…they would have loved it…but they made big plans…

BUCK: Tell me something…do you kind of wish you were going to all them fancy places?

Doris assures her father that Acapulco and Palm Springs and Squaw Valley can’t compare to what she’s got…but as I said before, things will be different when Season Four gets underway.  Then Toby appears at the top of the stairs, because he’s been doing some thinking—and that can’t be good.

TOBY: Well, Santa Claus is going to come down the chimney, isn’t he?

BUCK: Well…yeah…

TOBY: Don’t you think you better put out the fire?

DORIS: We will, honey…

BUCK: Yeah…see…he’s not due here until after midnight and…uh…uh…uh…he likes a nice warm house to come into…

Jeebus, Buck—is that the best you got?  Billy soon joins his brother on the stairs, reasoning that “if Toby gets to stay up, I get to stay up, too—I’m older.”  Doris is just about to exercise her parental veto when the family hears a group of carolers outside singing God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen.  “Who could it be?” Doris wonders.

The four of them head outside to find Nick, Ron and Myrna caroling.  (They’re not really caroling—they’re probably spiffed from the Christmas party.)  We know that Rose Marie is no slouch when it comes to singing, but both McLean Stevenson and Paul Smith do a passable job in joining in.  The three of them decided to accept Doris’ invitation after all!  (I’ll bet the Denny’s was closed.)

DORIS: What happened to your plans?

MYRNA: Well…after the office party broke up, why…we got to thinking that…Christmas was for family and friends…not…strangers in Squaw Valley…

DORIS: Yeah…but what about six-feet-two, eyes of blue?

MYRNA: Well…my kind of luck, he’d probably wind up being four-foot-three…

Nick explains that a trip to Palm Springs just “didn’t seem very Christmassy,” (Doris: “It’s just too hot—that’s all!”) and Ron’s jaunt to Acapulco was scotched along similar lines.  “Why should I go all the way to Acapulco just to make a bunch of women happy?” he asks.  “Let ‘em suffer!”  Excellent proclamation, Sir Muffin of Stud.

Because they have company, Billy is able to wheedle a bit more stay-up time from his ma (score!) and as they are invited to make themselves to home, the office trio refuse any grub but will not decline Buck’s offer of a “hot toddy.”  (Miserable drunks.)

DORIS: Oh, this is great!

RON: Well…the truth is…I kind of miss a family Christmas…

MYRNA: Me, too…

NICK: Well—let’s face it, Doris…Christmas is family and…uh…none of us have any family out here…

DORIS: Well, you have now…

With a dissolve, we find Ron and Myrna looking through a photo album with Billy…who points out a picture of him when he was four years old.  “Hey—you’re a handsome devil, aren’t you…heh heh?” comments Myrna.  “Do you ski?”  Doris brings in some goodies (leftovers from dinner, perhaps?) and I chuckled at Lord Nelson’s attempt to grab a few nibbles.  True story: we owned a dachshund one time who, one Christmas, helped himself to about half a box of Reese’s miniature peanut butter cups from sister Kat’s room while we were out of the house for some family function.  The look on the dog’s face when we confronted him with this vile deed is tattooed into my brain: “You…you don’t think I did this, do you?”

NICK: Hey, that’s a cute picture…the one on the bearskin rug…which one of the boys was that, Buck—Toby or Billy?

BUCK: No!  That’s Doris!

(They all laugh)

RON: Hey, you got any more of those?  I’d like one for my desk…

DORIS: I’ll bring it in Monday…

Silent derp...holy derp.

Toby walks over to the family piano—which, up until this time, I was not aware it was a player piano—and starts up Silent Night, which the family and friends all join in singing until the fade out.

The coda on this one is kind of amusing…and also a bit freaky.  We see Toby and Billy having fun with Bill’s slot car set…and then the camera pulls back to reveal that it’s actually Nick and Ron futzing with it, as the boys whine about getting a turn.  (Chalk up that bit of directorial inspiration to none other than OTR vet Larry Dobkin, helming the first of two Doris Day Show episodes in the director’s chair.)  Ron is whining, too; he wants to switch from his blue car to Nick’s red car.

RON: This time I want the red car…

NICK: There’s nothing wrong with the blue car…

RON: Well, if there’s nothing wrong with the blue car how come I can’t have the red car?

NICK: Because I’m the boss…

Dor brings out hot chocolate “for whoever wants it,” and as Buck pulls roasted chestnuts out of the fire (Myrna: “I always thought that was the lyrics for the song—I never thought people actually did that!”) for family and guests, Doris turns to the camera and “breaks the fourth wall”:

Well…this is our Christmas…and as you can see, it’s been a very special one…so from all of us here…to all of you there…we wish you happiness and peace…and much, much love…good night…Merry Christmas…

I don’t have to tell you I was kind of freaked out by this the first time I watched it…only because you never saw that sort of thing on Mayberry R.F.D.  (“I’m not really an inept fix-it man…I just play one on this here show!”)

I hope you all enjoyed our temporary Doris Day(s) detour to spotlight an episode that focuses on the spirit of the holiday season.  I know I poke a lot of merciless fun at Dor and Company (and many times rightfully so), but I don’t disagree with this episode’s premise that family is all a part of Christmas.  Fortunately, Los Parentes Yesteryear and myself will get to spend some quality kin time with my sister Debbie and her husband and daughter starting tomorrow…so that might explain things if it gets a little slow on the blog in the interim.  Next time, we’ll return to our regular Doris Day(s) rotation with an amusing little playlet entitled “The Chocolate Bar War.”  (Seriously, this one has a good laugh or two, and appearances from OTR vets like Amzie Strickland and Howard Culver.)  Please make a sticky-note to join me, and in case I don’t shout at you in the meantime: Happy Holidays!