I’m going to warn you right off the bat—this week’s episode of Mayberry R.F.D. centers on the idiot son of town councilman Sam Jones (Ken Berry), Mike Jones (Buddy Foster). Mike doesn’t grin as much in this installment as he does in previous R.F.D. entries, but he’s still a bit of an pinhead—although I have a new-found respect for actor Foster, who once asked R.F.D. producer Bob Ross in 1970 if he could grow his hair out. Ross’ response: “In Mayberry, boys don’t wear their hair long. Cut your hair. Period.” (Got-dam long-haired hippie kids…next thing you know he’ll be firing up a joint and listening to some of that crazy jazz music.)
But this is 1968, and Mike’s a long way from burning his draft card and threatening to storm the dean’s office. He’s only nine years old, ferchrissake—and as our episode begins, he’s also been receiving quite a bit of mail at Jones Estates…at breakfast, no less. (Now…if Sam Jones is a farmer, it stands to reason that he’s up pretty early in the morning to do the chore-y things that farmers do. Who’s delivering mail at that hour of the morning?) Aunt Bee brings the mail into the kitchen, where Sam is seated, about to tuck in to a little nosh…
AUNT BEE: Mr. Felton was early this morning…
SAM: Oh? Is there anything interesting in the mail?
AUNT BEE: Yes, Mr. Felton said that Mary Jane Tompkins is still hearing from that boy she met in
SAM (laughing): Yeah…
AUNT BEE: Well, let’s see… (Handing him an envelope) Here’s one for you from the gas company…
SAM: Oh…what’s all that other stuff?
AUNT BEE: For Mr. Michael Jones…
SAM: Is he still sending out those coupons for catalogs?
AUNT BEE: Sam, you know children—they love to get mail…they don’t like to see the adults get all of it…
As if on cue—almost as if it were scripted—Mike enters the kitchen with his schoolbooks at the ready, and Aunt Bee reminds him to finish his milk. Mike’s eyes widen at the sight of the catalogs that have come via Felton Express (“we run the earliest ship in the shipping business”):
MIKE: Hey! Here’s a diamond ring for only seven hundred and fifty dollars…
SAM: You know, Mike…why do you send for a catalog like that?
MIKE: Well, it says on the coupon that there’s no obligation…
SAM: Oh…I thought you might be figuring on buying that for Aunt Bee’s birthday…
Pay very close attention here…we’ve just laid down the foundation for an admittedly clumsy, heavily-labored plot. To continue, Mike also gets a bit o’mail from a company called “Piedmont Land Developers.” Aunt Bee defends Mike on this one, though—saying that “the study of land values is very educational”:
MIKE: Hey! They want me to come to
SAM: What?
MIKE: That’s the only place I can get the plane…
SAM: What plane?
MIKE: The one that’s going to take me to
SAM: Oh, sure, sure…just take the five thousand out of your piggy bank and let us hear from you…
Sam—you may not get another opportunity like this. Personally, I think it would be worth five large to send the little bozo packing. But Mike’s got people to see, things to do, corn to hoe, trash to haul…he downs the rest of his milk and makes tracks for the door—his father reminds him, of course, to pay attention to the books he should be reading. (Parents can be a trial sometimes.)
The scene dissolves to a shot of Mike sitting on the front porch and poring over his latest catalog. His lisping friend Harold (Richard Steele) is seated next to him, and Mike tells his chum that he’d really like to buy a silver vase for Aunt Bee’s natal anniversary…but the tariff is $9.75. “Plus postage,” adds Harold helpfully. I did a little checking up on the child actor who plays the sibilant little twerp, and this is what the IMDb came up with:
Richard "Dick" Steele was a promising boxing prospect in southern
Here is child actor Steele in all his boxing glory:
So the kid was, what, seven years old when he took on “Mean” Gene? (Ah, the IMDB…you can’t beat it for accuracy.) Since Mike only has $4.50, it looks as if he’s going to have to take a pass on that vase—but Kismet arrives in the form of Mr. Felton (Norman Leavitt), Mayberry’s crack-of-dawn postman. He drops off a big honkin’ package that’s addressed to Mike…and he tells the boy to let Aunt Bee know “that the Barretts finally heard from their daughter out in
Mike and Harold take the package up to Mike’s room, and upon unpacking it find a toaster oven. No, wait—I’m mistaken…it’s a copy machine, and Harold finds the magazine ad that Mike was originally perusing, which reveals a coupon from the Amalgamated Copy Machine Company that offers the individual who checks a certain box the use of a W-6 copy machine for a free 10-day trial. Mike’s clearly checked the wrong box, so he announces he’s going to send the copier back—but Harold, that clever little mook, tells him that could be a big mistake, because the company might get mad if Mike sends it back so soon.
Mike brainstorms—and believe me, anything in that little doofus’ head is a storm—that the two of them could go into business by charging the citizens of Mayberry two cents a copy…and with that cash, he can buy Aunt Bee the silver vase. (Once again—and this is just my opinion, mind you—Mike has a boneheaded idea…I’d be buying the first bus ticket out of Mayberry.) So the business is off and running—hell, if those little j.d.’s can convince substitute village idiot Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) to kick in a pair of copper pennies for each copy (Emmett orders fifty) they should be able to corner the Kinko’s-starved Mayberry market in no time…
HAROLD (stopping Mike on the street): Hey, Mike…the diner wants ten copies of this menu…
MIKE: Great! I just got an order from Sheriff Taylor…look, I’ll go home and make ‘em, while you get some more customers…
Oh, boy…apparently Sam hasn’t had “the talk” with his son about Andy’s status on the show…poor kid…he has no way of knowing that Andy’s slipped his collar, ran out into the street, was hit by a passing motor car and won’t be coming back. (Okay, I’m kidding about that—he’ll show up in at least two more episodes.) After another montage of a grinning Mike making more copies and raking in the big bucks…trouble arrives at Casa Del Jones in the form of a shiny automobile that’s just pulled up…
Aunt Bee goes to answer the knock at the front door, and upon opening the door sees that it’s Seaman Lester Gruber a salesman named Ernie Newhouser (Carl Ballantine). He asks to see a “Mr. Jones,” and a nervous Bee makes her way out to the kitchen to inform Sam (who’s eating again) of Mr. Newhouser’s waiting in the sitting room…or is that sitting in the waiting room?
AUNT BEE: Sam…there’s a traveling salesman out there…
SAM: Well, don’t worry…I don’t have a daughter…
AUNT BEE: Did you order a copying machine for a free ten day trial? A W-6?
SAM: A what?
AUNT BEE: Yes, he said they sent one to you…that they got a coupon from you…
At the mention of the word “coupon,” Sam figures out just who the individual is who’s padding the household’s office supply account—so he goes out to the living room to have a chat with Mr. Newhouser…explaining to Aunt Bee that he’ll just tell Ernie “they sent a machine to an eight-year-old kid.” Newhouser tells Sam that it’s been a pretty rough day—“Just came back from a call over in
With egg all over his face, Sam bluffs Newhouser into thinking that he’s going to continue to examine the W-6…even though he flinches when the salesman tells him that the cost of the device is seventy-five dollars. Cue the parental lecture:
SAM: How come I didn’t know about this?
MIKE: Well…we’ve been so busy with the business…I guess I forgot to tell you…are you mad at me?
SAM: Oh, no…I’m not mad at you, Mike…I’m just disappointed…
Mike, buddy—let me give you a word of advice…as someone who was on the receiving end of this speech more times than I care to elaborate…when a parent says “they’re disappointed,” it means they’re pissed as hell…and you’re grounded till you’re thirty.
MIKE: Well…I didn’t know if you knew about copy machines and…free trials and all that…
SAM: Now, look…you’d…you’d be surprised at the things your father knows about—just give him a chance…believe me, Mike, there’s nothing you can’t talk to me about…
Except S-E-X. But hopefully Sam won’t have to have that talk with his son until the moment Mike announces he’s gay. Anyhoo, Sam suggests that Mike pack up the copy machine and that he’ll run him downtown to the post office so that he can send it back. He slips Mike a few simolians for postage and tells the kid that if he wants a ride home to stop by his office in town in about an hour since he has to run a few errands. (He was going to make the kid walk back home? That’ll teach him to order expensive merchandise through the mail, I suppose.)
But just when Mike was going to do what his father asked or risk being transformed into a donkey, here comes that jackass Harold—who tells Mike that he’s just received a big order from the town’s dress shop for a hundred copies…at three cents apiece. Doing the math in his head (yeah, I’m just as surprised as you are), Mike figures that this will net him enough scratch to make $10.50…and he’ll have the funds he needs to get Aunt Bee her birthday present. “Including postage,” Harold interjects again. (Is this kid a shill for the USPS?) Mike schemes to take the copier back to his father’s office where they’ll make the copies (it will take twenty minutes) and he’ll have plenty of time to get back to the post office and mail it back to Newhouser and Company.
In the meantime, whenever there’s work to be avoided…well, that’s why the Good Lord built Emmett’s Fix-It Shop. Sam enters the establishment and says hi-dy to Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson), who’s apparently returned from exile…and for some odd reason, is dressed rather casually, so I’m guessing he didn’t have to report to work today. (Civil servants be crazy.) “Hey, Sam—where’ve you been the last couple days?” asks Emmett. Sam replies, “Well, I’ve got a farm…remember?” (I’m surprised Sam remembers, as much time as he spends in that raggedy place.)
Emmett mentions to Sam that he’s been doing business with Mike, which prompts Howard to launch into another boring and pointless anecdote about when he was growing up…
HOWARD: Yeah, Emmett’s been telling me all about it…I think it’s just great…develops backbone…I remember my first job…I…I don’t know, I guess I was about fourteen, sellin’ magazines…yeah…that took aggressiveness, I sold eight subscriptions, though, in the first week…
SAM: Oh…
EMMETT: Hey. I remember that…you sold all eight to your mother… (Laughing) Never went out of the house…
He sure knows how to hurt a guy. Mike informs Emmett and Howard that Mike is out of the copy business, and then he asks Emmett what the status is on a clock Aunt Bee sent in to be repaired. With little to no surprise, Sam learns that Emmett hasn’t made much progress—the hands still stop at
“Well, I suppose she could do that in the afternoon,” reasons Sam, “but at four-twenty in the morning…”
“That’s why I didn’t call you it was ready,” interjects Emmett matter-of-factly. (Savant, heal thyself.) After Sam says his goodbyes, Emmett continues to “fix” the clock by slamming it on the counter. All Howard can do is look heavenward.
Back at Sam’s office, Mike and Harold continue their illicit copying…but since we know something is going to go wrong, Mike ends up tripping over the copier’s cord and the device crashes to the floor. (Harold, it should be pointed out, was standing right next to the damn thing…why he couldn’t have kept it from falling is a testament to his poor motor skills.) Picking the copier off the floor, Mike sets it back on the table…and upon turning it on, the copier starts making a strange mechanical grinding noise. Mike, not to put too fine a point on it, is seriously f**ked.
To demonstrate how desperate Mike’s situation has become, the little schlemiel has resorted to taking the copier into Emmett’s to see if he can do something with it. “Well, he can if banging will do it,” cracks Howard. Emmett doesn’t hold out too much hope for Mike’s machine: “Gee, Mike…this is pretty badly scratched up,” observes Emmett, prompting Mike to reply: “And it makes a lot of noise, too…” (So simple a caveman can do it.)
Emmett switches the machine on and the ungodly noises begin again. “Hey, Mike…this is kind of out of my line…I wouldn’t know how to get started,” admits Emmett. “I never even seen one before,” he continues, “I’d probably do more harm than good.” (Since when has that ever stopped him?) Dejected, Mike packs up the machine again and heads for home…and asks that Howard and Emmett not breathe a word about the wonky copier to his father. “Be careful,” Howard advises Mike as the kid leaves the shop. (A little late for that, wouldn’t you say? He’s already broken the damn thing.)
The scene dissolves to a shot of Mike on the telephone, where he’s attempting to apply for a wait staff position at Mayberry’s diner: “Well, I’m going to be nine pretty soon…and lots of times I help Aunt Bee serve dinner.” But no dice. Aunt Bee has entered the room by this time, and remarks to Mike how foolish it is for him to want to go to work. Mike then spills the beans to Bee about the broken copier, and she suggests that he look into a position at the local factory, where child labor laws are practically ignored. No, no…I’m kidding about that—but Mike asks Aunt Bee not to tell Sam “until he’s in the right mood”…so, naturally “the Mouth of Mayberry” has to put Mike’s father “in the mood”:
AUNT BEE: You know, I was just thinking…being considerate of other people is a person’s first duty…mm-hmm…I mean, like, I should be nice to you and you should be nice to me…and we both should be nice to Mike…
SAM: Well…I’ll buy that…
AUNT BEE: You know, and another thing…you know, money isn’t everything…money is just money…five, ten…or seventy-five…money isn’t important, is it?
SAM: Say…you…you really jumped up to seventy-five there, didn’t you?
AUNT BEE: Well, it’s just a figure…I’m glad you’re so understanding…
SAM: Understanding about what, Aunt Bee?
AUNT BEE: Well, nothing in particular…the main thing is that if anybody were in trouble, you’d be there…hmm?
SAM: Well, yeah, but…who’s in trouble?
AUNT BEE: Well, I didn’t say Mike was in trouble…
Nice goin’, Gran…you sure kept that under wraps. So Sam ventures upstairs to Mike’s crib and begins the parental interrogation (I can hear Number Two on The Prisoner now: “We want…information…”), starting off with the oldie-but-a-goodie about coming to your parents in time of trouble, they’re always there to help, yadda yadda yadda. “A father always wants to help his son,” Sam drones on. “He doesn’t want to see his son carry a burden all by himself…he wants to share that burden…and no matter what that burden is, he wants to help you find a solution calmly and sensibly…so…what’s the problem, Mike?”
“I busted the copy machine,” confesses Mike. I’d now like to show you a picture of a calm, sensible man.
I have to be honest—I enjoyed Ken Berry’s reaction to this bombshell, because it seemed pretty realistic. (He also, for some unexplained reason, held a tennis racket in his hand the entire time he’s giving the “confession-is-good-for-the-soul” routine to his son—for a second there, I thought he was going to clean the little essobee’s clock with it.) Mike further confesses that he did not listen to Sam when his father told him to ship the copier back, and he sets up the machine to demonstrate the godawful noise it now makes. “That’s the burden you said you wanted to share with me,” Mike offers up smart-assedly as he turns off the copier.
SAM: But you disobeyed me, Mike…you used that machine after I told you to send it back…
MIKE: But the reason I did is because I…
SAM (cutting him off): The reason is not important…seventy five dollars…
MIKE: Did you want to share that, too?
Oh, brother—had I said that to my father…and he had a tennis racket in his hand…I’d be at school the next day with a criss-cross pattern dotting the landscape of my face. Mike explains to Sam that even though the copier is banged up and sounds like a car without a muffler it still works…but clearly steamed at his son, Sam leaves the room, explaining to Mike that he has to think…
He ends up on the front porch…and who should arrive on the scene but that little troublemaker Harold…God, what an annoying little prat. Nevertheless, he is good enough to explain to Sam that Mike’s rebelling against authority was only because he wanted to raise the money for Aunt Bee’s silver vase. “It cost nine seventy-five…plus postage,” Harold informs him, getting in one last plug for the Post Office. Chastened by his son’s act of thoughtfulness, Sam returns to Mike’s room and tells his son that he just might need the use of a copier after all. “Well, it still makes a lot of noise, Pa,” interjects Mike as he switches the copier on again and the grinding mechanical noises commence. “I can hardly hear it,” Sam shouts over the din…and all is forgiven. (A real Andy-and-Opie moment, to be sure.)
The coda to this episode takes place in Emmett’s fix-it shop…that guy must have some nudie magazines in the back or something, the way everybody passes the time of day there. “I own this thing now,” Sam grumbles, and he asks Emmett to see if it can be repaired—but Emmett tries to explain to his friend that he’s just not smart enough to repair something so obviously complex. Told by Sam to do what he can do, Emmett turns on the machine…and then bangs it on the counter when the noise becomes deafening. The noise suddenly stops, and Emmett rushes out of the shop to tell the populace of Mayberry of his genius.
Since Aunt Bee is in this episode, that makes a total of four episodes as registered by the patented Thrilling Days of Yesteryear Mayberry R.F.D. Bee-O-Meter™ (if you’re wondering what it looks like, it’s a little similar to the copy machine from this episode…with a few additional bells and whistles). But this is the second episode in which Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) is M.I.A., which makes me a little worried…unless he’s off in
2 comments:
It looks like the IMDb has this Richard Steele:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0824649/
Confused with this one:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0824650/
You'll notice that the credits are all intermingled, but I suspect the kid who played Harold on MRFD is now the man with the big career in the sound department of a million films.
(Reminds me of when the IMDb had author Jim Thompson as being in a cameo on a show 20 years after he had died. Took 2 years for them to finally correct it.)
the hands still stop at 4:20
HA! This is also awesome.
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