Wednesday’s checklist

It’s with a heavy heart (and light kidneys) that the first item on the agenda this afternoon is to report the death of the Thrilling Days of Yesteryear feature, B-Western Wednesdays.  Well, perhaps “death” is a little premature—I’m simply going to have to relegate it to semi-regular status because I’ve been finding myself unable to meet my obligations in getting an oater watched every week.  (The last one I tackled was about a month ago, so…there you have it.)  I haven’t abandoned Overlooked Films on Tuesdays, even though I’ve been recalcitrant on that score as well…but I hope to get that one back up by next week.

There are a couple of blogathons looming over the horizon that I should direct to your attention…and I thank the gang at True Classics for giving me this heads-up, because I am quite a bit behind in my blog reading as well.  Throughout the month of August, Jill at Sittin’ on a Backyard Fence and Michael at ScribeHard on Film will host the Summer Under the Stars Blogathon, which will coincide with The Greatest Cable Channel Known to Mankind™’s annual celebration.  Here’s the skinny from Jill and Michael:

For classic movie lovers, TCM’s Summer Under the Stars is like Christmas, the Oscars, the Super Bowl, and every Hollywood red carpet gala rolled into one.  For 31 days, we are treated to a collection of films featuring the stars we love, the stars we discover for the first time, or the stars we’ve always wanted to get to know better.

That got us to thinking: what better way is there to commemorate this month-long celebration of classic stars and classic movies than to co-host a month-long collection of classic blogs created by the classic members of the online blogging community?

That’s a lot of class!

Thus the TCM Summer Under the Stars Blogathon was born!

Pick a movie … pick a star … pick a whole day … pick five … ten … whatever!  This is a month-long blogathon and we want to showcase as many bloggers as many times as we can.  And because your picks will coincide with their respective SUTS days, you can plan as far in advance as you need to.

Whether your medium is the written word, stories in pictures, video tributes, or even a simple haiku (see what Michael did there?), we want you to make the great Summer Under the Stars event even greater.

The process is really simple:

• Make your pick (did we mention you can pick as many as you want?)

• Send us (ScribeHard(at)hotmail(dot)com and sittinonabackyardfence(at)gmail(dot)com) an email as far in advance of your pick’s SUTS day as possible so that we can give you maximum exposure.  Include what you would like to contribute, in what form, and the name of your blog (with the url)

• We will send you a banner to add to your blog (if you would be so kind)

• The day before your particular SUTS day (or sooner if you have it), send us the link to your post.  On your SUTS day, we will add your link to our sites, as well as promote your blog via Twitter and Facebook.

• Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

It promises to be oodles of fun, and I e-mailed Jill to let her know that Thrilling Days of Yesteryear will be participating with an essay that I have tentatively titled “Him Tarzan, You Mom” (in honor of my mother’s love for all things Johnny Weissmuller).

The other blogathon of note will be hosted from September 22-24, and will feature three (count ‘em) hosts: Aurora at Once Upon a Screen, Paula of Paula’s Cinema Club and the Irish Jayhawk herownself, Kellee at Outspoken and Freckled.  (“Why, when I was a young blogger…it only took one person to host a blogathon—and that was the way we liked it!”)  The What a Character! Blogathon will spotlight the “glue” of any classic film: those beloved character actors whose names we might not always remember but whose faces are often more recognizable than any of our relatives (what my BBFF Stacia often calls “Hey!  It’s that guy (or gal)!”).  Here are the details of Aurora, Paula and Kellee’s “Character studies”:

Another blogathon!  One with character!

This summer is proving to be a landmark in the classic film blogosphere.  Events are planned covering an array of fabulous classic films, movie stars and topics on all things movies.

Borrowing a catch-phrase from our beloved, home of the classics, Turner Classic Movies, Kellee of Outspoken & Freckled and (@IrishJayHawk66), Paula of Paula’s Cinema Club and (@Paula_Guthat) and Aurora, of Once Upon a Screen and (@CitizenScreen) are dedicating an event to the great character actors that so enhanced our classic movies.  To the faces, the laughs, the drama presented by these wonderful actors whose names all too often go unrecognized we dedicate WHAT A CHARACTER!

If you are interested in contributing, please go to any one of the host sites and submit a comment with your choice.  Please include the title and link to your blog.  What or whom you choose to write about is open.  We’d love to have everyone choose different subjects and topics because there are so many great character actors that deserve attention.  But we’ll leave that up to you.  As submissions come in, we’ll update the list of entries to give everyone an idea of what’s been chosen.

A couple of weeks before the event, we’ll post a submission schedule.

I contacted Aurora and informed her that I’m definitely in for this one—thought about doing Leon Errol, but called an audible at the last minute and will go with TDOY fave Charles McGraw.  When they decide upon the submission schedule, I’ll let you know when to expect it (so everyone can get their alibis ready).

And now for some classic TV-on-DVD news.  TVShowsOnDVD.com has solidified the details on CBS DVD-Paramount’s box set release The Fugitive: The Complete Series/The Most Wanted Edition—the street date for the 33-disc collection containing all 120 episodes of the iconic 1963-67 TV series will be October 23rd.  To those fans of the show who waited patiently for the company to “do it right,” as it were—your persistence will pay off in huge dividends (including a bodacious fistful of extras described in the press release here).  To CBS-Paramount…I’ll see you all in Hell.

The Hades-bound company has also announced a release date for the second volume of Gunsmoke: The Sixth Season (the first volume is due out August 7) because, Heaven forfend they release the early half-hour version of this series in a complete affordable package instead of that split-season bullsh*t.  The second volume street date will be October 16th—three discs containing the remaining episodes from the seminal TV western’s 1960-61 season, and priced at $36.99 SRP.

Also on the release schedule from the appointed minions of Satan is the second volume of Perry Mason’s seventh season (the first volume due out August 21), which will hit stores on the same day as The Fugitive collection (October 23).  This 4-disc set will contain the remaining episodes (a whopping 15 shows!) from the classic legal series Season Siete, priced to move at $49.99 SRP.  (One of these days I’ll be able to complete my Mason collection, which is still languishing at Volume 1 of the fifth year.)

And CBS-Paramount, whose motto could be “When there is no more room in Hell, DVDs will walk the earth,” will finish out the six season run of The Lucy Show on October 9th with The Lucy Show: The Complete Sixth Season, a 4-disc collection containing the final twenty-four episodes of the popular 60s sitcom.  I’m behind on my Lucy collecting, too—I have the fourth season, but held off on buying Season 5 because most of those shows (with the exception of one episode) are available in those public domain collections that dot the Internet landscape.  (I’ll probably knuckle under and get it one of these days, but it will definitely have to be a deep discount…if you know what I mean, and I think you do.)

This week’s award for “Most Obscure TV Series to Hit DVD” goes to the Warner Archive, who announced yesterday (July 24th) that they would make available on MOD DVD the 1962-63 series The Gallant Men, an ABC drama that centered on the exploits of an American Army infantry company fighting in Italy during World War II.  The show, which starred William Reynolds (later of The F.B.I.) and (Father) Robert McQueeney, never really caught on the way ABC’s other WW2 series, Combat! did (Men had some stiff competition opposite CBS’ Rawhide on Friday nights as well) and so it signed off after a single season.  All twenty-six episodes of the series are available in a 6-DVD collection that’s priced at a non-negotiable tariff of $49.95.  I joked on Facebook after learning of this release that all that needed to happen was the news of 12 O’Clock High and Garrison’s Gorillas coming to DVD and my WW2 childhood would be complete.

Finally, the news that Sony Home Video will release the TV version of Born Free (a short-lived show that ran for 13 episodes in 1974) on August 7 amused the heck out of me because it reminded me that Gary Collins actually had an acting career before becoming a talk show host.  He was cast in several TV series: The Wackiest Ship in the Army (1965-66), The Iron Horse (1966-68)—which airs in reruns on Antenna TV Saturday mornings at 8am EST, and The Sixth Sense (1972), which was later cut up into segments for the syndicated run of Rod Serling’s Night Gallery.  That’s the only version of the series I’ve seen; I was only eight when the show first aired but I remember a young friend of my sister Kat’s who endearingly told her that “Sixth Sense was fooky” (he meant “spooky”).

Stop the presses!  An e-mail notice informs me that the anticipated The Jack Benny Program: The Lost Episodes collection originally announced for September 11th…is in error.  According to TSOD, Shout! Factory says the listing at DVDEmpire.com is incorrect, and that the actual release probably won’t see the light of day until sometime after the new year in 2013.  (The artwork for the set is subject to change as well.)  So as far as my birthday present goes...missed it by that much.

Mayberry Mondays #50: “Aloha, Goober” (03/30/70, prod. no. 0225)

While I’ve been diligently noting the absence of Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) from the past two installments of Mayberry Mondays…for some odd reason I’ve neglected to mention that the son of Mayberry R.F.D.’s protagonist, poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-city-council-head Sam Jones (Ken Berry), has also been MIA as well.  Fondly known as “Mike the Idiot Boy” (and played by child thespian Buddy Foster, brudder to Oscar-winning actress Jodie), the reason why you’ve not heard me mention him is…well, I don’t miss the little mook much, quite frankly.  (I can’t even do the milk carton jokes any more ever since Toby O’Brien pointed out that the milk in Mayberry comes in bottles.)

But all you Mike fans out there can rejoice knowing that he’s in this week’s episode, “Aloha, Goober,” which begins with the rare sight of Sam and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) returning by automobile to Mayberry.  They don’t get out of that town much so on their way back from wherever they’ve been (driving along “The Mayberry Road,” one would assume) they see a series of signs along the roadway.

Car Need a Drink?

Kids About to Drop?

Fill Them Up

With Gas and Pop

Whoops!  One of my slides is out of order…heh heh…

“I wonder who made up that rhyme for him,” jokes Howard…and I kind of chuckled at this, because it’s a tacit admission on Howard’s part that the village idiot of Mayberry, Goober Pyle (George Lindsey), is not very bright.  And for those of you who think I’m being a bit cruel, I offer this as Exhibit A, another sign that both men back up the car to read:

Still, the mystery behind this signage proves irresistible for Howard and Sam not to check out (who wouldn’t want a free “baloon”?); the latter commenting “Sounds so good I can’t pass it up.”  And so they pull into Goober’s Gas-Up-But-the-Condoms-Machine-is-Broken…

SAM: What’s going on?

HOWARD: We saw your signs out there on the highway…

GOOBER: I…am goin’ to High-war-ya…

Goober is actually referring to “Hawaii,” the fiftieth state.  Just in case you were curious.

SAM: Hawaii?

GOOBER: Yeah!  Soon as I win the big sales contest…lemme show ya…come on…

He has Sam and Howard follow him into his office, and on his way in he startles fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman), who is in mid-blowing up a balloon.  Goober’s opening of the office door bumps the chair Emmett is sitting in and the balloon goes sailing off.  I did laugh at this.

SAM (noticing Emmett): Well…another happy kiddy…

EMMETT (stopping his balloon blowing momentarily): I come in here for a bottle of pop and I get roped into this…

GOOBER (with a brochure in his hand): Well…here’s the story…

“…of a lovely lady/Who was bringing up three very lovely girls…”

GOOBER (reading out loud): “Ten days…in beautiful High-war-ya…first class hotel on Why-ki-ki Beach…all expenses paid…”…ain’t that somethin’?

SAM: Hey!

EMMETT: You gotta win first…

GOOBER: It’s a contest the Acme Oil Company’s puttin’ on…the dealer who increases his sales two hunnerd percent this month gets to go… (Idiot grin)

HOWARD: Well, that’s a pretty big increase, Goob…

SAM: Yeah…you’re already getting all the business there is in Mayberry…

GOOBER: Well, that’s why I got them signs out on the road…getting’ out-of-town customers off the main highway…

HOWARD: Hmm…that should help…

GOOBER: Boy…High-war-ya…I seen it once in a Dorothy Lamour picture…

SAM: Really?

GOOBER (laughing): Fellas chasin’ hula dancers all around…I’m takin’ my sneakers…

It’s a lofty goal for Goober, trying to boost his sales output by responding to an incentive.  And he clearly has the support and backing of his friends.

EMMETT: I wouldn’t start packin’ yet…

Except for Mayberry’s resident rain cloud.

GOOBER: What, are you sayin’ I can’t make it?  That I ain’t a good enough businessman?

HOWARD: Oh no, Goob, but…gee, two hundred percent…that sounds like an awful big increase…

SAM: Yeah…no, I think all they’re trying to say, Goob, is…just don’t get your hopes too high…that way if you make it, fine, and if you don’t you won’t be so disappointed…

You really…really…suck at this Andy Taylor thing, Sam.  I liked it better when you were tripping over things at Fort Courage.

GOOBER: Look, when I set my mind on somethin’ I can do it and I’ve got my mind set on this!  Every single ounce of it…

I am simply going to let that one pass without comment.

EMMETT: Goober…face the facts…I’ve seen your deals like this before and usually they all fizzle out for some reason or another…you know that, Goob…

SAM (disapprovingly): Emmett…

EMMETT: I just want him to keep his feet on the ground…

“…and keep reaching for the stars…except…not really…”  But Goober is not a man easily discouraged.  “Listen,” he warns his “baloon”-blowing friend, “I’m gonna show you and everybody else in this town I can win that trip to High-war-ya and I’ll thank you to save your hot air for the balloons!”

And so the push to win the contest begins.  There is a cut to a shot of Goober nailing up an addition to his sign on the road that reads “Free Glassware”—something that should really tell you nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.  This dissolves into a sequence in which a busy Goober is waiting on customers hand-and-foot at his gas station, handing out baloons to the kids and glassware to the moms.  The scene then shifts to the Mayberry city council office, where the loveliest maiden of all the small town bakeries, Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), is paying her dull boyfriend a visit, carrying a small bag behind her back.

MILLIE (handing him the bag): I brought you a present!

SAM: A present?  For me?  Really?

MILLIE: Uh-huh!

SAM: Aww…you shouldn’t have…let me see… (He pulls an object out of the bag)

MILLIE: It’s an automobile compass…so you won’t get lost while you’re driving…

Those Mayberry thoroughfares can be tricky to navigate sometimes.

SAM: Oh…well, that’s just what I’ve always wanted…

MILLIE: I bought it from Goober…when I went in there for gas, he…well, he dusted my car…he vacuumed my floor mats…gave me a glass and a balloon, and…well, I thought I had to buy something from him…

SAM (opening the packaging on the compass): Oh?

MILLIE: Well, it was either that or an inner tube…

Nothing says “I love you, darling…and here’s a token of my esteem” better than a last-minute impulse purchase at a gas station.  (“Jumper cables!  How did you know?”)  But Sam is nothing if not gracious: “Whenever I don’t get lost, I’ll think of you,” he tells his lady love, blowing her a kiss.

MILLIE: You know…he’s really knocking his brains out, trying to make that Hawaiian thing…

…and that shouldn’t take too long.

SAM: Yeah…well, I think it’s more than just a trip to Hawaii, though…

MILLIE: It is?

SAM: Yeah, I think it’s just his ego—he wants to prove he’s just as good a businessman as anybody else around here…

Well, let’s bring out the yardstick and compare.  Sam, despite rarely setting foot on what is presumed to be a farm, is considered successful in his field (though again, he doesn’t work in one).  Howard has a government job, so he doesn’t count.  Emmett is the world’s worst fix-it man, and spends most of his time warming the bus bench outside his shop or inside yakking with his friends.  Millie’s about the only one who could apply here.

MILLIE: Oh…well, more power to him…but do you think he’ll make it?

SAM (studying the compass): I sure hope so…eh…north…south…east…and west…

MILLIE: Hmm…I don’t know how you survived without it…

At Goober’s Gas-Up-And-Check-Out-Miss-October-On-The-Auto-Parts-Calendar, Mike the Idiot Boy is helping out his idol by blowing up balloons…having had to be instructed to blow out, not in, of course.

MIKE: How we doin’, Goob?

GOOBER: Well, I’ll know in a second…I gotta minus my last figures from my new figures and then I’ll know…

MIKE: Oh…

GOOBER: Then I gotta percent it…

MIKE: Boy, Goob—you’re a good businessman!

GOOBER: Hey…you’re real sharp, Mike…

MIKE: Thanks…

Just don’t ask the little cretin to do fractions.  When the mutual admiration society meeting comes to a close, Goober’s calculations reveal that bidness is up only 120%:

GOOBER (clicking his tongue): I thought I’d done better than that…

MIKE: What are you gonna do?

GOOBER: What am I gonna do?  (As the camera goes in for a close-up) I still got some aces up my sleeve…

Dun-dun-DUN!  Goober Pyle—super villain.  Here’s how he brings Mayberry to its knees:

Some of you out there in TDOY Land will helpfully point out that in the time it took him to nail up that sign he could have sold a few more compasses and gallons of gas.  Keeping the station open round-the-clock is probably not a good idea because Goober, suffering from sleep deprivation, is liable to become disoriented and distracted and his mental faculties will…well, forget I mentioned that.  It’s 2am in Mayberry, and as Goober slumbers peacefully on a cot inside the station, a horn honks for service outside.

It’s Sam and Howard, who explain that they’ve just come back from Mount Pilot when they saw his lights on.  One would presuppose that the two of them went out on some sort of date—dancing, the movies, what have you—but if women were involved I’d expect them to also be in the car; it doesn’t make sense, for example, for them to drop Millie off (assuming that’s who Sam took to dancing, the movies, what have you) and then double back to Goober’s Gas-Up-And-No-Running-Near-The-Repair-Bay.  So the only inference I can glean from this is that Sam and Howard are seeing each other on the sly.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that—I just hope the two of them are very happy.

HOWARD: You’re going to kill yourself with this twenty-four-hour thing!

GOOBER (half-asleep): I am goin’ to High-war-ya…

SAM: Oh, it’s not worth it if this is what you have to go through…

GOOBER (sleepily): I am a businessman…

HOWARD: Goober, it’s a well-known fact that without proper rest you’re lowering your resistance to disease!

GOOBER: I’ll recover in High-war-ya…

Sam offers to drive Goober home, but the stubborn bidnessman is adamant: “If you guys don’t wanna buy nothin’,” he yawns, “I’m goin’ back to sleep.”

There’s an unspecified passage of time, and we then find Goober back in his office, writing figures down on a pad while Mike dutifully takes glassware out of boxes…and puts it in more boxes.  (He’s just trying to look busy.)  The day of reckoning has arrived…

GOOBER: Two hunnerd and twelve percent!

MIKE: You made it!

GOOBER: Wait until I tell those guys!

I wish I had a decent screen capture of what happens next: Goober cockily saunters down Main Street Mayberry in a walk I’ve nicknamed the “Goober Strut.”  He tips his Jughead hat to a woman passing by, and then arrives at the council office:

SAM: Well, we have to pave at least one street down there…

GOOBER: Hey, fellas!

HOWARD: Aw…hey, Goob…

SAM: We’ll just take it one step at a time, Emmett…that’s all…

HOWARD: Yeah, I agree…I mean, if we wait until we have enough money to pave all of those streets it’ll be years before we ever get started…

GOOBER (trying to get everyone’s attention): Hey, you fellas wanna know somethin’?

EMMETT: I say we’re just lookin’ for trouble…

I hate to interrupt this…but I’m still perplexed as to how the government works in that town.  Is there just one official councilman in Sam, and he’s stacked the rest of the remaining positions with his cronies, or what?

HOWARD: Well, maybe…but nevertheless…

GOOBER (interrupting): Look, fellas…if you’re not gonna listen, I’m not gonna tell you somethin’…

EMMETT: What you doin’ away from the gas station?  I thought you were supposed to be workin’ so hard…?

GOOBER (smug tone): Well, it just so happens, Mr. Emmett Clark, that my business is up two hunnerd and twelve percent!  I’m practically on my way to High-war-ya!!

(The other three enthusiastically congratulate Goober and vigorously shake his hand)

HOWARD: You deserve all the credit in the world, Goob!

GOOBER: Yeah. I know…

EMMETT (shaking his hand): Congratulations, Goob…I admit I thought you’d blow it one way or another but I gotta admit—you’re a real businessman!

GOOBER (laughing with the others): It’s just a matter of usin’ the old brain!

Because his new one doesn’t work so well.  Millie then runs excitedly runs into the office, having been told of Goober’s good fortune by Mike the Idiot Boy, and joins in the congratulatory spirit.  Goober in turn thanks her for buying the compass.

MILLIE: Hey, I’ve got a fantastic idea…

SAM: What?

MILLIE: You know what we’re going to do?  We’re going to give you a going away party!

Woo hoo!  Kegger at Millie’s!

GOOBER: Hey, wait a minute…wait a minute!  You don’t have to do that!

HOWARD: Oh, listen…you got it coming to you, Goob!

EMMETT: Yeah—you deserve it!

GOOBER: Well, okay…I know I’ll enjoy it…thanks, everybody!

MILLIE: Oh, you know what we’ll do?  We’ll make it a real Hawaiian party…

Woo hoo!  Millie in a grass skirt!  Despite having reached his sales goal, Goober is apparently still in a state of moving flux between his cot at the station and his regular room at the boarding house because we find him preparing for the evening’s festivities at the station, where he’s about to lock up for the evening.  As he exits out the front door, a driver answering to “Charlie” pulls up in an Acme Oil Company van, eliciting a hearty welcome from the Goob.

Charlie is played by veteran character thespian Judson Pratt, who’s visited this show previously in a first season episode entitled “The Race Horse” (he played Brice, the racing commissioner).  His movie and TV credits are quite voluminous; he turns up in a lot of Disney movies (including The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes and The Barefoot Executive) and his feature films include The Toy Tiger, Man Afraid, Monster on the Campus, The Rise and Fall of Legs Diamond and Kid Galahad.

CHARLIE: Sorry I’m so late…

GOOBER: Well, that’s all right…I don’t need no supplies anyway…

CHARLIE: Oh?  It looks like you could use some batteries, right there…

GOOBER: I don’t want ‘em settin’ around…while I’m in High-war-ya…

CHARLIE: Hawaii?

GOOBER: Yeah, the oil company—I won one of them trips they’re givin’…my business was up two hunnerd and twelve per cent for the month…

CHARLIE: What?

GOOBER: Yep!  Sent in my figures a week ago…hey, I oughta be leavin’…hey!  That reminds me…they didn’t send me my airplane tickets yet…I’ll give ‘em a call tomorrow…

CHARLIE: Goober…

GOOBER: My friends are givin’ me a bon voyage party tonight…that’s why I’m wearin’ this shirt…

CHARLIE: Oh…your business was up 212% for the past month, huh?

GOOBER: Yeah!  I really beat my brains out…

…before anyone else in that town got the opportunity…

GOOBER: Hey…look, Charlie…I gotta be goin’ to my party so if there ain’t anything in particular…

CHARLIE (interrupting): Look, Goober…I don’t know quite how to tell you this…

GOOBER: Tell me what?

CHARLIE: Goober…the contest doesn’t start until tomorrow…

GOOBER: What are you talkin’ about?  The contest started the first of this month!

CHARLIE: No, Goober—it starts the first of next month…didn’t you read the rules?

Goober unlocks the door to the station and rushes inside, returning seconds later with the paperwork he showed to Sam and Howard earlier.  He looks positively crestfallen, which is our cue to start the sad trombone…and also an opportunity for a General Foods break.

Back from commercial, Goober is bemoaning his stupidity into the sympathetic ear of driver Charlie.

GOOBER: I just figured the contest started when they sent me this thing…

CHARLIE: You gotta read them things awful careful…

“Idiot…”

GOOBER: Yeah…

CHARLIE: Well, maybe you can do it again this coming month!

GOOBER: No…no, I gave it all I had… (He sighs)

CHARLIE: Aw…come on, Goober…don’t feel so bad…everybody makes mistakes!

GOOBER: Yeah, especially me…that’s what I’m famous for…

CHARLIE: Aw, come on…

“You’re not that famous.”

GOOBER: You know, I really wanted to pull this thing off, too…just to show everybody!

Hey!  Hey!  We’ll have none of that, now…

CHARLIE: You did show ‘em, Goob—you did a great sales job!  Up two hundred and twelve percent!  That’s really something!

GOOBER: Yeah…well, nobody’s gonna remember that part of it…they’re just gonna remember that I blew it…again!

CHARLIE (after a pause): You still going to go to the party?

GOOBER: Well…I might as well get it over with…so they can start laughin’…

Oh, chin up, little cowboy…this is Mayberry R.F.D. after all—where laughs are few and far between.  Both Goober and Charlie sadly walk out of Goober’s office (you just know Charlie couldn’t wait until he was down the road at his next stop: “Guess what that idiot in Mayberry did?”) and the scene shifts to Millie’s where a crowd of mostly unknown extras mills around with the show’s regulars.  (Imagine how freaked out you would be if someone threw you a party and you only recognized one or two of your close friends…)  Howard is stirring a purple concoction that makes me curious how much grain alcohol has been mixed into it.

EMMETT: Hey…where’s Goob?

HOWARD: Oh, he’s probably waiting to make a grand entrance…

SAM (laughing): Yeah, I don’t blame him!

Mike the Idiot Boy has been assigned the sentry post, and he sings out “Here he comes!” as Goober comes through the front door.  There is much applause and cheering, with Millie giving Goober a lei (the only time he’ll ever get…okay, I’ll stop) and Sam using his nose to hum a High-war-yan music melody.

MIKE: Will you bring me home something from Hawaii?!!

SAM: Oh, Mike…that’s not polite…let the man have some punch, and then you can hit him up…

GOOBER (trying to fake his enthusiasm): Look, everybody…I…

EMMETT: Oh, come on, Goober…have some punch!

MILLIE: Genuine Hawaiian Mayberry canned pineapple grape punch!

“With just a whisper of paint thinner!”  Goober is desperately trying to think of a way to break the bad news to his friends.

GOOBER; Well, no thanks…I ain’t too thirsty…I…

SAM: Come on, Goob!  We’re all three up on ya!

“And I’m starting to see vapor trails as people walk by…”

GOOBER: Well…look, everybody…there’s somethin’ I wanna tell you about the contest…you see…

EMMETT: Yeah, yeah…we know—two hundred and twelve percent!

MILLIE (giggling): Come on, everybody—let’s give him his gifts!

For mistakenly thinking the sales contest was this month and not the next, Goober’s friends bestow upon him a brand new suitcase (“a two suiter,” Sam tells him) complete with combination lock and everything.  There are other fabulous prizes as well…but just as Goober is prepared to tell everybody what a doofus he is, Emmett wants to say a few words.

EMMETT: Ladies and gentlemen…all jokin’ aside…I wanna say flat out right in front of everybody that…Goober deserves this trip…I really gave him a bad time…but while I was shootin’ off my mouth about how he was gonna blow it…he was out there makin’ me eat my words!  Goob, I apologize…

Emmett extends his hand for a shake as the other guests clap and cheer.

SAM: Okay, Goob…what did you want to say?

GOOBER: Well, uh…uh…er…I’m not much at makin’ speeches, and…on with the party!

Goober can’t bring himself to admit to his friends that he’s a screw-up, so in a scene that follows in his office at the gas station, he asks Mayberry’s own “Sara” to place a call to “Pine Lake”—“And don’t stay on the line…this is personal,” he warns her, seeming to suggest that the telephone operator in that town is a bit of a old snoopy drawers.  The phone is answered on the other end by a woman whose exaggerated Southern accent suggests that she is not actually from the South, but merely a depiction of what Hollywood TV sitcom writers think Southerners sound like.  (You’ll understand why this is the case in a second.)

This woman is played by actress Louise Glenn, who had roles in TV’s The Roaring 20’s and the short-lived sitcom Don’t Call Me Charlie, and uncredited parts in films like Funny Face, Onionhead, Visit to a Small Planet and A Big Hand for the Little Lady.  Her voice may be more familiar than her face—she played “Billie Sue Culpepper,” the unseen daughter (on the telephone) of Spencer Tracy’s character in It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (with her mother voiced by the immortal Selma Diamond).  Since her character is referred to only as “Girl” in the closing credits, I have decided to dub her “Billie Sue” after her famous World character because it’s my blog.

Glenn’s Billie Sue runs the “Pioneer Auto Court,” apparently a nearby resort where Goober—as “John Smith”—makes a reservation for the next ten days “startin’ Friday.”  The Goob’s evil plan is apparently to disappear for that length of time while making everybody in Mayberry think he’s soaking up rays in High-war-ya.  We join this mad genius as he talks to Emmett in the familiar environs of his shop, where Emmett is breaking a major appliance.

GOOBER: Boy, I’m gonna jam everything in them ten days…sightseein’…swimmin’…I might even take some hula lessons…I hear they get the tourists up to dance at them High-war-yan lulus…

EMMETT (correcting him): Luaus…

GOOBER: That’s right!  I’m really gonna have a ball…

EMMETT: Yeah, sounds great…I can hardly wait to get your postcards!

GOOBER (realizing he hasn’t quite thought this all the way through): Postcards?

Well, here’s a Whistler episode gone horribly awry.  And if that wasn’t complicated enough, we take you now to outside Boysinger’s bakery…

MILLIE: Goober…you’ve got to promise to bring me back one of those Hawaiian dresses…muumuus, I think they’re called…

What the…front yard?  Why would anyone stick Millie in a muumuu?

MILLIE: Size eight…

GOOBER: Well, I don’t know if I’m gonna have too much time for shoppin’…I’m gonna be sloshin’ around in the water and all that…

MILLIE: Well, I understand… (She has to rush off, since she’s spotted a couple going into the bakery) If you have the time…

GOOBER: Yeah…right…size eighty!

MILLIE: Eight!

The day arrives when Goober is “off to High-war-ya.”  He stands with his friends at the bus stop, waiting for the arrival of the bus that will take him to the airport.

SAM: Goob, why don’t you let us drive you to the airport?

GOOBER: Well…I-I-I think I’d rather take the bus…

EMMETT: But it’ll be easier by car…

SAM: Sure!

GOOBER: Well…thanks anyway, fellas, but…I always get sad when I have to say goodbye to people at airports…you know, standin’ around and tryin’ to think of somethin’ to say…gettin’ a lump in your throat…

HOWARD: Well, you’re only gonna be gone ten days…

GOOBER (nervously): I’d rather take the bus…

Smooth, Goob…they don’t suspect a thing.

SAM: Well…if you’d rather…

MILLIE: Maybe we’ll phone you in Hawaii and see how things are…

GOOBER (looking panic stricken): Phone me?

SAM: Yeah—what’s the name of the hotel?

GOOBER: Uh…er…

“Homina homina homina…”

GOOBER: It’s one of them High-war-yan names…I…I don’t remember!

HOWARD: Well, we can always phone the oil company and find out…

GOOBER: Oh…hey…why don’t I phone you guys?  How would that be?

EMMETT: Aw, that’s great—don’t forget!

If Goober’s got a dead person hiding in his luggage, he’s boned.  Fortunately, he’s spared any further agony by the arrival of the bus, and as he climbs aboard the ‘hound his friends are replete with well-wishes.  “Watch those hula girls,” Sam calls out in one of his signature weak jokes.

“What a lucky guy…sunny Hawaii,” muses Emmett.  Wait for it…

Yes, there’s a deluge underway in beautiful downtown Pine Lake as Goober braves the extreme damp to enter the main office of the Pioneer Auto Court.

GOOBER: You can put that call through now…

BILLIE SUE (picking up the receiver): I want Mayberry…foah…two…seven…

GOOBER: And remember what I told ya…try to sound High-war-yan!

BILLIE SUE: Yes, suh!

As Billie Sue continues with her faux Southern drawl, Goober puts a long-playing record on a nearby phonograph, and a “High-war-yan” tune starts to play.  The phone rings in the council office in Mayberry.

SAM: Hello?

BILLIE SUE (on the other end): This heah is Hawaii callin’…I’ve got a person-to-person call from Waikiki… (She smiles at Goober) Foah Mistah Sam Jones…is you-all Mistah Jones?

SAM: Yes, I am… (Talking to Howard, who’s also in the office) It’s Goob…go get Emmett, will ya?

Howard dashes off to find Emmett, and as Sam waits for the two of them to return he gets a puzzled look on his face.  “Y’all?” he asks himself.  Do you see what R.F.D. writers Dick Bensfield and Perry Grant have done here?  It’s funny because a real Southern-sounding gal is purportedly calling from Hawaii.  The veteran television scribes who prolifically wrote so many episodes of The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet would later to go on to create Hello, Larry…so enough said on that score.

SAM: Goob?

GOOBER (on the other end): Sam?  Can you hear me?  Aloha!  That means “hello” over here…

SAM: Hey, Goob!  How ya doin’?

GOOBER: Great!  I’m just settin’ here on my hotel balcony, overlookin’ the blue Pacific…hah…listenin’ to the High-war-yan music while the hula girls are dancin’…

SAM: Oh, that sounds great!  You lucky guy… (Emmett and Howard burst into the office) Oh, wait a minute—here’s Emmett and Howard…hang on…

EMMETT (into the phone): Hey, Goob!  Hiya, Goob!

HOWARD (also into the phone): Hey, Goob!  How’s it goin’?

GOOBER: Aloha, fellas!  (He grins and laughs stupidly)

HOWARD: How’s the weather over there?

GOOBER: Oh, it’s beautiful!  I’m just settin’ here, soakin’ up sunshine!

(There is a peal of thunder outside the auto court window, which can clearly be heard on Sam, Howard and Emmett’s end)

SAM: What was that?

GOOBER: Uh…that was one of them volcanoes…uh…you get used to the rumblin’, though…

Goober realizes he’d better not risk straining any more credulity and so he tells his friends he has to hang up because the call is costing him money.  Telling Sam, Emmett and Howard that “aloha” also means goodbye, that’s native islander Billie Sue’s cue to declare into the receiver: “Yo’ three minutes is up.”  As the call is completed in Mayberry, Sam editorializes: “Sounds like he’s been hitting that cocoanut juice…”

HOWARD: Didn’t he say something about soaking up the sunshine?

SAM: Yeah…something’s wrong here…

HOWARD: You know, as near as I can figure, it’s got to be three o’clock in the morning in Hawaii…

SAM (realization kicking in): Hey…that’s right…wha… (He picks up the receiver) Sara?  Sara?  Uh, Sam Jones again…listen, I just had that call—do you know where it came from?  (After a pause) Pine Lake exchange…?

EMMETT: Pine Lake?

SAM (to Emmett): You don’t think that…

Sam then has Sara put him through to the Acme Oil Company, where his inquiry as to the winners of the sales contest is met with “That starts this month, dumbass.”  (Okay, you only really hear Sam’s side of the conversation…but that’s what I would have told him if I’d been working there.)

SAM (putting down the receiver): Goober didn’t win…that contest didn’t even start till three days ago…

EMMETT: You’re kiddin’!

SAM: No…no, that’s what she said…

EMMETT: He blew it!  He blew it after all!

SAM: You know what that guy’s doing?  He’s pretending he’s in Hawaii!

HOWARD: He’s sitting up there at Pine Lake hiding out for ten days!

Well done, Masters of Duh!  And the $64 question comes from a Mr. Emmett Clark of Mayberry, NC: “What do we say when he comes back?”

Coda time!

The High-war-yan Express rolls into Mayberry, as Sam, Emmett, Howard, Millie and Mike the Idiot Boy are there to receive His Goobness with a triumphant “welcome home.”

GOOBER: High-war-ya’s really a great place!  Fiftieth state of the union…capital is Honolulu…state flower is the hibiscus…state tree is the kukui…that’s candlenut tree…their motto is “The Life of the Land is Perpetuated in Righteousness”…

HOWARD: Unquote…heh heh…

Every episode…though having the laugh-out-loud moment in the coda is cutting it a little close.  For one brief moment, it looks like Emmett is going to blow the lid off of Goober’s apparent memorization of Wikipedia:

EMMETT: Goob…tell us the truth…

GOOBER: What?

EMMETT: Did you meet any of those hula girls?

GOOBER: Uh…well, uh…

HOWARD (coming to his rescue): No, no—don’t tell us about it…we don’t want to hear, we’d just eat our hearts out!

(Goober breathes a sigh of relief)

SAM: I tell ya, Goob…this town is still talking about that sales campaign you put on…

GOOBER: They are?

EMMETT: Yep!  Mayberry ain’t never seen nothin’ like it!  There’s talk of puttin’ you on the Chamber of Commerce next year!

GOOBER: Hey!  No foolin’?!!

HOWARD: Yeah…yeah…

GOOBER (laughing like an idiot): Wow…

MIKE: You’re not very sunburned, Goober…

Every once in a while, Mike does something to redeem himself on this show.  His father alibis for Goober, explaining that it’s due to “too much of that night life,” prompting Howard to offer to help Goober take his suitcase to the car so that he can get home and get a little rest after making shit up. 

“Well,” smiles Emmett at Sam, “we did the right thing, huh?”  As the group makes their way to the car, Goober starts regaling them with make-believe tales of his faux High-war-yan holiday…so Emmett cuts the sweetness with a skosh of lemon: “It ain’t gonna be easy listening to that baloney for the rest of our lives.”

At Goober’s “bon voyage” party, several of the guests present are those nondescript people who are never, ever seen again on the show—which makes you wonder what Aunt Bee did to be snubbed and not get an invite.  (Maybe they remember what happened the last time that old dame drank her fill of Millie’s “jungle juice” punch.)  So Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™ stays put for yet another week: ten appearances in the second season of the series, and a grand total of twenty-two show-ups overall.  (Two more episodes left until we start Season 3, Aunt Bee…you better get a move on.)  In the meantime, I’ll be preparing next week’s installment of Mayberry Mondays: “Millie, the Secretary.”  Please make it a point to join us.