Galahad has
long suspected Sir Modred (Leonard Penn) of being The Black Knight, but his
accusations have alienated him from both Arthur and Bors. Last week, Galahad secretly entered Camelot
via a secret passageway (known to everyone in the friggin’ kingdom but Arthur)
and found his remaining ally, Sir Lancelot (Hugh Prosser), chained to a dungeon
wall after being tortured by The Black Knight’s goons. Releasing Lancelot, Galahad “penetrates
further into the palace” (I swear—this is how announcer Knox Manning describes
it in the opening of Chapter 15) and finds Modred and T. Bartog discussing
their abominable plan to rid themselves of Arthur once and for all. But when Galahad’s singular footwear gives
away his hiding place, Modred traps him behind some curtains…and the two
villains plan to run him in with their swords…
…not so fast, evildoers! The quick-thinking Galahad quickly smothers the two men with the large tapestry, and grins at his resourcefulness.
Back in the dungeon, Galahad returns to Lancelot to brag about what a clever little sod he is.
LANCELOT: You found Queen
Guinevere?
GALAHAD: No…but I have information
that must get to King Arthur at once—hurry!
Making their way out of Camelot via that oh-so-familiar
passageway, the two men are able to reach the outside of the gates…and in the
space where Galahad parked his horse earlier—there are now two horses to accommodate both riders. Where did the other horse come from? Well, I suppose we could speculate that the
first horse was a boy and the second a girl and those things just happen in
nature…but the short explanation is simply: writers be lazy!
LANCELOT: While I pause for breath,
tell me what this information is…
GALAHAD: There’s evidence that Modred’s The Black Knight…he and Bartog
have quarreled…
Well, everybody was saying it would never last. “The rest will have to keep until we find
Arthur,” finishes Galahad…and to give them incentive to do so, Modred and T.
Bartog emerge from the main gate.
“There are your spies!” T. Bartog shouts accusingly. (“Why are they covered with mince?” “They’re mince
spies!” Yes, I waited a long while
to use that.)
Galahad and Lancelot gallop off, much to T. Bartog’s
puzzlement.
MODRED: Oh, they are perhaps riding
to Arthur…
BARTOG: Let us do something to stop
them!
MODRED: Oh, let them go! They will help shape my plan…
BARTOG: Are you not complicating
matters?
MODRED: No…it’s simpler than you think…
“…and as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of
Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on, and is now working for the UN at
the High Commission of International Cunning Planning.”
MODRED (back inside the palace):
Now is the time to proclaim The Black Knight lawful King of Britain!
Hypothetically—how should we formally address him? King Black?
King Knight? B.K.?
BARTOG: The interests of the Knight
are dear to us both…I’ll be glad to
help…
Oh, you’d sell your own mother into prostitution if the
tariff was right.
BARTOG: You’re very sure, Modred…do you think King Arthur
will not resist this move?
MODRED (with an evil smile): The
Black Knight has the sword Excalibur…no
one can win against that…
BARTOG: Where is this sword?
MODRED: I have it here…left in my care…
“Come,” beckons Modred.
“See for yourself!” The two men
walk over to where Excalibur would usually be hanging in the Sword Room, and
Modred activates a hidden panel (another castle feature to which Arthur is
oblivious, I’m guessing). Reaching in to
remove the sword…he finds bupkis! (Cue
the sad trombone!)
BARTOG: It would seem the confidence of The Black Knight has been misplaced…
MODRED: It could not have been Galahad that took it…he didn’t have time
enough for that!
BARTOG: The name of the thief is unimportant…but if that sword should reach Arthur…
“You would be seriously screwed, mon ami.”
MODRED (after a pause): The Black
Knight can weave a web of his own…well, come to the point, Bartog—will you arrange this alliance?
BARTOG: If The Black Knight will double the rewards promised…
MODRED: He will…now ride to Ulric
and ride fast!
There is a fade-out, and then a fade-in as King Arthur, Sir
Bors, Sir Kay (Jim Diehl) and several nameless ka-niggits are shown resting in
a field. Sir Gawain (Rick Vallin) rides
up and approaches his king.
GAWAIN: No, Your Majesty…
“Excellent! Let’s
head for the Titty Twister, men!”
GAWAIN: Our search has been in
vain…
KAY: Every courier brings the same
words, Sire…Queen Guinevere is not to be found here…
ARTHUR: I will not give up until…
“Until I so advise!”
booms a voice in the distance. It
belongs to the mighty magician known as Merlin (William Fawcett), who has
apparently decided to forego his usual puff-of-smoke entrance (they must be
running out of budget).
MERLIN: I counsel you now…return to Camelot!
ARTHUR: Why come you here, Merlin?
MERLIN: To tell you that your destiny will be fulfilled in Camelot…
ARTHUR: But what of my Queen?
“And the Jack? And
the ten of diamonds as well?”
MERLIN: You will lose her forever…and your kingdom, too…unless you
do as I say…
KAY: Merlin’s wisdom is great,
Sire…
“Though, granted, his social skills suck pond water…”
ARTHUR (after a reflective pause):
So be it…do you ride with us, Merlin?
MERLIN: No, Sire…there are other things for me to do…no less urgent
than this…
Whatever fries your chicken, Merle. So Arthur and the ka-niggits ride off, and Merlin places the budget in jeopardy by vanishing in a cloud of smoke.
GALAHAD (as he and Lancelot come to
a halt): Merlin…I’d not thought to find you
here…
MERLIN: Save your breath and
sharpen your hearing, Galahad…
I guess that’s his polite way of telling him to help himself
to some Roast STFU.
GALAHAD: We’re here for no other
reason but to give it!
MERLIN: Listen well…Arthur is on
his way to Camelot…The Black Knight means to destroy him once he arrives…
LANCELOT: Why aren’t you there to
prevent it?
Thank you! I’m glad
to see at least one other person who’s been wondering what the hell Merlin’s
purpose in this serial is.
MERLIN: ‘Cause I can work only
through Galahad…
“After all—this isn’t Adventures
of Merlin, you know…”
MERLIN: …it is for him to take to
Arthur the one thing that will save him…the sword—Excalibur!
GALAHAD: But The Black Knight has Excalibur!
MERLIN: The sword has been placed
in the kingdom of the Lady of the Lake …
Well—what the hell is it doing there? Honest to my grandma,
I think you guys are just winging this last chapter.
MERLIN: You must get it from her…
“I’d do it myself…but I was supposed to call her after we
went out to dinner last week, and…well, you know how it is…”
GALAHAD: How must this be done,
Merlin?
I like how Reeves pronounces “Merlin”—the “mer” sounds more
like “mare” than “mur.”
MERLIN: She lives in the Enchanted Forest
“It’s next to a Starbucks…you can’t miss it.”
“So it’s all on you, Gallie my boy. Don’t f**k this up.”
GALAHAD: I’ll do my best…
LANCELOT: And I shall stand at your
side…
GALAHAD (shaking his head): Galahad
must make this journey alone,
Lancelot…you join the King in Camelot…make haste, Galahad…time is fast running
out!
You’ve got about nine minutes left in the chapter, son. “I’ll see you soon in Camelot,” Galahad tells
his friend, who sends him off with “Good fortune be with you, Galahad!” The two men ride off in opposite directions,
and from the expression on Merlin’s face…
…it’s as if he’s thinking: “Maybe I should have hitched a ride back.” So there’s a scene shift to Camelot, and the gates of the castle open to allow T. Bartog to come riding in with King Ulric and several of his men. That dink Modred is waiting to greet his guests.
MODRED: Welcome to Camelot, King Ulric!
ULRIC: I had not thought to come as
a guest…
“Also, I just noticed something…this is only a model!”
Modred enthusiastically informs his “guests” that The Black Knight will
receive them in the Great Hall. (But
first, he must change into his Black Knight disguise in the Not-So-Great
Hall.) He then plants his sloppy carcass
on Arthur’s throne, and Ulric tells him he must be very grateful for the
treason that permeates the kingdom.
BLACK KNIGHT: I understood that you came to form an alliance against Arthur…
ULRIC: I will do that…so long as it
serves my interests…
BLACK KNIGHT; Good! Let’s deal with Arthur first…and slit each
other’s throats later…
BARTOG: Well spoken, Your Majesty…
Seriously, dude…is there an ass you won’t kiss?
BLACK KNIGHT: Here is my plan…we
will dispose our forces so that the courtyard is completely surrounded…when Arthur and his knights arrive, we shall
let them enter through the gate…
ULRIC: And then…fall upon them! With our superior numbers…we will destroy the
King…and wipe out the entire Round
Table with one stroke!
So while Ulric and the Knight are fomenting their plan to
wipe out Arthur and his ka-niggits with one stroke, Galahad is busily traipsing
about in the Enchanted Forest
He hits it with his sword in a Joe Besser fashion, as if to say “Oh, you craaazy vine! I’ll harm you!” He then walks a little way, and finds the Pond of Relentless Fog or whatever the hell Merlin called it. The Lady of the
LADY OF THE LAKE : I have
taken it from those who seek to use its power for evil purposes…
GALAHAD: Arthur has grave need of it…
LADY OF THE LAKE : It would
be better if the sword were destroyed forever…
I have no quibble with this.
Anyone who declares himself king just because some moistened bint lobbed
a scimitar at him…
GALAHAD: You do Arthur an
injustice, my lady…
LADY OF THE LAKE : How so?
GALAHAD: He’s a good and righteous
king…deny him Excalibur and…he will lose
his kingdom…
LADY OF THE LAKE : Well
spoken, Galahad…you are truly brave of heart…
“And a first-class sycophant.”
GALAHAD: Arthur has banished me
from his realm…
LADY OF THE LAKE : Take the
sword…you’ll find a charger in the trees…
“Make sure you return it in time or it’s an extra ten
sovereigns a day.”
LADY OF THE LAKE : Ride
swiftly to Camelot…your wish shall soon be granted…
Meanwhile, back at the model…er, castle…Arthur and his
ka-niggits come riding in like they own the place. (Oh…wait…they do.) Lancelot rides in a second after…
LANCELOT: Sire—we must leave before it’s too late!
ARTHUR: Leave Camelot?
T. Bartog and The Black Knight enter the courtyard, swords
a-blazin’. (I guess this classifies “too
late.”) Soon, members of the resistance
join the two traitors, and the fight between rebels and knights is on.
Hurry up, Galahad!
The fight moves into the castle: Arthur tangles with the Black Knight, Lancelot with T. Bartog, and Sir Bors is assigned the task of exchanging cold steel with Ulric. I love the back flip over the table this stunt guy does:
Finally, Galahad arrives at Camelot. (Unfortunately, he came too late to save that poor slob sucking up dirt on the ground.)
“Here I am, you lucky people!” Bors is glad to see his old pal, to the point of knocking Ulric on his ass, along with a pair of halyards. But as Ulric gets to his feet and makes plans to spear Bors like a cocktail onion, we hear the whine of Excalibur and watch it plunge into the Saxon King like a Nestea drinker in a swimming pool.
There was no blood on the sword when it was removed from Ulric, by the way—that’s how cleanly it slices! “Sire! Excalibur!” Galahad cries out as he tosses the sword to Arthur…who’s badly in need of some weaponry, owing to The Black Knight’s furious fighting skills. Arthur, in a move that Moe, Larry and Curly would have been proud of, hits The Black Knight on the head with Excalibur and knocks him to the ground, where his helmet rolls off and reveals his true identity.
ARTHUR: Modred! So you are the traitor…
“I was expecting Paul
Frees.” Getting to his feet, Modred
snarls: “You’ll never live to hang
me.” But he’s forgotten that Arthur is
wielding the invincible sword, and he is quickly run through with
Excalibur…prompting everyone in the room to observe: “You’ll never live to be
hung.”
Just as T. Bartog is planning to insert a dagger in the fleshy part of Lancelot during their swordplay, Galahad comes to Lancelot’s rescue. T. Bartog did not survive as long as he has without knowing when he’s licked. Dropping his sword, he begins to whimper like a dog: “Spare me!”
BARTOG: Lay down your arms! Our cause is lost…Excalibur has been returned to Arthur…
Yeah…a little late to suck up now, pilgrim. The camera moves in on a close up of Arthur’s
hand, wielding Excalibur…and then we dissolve to another shot of that hand, as
it prepares to rectify the events of Chapter 1.
ARTHUR: …be it known to all assembled here and all the peoples of the realm…that you have served me faithfully…your deeds have been brave and courageous…
“And about ten chapters too long…”
ARTHUR: …it can truly be said that
you have won the right…to sit at the Round Table…I dub thee…Knight…rise, Sir
Galahad…
“Arise, Sir Loin of Beef…arise, Earl of Cloves…arise, Duke of Brittingham…arise, Baron of Munchausen…arise, Essence of Myrrh…Milk of Magnesia…Quarter of Ten…”
Everyone is in attendance in the Great Hall witnessing
Galahad’s ceremony…even Queen Guinevere (Marjorie Stapp) and Morgan le Fay (Pat
Barton), whose whereabouts all this time I guess will remain a writers’ mystery
(particularly since it would appear that Morgan was in cahoots with the Forces
of Darkness that put the snatch on Guin in the first place). No, the authors of Adventures of Sir Galahad will concentrate the serial’s remaining
seconds on the bromance between Bors and our hero.
“Keep your nose in the wind and your tail to yourself.” Now I know what you’re thinking—what was the
deal with Merlin playing both sides against the middle during this entire
adventure?
MERLIN: If my actions were
strange…they were meant only to prove Modred a traitor…and Galahad a true knight…
“Sure, I could
have saved that doomed victim in the subway with my magic…but I merely sought
to stop the train with my entrance puff of smoke…there is always a purpose to my dickishness.” Oh, brother.
You couldn’t have just said: “Hey, Art—Modred’s a traitor. Oh, and you should promote Galahad while
you’re at it.”
MERLIN: You’ll get none from me!
Morgan, on the other hand, is still keeping it up with the
nose twitching. As Galahad and Bors head
for the exit, she waves her hand and…
BORS: Galahad! Galahad! Galahad!
“Oh, Chiiiiiick…”
Well, a good cast is worth repeating:
…and unless there’s a massive GOTV effort for Jungle Raiders in the next twelve hours, our next Serial Saturdays presentation will either be The Desert Hawk or Don Winslow of the Navy. We look forward to having you join us!
2 comments:
…and in the space where Galahad parked his horse earlier—there are now two horses to accommodate both riders. Where did the other horse come from?
Dial-A-Steed, 24 Hour Service To All Shires of the Kingdom, Free Pickup and Delivery.
So, the end at last. Terrific work, Ivan, and I greatly enjoyed every last word of this considerable effort.
'Twas no kraven ka-nave that undertook such ardous task, that's for sure, and consider yourself ka-niggetted:
Arise, Sir Ivan of Athens, Baron of Blogosphere and Earl of Intertubes.
"mince spies"! I love that. Seriously.
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