I know looking at the title of this week’s Mayberry
Mondays excursion, it sounds like it’s going to be worth our while—heck,
there’s always at least one laugh-out-loud moment in these things, and with
“Millie” in the title it will focus on the only reason you ever need to watch
an episode of Mayberry R.F.D.: that exquisite goddess of bakery goodness,
Millicent “Millie” Swanson (Arlene Golonka).
But I would never lie to you (unless it would result in making me rich)
and I don’t plan to start now—this one fell short of my expectations. Two good things about this go-round, however:
no sign of the town’s village idiots, gas pump jockey Goober Pyle (George
Lindsey) and Mike Jones (Buddy Foster), the cretinous son of
poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-head-of-city-council Sam Jones (Ken Berry).
I should point out that Goober usually appears in the
credits of each episode regardless whether or not he punches a time clock that
week…but because Mike is credited in the closing titles, I strongly suspect his
participation ended up on the cutting room floor when “Great Outdoors” was
snipped for syndication. But enough
dwelling on this: our scene opens in the council office this week, with Sam
having a chinwag with pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson)…and
fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) arriving on the scene…
Yeah, Emmett does clean up kind of nice. Back to the story:
EMMETT: Uh…I just stopped by to say
goodbye…
HOWARD: Where you going?
SAM: Goodbye?
EMMETT: Yeah… (He laughs) Me and
Martha are goin’ up to Wheeling
Okay…I suppose Emmett could
mean Wheeling , Illinois Wheeling , West
Virginia Wheeling . First of all, I think there’s an ordinance
prohibiting that still on the books.
Second…well, I’ll paraphrase the old Fred Allen joke: “I’ve just got
back from Wheeling …it’s the only
thing you can do once you get there.”
(I’m curious as to the fascination the writers for both R.F.D.
and The
Andy Griffith Show had for Wheeling —on
TAGS
it was mentioned that Millie’s folks live there.)
EMMETT: Got a reservation in a
motel and everything…you know, they got a TV in every room…
They must be staying in Ohio
then. (Heeeeyyyyooo!!!)
SAM: Well, what are you going to
do—just close up the fix-it shop?
EMMETT: Sure…it’ll be there when I
get back…
But it will reek of cat urine, because Emmett will foolishly
forget to lock the door to the back entrance.
SAM: Boy, I wish I could get away
for a couple of days myself…but…between the farm and this council business here
I just can’t…
Funniest. Line. Ever.
HOWARD: Yeah…I sure could use a
breather myself…
EMMETT: Well, I think you guys are
crazy if you don’t do somethin’ about it…after all, what are we workin’
for? So we can enjoy…life’s little
pleasures, huh?
For those of you who didn’t quite pick up on the irony of
Emmett’s statement, I refer you to an earlier R.F.D. outing, “Emmett’s Retirement.”
“Well, I’m off to Wheeling,” Emmett sings out as he takes
his leave of Sam and Howard, who both think that Emmett’s ability to abandon
his business without a moment’s notice makes him “a lucky guy.” After the two of them chew this over for a
few seconds, Sam breaks the ice.
SAM (throwing down a piece of paper
that was in his hand): Doggone it, Howard…let’s you and I go some place this
weekend!
Whoa! I did not see that coming at all!
HOWARD (chuckling): You know, I was
just thinking the same thing…
SAM: Were you? Really?
HOWARD: Yeah!
SAM: Oh…great…look—I know Millie would love to get away…and
maybe you could get a girl, too, huh?
If I laugh out loud this early in the episode—that might be
a good sign.
HOWARD: Yeah…yeah, I-I think I know
just the one…
SAM: Oh?
HOWARD: You know those evening
classes I’ve been taking in photography over at Siler City
SAM: Yeah?
HOWARD: Well, there’s a girl there
I’ve become rather chummy with…
SAM: Oh…really? Yeah?
HOWARD: …Barbara Evans…
SAM: Ha-ha! Something cooking there?
HOWARD: No…no…no…no,
really…but…well, we have this common interest in photography, and…well, that
always makes for a nice relationship…
Especially if it’s candid
photography…know what I mean…nudge nudge... But where will Sam and Howard and
their women decide to go? “That’s always
the problem,” admits Howard.
The scene shifts to the kitchen located in Casa del Samuel,
where the deceptively evil housekeeper Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances
Bavier) is finishing up a few dishes.
She receives a visit from Millie, who is all excited about her and Sam’s
weekend getaway.
MILLIE: Is Sam here?
AUNT BEE: No, not yet…
MILLIE: Oh…I thought he’d be home
by now…he wanted some ideas on where to go this weekend and I found the most
exciting place…
Millie opens up a brochure that reads on the front: “Welcome
to Wheeling , West Virginia
MILLIE (showing the brochure to
Aunt Bee): The Fontainebleau Manor…it’s right outside of Charlotte
AUNT BEE (besides herself): Oh…my!
MILLIE: It’s just my kind of place!
Cut to Howard’s office.
SAM: Howard…I know just the place we can go this weekend…
Dear Lord, please don’t let him say “the Fontainebleau
Manor.” And if he does, please remind
everyone he’s taking Millie.
SAM: A camping trip up to Green Mountain
HOWARD: Hey—that’s a great idea,
Sam!
SAM: Yeah…heh…I haven’t been on a
camping trip in about three years now…
Okay…I know I did a write-up for “The Camper” back in 2010,
so it seems like three years…but in
TV time, it’s only been a little over one.
SAM: …and there’s no place I’d
rather be than…than out in the woods someplace…you know, miles away from
anything…
HOWARD: Boy, it sure appeals to me…and I know Barbara will go for
it! Yeah…
SAM: Hmm…
HOWARD: …give us a chance to get
some great wildlife pictures…
SAM: Oh yeah…yeah…we can do some
fishing…some hiking…
HOWARD: Have you spoken to Millie
about it yet?
SAM: I-I’m sure she’ll love the idea…
HOWARD: Yeah…
SAM: Yeah…we’ll be sleeping right
out there on the ground…
Wait for it…
MILLIE: It’s got every comfort you
can imagine…uh! Silk sheets and pillowcases! Imagine sleeping
between silk sheets!
AUNT BEE: Oh! It says it has a grand ballroom! Oh, it must
be fabulous!
Back at the office…
HOWARD: You’ve got me all charged up about this! Huh?
SAM: Heh heh…oh, something else
that’s great about it—you don’t have to dress up, you know…you can wear your
old comfortable clothes…flannel shirts, jeans, boots…
HOWARD: Yeah…
Back in the kitchen…
MILLIE: I’ve got my blue chiffon
and matching pumps…it’ll be just perfect
for dinner and dancing…
AUNT BEE: They say they have continental cuisine…and their specialty
is veal cordon bleu…
Please note in your journals that Aunt Bee pronounces this
last word as “blur.”
SAM (to Howard): Have you ever had
possum stew?
HOWARD (making a face): Uh…no…no, I
don’t believe I have…
SAM: Uh…it’s a little greasy…but…mmm boy! Mmm mmm!
HOWARD: Wow!
Saying possum stew is a little greasy is like saying raw
oysters are a little slippery. Well,
with the volleying back and forth between Howard’s office and Sam’s kitchen,
the master of the house finally arrives home…and not a moment too soon for
Millie, because “she’s so excited” about the weekend plans.
SAM (seeing Aunt Bee and Millie
seated on the couch): I’m glad you’re here…I got great news about the weekend…
MILLIE: Oh?
SAM: Yeah! We’re going camping!
Buh-what now?
MILLIE: We’re…we’re going what?
SAM: Camping! Up on Green Mountain
MILLIE: I-In the wilderness?
SAM: Yeah…right out in the
open…sounds great, huh?
MILLIE: O-O-Oh…well…uh…
This is not the face of someone eager to go camping. That’s my mom’s face the night she learned
the Jacuzzi in her hotel suite wasn’t working.
SAM: You know, I’ve loved camping
ever since I was a little kid! And it’s
okay with Barbara, and it’s okay with Howard…so if it’s okay with you…
MILLIE: W-W-Well…uh…
SAM: Oh, now look—I know you’ll love it…you’ll be crazy about it, I know
it… (To Aunt Bee) I’m going to run up in the attic now and check on the fishing
equipment and the tents and stuff…so I’ll be down in a few seconds… (Sam starts
up the stairs, but then turns back to Millie) Oh…hey…look…you don’t have a
sleeping bag…?
MILLIE: No!
SAM: I’ve got an extra one! (He rushes upstairs.)
MILLIE: Oh…goody…
Well, the plot for this week’s episode has pretty much been
set in motion. When it comes to the
suggestion of sleeping out under the stars, Millie—I’m really ashamed that I’m
going here, by the way—is not a happy camper.
AUNT BEE: Well…so much for silk sheets…
If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that old dame is digging on
Millie’s misery. Twisted and evil.
MILLIE: Oh, I hate camping!
AUNT BEE: Oh…now did you ever try it?
MILLIE: Yes…once…I went with my father…and when I wasn’t scratching or freezing
I was crying…I’ll just be a drag on a trip like that…
The scene shifts to the city council office, where Howard’s
latest romantic conquest is seated at the big table talking with Howard and
Sam. Her name is Barbara Evans (and
Howard seems awfully excited about introducing her to his old flame
Millie…something that kind of puzzles me, since he does it a lot—it’s as if he’s
subconsciously signaling to Mill, “Look…I can do better than you”) and she’s played by the lovely Corinne (also
spelled Corin) Camacho, a model who decided to try acting and began landing
guest parts on such series as The Wild Wild West and Bewitched
in 1967.
Camacho also went by Corinne Michaels, and as such appeared
on such shows as The Bionic Woman (as the fembot in the classic Six
Million Dollar Man crossover episode “Kill Oscar”) and The
Rockford Files—she had also worked with star James Garner in his 1969
film Marlowe. Her most high-profile gig was a semi-regular
role on TV’s Medical Center (as Dr. Jeanne Bartlett) but she also appeared
in story arcs on daytime soaps like Days of Our Lives and Capitol. She left the business in 1996, moving to New
Mexico to start a hospice center…later devoting her
interests to being a life coach and composing children’s music (she released a
CD in 2006 entitled Love Notes and Lullabies). She passed away on September 15, 2010 at the age of 68.
SAM: Well…now that we’re all
here…we might as well get down to the details, huh?
BARBARA: Let’s decide who brings
what…
SAM: Yeah…well, I’m gonna bring all
the heavy equipment in my truck… (To Howard) And you’re gonna follow in your
car, right…?
HOWARD: Right…
SAM: And Millie…all you have to
bring is…
MILLIE (interrupting him): I’m not going…
Dun-dun-dun!!!
SAM: Not going?
HOWARD: What do you mean, you’re
not going, Mill?
“How else am I going to show off my new girlfriend?”
MILLIE: Well…camping just isn’t for
me…I-I-I’d just be in the way…
SAM: No…nonsense! Millie, you gotta come…
MILLIE: No…no…I’d just spoil the
trip…
BARBARA: Oh, that’s silly…come on,
you’ll have a ball!
HOWARD: Yeah!
MILLIE: No…no, really…I’m just not
the outdoor type…all those mosquitoes and things…
SAM: Oh…
HOWARD: Well…we’ll take along a can
of insect spray, that’s no problem…
BARBARA: Yeah!
MILLIE: No…I don’t want to be sprayed…
Millie clearly does not want to go camping, and she keeps
pressing on the others to go without her…but Howard protests, arguing: “Now
hold on…that might not be proper!”
“Oh, Howard,” Barbara scolds him. “Well, I told your mother Millie would be there!” he whines. (I did laugh at this.)
SAM: No, Millie…I’d hate to go
without you…
BARBARA: Yes, come on, Millie…I
know you’ll have a good time…
MILLIE: No, no…I’d rather not…the
three of you go up there…and do your fishing, and…
BARBARA (interrupting): Oh! Is there fishing?
SAM: Oh, yeah…great fishing!
Bass…trout…oh…w-why…do you like fishing?
BARBARA: Oh, do I! It’s just about my favorite sport!
I’m not sure I like where this is going…and I don’t mean
calling fishing a sport—I mean the sudden common interest shared by both Sam
and Barbara.
SAM: No kidding?
BARBARA: Uh-huh…
SAM: W-Well, what do you do… (Sitting
down at the table) Do you do spinning, fly-casting…
BARBARA: Well, both…but strictly
lures and spinners…no bait for me…
SAM: No bait…oh, no…we disagree
there…I use bait…and I betcha I catch the first fish…
BARBARA: You’re on!
I kind of have to apologize here, folks…apparently this R.F.D.
rerun has morphed into an episode of The Roland Martin Show. (And another thing…Millie is starting to show
a teensy bit of jealousy.)
SAM: You’re gonna love this place,
Barbara, if you like fishing…beautiful
country…if you like hiking…
BARBARA: Oh, I love it! I…
HOWARD: Oh, yeah?
BARBARA: Yeah! As a matter of fact, I went backpacking last
summer for two weeks!
SAM: No kidding…
BARBARA: Uh-huh…
SAM: You’re quite a girl…do you
know that?
Millie, ferchrissake—do something! Not only is she macking on your boyfriend,
she’s macking on your ex-boyfriend!
BARBARA: Well, I’ve got four
brothers…I had a lot of keeping up to do…
HOWARD: Oh, hey…hey…don’t forget to
bring your guitar…Barbara has a great
voice…
SAM: And she sings, too! Well…good…that’s gonna be fun…nothing I like
better than sitting around the campfire at night, singing old songs…look…we’re
going to have to change a few plans as long as there’s just three of us going…
MILLIE: Sam…I-I changed my mind…I
think I will go after all…
Millie’s reconsidering of the camping trip probably came at
an opportune time before Barbara got placed any higher on that pedestal being
built by both Sam and Howard. When
Howard reminds Millie about the bugs she was bitching about earlier, she smiles
and says: “Well, what’s a few mosquitoes—they
have to eat, too!” Sitting down next to
Sam and putting her arms around him, the female Millie makes it quite clear to
predator Barbara that she had best keep her lunch hooks off her man.
The scene shifts to a camping spot on Green
Mountain
…yes, apparently Lucille Ball has come along on the camping
trip as well. Well, while the other
three campers rescue Millie from her tent prison, now is as good a time as any
for a General Foods break.
Back from commercial, Sam is lecturing Millie as if she were
an eight-year-old child:
SAM: Uh…Millie? Lesson number one…there’s a pole in the
middle…and that pole holds up the tent…
“Lesson number two, Sam?
Bite me!”
BARBARA: Hey—are we going fishing?
SAM: Now you’re talking! Yeah…
HOWARD: Hey, wait a minute…maybe we
ought to get some firewood first…then we won’t have to worry about it later…
SAM: Well…yeah…all right…we’ll be
back in a little while…
BARBARA: We’ll get the tackle
ready…
HOWARD: Okay…
MILLIE: Yeah…let’s get the old
tackle ready!
So while the men folk go forage for firewood, Millie and
Barbara prepare the fishing rods and make awkward small talk.
MILLIE: Uh…Howard’s a…Howard is
sure a nice guy…
BARBARA: Yes, he is…so is Sam!
MILLIE: Oh…
“Back off, Bass Queen!
He’s taken!”
MILLIE: I guess Howard’s planning
to take a lot of pictures up here…uh…I suppose you are, too…
BARBARA: Yeah…
MILLIE: It must be nice to have a
mutual interest like that…I mean…uh…something you can do together…
BARBARA: Mm-hmm…but I’m not quite
the bug on it he is…
MILLIE: Oh, but I-I…I know how
interested you are in it…you know…I was thinking…you know, when couples go on a
trip like this…well…they feel obligated to do
things together…now, please…if
you and Howard want to go out and take pictures…hiking…anything…Sam and I will understand…
BARBARA: Well, same for you and Sam…whatever
you want to do…
MILLIE: Right…we’re…uh…here to
relax! And my motto is…everybody do
their own thing…
Well, it would appear that Howard’s own thing is do fall
down in the forest primeval…because Sam is helping the limping Mistah Sprague
back into camp—apparently some of the squirrels started laughing at Howard’s
hat and decided to see if they could trip his ass up. This is going to prove awkward, because now Howard
is going to be an invalid for the rest of the excursion (resting his leg), and he
waves off any and all attempts for anyone to stay with him, telling them he’ll
be fine with his binoculars and masturbation bird watching. But without Howard around to attract her attention,
this means Babs will soon be putting the moves on Sam…making Millie even more
miserable than she already is.
BARBARA: Maybe I should stay… (To Sam and Millie) You two go on…
MILLIE: Oh, I think that’s an excellent idea! Come on, Sam…
SAM: Wait a minute, Millie!
HOWARD: Now, look…please…will you
all go? Please? I’ll be fine, really I will…
SAM: Well, if you’re sure…
HOWARD: I’m positive…
So it’s off to the lake for a little angling…and I’m sure
Barbara means of a different kind, but that’s why Millie’s along on this
clambake. Barbara, having had the
benefit of growing up in a practically all-male household, has no problem with
casting a fishing rod…but the inexperienced Millie keeps make a right cock-up
of it.
SAM (after watching Barbara’s
cast): Hey! Nice cast!
BARBARA: Thanks! Better hurry up before I catch them all!
(Sam chuckles)
MILLIE: Well…I-I-I’m ready!
SAM: Oh…okay, Mill…just put one of
these night crawlers on your hook…here… (Millie looks a little sick)
Just…uh…just think of them as spaghetti…you want me to help you?
MILLIE: No…no, I can do it…y-y-you
go ahead…
SAM: All right…
BARBARA: I still say you should
being using lures…
Why? You’re doing okay with the right
bait… (Ba-zinga!) Well, Millie attempts
a simple cast and ends up tangling her line, so a slightly exasperated Sam
tries to help her out. “Well, I don’t
think the string you put on here was any good,” she whines. Right in the middle of the untangling,
Barbara lets Sam know he’s got a nibble, so he rushes over and grabs his fishing
rod…but by the time he’s reeled it in the slippery little devil has gotten
away. Now even more exasperated at
Millie, he glares at her in a most ungentlemanly fashion. “Well, it couldn’t have been much of a fish
if it couldn’t hold on,” says Millie
in her typically cute fashion.
Barbara winds up catching the first fish, and a body blow is
struck at Sam’s ego. To add insult to
injury, Millie winds up losing her pole in the lake. “Well, you gave me a slippery rod!” Millie says, annoyed with it all.
Back at base camp, Howard is peering through his
binoculars…and spots this little woodland creature scampering through the
trees.
As me sainted father always says: “That squirrel will make a
bucket of gravy!” Sam and the girls arrive from their fishing
expedition.
SAM: Hey, Howard! How about these!
HOWARD: Oh…hey! Those are beauties!
BARBARA: I got the first one but
Sam got the biggest one.
I’ll bet Howard was dying to know that.
HOWARD: Where’s yours, Millie? No luck?
MILLIE: Uh…
HOWARD: What happened to your rod?
SAM: Uh…we’ll save that for the
campfire tales tonight…
MILLIE: How’s your foot?
HOWARD: Oh, fine…fine…as long as I
keep it up…
You know, this show is often dirtier than I remembered…
HOWARD: Hey…I saw two woodpeckers
and a squirrel…got some great pictures, too…
Howard, my man…you are the kind of person who sees gusto and
grabs it! Sam asks for a volunteer to clean the fish
while he tends to other camping-related matters, something that strikes Millie
as slightly horrific. But Barbara
doesn’t mind doing it (she’s a rugged girl) and so Millie, not to be left out,
proposes that Barbara clean one fish and she the other. Pictures are worth a thousand words.
After the task has been completed:
BARBARA: Well…here it is!
SAM: Oh, yeah…beautiful job!
HOWARD: Oh…that’s great!
SAM: ‘Course your fish was kind of dinky…
BARBARA: Oh, it was not…
SAM: Show her a real fish, Mill…
Cue the sad trombone!
“That’s the whole thing?” asks Sam incredulously. Millie’s response to this culinary
preparatory disaster: “Well…there was a lot
of fat.” (One laugh-out-loud moment
in every episode.)
With dinner finished and dishes done, Sam asks the group
“What now?” Howard is still insisting
that the three of them not worry about him, and Barbara suggests they go on a
hike. Millie, wanting to show her nature
trail bona fides, zips off in the direction of the woods, with Sam and Barbara
following (and Sam yelling at her to “wait up!”). There is then a scene dissolve, and we find
Howard hobbling along with a makeshift cane, adding a few twigs to the
fire. Sam and the girls return from
their invigorating hike…
“One of us…fell in the creek,” Sam observes. Poor Millie.
It won’t be too long before Barbara and Sam will be going to Morelli’s,
and spending time at the movies…and she’ll either end up back with Howard (or
God forbid, Goober). Sam, outside the
girls’ tent, wants to say goodnight to both of them (he asks if they’re decent
first, because…well, he’s Sam) and he’s greeted by Barbara’s natural beauty…
…and Millie’s…er…um…yeah…
Millie makes a face behind Barbara (kind of hard to see it
in this screen cap) that I thought was funny, mimicking her obsessive brushing
of her hair. So, the next morning Millie
rises and shines…and if she’s anything like me, sleeping in that sleeping bag
will leave her walking like Charles Laughton in The Hunchback of Notre Dame for the rest of the day. She looks around, and the only person she
spots is Howard, who has taught the squirrels to take food right out of his
mouth (okay, I may have made that up).
HOWARD: Mornin’, Mill! How’d ya sleep?
MILLIE: Oh, fine…fine…uh…wh-where’s
Barbara and Sam?
HOWARD: Oh, they went off fishin’…
MILLIE: Together? I mean…uh…they just went off and left me?
HOWARD: Well…Sam said he didn’t
want to wake you…he thought you could use your beauty sleep…
MILLIE: Oh, he did, did he?
HOWARD: Well, if you ask me it’s a
lucky thing Sam and Barbara hit if off so well…you and I sure turned out to be
a pair of duds…
Howard is apparently not going to be satisfied until he’s
returns to Mayberry in a full body cast…
MILLIE: I am not a dud!
Oh…and…and I’ll tell you something else I’m not! I’m…I’m not going to
sit around here while…while he’s off fishing
with…with…with that Miss All-America! I’m going home!
HOWARD: Aw, come on, Millie…
MILLIE: I’m going to take his truck
and he can drive home with you!
Millie storms into the tent…and I probably don’t have to go
into detail as to what happens next.
Not while I have a screen cap, anyway. There is then a cut to a scene in Sam’s
kitchen, where as one might guess Millie has given Aunt Bee the play-by-play
about the thoroughly rotten weekend she had.
MILLIE: Everything she did was right…and everything I did was wrong…
AUNT BEE: Oh…now, now…
MILLIE: It was horrible…just horrible…she flourishes in the woods
like…like a toadstool…
Millie…don’t give Aunt Bee any ideas.
MILLIE: She didn’t even have to
comb her hair!
AUNT BEE: Oh, now Millie…it will be
all right…
“I was on the phone with Clara this morning…all we need is
the heart of a young boy to cast that spell on Barbara…so don’t start asking
where Mike is…”
MILLIE: No, it won’t be… (Sighing)
The truth is, I made a darn fool of myself…
AUNT BEE: Now Sam will understand…
MILLIE: No he won’t…I ruined his
whole vacation…
SAM (outside): Aunt Bee, I’m home!
Well, the Lord and Master of Mortgage Acres has arrived, and
truth be told, things are a little chilly between him and Millie (hey—get
me! I’m a poet like Howard!):
MILLIE (coldly): Hello, Sam…
SAM: Millie…why did you take off
and…
MILLIE: You’re disgusted with me, aren’t you?
SAM: No! I’m not disgusted with you…I just…
MILLIE: Oh, yes, you are…yes, you
are…you don’t think I can do anything,
do you?
SAM: Now what gave you that
idea? I just said…
MILLIE: Please, Sam…you’ve made your
point…
Realizing it’s pointless to try and plead his case at this
juncture, Sam tells Millie he’ll talk to her later, dropping her suitcase on
the floor beside her.
AUNT BEE: Millie…I don’t think he’s
really mad…
MILLIE: Well, he’s not very
impressed with me, Aunt Bee…I-I-I ruined everybody’s trip…
AUNT BEE: Well, come now…everybody
can’t be a Daniel Boone…
Now’s your chance, Millie…Beautiful Sunday, from the top…
AUNT BEE: Maybe you’re just an indoors person…and Sam couldn’t think
less of you for that…
MILLIE: Yes…you know, that’s what I
am…I’m an indoors person…
AUNT BEE: Well, of course!
MILLIE: Why…I can sew…
AUNT BEE: Hmm…
MILLIE: …I can keep house…
AUNT BEE: Of course you can…
MILLIE: …I can cook…
AUNT BEE: You’re a very good cook…
MILLIE: …and I can entertain…
AUNT BEE: You’re a wonderful hostess…
Congrats, Mill…you’ll make a fine “Aunt Bee” for some lucky
farmer and his dolt of a son someday.
MILLIE: Aunt Bee…why don’t I do
that?!!
AUNT BEE: Do what?
MILLIE: Why don’t I give a party?!!
AUNT BEE: Yes! That’s the very thing…you are a good hostess…and you know
something…why don’t you give it right
here…?
MILLIE: Oh…could I?
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…make it Friday
night…that’s my canasta night…
MILLIE: Oh, Aunt Bee…you’re
wonderful!
And evil…eeevill!!!
“If Barbara can flourish outdoors…I can flourish indoors,” says Millie
determinedly. And before Aunt Bee can
twitch her nose, Millie has put on a sumptuous spread, taking care to invite
Sam, Howard and that bitch Barbara. She
swirls out of the kitchen, Loretta Young-style, with a tray of hors d’oeurves.
BARBARA: Oh, Millie…your table is gorgeous…
MILLIE: Oh…thank you…hors
d’oeurves?
BARBARA: Thank you…
SAM: Hey, you know—that gown does
something for you…
MILLIE: Oh! Thank you!
It’s supposed to…
SAM: Oh…
BARBARA (nibbling): Delicious!
HOWARD: What’s that I smell cooking
in the kitchen?
MILLIE (beaming): Veal cordon bleu…
HOWARD: Wow!
SAM: Hey…
MILLIE (handing him the tray):
Sam…would you make sure everybody’s comfortable while I get the wine?
SAM: Sure!
MILLIE: I think sparkling burgundy
will go beautifully with the veal,
don’t you?
HOWARD: Mmm…
BARBARA: Sounds great!
SAM: Yeah…
Millie pops back into the kitchen, and from that vantage
point she can hear a snatch of conversation about “she certainly has a talent
for this sort of thing.” Opening the
refrigerator, she pulls out a bottle of sparkling burgundy and wraps a towel
around it like an expert…and then tries to remove the top…
But Millie proves to be a good sport, even though her
boyfriend is mocking her in front of their friends about what a ditz she is.
Coda time!
Not much of a coda on this one, because Sam channels his
inner Andy Taylor by singing Carolina
Moon on the front porch swing…and Howard tries to do Barney Fife in his
movements of cozying up to his new girlfriend (Dodson is clearly no Don Knotts,
but I did chuckle a few times). The only
really funny bit is at the beginning when Millie is reflecting about what a
klutz she was spilling wine on her dress and she asks Sam: “You’re not mad at
me?”
“Why should I be mad at you?” he replies. “You didn’t spill wine on my dress…” (Well, I laughed at it.)
But let us rise above these lame coda shenanigans and
rejoice in the fact that Aunt Bee’s short-but-sweet appearance in this episode
gives me an excuse to roll out Thrilling
Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™ and tally up another show in her
column: so the count for Season Two moves up a notch to nine appearances, with
a grand total of twenty-one for the series so far. And there’s even rosier news in that she’ll
be back next week for “The Sculptor”—a curious episode that exposes the
population of Mayberry for the unsophisticated yokels they are. Make it a point to join us!
1 comment:
“Well, you gave me a slippery rod!”
You don't say.
I've eaten a lot of critters in my life -- I just did a blurb about brains and eggs for Spectrum, in fact -- but I have never had possum. That fresh fish sounds delicious, though. I can't believe Millie, being a good cook, was so bad at cleaning the fish. It's not difficult for a cook, and the fish she would have bought in the grocery in 1970 wouldn't have been nearly as processed as it is today.
Hey, hear that? That's the sound of me overthinking things again.
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